I am moving!!! I have been living in the same place in Manhattan for 6 years and Hemal and I were desperately in need of a change. I mean, we aren’t moving very far (literally just 3 blocks away), however 3 blocks can make a huge difference. I LOVE that we have a view of the Freedom Tower from our super cool new apartment.
(If you are not familiar with the Freedom Tower, it is a tower that is being built in the sacred space where the World Trade Centers once stood.)
We will officially be moving in on the 19th, however I had to shout it from the rooftops because I am so excited!
Yesterday while I was starring out at the Freedom Tower, something started to stir up inside of me. Why do so many of us shackle ourselves with thinking that we are limited in love, and make choices to stay energetically connected to men that aren’t right for us knowingly.
One of my good friends, Karla, who I have been helping with the love stuff on the side, said to me, “Why can’t I get over this guy, even though I know he is not right for me?” She has been infatuated with him for over 6 months now, yet she knows she doesn’t ultimately want to be with him, but something keeps drawing her towards him. Honestly, I have been having this similar conversation with her for over 6 months, and that is because she wants to figure out a way to get over him on her own, without involving him or her parents.
Just to clue you in on our history, my advice has been that she needs to tell him that she likes him and let him know how she feels. Now I know this isn’t easy and I don’t expect it to be. She doesn’t even want a relationship with him, but the key here is about shedding light on something she is hiding.
As soon as we shine light on the thing we don’t want to reveal, its grip on us diminishes and can even dissolve.
By Karla revealing her feelings, she would then be free of them. She feels like the fear and overwhelm around executing on this is too big, so she still hasn’t spoken to him.
Another piece of Lovework I gave her is to have a couple of conversations with her dad to understand why he reacted the way he did in certain situations that she still carries with her to do this day. I asked her to work on this because the very qualities that are attracting her to this man have to do with qualities that she resisted about her dad while growing up.
Recently she told me, “I was talking to a friend the other day and I told him about how I was feeling stuck on this guy. He told me that it sounds like something similar to an addiction and the way you solve addiction is to detox.” Karla agreed with him that this was a good point, so together they decided that she wouldn’t check social media outlets, text or call him for 40 days.
After she was done telling me about this brilliant idea, she looked at my face (which says everything, by the way) and asked, “I guess you don’t think that will work?” The answer is NO! I explained to her that she can absolutely give it a whirl, but it still wasn’t going to get to the root of why she is still pineing over him. If it doesn’t get to the root, then what is going to happen on the 41st day after the detox?
Karla was still hesitant about speaking with her dad like I suggested. In her view, their relationship was fine and therefore had no impact on her love life. Yet here she is, 6 months later, still hanging onto the same guy that she doesn’t even want to be with.
Karla’s reasoning for not talking to her dad was because she felt that it would be scary and she wanted to see if she could release it on her own. In a loving way, I had to tell her, “And how is that working for you? You are still in exactly the same place you were 6 months ago!”
I asked her to imagine sitting in front of him and revealing how she feels. I asked her to tell me what comes up for her in terms of what is the scariest part. She immediately visualized the situation and said that it felt like her dad is bigger than she is (meaning on some level better), and she was ashamed of being vulnerable, meaning that he has won somehow.
I next asked her to tell me when she has felt like this before. “This is exactly how I felt with my dad while growing up. It feels EXACTLY like that. I used to be petrified to reveal my feelings because it felt like I would be attacked by my dad and he was bigger” she replied.
I quickly told her, “Okay, so do you still believe this has nothing to do with dad?” Still resisting, she said, “Well this just solves one aspect of the situation.” I asked her to commit to giving this a try. We already had a breakthrough, but she won’t know the fullness unless she was willing to go there.
Her first step is to talk to her dad, and then the guy. Once she understands why her dad used to do what she perceived he was doing when she was younger, something will release and give her space to reveal what she needs to say to this man, and let it go.
I know a lot of you feel like Karla and feel that it doesn’t always make total sense how our parents are affecting our love life. My goal is to keep telling you these real life examples so you can start to realizing how to get to the root of what’s stopping you in love!
This week’s Lovework:
Pinpoint something fun to do and do it! I know this has nothing to do with the story I told you but it does. Life is meant to be lived. This week go out and do at least one or two amazingly over the top fun things.