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Woman upset, man walking away

Did I make a mistake breaking up with my Ex?

My client Nora and I were talking this week about a man that she had been in a relationship with over 6 years ago and stayed friends with. In fact they are almost best friends.

Nora recently moved from New York to San Francisco and so she is immersed in a new job, new environment, trying to make new friends.

With that comes naturally missing the old and familiar.

So her best friend (and ex) Tom came to visit and they had an awesome time.

Nora described that being with him is so easy and they just fit.

She said, “I don’t feel like I have to try. We have similar interests and sometimes we don’t even have to say anything, it just feels totally normal and good.”

When Tom left to go back to New York, a questioning started brewing for Nora.

She emailed me somewhat frantically, asking “should I get back with my ex?” He is such a great person and she didn’t want to MISS OUT if he were to find another woman.

When we got on the phone to talk it through, my first question was, “Why did you break up with him in the first place?”

She explained that at the time he really didn’t have his life together, he didn’t have a job, he was depressed, and she just couldn’t put myself through that, which was totally valid.

Then I said, “What if tomorrow Tom was in a relationship with a girl, how would that make you feel?”

She said, “I would feel like I totally missed out on an awesome man.”

Then I asked, “Are you still attracted to him?”

Nora said, “Well that’s the thing. Not really, but that can change right? I used to be attracted to him when we were dating.”

If you can feel just through the words I am writing what I could feel through the phone, it was A LOT of HEAD and not enough HEART.

I said, “I can’t hear the excitement for you. All I hear is you are afraid he is going to move on and you are going to be left single forever.”

She was like, “Yeah I guess you’re right. I just stopped trusting myself when it comes to love and making choices.”

At first I asked her what stopped her from trusting herself and she began describing an ex from college, but I knew it was deeper than that.

I asked, “Who doesn’t trust your judgment your mom or your dad?”

She immediately said her mom.

That’s when it hit me.

It was so clear that she wasn’t excited about Tom but there was a voice inside of her saying “Don’t trust yourself, you don’t want to miss out” and I could tell that wasn’t her.

That voice was actually Nora’s mom’s inside of her head.

I checked in with Nora via email to see what hit her after the call.

This is what she wrote:

What hit me the most was that my mom thinking I am making the wrong choices, and constantly trying to tell me what she thinks the right choices are, makes me second-guess myself constantly.

I didn’t realize how much her voice is in my head.  Her whole ideology that we are responsible for everything in our lives translates into me blaming myself any time anything isn’t perfect in my life and concluding that I must have made the wrong choices.

She thinks if anything is wrong, it must be because I messed something up and now I need to fix it – and usually she has already “figured out” how.

If I’m not happy with my dating life, I obsessively go back to decisions I’ve made and try to figure out where I went wrong and what I should have done instead, which is unproductive and undermines my confidence and belief in myself.

It seems to be empowering for her to feel like she has complete control over everything in her life, but for me it’s not empowering at all – it’s exhausting and discouraging.  

Now I totally believe that the healthiest way to lead your life, to get WAY more of what you want and feel empowered is to believe that YOU are the creator of your life.

Meaning you can shift and alter your life according to what you believe (and often you have to change those beliefs to actually get what you want because some beliefs are stopping you from having what you desire).

I also want to add an AND – a BIG AND.

You aren’t doing it alone; there is so much you can’t see.

In fact scientists say that in any moment your brain is actually only retaining 2% and 98% will be lost.

What the human brain can comprehend and understand is a drop in the ocean compared to the amount of knowledge out in the world.

So, to think that we literally have control over everyone and everything is absurd.

We are co-creating with the cosmos, Universe, karma.

And for some of you that is REALLY helpful to hear.

It can feel like you don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders.

Your Lovework for this week is to tell me below in the comments if you are struggling with trusting your choices in men. Have you ever considered dating a man you knew wasn’t right because you were afraid you would miss out on something better?

Photo by Nicolas Raymond / CC 3.0  

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Ligea

    I really appreciate this message because I’m currently in a relationship with a good man and I keep hearing my dad’s voice telling me I’m ruining my life. I was partially aware that I was having trouble trusting my choices and worried about “what if this isn’t the right guy for me?” I just realized everything was going great between us until last Thanksgiving when I visited my dad and told him about my guy, which resulted in an angry message from him about what a mistake I’m making. Since then I’ve been full of doubt and struggling when before the relationship was easy, relaxed. Now, how to shut off that voice and get back to trusting in myself? I’m so glad you opened my eyes to where it was coming from. I think that’s the first step.

  • Lori

    This question confuses me some b/c if I really think I am going to miss out on someone better I won’t date a man that feels really wrong for me, I’ll either not go out again or end the relationship. At times I have dated men- or tried to make myself like men- who were wrong for me but more so b/c what they were on paper SEEMED as if I SHOULD like them. Even though my body and/or heart said no. I am struggling now b/c I broke up with a man my body and heart adored, but we were SO different in backgrounds and he lacked any refinement; thus I felt embarrassed by this lack at times in public. I couldn’t stop noticing these things and it was tormenting. Now I am around him in my social circle and I am still attracted to him and I do not notice these issues. So I am on the fence here. And yes in the past I did not trust myself in my choices with men at all. I feel much further along now in my ability to trust my choices, but I am not sure if I should attempt to reignite that relationship. My mother is sometimes embarrassed by my father’s behavior but he actually is pretty classy. I rarely discuss anything about my love life with my father, and when I have he dismisses my choices or opinions.

