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Kavita, Hemal, and brother on New Years

How being too “open” to love can make you unknowingly settle in a relationship

This week I wanted to let you in on an experience I watched my brother go through around Love.

He met a girl online who he really liked.

They had been talking for about 3 weeks (a LOT), getting to know one another and having those deep-hearted conversations.

Yes my brother is deep. Runs in the family. 🙂

So last week, my brother decided to come see her for New Years Eve. She lives in NYC and he lives in Ohio.

I suggested that they meet up first and then come meet us at my friends party if they felt like it.

When he got in from his flight, he was nervous! They had many Facetime conversations, so they knew the intellectual attraction was there, but he didn’t know if they would have that physical connection too.

It’s so difficult to know if you are physically attracted to someone unless you can feel their presence and energy in person.

So that night, he got ready and went to go meet her.

Several hours later they came to meet up with Hemal and I.

I was so happy to see them!

I had so much fun.

The first thing my brother says after introducing his date was “she’s been having a bad day. Her entire purse flipped over in the subway and she doesn’t love her dress, so she’s feeling a little self-conscious.”

I think this was my brother’s way of letting me know the state of things currently and to help her break the ice.

So I said to her, “That sucks that you have been having a bad day. You look beautiful!”

As the night progressed, Hemal and I were hanging out talking to people at the party, giving my brother and his date time to get to know one another.

There was this moment before midnight hit, where I looked at my brother and he looked totally bored.

I intuitively knew he was a “No”. He wasn’t interested at all.

But I kept it to myself.

The next day, after we all woke up I said, “So what did you think of her?”

He replied and said, “I don’t know, we’ll see.”

I said, “You aren’t interested in her.”

He looked at me like a deer in headlights and was like, “No I don’t know.”

Then he took a deep breath in and said, “Yeah, I am not into her at all.”

I said, “It’s okay. It is how you FEEL. Honor it.

But it is interesting how you went from liking her to not liking her, within hours. What happened?”

He said, “Well the first thing is there just wasn’t this physical attraction for me. Even though she was pretty, it just wasn’t there and the physical attraction piece is so important for me.”

I dug a little deeper, “When you saw pictures online, because there were full body pictures of her, did you get that sense, that it just wasn’t there?”

He said, “Actually yes, but I just thought I should be open and not be closed minded or too picky.”

But he wasn’t being picky!

He just knew what he wanted.

I hear the same sentiment from women all the time: “I should just be open and give someone a chance.”

I think what is MORE important is to ask yourself if you FEEL excited and compelled to really reach out to this person.

Being open means that you are internally aligned with receiving love, and fully ready to give it.

Often we have one or the other but not both and we are settling in a relationship.

That is why the work I do is so important. That is why I created my Soul Level Love program.

It is about seeing all the love blocks we have within ourselves and releasing them. So we can love ourselves more, know what we deserve and be really open to what is possible.

It’s not about just giving different people a lot of chances when we know it’s not right.

I want you to ask yourself, is there something inspiring about this person that makes me want to get to know them further?

If a YES comes up even if it is a softer YES, then see it through.

If not you have every right to say this person just isn’t right for me.

So, in my brothers situation I explained to him that it is important for you to declare to yourself what you want and you are allowed to stick to that, with a little bit of wiggle room.

He declared, “I want a woman I am attracted to physically, someone who is spiritual, and someone that is vegetarian. Those things are really important to me.”

Then he said to me,  “Do you think I can meet the right person?”

And to that I said, “ABSOLUTELY!”

What I want you to get out of my brother’s story is first that men go through the same things that we do when it comes to love.

Secondly, it is SO important to get clear on what qualities you want in a man.  You are allowed to not always be in a state of, “I should just be open” and avoid settling in a relationship.

Your Lovework this week is to tell me below in the comments what are the 2 – 3 qualities you are declaring you want in a man?

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Elizabeth

    Ability to be in the moment and really listen and connect, Confidence, Sincere

    • Kavita

      Thanks Elizabeth.

  • kate k.

    The qualities listed by your brother, Kavita, really are the key qualities. I would say, physically attractive, healthy life style, and financially stable. I’m not materialistic, just looking for someone who has their stuff together. Thank you for your work and your courses!

    • kate k.

