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Kavita & Hemal

Is the man I’m dating right for me?

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I know this is a little early but as Thanksgiving approaches and you prepare to spend time with your loved ones, I want you to be aware of your interactions.

So, this week we are re-visiting a post I did last year about my client Julie.

What I really want to make sure you see is that playing games, writing out your checklist of your ideal man, vision boarding, knowing your love language, even calling in the man you desire, cannot happen until you handle what is blocking you in love.

None of those methods will work until you can feel love and know you are worthy of it, and understanding how you see love has everything to do with how you relate to your parents. I know in the back of your head you are thinking, “Hmmm you’re right; I have tried one (or many) of those and I am still sitting here single, so there must be more to the story.”

Earlier this week Julie told me that she was dating this guy, Mark. They had gone out a couple of times and she was still unsure of her connection with him. She asked me “how do I know if he is right for me?”

She explained that she usually knows right away if she likes someone or not. She either has a deep connection with them and knows that she wants to see them more or realizes that they are not right for her. She knows what she wants, which can be good and bad.

Julie went on to say that she feels compelled to get to know Mark more but she isn’t falling for him as quickly as with other men in the past. This was foreign for her. She then said, “Well he is coming over tonight and I am just feeling a little blocked around whether I should keep it going or not.

I asked her what the hesitation was and Julie replied, “Well the way I feel connected to someone is when I share a story or what is going on in my life that they ask me questions, feel interested, and probe more. I just don’t feel like he does that. I can do that for him, but sometimes he just doesn’t ask more, and so it makes me feel like he doesn’t care or isn’t interested.

Intuitively I knew this had nothing to do with Mark, because most things don’t actually have to do with the person that is in front of you, but rather how you are getting triggered because of that person. {Tweet This}

That trigger has been there because of what you have experienced in your past, specifically with your parents and family.

I asked her, “So when have you felt like this before, where you say something and you hate it when someone doesn’t ask you more or is interested?” Julie immediately explained, “Well it happens all the time with my older brother.  He is just not very emotional and most of the time I feel like he doesn’t even care about me or what is happening in my life. I would NEVER want to be with someone that is like my brother.”

I totally understood! The reason she thought Mark wasn’t interested in her was because she was requiring him to ask specific questions in a specific way, so that she could feel crystal clear that he was into her. The reality is that he IS interested, but she was just so triggered because of her relationship with her older brother that she immediately jumped to conclusions. If the guy she was dating even slightly resembled how her brother tunes her out (in her perspective), then she translated that to mean he wasn’t interested in her.

I told her to seek out the ways that Mark is attentive. Notice when he’s listening and interested in what she has to say. I also explained to her that her brother absolutely loves her but doesn’t show it in the way she desires.

We had this conversation at the beginning of the week, and by the end of the week she reported back. She told me that she had an amazing time with Mark and that the mindset shift really made a difference. She even said, “I don’t know how I even thought that he wasn’t interested!”

Julie couldn’t see what she wanted until the bigger triggers (associated with her parents and siblings) that were around love and relationships turned down. Then she had space to decide, for herself, if this guy REALLY was right for her.

So this Thanksgiving your Lovework is to ask your family and/or friends these 2 questions:

  1. How am I amazing in relationships (romantic or otherwise)?
  2. What do they feel is blocking me in love?

I am asking you to do this because it will show you what your triggers might be. After you have identified one, ask yourself if you like or dislike that about your mom, dad, brother and/or sister? Awareness is super powerful.

You can even simply think back to your past relationships with a man or friends and ask yourself what broke that friendship or partnership up. In particular what was triggered inside of you?

Let me know what you think your friends and family would say about you below. I want you to do the Lovework, but I want you to take a guess first and tell me what that is in the comments.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Emi

    Love this article. I was thinking about how I am amazing and I am an extremely loving and giving partner. However, I feel like one of my blocks is that maybe I am a perfectionist. I am seeing someone right now and we have an awesome connection on a lot of levels. Although I am somewhat attracted, they are not physically ideal for me. There’s a part of me that says I shouldnt settle and should wait to find a person that totally hits it out of the ballpark on all areas, but truly I don’t know if that exists and I know that what I have is good. I don’t want years to go buy and my attraction fades more and I start to look around for someone who really does it for me. Am I doomed in relationships because of this mindset? Thanks!

    • Kavita

      Hi Emi, thanks for sharing and love the confidence. Check out my previous blog: How trying to be perfect could be blocking you in love. When we remove those barriers we allow love in!