    • Lori

      It’s funny I think I finally get the missing piece in that relationship- I really wasn’t owning that my own pickiness about etiquette at times comes from ME. It’s just me and I need to love and accept this part of myself as much as I needed to love and accept that he a rough around the edges man. And those things were just who we are. They have to be allowed to be known and we tried to pretend they weren’t there or “fix” them rather than really see them fully and THEN decide if we could really be together.

  • takisha

    Kavita, I struggle everyday with not trusting my choice with men. I choose men who do not value me. So it is a reflection of what’s going on in my internal. I can attest to the last question. I married my husband knowing he wasn’t right for me and we just we not through a divorce 2 weeks ago. We were married for 7 years. I never believed anyone else would love or marry me so I said yes to him. I knew in my heart he wasn’t right. Even now I’m afraid I will never find love. I molested and my parents divorced. I think it ties to that.

    • Kavita

      Hi Takisha,

      Taking back control of your life is a step by step process. You may want to take some time to yourself to heal and grow. get to know yourself by getting closer to your family and doing some personal development. If you learn to trust yourself then the choosing love will become easier. Just take it one step at time. No rush.

  • Kate

    Such a great article again. Thank you, Kavita! My mom does not trust my choices, and over the years I’m learning to distinguish the motives for my actions – whether I’m going for something because I really want it or whether I’m trying to live up to my mom’s expectations of me. It’s eye opening how much of this is carried into our adult lives and needs to be dealt with before finding true love, connection and happiness. Thank you for your help in this journey.

  • Zoe

    I found this article very comforting as it’s nice to know I’m not the only woman that struggles to listen to her gut instincts and intuition. My last two relationships were with guys that I knew weren’t completely in love with me but I stayed because it was better than being alone and I was foolishly hoping they would change. Now that I have really figured this out in my own head, I am determined to find someone who is right for me and who is truly grateful to have me in their life. Waiting for the right one is the hard part though!

    • Kavita

      HI Zoe, I know its hard not knowing when it will come. In the meantime do what you have to do for yourself, you may meet him while dining at your favourite restaurant while out with friends, or doing your favourite activity. As long as you are ready and open to love it will happen.

  • Shelliann

    Hi Kavita, let me start by saying you’re the truth. Everything you’ve said thus far is so true. It may have been said before but not as relatable as you say it. My issue is I don’t have a relationship with either of my parents. I migrated to the USA at 20 all by myself and I’ve been living here longer than I lived in my country. I know I was taught values but the way they were taught lead to resentment. I have a great work ethic but I’m in debt due to insecurities. I need help

    • Kavita

      HI Shelliann, if you’ve been following me for a while you will know that we are both of our parents. Most of who we are we learn in our formative years from ages 1-11. You do have to work through this resentment with your parents to understand where that is coming from and understand why they are the way they are. We work through this in Soul Level love, the next class is starting soon you can get on the waiting list here: SoulLoveLove.com Hope to see you in there!

  • Deirdre

    Hi Kavita,
    A friend of mine had shown me a couple of your videos, I have to say you caught my attention. A lot of what I’ve seen and read about your views on love have made a lot of sense for me. I’ve been in a relationship for about 11 years now. We’ve been on and off quite often and now have two beautiful children. I feel like we don’t really connect on a soul level love as you say. I’m in a point of my life where I wanna find out what it is that’s holding us back or if it’s just not going to work out for us. I’d really appreciate some of your feedback, maybe it can give a little light to my situation.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Deirdre, have you checked out the Soul Level Love Series? Here is a link: http://soullevellove.com/. It’s totally free, and I know I can help you. Leave me a comment under one of those videos and check out the Soul Level Love program if it resonates.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel
  • mai

    Hi, Kavita.
    I love your blogs and videos on FB. Thanks for the emails on the perspectives on love and life, etc.
    I’m single at the moment but I enjoy hearing about love stories.
    Can you make a video that shows us (women) how to tell if he’s the one?

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Yes, I have done full courses on it. 🙂 It’s about tapping into your intuition and learning to trust yourself. Part of that is being able to get vulnerable. Check out Sarah’s story in my blog post: When I got vulnerable he disappeared which you can find here http://kavitajpatel.com/?p=3191 . Her story may be completely different from yours but the lovework is the same.

  • Jerri Johnson

    Thank you for this blog! I have struggled with years thinking about ONE ex that I thought was the one that got away. TIMING was our biggest issue! However there was ONE other issue that I had with him as well, transparency about finances. I eventually ended the relationship because of this, but every other aspect of our relationship was great. Recently I had a chance to reconnect with him and he invited me to spend the 4th of July weekend with him and friends, WE WERE TOTALLY ON THE SAME PAGE! Communicated about the past, agreed to get to know each other again, etc. However, shortly after we returned home I found out some disturbing news about him. I asked him several times if he was dating or with someone that weekend and he said no. He was living with a woman 20 years his age who had a pretty risque profession in another city. Currently, she does nothing and sits at his house all day. Needless to say, I AM questioning my choices in men since this is the ONLY boyfriend I have EVER even considered going back to!!! I’m disappointed with my choice and don’t even want to date right now!

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