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Kavita pensive on the beach

Feeling a connection with a man that isn’t pursuing you? Here’s why

Have you ever felt a connection with a man that felt good and REAL, like there was definitely something between the two of you that you knew you had to explore further?

The first couple of dates were magical and the more time you spent with him the feeling of connection grows. Internally you may be like “Wow, I rarely feel this connection I don’t even know where it is coming from. Am I little crazy for feeling this way?” and yet there is something undeniable about it that you are compelled to follow.

After several more super-connected dates, you finally get the nerve to ask him what he’s looking for and he tells you he’s not looking for anything serious right now.

Your mind starts racing a hundred miles per minute trying to justify his answer. Maybe he just got out of a long-term relationship, or is really focused on his career, or some other reason – but it hits you in the gut because you were starting to feel like he could be YOUR guy.

 “Well great, now what am I supposed to do with that?” you think.

You’re flooded with mixed emotions ranging from angry to confused. You want to see where this connection could go because these feelings don’t happen to you all the time.

But he just gave you some information that lets you know you’re not on the same page.  

So do you give your time to someone who clearly doesn’t want a relationship? Or do you give it your all and hope for the best – that the connection you’re feeling will turn into long term happiness?

The truth is: just because there’s a connection between two people doesn’t mean its going to be a committed relationship. {Tweet This!}

But why do we have such strong connections with people, even people that we just met, if they don’t turn into something that lasts?

Let’s use my client Amber’s story as an example.

One of Amber’s biggest complaints while dating was that she was always going out with men who she connected with either emotionally or physically – but never both at the same time.

It was basically infuriating to her because the connections would be so strong one way or the other, but just didn’t link up to be the total package.

She recently went out with this guy who changed that all up for her. They went out to dinner and really connected – their conversation was invigorating, he gave her butterflies, he planned their dates and paid attention to her likes and dislikes, making sure each date would really make her happy.

After a few dates of total emotional and physical connection, Amber was finally reminded of what it was like to be dating someone that she could connect with on all levels. But right after she realized this, he let her in on the fact that he had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship and he was still getting over it – he didn’t want anything serious right now.

Amber wanted something long term, and she was crushed. She began to second guess herself and doubt her ability to intuitively know when there is a real connection with someone.

She said to me, “Kavita I just don’t get it! How can I have these amazing connections with people and it still isn’t right? Am I totally wrong that there is a connection when there actually isn’t and I’m just making myself look like an idiot thinking it should go further?”

“There is ABSOLUTELY a connection” I told her.

“You weren’t being blind to some unforeseen sign that it was wrong- you were totally connecting with this guy and he was connecting with you. It was felt on both sides. But the truth is that not every connection leads to a love story, even if it’s really strong.”

I went on to explain that she was expecting her love story to fit inside a formula, like SO many of us are.

We think: Amazing connection —> commitment —> long term relationship bliss.

We want to find love so badly that if there was a formula of some sort it would HELP, but love doesn’t fit into a formula!

The number one thing you can do when you feel a strong connection with someone that you realize isn’t going where you want it to go is to:

Allow the connection to be true instead of thinking that you did something wrong or that you were making it up in your head.

So often I see so many of my women immediately go into:

What was I missing?

Was I totally wrong in feeling what I was feeling?

Can I not trust myself to know when I should pursue something?

Why do I keep “connecting” to all of these men and they STILL aren’t right for me?

Connection feels powerful, and it is.

We connect with people in ways that we can’t always explain at intensities that don’t make sense because they are ultimately here to reflect back something that is happening for you.

In Amber’s example, this man was here to remind her that she CAN have it all when it comes to being physically and emotionally into someone and to remind her of what that feels like.

She didn’t WASTE time by having this experience, she GAINED clarity.

If you’ve ever questioned why you connect with certain people and not others, or beaten yourself up about thinking that a connection with a man was supposed to go the distance and it didn’t, reflect back on the friendships or relationships that you had that are no longer a part of your life.

They were were all CONNECTIONS and you were both a great part of each other’s lives at one time.

Even if you lost touch, it doesn’t mean that it was a meaningless exchange.

So the next time you start to doubt yourself or feel defeated after a connection ends, follow these steps:

1) Be nice to yourself.

In these moments, we immediately jump to beating ourselves up. Start by choosing kinder words when talking to yourself. You are not lacking, missing the signs, or an idiot for exploring the connection. You felt something there, and you took a risk. This is 100% better than having regrets for not exploring the connection.

2) Get back into trust.

Treat yourself to something nice. Buy yourself some flowers, get a massage, or a nice new journal. Some self care will help take the edge off of your doubt and back into trusting that you know what is best for you.

3) Get present and breathe.

I know in these situations we wish we could change what happened because we really wanted it to work. It is important to get present and breathe into the moment, because you can’t go back, but we can move ahead.