      I would also add spiritual, but you said only 3 🙂

      • Kavita

        LOL! Great Kate, you can have more then 3, if that’s what you need. Thank you for sharing!

    • Kathy

      Kavita, My must haves are good character, kindness, a little bit of “class”, and as someone mentioned before.. He tries his best to stay emotionally connected to me.. That one is really important to me. We have to have a very strong emotional connection.

      • Kavita

        Great Kathy!

  • Svetla Kalcheva

    Top 3 are the same for me-vegetarian/vegan, physically attractive to me, and spiritual!

    • Kavita

      Same here Svelta

  • esra

    I am manifesting someone I have an amazing chemistry with ,it feels like home when I am with him and we respect and love eachother unconditionally

    • Kavita

      🙂

    • Kavita

      Great Esra,

  • linda

    Thanks for this great post kavita! An eye opener to me as I was open and has given many men chances of which I already knew it wasn’t right. So I declare I want the following qualities in a man physical attraction, healthy lifestyle, stability, and intellect.
    Thank you!!

    • Kavita

      Each one of those chances gave you some insight into what you really want! Keep up the good work Linda!

  • Audrey

    Ok the qualities I declare that I want in a man are (not including the goes-without-saying that I’m attracted to him, he’s attracted to me, he’s gainfully employed, and he doesn’t smoke or drink excessively which are kind of the rock bottom necessities: 1. he’s enthusiastic and expressive, 2. he’s emotionally connected (to himself first and foremost), and 3. he takes initiative. Oh and I’ll throw in #4: he doesn’t have to be in super amazing shape or a total health food nut but he should at least make some effort in both of those lifestyle areas. That’s my man!

    • Kavita

      Go get your man Audrey!

  • http://www.melaniearenas.com Melanie

    I love this story about your brother Kavita! It’s the first time that someone else says exactly how I feel about being “open” to love. If you know that you don’t have a connection with the other person you’re not being “picky” you are just being true to yourself. Love it! 🙂 My 3 qualities I’m declaring I want in a man: Handsome (physical attraction-both ways), Spiritual and passionate about his life purpose. And I just want to say thank you for creating Meet the Man…I feel my internal blocks shifting already…2015 is going to be my year! Lots of love 😉

    • Kavita

      Oh that’s awesome Melanie. Lots of love for you!

  • Dina Melucci

    That he be legally divorced, live alone, kids grown and gone. Yes and have a job. Preferably be smart and into me. And not womanize is a big one.

    • Kavita

      HI Dina, Smart is a great quality, what other qualities that explain who he is would you like in the man for you?

  • PB

    I would say my 3 non-negotiables are spiritual connection (I don’t have a specific tradition or religion I prefer, as I don’t have a specific one that I subscribe to myself), a love and respect for living beings, and someone that I find attractive.

    • Kavita

      Beautiful PB.

  • B C

    I agree with your brother as those are my big 3 as well. I consider myself to be a bit more religious so I appreciate any man who is spiritual or has faith of some sort. Additionally, I also look for the cultural component and how family oriented a guy is. Those two give me a lot of insight into his character. Hey maybe I should meet your brother! Thanks for the tips Kavita they help put things into perspective.

    • Kavita

      Thats so funny BC. I knew at least one woman would suggest it. 🙂

  • Mary

    1. Passionate 2. Similar sense of humor to mine 3. Ethical

    I really want a man who has a sense of right and wrong with a good character. A man who truly is trying to live by the Golden Rule.

    • Kavita

      You seem to know what you want Mary and that is great, it will make it easier to find the right man for you.

  • Kristin

    It boils down to two things:

    1) A true and demonstrable love of God first and foremost.

    2) A hunger to grow in all areas of life. Even as we age (I’m 54) we learn or need to give up some things while cultivating other things. Being comfortable to navigate the tension of holding firm, letting go or changing as life and circumstances change around us.

    • Kavita

      Beautifully put Kristin.

  • France

    The hard- to-find qualities I am looking for in a single man are:

    1. Equally yoked;
    2. Physical /mutual attraction;
    3. Vegan/vegetarian

    That was a nice article, thank you for sharing☺

    • Kavita

      France, Those are great qualities and when you find your man with them it will be worth it

  • Victoria

    My 3 top qualities, (1) physical attraction (2) I am able to talk freely with him, meaning I don’t feel I have to sensor myself, I can be me(3) down-to-earth, he has no judgment towards me, or others. Those are just my top 3.

