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Kavita and Hemal embrace on the beach

What to do when he’s giving mixed signals

I have had such a beautiful week. One of my closest and dearest friends Nisha was here visiting me in LA.

When she is around it just feels like another part of me comes to life. There is nothing like gabbing for hours, pushing each other to see things we often don’t want to see, and just laughing and crying together.

Friendship with a close girlfriend fills my heart up in ways Hemal (my husband) can’t. He fills it up in other ways.

But honestly even I have days where Hemal and I go out to dinner and it‘s kind of boring.

It is our current practice to be really present and not in our heads, so we can ask deeper questions of each other rather than just a play by play of what our week looked like.

Some of the questions we are playing with are, “How are you feeling in the relationship right now?” “What are you currently scared of?” or “What is exciting you?”

Now I will be honest sometimes we never get to these kinds of questions and then I often feel like we aren’t totally connecting.

I want to let you in on this to reveal what is true in all relationships.  

To create and retain a connection it requires consistently getting vulnerable (which is one of the highest levels of presence).

Going out to dinner and then not really connecting just feels like you passed the time but you didn’t really fill your soul up with the connection.

And feeling connected to ourselves and others is something we are all seeking.

Speaking of filling time, I received a question this week and I wanted to answer it here because with men it can feel like we are often receiving some serious mixed signals.

Here’s what Rebecca asked:

I met someone who is not ready to date, he’s not even divorced yet. He says lets just be friends and doesn’t want a relationship but he is acting like we have one.  The roller coaster ride is hard.

What is the best way to handle it? When he gets closer should I slow it down so he doesn’t get scared away?

I seem to sabotage relationships and I’m trying to figure out why.

My answer to Rebecca is this:

Here is the thing with men (and I asked Hemal to ensure the male perspective) they want love and attention just as much as we do as women.

He doesn’t want to feel alone. So, he is being honest when he says let’s just be friends, which is code for I don’t want a relationship. But he keeps engaging with you because you are there.

You are willing to be there for him.

I remember reconnecting with a past love after Hemal and I had broken up.

It felt good to spend time with him and it diverted my attention from missing Hemal so much.

I call these men “time fillers”.

Now, I will say I took a lot of time off from even thinking about men or dating, but once I started to feel myself again it was nice to have a man there, so I didn’t feel so alone.

I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was comfortable and comforting.

I didn’t consciously at the time say “Well I just want someone to hang out with” but that is what I was doing.

I know I am not the only one that has done this before.  And so, men do the same thing.

My next question for you Rebecca is it sounds like he has been clear about what he wants, so what is keeping you from believing that?

It could be that you feel like you might be able to win him over or that he will wake up one day and change his mind.

I want you to operate from the place of that isn’t going to happen.

So, if that isn’t going to happen then if you choose to still be with him then you are walking into the situation with your eyes wide open, knowing he doesn’t want anything further.

If that doesn’t feel good because you want more, then it is important to then let it go.

Truth is, I don’t care what you decide here. It is about you walking in consciously CHOOSING instead of feeling like you are being taken advantage of. Because then you are empowered.

AND, you can change your mind at any time and make a new choice.

For this week’s Lovework, I want you to tell me in the comments on the blog, Have you ever been in a situation like Rebecca? What was keeping you from making a decision around it or what have you done in the past if you have experienced a situation like this?

Looking forward to hearing from you!

In Love,
Kavita

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  • esra

    I met this hot guy after watching your videos.eventhough he likes me and wants to spend time with me he made it clear that he can not make any promises for a long term relationship.Before your videos I would have been like I dont wanna lose you thats cool but since I know what I deserve I stopped seeing him and that made me feel very good actually.

    • Kavita

      That’s amazing that you feel good after ending it. It leaves so much room for you to have the love you deserve!!!

  • http://Www.cheesestringandjuiceboxes.wordpress.com Suzanne

    I met the man of my dreams. He’s amazing. And he was so there and ready for me. A few weeks later he found out that his mom was no longer in remission and her prognosis was not good. Having just gone through the same and lost my father earlier that year I was very empathetic and understanding. I wanted him to take care of himself and his little boy first. Per his suggestion we kept things light and one day at a time. We still had some amazing dates together and I even met some of his friends on New Years when he invited me to celebrate with him. But I could sense his stress about me and not being himself or the man he usually is. He worried that he was being a jerk. Finally we talked and talked and he realized that he needed space. It was the hardest thing and I’ve had good and bad days since. We tried to stay in contact but after having my own little meltdowns about hanging by a thread I’ve just had to let him go. I wouldn’t have made this healthy of a decision about a man in the past. I feel the most lonely I’ve ever felt. I know I made the right decision I juat wish I knew what the future had in store for me. I’m divorced and lost hope I would ever meet someone again and I did. What are the chances I will again?

    • Kavita

      Hi Suzanne, my condolences to you and your family. There was a point after your divorce when you didn’t think you would meet someone and you did. Not every connection is forever. This time you were there for him when he needed you, the next one may be for you. I know its hard to be patient but live in the moment that you are in. You have had love, and that is amazing. Celebrate that. When you are emotionally ready for it, it will happen, in the meantime do you lovework and enjoy the process.