4) Find the AHA.

Think about what the connection reminded you of that was positive. Like for Amber, she was reminded that she can have both a physical and emotional connection with a man. Maybe you were reminded that you are desired by a man again, or you got clear that you are looking for a man who is totally and 100% ready to tell you how he feels about you. These are all good outcomes of temporary connections.

5) Remember growth from past connections.

Past relationship connections served you in some way, no matter how bad the breakup was (friendship or relationship). Remember all the ways that this connection served you, even if it didn’t last. All connections are put in your life for that reason. This reflection is proof that not every connection is our long lasting love story, but a connection on our journey to the right man.

When you start to really allow yourself to allow connections to happen without the expectation that they need to turn into something long term, you are able to more easily see why they were brought into your life at this moment in time.

This will actually open you up to letting in MORE connections (because you’re not putting all the pressure on one connection to be IT) and will let you filter through the wrong men faster and lead you to the right one.

So your Lovework this week is in the comments below write a one-sentence THANK YOU to someone you had a connection with even if it was brief. What is something positive you got out of the connection?

I know you’ve got something, and I want to hear it!

In Love,
Kavita

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  • http://joytomove.com Gitta Sivander

    Here is my thank you to David, we had an absolutely mind blowing connection on a physical and emotional level; yet we parted and moved on, since our lives were’t meant to be in one place. You, living in Australia with your half grown kids; and me, now in Europe and soon living in California, with my little boy and a close parenting relationship to my son’s father. David, our love is in our hearts forever. And our beautiful life continues on different parts of this planet….

    • Kavita

      Love this Gitta!

    • Kay

      I’ve seen these sort of acknowledgements of love continuing for a long time although people parting their ways and living with other people, and actually ending up divorced or not really having strong love. And whilst I have all respect for the learning that people derive from letting go, I also noticed that often this means that the two people in question actually have not had the guts to make their love. It’s not a criticism, but there is a lot more to learn about going for that true love with one’s all being and learning how to let go whilst also pursuing the dream of being together. I don’t know how strong your connection was Gitta, but if I guessed it right then perhaps you need to try. All the best x

  • Tiffany

    Moments like right now i wish i could turn off emotion for the guy I’m still emotionally and sexually attracted to. So great, reading this article on how it’s ok to feel connected to someone even if it doesn’t lead to a long term relationship cause it just means you’ll know in the future what it feels like with someone new, is great to know, but then what happens when that temp relationship is over you wanna move on but your heart isn’t letting you? I’m tired of wasting my energy on thinking about someone that is somewhat out of the picture. I have more important things to focus on and yet my heart keeps bugging me like an impatient child. I can’t give my heart what it wants right now so why won’t it shut up til the time is right. I don’t mean to be harsh on myself but it’s frustrating when my heart doesn’t listen to me and be patient.

    • khooshbu

      I share your feelings, but allow time to heal it little by little.

    • Anne

      Tiffany, I still have a connection with the guy. I am falling for him and he has made it perfectly clear on more than one occasion that we are just friends and he isn’t ready for anything serious yet. At one point, a thought that I keep hanging on to, he was thinking about “us” Also when we hang out, we can’t keep our hands off each other, but we never have had intercourse! I have had a terrible time finding single men otherwise. I really like him and still hope he changes his mind. We’ve been friends for about six months. I hope there’s hope for an “us” with him!

  • Joulie

    He taught me to love my curves & celebrate my body. The relationship also taught us both that personal worth has to come from inside not externally. Although I wish we were making this journey of self-discovery together we decided it was best to follow our separate paths so we are not giving life to old patterns & behavior. My hope for him is that he does not give up on himself because I know I’m not going to give up on me!

    • Kavita

      Great Jouline! Don’t forget this!

  • Tress

    Thank you Jeremy for showing me that not only can i love again, but i can experience love on a whole other level i didn’t know existed. because of that, i have decided i want that kind of love and will not settle for less. I am on a lifetime journey to open myself up to live in and receive that love.

    • Kavita

      PERFECT! xoxo

  • http://www.ilivewithjoy.com Aditi

    Thank you for coming into my life to show me that I CAN find someone that I have an amazing connection with the way I did with you. Thank you for reminding me that I can truly have butterflies for someone again and reigniting that passion in me. Thank you for showing me that I am worthy of attention from someone as awesome as you!

    • Kavita

      YES!! Love this Aditi

  • Andrea

    Dear Andre,

    Although our time together was brief, I’m truly grateful to have met you. From the very first encounter, my feelings for you were intense and the chemistry was undeniable…something I had never felt before! You made my heart race, you made me laugh (still laughing to this day) and you gave me a chance to be myself. I now realize that finding that comfort level with a man, where everything feels “right”, is possible–for that I thank you!