    • Kavita

      Those are great Victoria, someone you can be yourself with is always important.

  • Anita

    1.)Humble man at peace with himself;
    2.)Spiritual man on a similar journey as me who can encourage my relationship with God and grow in God’s peace together;
    3.)Outdoorsy, tall, strong and ruggedly attractive.

    • Kavita

      Well thought out Anita!

  • lorraine gugliuzza

    Looking for : complete mental/spiritual connection
    not a lot of chemistry
    perfect fitting of our lives together/inlcuding with my kids

    • Kavita

      Hi Lorraine, why wouldn’t you want chemistry also?

    • wrose

      Sounds like you’re looking more for just a friend where there’s less pressure for intimacy.

  • stefani

    1) Spiritual man – having God in his life

    2) Able to communicate emotionally

    3) Intelligent

    4) Wants a committed relationship

    5) Financially stable

    For me these are the important ingredients for a relationship leading to marriage. I am a 61 y.o. woman, divorced, and continuing my journey to find a compatible partner.

    • Kavita

      Great Stefani, You will find him.

  • Lori

    I have never been married, and at times I have struggled with truly identifying the qualities I really need and desire. So I find it very freeing to state them definitively:
    1. He is emotionally mature- our relationship is anchored in deep truth and authenticity- we are both free to be our full selves. We are two fully-expressed people learning and growing with each other throughout our lives.
    2. Physical attraction- a spark and good physical chemistry between us.
    3. He is smart and socially adept- i.e. he can handle a variety of social activities with class.
    And for me it goes without saying that he is financially responsible and there is a sense of fun between us.
    This is a great exercise. I feel both excited and relieved to have these down.

    • Kavita

      Great Lori! Thank you for sharing!

  • christina

    Couldn’t reduce it to three but here are my 5 non-negotiables:
    1. Physical/spiritual/intellectual/emotional connection (basically my recipe for love)
    2. Financially responsible who’s found his calling (someone who feels they are living their purpose and succeeding in life)
    3. Kind with a great sense of humor and positive/optimistic outlook of life (important for me to have fun together; I want to marry my best friend)
    4. Fully-expressed but still open to continuous growth (there’s humility and we respect and feel inspired/challenged by each other; we become better versions of ourselves together)
    5. Values family

    Thank you, Kavita for all your valuable work!

    • Kavita

      Well thought out, Christina.

  • cyze

    I work with this guy that wasn’t really my type but as we spent time together our souls grew to really like each other he said he knew right off the bat 😉 (we travel for business so we live on the road) we spend our off days together most of the time and hang he’s afraid and I’m more the OPEN One in a love situation. We are real playful and fun loving together 🙂 we laugh a lot and no one knows about our relationship we are dating(people always refer to us as husband and wife LOL:) and actually slept together a few times after about 2 mths. I know its not just a sex thing for us but he’s not real quick on biting the bullet as I put it. He’s shy or scared to fully let his guard down but his eyes are googly when he looks at me and I just wanna be with him fully…In his arms is where I like it 😉 The other night he said are you gonna fall in love with me and I said I hate to say this but they usually fall in love with me 😉 then I smiled. He then said I could see why…I told him I didn’t know what the future would bring and if that’s what happens oh well its a good thing. He agreed..I think he was feeling the situation out to see what I’d say…(Just a lil FYI He’s been adopted so I know that plays a big role on being guarded and he doesn’t just let anyone in) I heard the voice Just love him do what you do but that also leaves me wayyyyyyyy open while he’s like a little turtle 🙂 we talk he likes me I know this but it kinda makes me krazy what should I do??I’m teaching him that being open to love others is OK we are here to love and help people with no strings attached so I told him I take that chance in spreading love with out worrying about the outcome… I come from a broken home strict single mom from a Country that doesn’t value women which I broke that mold and a dad that wasn’t there and the love of my life that committed suicide so I have abandonment issues and not having a father has made the whole guy thing a trust issue. I’ve never been married 48 & he’s 38 I likem young 😉 Cougar lol give me some feed back pls would appreciate it. I’m also an intuitive life and love coach but when it comes to me I prefer others input 🙂 thanks for your time….cyze

    • Kavita

      Hi Cyze, It sounds like you are happy with what you have, do you have a specific question? Do you want to be in a committed relationship with him or is the situation convenient for you in the meantime?