  • Hazel

    My family would say that I’m bad at relationships and that I’m difficult at best. For a long time I believed them. It has taken me a lot of work to realise I have made mistakes but no more or less than anyone else. I remain single but it’s because I don’t want to short – change myself with a sub – standard relationship just to be in one. Still looking but more positive than before.

    • Kavita

      HI Hazel, thanks for sharing. I want you to actually ask someone in your family that you are close to the 2 questions in this post. There are times when they will surprise you based on the wording. You’re asking them for the positive and then asking them for their advice to get over the blocks. Try it and let us know how that works out.

  • alisa

    Hi Kavita, okay this question may be unrelated to this post, but I do really appreciate if you could shed some light on this.

    I’ve been dating this guy for 1.5 mths & things were going great. I love the way he treated me, he gave me so much love unlike any other guys. But the major turn off for me was he’s attitude on many things. He’s a heavy drinker, smoker, & he had more than 10 ex.

    Me, on the other hand, is those kind of perfect goodie goodie girl. I don’t drink, smoke, never had a boyfriend in my life. I just can’t accept the fact whenever I thought how intimate he was with those girls, worse of all, he still remain friends with them. I mean, to me it’s like how can you be pure friendship w/ someone that you’ve loved before?

    Besides, I never approve his drinking & smoking habits, but I don’t wanna act like I’m changing or controlling him bcz I don’t want to control my lover in a relationship.

    Totally overwhelm & confused. Only you can save me, Kavita, do shed some light on this. Appreciate it, thanks

  • Sarah Kandefer

    I love the lovework for this post and I am committed to asking at least 2 people in my life these questions this week. I think how I am amazing in relationships is I am able to put myself in the other person’s shoes, am compassionate and what the absolute best for everyone in my life.

    I think what is blocking me is not openly sharing my feelings / needs in a realtionship (not being vulnerable) out of fear of being needy and also out of a fear of being overly dominant/aggressive (like my mom and both grandmothers). The latter has had me become super passive which isn’t authentic.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Amazing. Thank you for sharing Sarah

  • Simone

    Thank you for sharing this wonderful article. Such a great LOVEWORK assignment. I am going to ask my mom and some friends and see who gets back. So I commit to asking until I get a minimum of 2 responses.

    1. How am I amazing in relationships (romantic or otherwise)?
    I deeply care about the other person feeling uplifted and like to encourage and be attentive to their emotions. I am available and encouraging in discussions about their interests and especially their feelings. I want to help them to feel solid, secure, confident, supported and loved. And I am good at it. Many friends have said I would be a great life coach or therapist. Or that I am better than their therapist. Or that I say what their therapist said. I enjoy being encouraging. I feel confident that I am good at this. I can be very present and focused and that can be amazing as people can be distracted and not give their full attention even to their primary life partner. I have heard that I am thoughtful, kind, and caring.

    Sidebar: I did the 4 Love types worksheet and I am “Nurturer”.
    I can see where some of my strengths walk the line with mothering. I appreciate the tip to see men as being capable, strong and that they can take care of themselves. Just from reading that my whole chest clenches up. I feel like I can’t trust myself to breath when I think of a man that way. My parents divorced when I was 1 and my biological father was abusive when I visited him and did not pay much child support. So I feel very uncomfortable fully getting behind that statement. Even though I know that logistically it is the more beneficial perspective. And I am aware of the drawbacks of holding onto this feeling. I feel vulnerable and crazy to think of a man in the way you have recommended. And I do not know how to fake that until I make it? Or switch my instinctual feeling about men being dangerous, irresponsible, selfish, unaware and ignorant because of my father. I want to not feel that way. I see how damaging it is. How can change my feeling then?

    2. What do they/I feel is blocking me in love?
    I am afraid to trust a man with my full self. I am very open and feel like I am being open but can see where I am holding back to protect myself. Clearly from my father’s actions when I was a child.

    I wish I could say this was news to me. I am very aware of this pattern and that I would be better off trusting or in particular trusting the man I am with. I feel like I am protecting myself and that I need to by being skeptical and cautious. And I believe that this deep belief pushes men away who love me and make them feel rejected and insulted and it inspires them to push me away. Or in particular the one I am with to reject me in ways that are very hurtful. In other words I feel my trigger is causing the results I do not want to happen. I feel like I am the cause of the conflicts when I am rejected by my boyfriend. Because deep down I am afraid of him, afraid of being rejected by him, do not trust him and feel I need to protect myself from him. What can I do to trust myself more so I can trust him more?

    How can I resolve this ugly cycle?