    • Kavita

      Yayyyy I love this Andrea!

  • Barbara

    My thank you goes to Chema. You appeared at a time, where I was stuck in a long-term relationship that had ended much before the real end. You showed me, that I can be with another man. That I am desirable not only for one man. You showed me, that I can have strong emotional connection and physical attraction. The moments with you were so exciting, I fell in love again after almost 10 years. You showed me that I can fall in love again. Thank you for all those great moments, I am grateful to have met you and to have had this connection with you, although it wasn´t a story meant to be for long-term.

    • Kavita

      Amazing Barbara, this is great! xoxo

  • Athanasia

    Thank you to my almost-husband for making it clear to me what respect really means. I know what to look for now; I know that not all soulmates are forever, or even people I can live with at all. I see the real role I need spirituality to play in my relationships, and I see why it is important not to have to choose between you and my other relationships. When I see you these days I only wish that you learned as much from me as I did from being with you. Maybe someday you will.

    • Kavita

      This is great Athanasia! And he did learn from you for sure! xoxo

  • TJ

    Thank you to the father of my children for teaching me to trust my intuition (with the caveat that, if I had, I would not be the mother of our children…LOL), and for teaching me how to compromise. Oh! Thank you for teaching me that life is beautiful after devastating events. So much more that you taught me, but those are the top three. You have been a master teacher for me. I’m prepared to move on now. Shalom.

  • K

    Love this post & all the comments!
    I’ve been wondering about what you do with that connection once you realize it won’t be what you’re looking for in the long term. Is it just torture to stick around once you know you want different things? I’m curious to know how you all knew when to walk away from a strong connection…

  • http://None Marlen

    Even though our connection wasn’t physical or in person, thank you Taylor for igniting excitement and wonder in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I learned I can easily feel, with no pressure or intention to do so. It was all natural and it goes to show I can feel everytime it’s meant to be. Short-lived, but well worth it, I can look forward to that connection again with someone different and it’ll be just as wonderful. .

  • Brianna

    Thank you, Connor, for showing me what a connection on a physical & emotional level is really like. I still think about you everyday, but I know you don’t do the same and I’ve accepted it. You don’t want anything serious, but what we had in that short moment of 2 months was oh so real. As I continue on my spiritual journey in finding myself, I also hope you awaken & do the same. I only wish the best for you.

  • Emily

    Thank you for making me feel sexy again. I spent most of the past year working on getting healthy and feeling better about myself, and you came along and really helped me celebrate my physical transformation. You gave me a new appreciation for myself that I had been missing and needed to get back. I feel much more confident and most of all, motivated to keep getting stronger and healthier physically and emotionally.

  • Samantha

    If both individuals feel a strong connection towards each other, shouldn’t they both try hard to stay together ? I’m so confused

  • Cherie

    To JPM for opening my heart that was closed off for so long. For letting me realize that wonderful men like yourself do exist and despite the age difference we were able to share the common interests of the heart….
    I am more courageous because of you, I spoke my truth willing and accepting of yours.
    Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU!

  • lily

    Thank you for being there for me through a difficult period in my life. for teaching me not to be worried and anxious. to let go of my inner demons, and all the negativity in my past. Thanks for making me see a more positive outlook in life.

    Everything happens for a reason, and I am glad that our paths crossed, though it was shortlived.

    I wish u nothing but love, peace and light AS. It’s time to release my anger and bitterness towards you as I now realized we connected for me to receive something or someone in the future who is meant for me.

  • Mormonlady 2010

    To my loving friend Jason,

    We have an AMAZING non-physical connection, but you have made it clear to me that we should just be forever friends, relying and helping each other when we need it. I am so thankful and grateful for our wonderful friendship, and I wouldn’t trade it in for anything in the world. Thank you for showing me how to love again!

  • birdie

    Thank you for reminding me of what chemistry feels like, and helping me see how far I’ve come.

  • Ashley

    I had a bad relationship once with my ex boyfriend & nvr thought ill love or fall for anyone else ever .. i had trust issue .. however i met this girl later in my lifetime, never noticing her at first, but now we talk and all a sudden i find myself attached catching major feeling, i will do anything for her. I do feel a connection & maybe thats what got me attached but she is complicated, and i dont know if its healthy for me too keep her around but i cant let her go its scary , i just hope for the best .

  • Shereen

    Jeremy, thank you for being in my life. From the get go, we hit it off and when we met in real life, never have I ever felt such comfort and connection with someone. I appreciate your presence in my life, I understood why you came into my life. You gave me hope in love and taught me to love myself. Most of my friends think you’re toxic but they had no idea how much you’ve helped me. Although I do wish we would be more than what we are, I am happy that I met you and that you have changed me. You changed me before I could be destructive to myself. I owe you one.