  • lele

    1.we must be physically attracted toeach other
    2. Must be on his own Christian no sex walk withGod (since I am)
    3. Must have have relationship views are a give and take (not just take)

    • Kavita

      Thanks for sharing Lele!

  • Delightful5

    1. Open minded
    2. Compassionate
    3. Confident

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing!

  • Sandi

    1. Spiritual (Christian)
    2. Mutual physical attraction
    3. Alpha
    4. Successful in what he does
    5. Funny & outgoing

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing Sandi!

  • Nesha White

    Loyalty
    Integrity
    Compassion

    • Kavita

      Thanks for sharing Nesha!

  • Joanna

    Kind, smart, thoughtful are my most important qualities. I was with a man who had none of those and I will not settle again!

    • Kavita

      Thanks for sharing Joanna!

  • Lola Falonna

    I would like to find a man who loves the Lord, is loyal, respectful, caring & fun! Someone who is not afraid to express his love for me & genuinely wants us to be happily in love with one another. I would like for him to be a provider as well. I have a great career but I’d like to have that feeling that it would be ok with him if I decided I no longer wanted to work.

    • Kavita

      Thanks for sharing Lola

  • Alfreda Byrd

    Christian, faithful and loving are just 3 qualities I want in my mate!

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing Alfreda.

  • Andrea Chapman

    A spiritually grounded man, he must have a great sense of humor, and a loving gentleman.

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing Andrea!

  • Chonda Thorne

    He needs to have a sense of humor because I like to laugh. He has to be God fearing and honest

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing Chonda.

  • Keisha Payne

    I would love for him to be so in love with Christ that he seeks the kingdom to find me, I want him to be attractive physically and emotionally, I want him to provide a sense of protection for me.

    • Kavita

      Awesome! Thanks for sharing, Keisha!

  • iceland

    god fearing,trustworthy,finacial stable

    • Kavita

      Awesome, Iceland! Thank you so much for sharing!

  • Vanetta Hanshaw

    Someone who loves Jesus, stable, and funny (who can take my smart mouth!)

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Vanetta, you will find your man! Thanks for sharing.

  • Jeanne B.

    A physically fit man who takes care of his mind, body, spirit, and emotions equally. Physical chemistry with a spiritual connection. A man with a sense of humor and a humanitarian. Grounded and Kind. Open minded and family oriented and who will love me with all the passion and purpose he has in his heart. Someone to compliment me, not complete me.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Well thought out, Jeanne! Thanks for sharing.

      • Jeanne B.

        Thank you Kavita… Now to just manifest him! <3

        • Deanna

          I’ll be praying you find him! We all deserve a man as great as that!

  • Neisha Williams

    I want a man who I’m physically attracted to, intellectually stimulating, loves kids because I have one, spiritual and financially stable.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Awesome, Neisha! Great Qualities!

  • cath

    Kavita is it cynical of me to think that all of these qualities are ideological? Perfect people don’t exist and it makes me anxious that a partner has to be “all that”. It’s a lot of pressure on people to think they must be this and that to get someone who wants them. Reading these comments make me think people have such high expectations! It scares me! Is this the kind of thing men want from me? Cause I sure don’t have it :O
    If I was going to state the qualities I want in a man I think I would just say someone that I can love for everything that they are and hope they love me for all that I am. I want mutual understanding respect and intimacy. Those baseline things are hard enough to get let alone a fit man who is spiritual, I’ve never met one of those 🙁

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      it is SO important to get clear on what qualities you want in a man, Cath. You deserve these qualities that you want. Once you see all the love blocks, you will start to see all the possibilities.

  • Deanna

    After taking some time away from dating, I have come back to it with a solid understanding of what it is that I need in a man who I chose to commit myself to. He must be someone with strong morale fiber. He must be able to make my heart smile, even on a bad day. He should be compassionate, giving, and grounded. And it sure wouldn’t hurt if he made my heart race! Someone who can carry on a great conversation and who is a family man.