  • http://Www.bohemianpondering.com Priya

    This is so true. People generally tell you what they are willing to do. It’s up to us to believe it. I broke up with a man two years ago January because he said he didn’t want a relationship and I did. I broke off all contact, deleted his number, blocked him on Facebook, etc. He contacted me a month later, ready for a relationship. We have been together for two years :).

    • Kavita

      Awesome Priya!! It really is about timing. Thank you for sharing with us 🙂

  • Lori

    I am in the process of ending a reverse of this situation and it is very painful. What has stopped me from making a decision now and in the past is how confusing it can be to love someone while also knowing from my deeper self that a person is not right for me for the long haul. Human connection is so vital and it is comforting to find a deep, soulful connection so it is hard to walk away. I have recently gotten so much clarity about what I really need in a life partner, so I know that ultimately this is the right thing to do, but it is a leap of faith to end it.

    • Kavita

      Exactly Lori, it’s never easy on either side. It’s about timing, its about doing what’s best for you. As confusing as it has been you have received clarity which is amazing. Keep on leaping. 🙂

  • Yeshi

    Thank you for this message, Kavita. Two days ago I found myself getting closer to a man that I have loved for a decade. He always told me that we could never have a relationship because we are too different. I sway between believing him and not, because of all the amazing moments we have had together. Just today, I woke up thinking, what am I doing! I am so confused and I know that I am going to end up hurt. Why am I doing this to my poor heart? I then got your email and it was like a sign from the universe. I decided thereafter that I need to end things before they get messy. So I took the leap and told him that I want to speak to him tomorrow. It’s time I make a healthy choice. Thank you for helping me understand myself better.

    • Kavita

      Hi Yeshi! So beautiful how you’ve made the choice to take control. Please update us on your progress!!

  • Mary

    I had the same thing happen to me recently. What I remembered was that I needed to proceed in a way that most honored myself, because I’m the only one I can count on to do that. He stopped texting, and I found out he had gone on a date with another girl . . . but it didn’t matter, because before that point, I had realized that the waiting wasn’t serving me and that I was going to move on. It still hurt, but I know that I can have, and I deserve so MUCH MORE that someone who is only halfway there.

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing Mary! Honoring yourself is amazing, when you have that one that you can rely on them to fully support you.

  • Just Me

    In this situation, I have agreed to be just friends with a guy but at the same time told him I didn’t know if it was possible for me.Being honest with him about what I wanted was important. In telling him, I actually become stronger and clearer on what I could give to the relationship. Felt like much of the purpose of the relationship was for me to express my feelings more even though there was no guarantee of anything in return so I just kind of let it be what it was meant to be for me.

    • Kavita

      Sooo good that your recognize that you have to do what’s best for you. We women tend to put our feelings on the back-burner but I’m so impressed with you expressing your feelings wholeheartedly!

  • Magui

    Thanks
    After having a coonnection during 3 years! by skype and only 4 times dating with him I still hoped he would be interested some day in a a serious relationship because I liked him (he is an airline pilot) but finally I realized that I deserved more .and my time is very value to recieve so few from him, I have just decided to stop to contact with him , it wasnt easy I miss this connectionand I fell friustration but Im in my 5o s and Im a spiritual and lovely woman I think that Im worth a serious relationship. Sorry my writting Im from Southamerica

    • Kavita

      HI Magui in beautiful South America! Thank you for sharing with us. You definitely are worth and deserve a serious, loving relationship.

  • Angel

    I too, am in a very similar situation. He is still married and chooses not to walk away, afraid that she will do horrible things to destroy his life as revenge. We’ve broken up, recently, but he still wants us to be friends.He wants us to still keep talking everyday the way we do and seeing each other when it’s convenient for him (as it has been this whole time). I understand he is lonely, but what about me? He doesn’t understand how lonely I feel knowing I am in a relationship with someone who isn’t fully “With” me. He doesn’t understand how hurtful it is for me to continue to meet his needs, but not have mine met. I truly feel, that he is the love of my life. I see myself with him. I see a hard road ahead, but I’m willing to deal with his divorce. Why won’t he see that? Why doesn’t he see what a great relationship he has with me?

    • Kavita

      Hi Angel! You need to ask yourself a couple things, What ABOUT you? What do YOU want? Right now it is all about him. If he never leaves his wife will you be content only have him part-time? To him your relationship is great, he is getting everything he wants without sacrifice. What are you getting and what do you need to hear from him?

  • designmom

    My situation is a little different, but the concept is similar. I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months who I feel like is my soul mate (and I’ve never even been convinced of that term before him). He is very open about his feelings and we’ve talked about a serious future together on numerous occasions. We live about 3 hours away from each other so we don’t see each other much. He’s a musician, and so am I and we’ve even talked about singing together. The only issue is, he isn’t comfortable being very open with our relationship and doesn’t want me to come to his shows in his home town. He swears it’s not because of any other women, but he can’t pinpoint as to why he feels this way. He’s been to my town and has met my family and friends, and all has gone great, but I have yet to meet his family or friends because he isn’t ready for it.

