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How to weed out the wrong men online (or in person)

How to weed out the wrong men online or in person

Thank you to all of the amazing women who have enrolled in Soul Level Love and who took the time to watch the free video series.

I appreciate each and every one of you.

This post answered the question:

How do I weed out the wrong men when I’m messaging them online so I don’t even need to waste my time going on a date with them?

I loved this question because it’s SO true.

When you’re online dating your inbox can be inundated with a bunch of “potentials” with no guidelines in sight about how you’re supposed to know who to keep talking to and what to say past “I really like your profile”.

I know every dating expert on earth talks about knowing your “non-negotiables”, but there’s a really good way you can turn them into fun, harmless questions and figure out if the guy you’re talking to is worth more conversation.

So do you have 3 non-negotiable values? I’m not talking about characteristics like “He needs to be at least 6ft tall” or “Masters or MBA is a must-have”.

Those things are NOT what define someone’s character or how good of a match a man is going to be for you, so let’s stick to things that are focused around things in your life that you value.

Are you looking for a man who is family-oriented and close with his own family?

Is travel super important and do you want to be with someone who would be up for traveling the world with you?

Do you want to be with someone who is open to sharing in some traditions with you that are super important? (Like for me I knew that if I wasn’t with someone of my own religion, someone who was accepting and understanding and open to it was still a must).

Once you have a couple of areas pinned down, throw some fun questions into the mix of your conversations or messages to get more insight into who this man is.

There are SO many ways you can frame a question around your values to get an answer that will help you filter out the guys you wouldn’t want to go out on a date with.

For example, if you want a man who is family oriented, you could ask him: “What’s one of your favorite memories of a family vacation/family tradition?” and if he comes back with an answer like “UGH I really don’t like family vacations, I haven’t gone in years” then this gives you insight into that part of his life that might not match with what’s important to you.

You could ask him the favorite place in the world he’s ever been or wants to go in the future, and then tell him a fun story about your travels.

You could let him in on a great tradition you have with your girlfriends to meet up every year in a different city because you’re spread out all over the country and ask him if he has any weird traditions with his friends.

The point is to have fun and clever with this.

Having fun and being flirtatious in these conversations is one of the tricks to having interactions with men online that turn into dates and can STILL get you the info you need to know if he’s worth your time.

If you ask a question around each of your values, you will get the information you need from him to discern if you’d like to keep getting to know him or not.

WITHOUT spending your time on a date with someone that you don’t really want to see again.

Now let me just put a caveat here because SO many of my ladies (being the smart, successful women that you are) have this huge “thing” around a man’s grammar online and will probably even consider that to be one of your top values.
Like not just a few of you. 🙂

I TOTALLY get that you want to be with someone who is intelligent and knows the difference between your and you’re, but I don’t think you can discern someone’s ability to be your true love based on their grammar.
What you CAN gauge when online dating is whether they are being lazy while they’re typing messages to you.

The guy that writes his messages to you like he’s texting, for example: “How r u?” or “What r u doing 2nite?” IS showing laziness and a lack of effort, and can probably be screened off at this point.

But grammar does not mean a man is right or wrong for you, so ASK him your three questions based off your values to get a better look into who he is as a person.

If his answers are thoughtful and peak your interest, his grammar may not be as important to you as you thought. 🙂

Your Lovework this week is to tell me in the comments how you currently weed out the men you feel aren’t the right ones for you.

I’ll be scoping them out to help!

In Love,
Kavita

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  • sky

    First of all I delete men who send me pics of their penis…. and there are heaps of those! Then ones that say they will marry me. There are quite a few of those.
    The ones I’m interested in are the ones I can connect with.
    But even when I do connect with them they say they want more then never return I am really wondering if I’m going to be single for the rest of my life.
    It isnt a death sentence because I have a wonderful ife but I would really like a man to care for me and be there for me and have fun with. I know its not some fantastic impossible dream so where the bloody hell is he???

    • Kavita

      HI Sky! I always say what Resists persists. This happens when we make our worries our reality. You are worried/resisting being single for the rest of your life which can show up when you meet men. Get vulnerable with yourself and fully understand what it is that you’re resisting and where that comes from.

  • Infinity

    I weed out all the form letters. They are clearly sending the same letter to all women. Don’t reply if he hadn’t read your profile. Also, messages of 3 words or less. Womanizers! 😉

    • Kavita

      Hi Infinity! Is the 3 word message the first message? Sometimes men get a little shy and aren’t sure what to say and want to gauge interest before they tell you everything. I’m sure they see your profile and their just hoping for a chance to speak more. You might be surprised by one of them!

  • Daisy

    I’ve been using dating websites for many years. There are two things, in particular, that I look for and are amazingly usually absent! When a man writes to me and mentions nothing about my profile I know darn well he isn’t responding to the words I put in my profile. I write from my heart. If he doesn’t respond to what I am saying I don’t feel he has “seen” me. The other missing thing in many profiles that men write is what they are looking for in a woman. Instead it’s a litany of lists of accomplishments, travels, things they like to do. All this leads me to believe too many men are clueless about what healthy, loving relationships are. Now I’m at an age where there are so few men I would find desirable that I have little hope left. I’m in a semi-rural area. There are far more available women in all age groups. In the past year I notice that MOST of the men who were there a year ago, still are. That makes no sense. What is wrong about this? First and foremost what I look for in a man is an open heart. I haven’t found one yet. I have found the walking wounded, though. I don’t want to give up on love. I don’t want to go through the last years of my life alone. I’m coming to the reality that it’s what may happen.

  • Tress

    I look for men who seem excited by their life. so if they have too much negativity or whining, i just move past them. 🙂

    • Kavita

      Great Tress, How has that been working for you? Have you met some good men?

  • Lori

    I have non-negotiables (no smokers) but I know you are referring to qualities or lifestyle issues that are broader in scope. Mine are: 1- I need a man who is committed to physical fitness, 2- is culturally aware and likes to attend music, theatrical, or other cultural events, and- 3- I need a man who is fairly social. I love being surrounded by friends and family thus I truly want to socialize with my partner.
    I tend to look for inner qualities like kindness, healthy communication, (emotional maturity), an open heart, and someone who lives life like a grownup (financial responsibility is important to me). But I also realize that the values I listed in my 1,2, 3 list- while sounding simple- are things that make me happy. I’ve had relationships with men who just had zero sense of refinement, and I could not connect with them intellectually or even feel good around them in a nice restaurant. On the other hand, men who are so intellectual they don’t really have social skills or live a very sedentary life are also a poor fit.
    So I weed out by trying to discover a man’s exercise habits, what he does for fun and/or his hobbies- which can give me information about his social life but also might tell me about his likes – or dislikes- around cultural events. I find men who read frequently tend to be more culturally aware. I ask them directly if they enjoy the theatre or perhaps what books they are reading. I share these things about myself in e-mail conversations before I meet them. In the online world, this information is often already listed in their profiles. I find you can play the A or B question game about a topic and see what they answer. It’s a flirty way to ask questions.

    • Kavita

      Thanks for sharing your experience Lori!!!