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Woman feeling stressed over phone

When is it safe to call him?

This past weekend, my friend and thought-leader extraordinaire Meggan Watterson hosted her annual REVEAL event.

I was super honored that she invited me to be a part of the day because I got to speak and share my story in a totally new way.

It pushed me to let myself get even more vulnerable, and as a room full of over 150 women, we laughed, we cried, and connected in such amazing ways.

Now if you’ve got a man in your life that you’ve been resisting reaching out to, this one’s for you.

Have you ever really wanted to reach out to a guy you went on a date with or were into thinking, should I call him? And then all of these thoughts flood into your brain (or maybe come from your friends):

I don’t want to reach out, he’ll think I’m needy.

If he was into me he would tell me so I guess he isn’t.

It’s not my job to do this, he should be pursuing me.

Maybe I just want to reach out to him because I’m feeling lonely and desperate right now? Or was there really something there?

Just keep yourself distracted so you don’t feel the need to reach out.

 Okay, if you know me by now you know that all of these assumptions and rules drive me crazy.

But I also understand how this feels – SO BEEN THERE.

Yes you go through this even when married. It really never stops 🙂

It can be totally confusing – why can’t the guy just be upfront and have an honest conversation about what he is really thinking, so we don’t feel like we are playing the guessing game?

Well, first of all as human beings I believe that there are several reasons we stop ourselves from really telling someone what we think or feel. And by the way we ALL do it.

1. If we say it out loud we have to admit what is true for us

2. If we say it out loud and the other person doesn’t like it, they won’t like/love us

3. If we tell someone how we really feel, we might hurt their feelings, or they might misunderstand us.

Therefore, when you think about the men that may have left you feeling like they didn’t care, disappeared or vanished without a word – it had nothing to do with you.

What I mean is they may have not been feeling a connection or weren’t ready to commit, so instead of letting you in on that, they say nothing for fear of feeling one of those 3 things above.

How do I know? Because we’ve all done it in some way, right?

But what I would really like you to get is that this doesn’t mean you pushed him away or did something to sabotage the relationship.

The truth is that, it is actually difficult to be totally honest with ourselves and others.

That is why I exist!

I help people move through the fear of being judged, embarrassed, feeling stupid or hurting others so they can be fully expressed and reveal their truth.

When you say what you need and desire, you give other people space to be truthful with you too. {Tweet This}

I know though that if you are reading this you are like me.

You are committed to living a life that is EXTRAORDINARY.

Not just some mediocre life.

You are nonconformist, a rebel if you will, and so what that also means is that you are committed to move through fear towards love in every moment.

Where am I going with all of this?

If you are being plagued by the question “When is it safe to call him?” because a man isn’t being very responsive, this is what you do.

First take in what I said above because it will help you tone down the pressure.

Then ask yourself the following questions.

This will help you separate whether reaching out to him is coming from a place of desperation or truth for you:

1) How do I feel about HIM?

Often we get stuck in thinking WAY more about what the man wants, what he likes, and what he’s thinking that we totally disconnect from what WE FEEL. So, if your answer to this starts with anything about, “Well we have had intimate conversations and that makes me feel special.” EHHH – not quite what we’re looking for.

If you are like, “I really like him, I seem to open up in ways I haven’t in the past with other men, or he makes me feel like I can be myself.” This is a GOOD sign, and reaching out to him would be good.

2) What do you really want to get clear on?

For example, a client of mine is moving from NYC to CA in a few months. She is currently dating a man that she likes a lot, but when she mentioned she was moving to CA, the conversations went from feeling intimate to back to talking like they were on a first date.

She was like, “I would still like to be in a relationship with him, but now he may not want that because I am moving. I am obsessing over this because he hasn’t been in communication regularly after I told him.”

She said, “We are seeing each other this Thursday, so should I ask him if he wants to be in a relationship or if he is scared about the fact that I am moving to CA?”

So I said, “This isn’t about locking him down into a relationship right now, because I can feel you aren’t totally sure and you are both still just getting to know one another. So, just say to him ‘When I mentioned CA it seemed like you pulled back a bit. I may be making this up, but I could feel that, so I wanted to ask if that has changed the way you see us dating?”

Do you see my point here?

Usually there is a specific question you have that you just need an answer to, versus thinking we need to know EXACTLY how he feels about you or locking down a decision around a title for the relationship.

3) What is my fear in reaching out and saying something?

If anything around looking stupid, not being cool enough, being embarrassed comes up, then call him, text him, or reach out in some way.

Call out the fear, that is totally okay.

So, for example with my client moving to CA. I told her to call out her fear of her making up that things shifted when she revealed she was moving. When you call out the fear it dissolves it immediately, and you feel more at peace because you voiced it.

I walked her through these three questions just like I am having you do here, and she reached out to the man she’s dating and he agreed to meet up with her again and talk things through.

But even if he had said that he had changed his mind, she would have gotten the answer she needed to stop wondering in her head.

So, your Lovework is to ask yourself these three questions and tell us how you are going to reach out to a man you have been thinking about reaching out to in some way or even obsessing about.

I promise this will help!

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Andrea

    The timing of this message is astonishing! I started writing a letter just a few days ago to a man I can’t stop thinking about. The questions you pose really confirm what I’ve been feeling I needed to do. My list of fears seems endless: I’m afraid of looking like a complete idiot. I’m afraid he might not answer if I call, or that my words won’t come out right. Honestly, my biggest fear is that expressing how I feel may not change how he feels about me. I want him to say he’s glad I finally reached out and I want it to eventually lead to “happily ever after”. I guess that’s why I’m doing it…because there’s a chance that it could work out, but I’ll never know unless I risk being vulnerable.

    Thanks for encouraging me to do it!

    • Kavita

      That’s awesome Andrea! All the best.