  • Goldenrose

    I met a guy who I got to know properly on a night out with a group of friends. We managed to get sometime alone and we both used this chance to get to know each other. At the moment of us getting to know each other, I felt this instant connection with him. I felt that there was some sort of chemistry between us. There were times where he took my hand and we hugged from time to time. I felt that he understood me and we got to know each other on a deeper level. I am physically attracted to him and I really like him. I can’t exactly pinpoint whether he feels the same way. How can I tell he feels the same way as I feel about him?

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Goldenrose! You just have to get vulnerable with him and ask him how he feels and tell him what you are feeling. It sounds like he has the qualities that you are looking for in a man. That’s awesome!

  • mai

    Great article here, Kavita. I’m totally not a fan of online dating as it is very difficult to get to see and interact with the person. (am shy) However, for some it works.

    The qualities I would love for my future guy to have are Honesty and Sense of humor. Let me make emphasis on honesty because, I don’t want any surprises later on!

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Mai! Thank you for sharing!!

  • Alina

    I want a man who is physicial attractive to me, the one of integrity and intellectual.

  • Ruth Cortez

    I want a man that is kind attractive respectful

  • Felicia A. Vidito

    I have to be attracted to him and it has to be based more than just on how he looks. I have to feel an emotional attraction. Not even sure if that is the right word but when I have that “feeling” I know it.
    He has to be loyal, faithful, and honest.
    And he must also be monogamous. I have no interest whatsoever in any kind of polygamous or polyamorous relationships.
    One man. One woman. Me and him and that’s it. Period!

  • Amy Fielding

    Humanitarian heart, authentic with self,
    honest with a thrist for life

  • Shivani

    Kavita,
    I do the whole online dating too as well. I’ve met a gazillion guys and I’m always doing the “ok, I need to be open thing.” I’m into my late 30s, never married. I feel like I have to be open but there are a few things I won’t settle on such as career, finances, and education. Most of the ppl I meet are successful but it’s kind of like what your brother experienced, I’m not attracted to them. the ones that have been more attraction are usually the ones that aren’t successful and seem like they could be womanizers. So I guess my question is that since I’m older, maybe I need to go ahead and settle with someone that I’m not that attracted to? Ther person I’m talking to now fits into this category. He’s a very nice person and I feel like I should be open but I’m not attracted to him. Any thoughts…

    • wrose

      Hi, I’m sure since this comment is a year old you’ve found a solution by now. But just to share my thoughts- if you’re settling for someone you’re not attracted to, you’re being desperate. It shouldn’t matter if he treats you like the queen of this world if there isn’t any sort of attraction there. You can treat YOURSELF like a queen. You don’t need to be desperate for that. I really hope you didn’t settle. And if you did, I hope you found something to be attracted to in him that makes him special to you.

  • Gina Buban

    Hi Kavita,
    Three qualities I want in a guy:

    *Funny
    *Considerate
    *Physical attraction is there

    That seems hard to find! ?

    Thanks,
    G

  • Brittany Thomas

    Thank you so much for this article, Kavita. I really needed to hear all this. The guy I’ve been around for the past 20 years just accused me of mot being open-minded to staying in this relationship, despite the fact that I am not, and never have been physically attracted to him. I have given it all the time in the world and every chance to develop, but it just hasn’t happened for me. I guess 20 years is far too long to try to be attracted to someone I’m not. But I tried, I really tried. He says he has loved me for that long, and he won’t give up.But I just can’t make myself be attracted to him. It’s simply not there for me. Your article is just what I needed to tell me that it’s o.k. that I feel this way. I am sorry that I strung him along for that long a of a time.

  • Emilee

    Joined SLL to break down my walls that involve trust especially with other women. Three qualities I am looking for from my husband and future female friends are positivity, adventurous, acceptance, creative, and good sense of humor.

  • Emilee

    Guess I found 5 qualities:)

  • Liis K

    Thanks Kavita, this gave a lot of insight for me 🙂

    My qualities are: loves animals (because i want pets in the family and it shows he is kind and will be good with taking care of kids as well), loves nature (i love spending free time outdoors, going on hikes and this shows we have a common like in spending free time and possible fun family holidays together) and has a great sense of humour (most important quality in a man for me, shows intellectual compatibility, creativity and imagination and of course that he will be a good to spend time with, never boring). boom. done.

    Thanks again for posting!