    • Kavita

      HI Designmom,
      How do you feel about him doing this? Have you expressed that exact sentiment to him? If you express your truth around it and let him know that you needs an honest answer why, even if he’s afraid it might hurt you, you’ll be okay.
      Then you need to take in his response as truth. At that point you can make a conscious choice whether to be okay with his answer or not to.

      • Laughing Eagle

        I believe there are no hard-and-fast recipes for relationships. I would generally agree that walking away makes sense most of the time in such a situation – especially if the man is married. I met my twin flame. This was after being alone and celibate for 8 yrs in a row and a total of 28 years of my adult life. This kind of connection doesn’t come along every lifetime, let alone “every day”. It is intense and requires a lot of self evaluation and growth. He’s a bit freaked out and is taking it real slow. We’re living together but not being sexual. He wants to make sure this is “for keeps” before diving in. It’s a very unusual relationship. We love each other deeply and are definitely not open to dating anyone else. We want to see where things go and meanwhile, are living in gratitude for having found one another. I hope this relationship will become a marriage, but if it doesn’t, I will have no regrets for having shared part of this lifetime with this amazing soul.

        • Kavita

          I Love that “living in gratitude” so up-lifting. I wish you both the best in love!

  • KLynn

    All too often I see friends, myself included think if he can just see how great I am and really feel how we connect blah blah blah, this is just true dream weaver-oh but I can change his mind….NOT, its call listen the 1st time and you won’t get hurt in the long run and protect yourself. They say they’re NOT ready or DON’T want a relationship. Listen up sista and LOVE yourself. NO and DON’T came from the source sooooooooooo, tell him great & I understand but this is what I am looking for, maybe call me when you’re ready and see if I’m still available….HA that’s all I’m saying we have the POWER to self protect and our destiny. Don’t waste valuable time on someone who isn’t in the same space & place. Its just simple truth like he told you.

    • Kavita

      🙂 Thank you for your insight. It’s true, we need to listen to what they are actually saying. We get confused with the “actions speak louder then words” but in this case his words are true.

  • Valtressa

    just over a 1.5 years ago, i walked away from a man that i loved like i never had loved before. the second time we tried to have a relationship, he says to me, “I don’t love you the way you love me.”. I took that to mean we weren’t going to have a relationship. but then the next thing i know, he’s still calling, texting and wants to see me. it took me a couple of weeks before i got the nerve to walk away. i had decided that he wanted me there for him b/c i made him feel good, but he didn’t want to give anything to me. or maybe, he thought b/c i loved him, i’d just be happy i was near him. either way, i decided that i was tired of crying and feeling as if i was being punished. of course ignoring his calls, wasn’t enough. i ended up having to tell him to his face that this wasn’t working out for me and i needed time to myself.

    • Kavita

      So inspired by you walking away and being able to see for yourself that you were giving your all and not receiving. A lot of women have what I call the receivability complex. Where we constantly give and don’t allow ourselves to receive. In the time you take for yourself, take this into account.

  • Nicole Wright

    Hi Kavita,

    Thank you for this article. I recently ended a addictive “situation-ship”. I dated a great guy for six months. We clicked instantly. I met some his family and I thought we were headed to marriage. One day he called me (as I was making him a present) to say that he wanted to end our relationship. He felt we didn’t have enough in common. I was hurt but accepted his decision. We said we be friends. I thought that meant wishing each other happy birthday on Facebook or the occasional text. After 2 months he text me about a Facebook post. Then he starred text me regularly. I realized what was happening told him to stop contacting me so I can move on. This went on for 3 years!! He eventually started a new relationship and was posting all about it. It was then that I read an article that said I didn’t have to be friends with him. It was ok not to be strong enough to watch him with another woman. I finally de-friended him from Facebook and blocked him from calling/texting. My hands shook for 3 days. After a whole it was liberating. I no longer expected to hear from him. A couple of months went by and he inboxed me. I called him, informed him that he was blocked and told him why. When I realized that I missed his birthday by two weeks I knew I was finally free! .

    • Kavita

      A love that “situation-ship”? LOL. It is very true. You don’t have to be friends with him, especially since in most situation-ships, you were never friends to begin with. So happy that this liberated you and you were able to have some closure.

      • Linda

        Hi Kavita
        I have been with this guy for 4 months. He has a 1 year old child and claims he is no longer with the mother of the child. I also have a son. He used to invite to his place and I refused coz I was so bitter at men so prefered him coming to me not me going there. He does come to see me every weekend at least.
        Now the prob is 3 weeks ago I told him we could not go on coz he didnt seem serious about me. I have not met his friends or relatives, and he does not talk about our future or any plans of tomorrow. He told me I could walk away because he does not want to rush in another marriage or commitment since he had been in a terrible relationship with his baby mama so he said he wants to take his time now.
        One week later he contacted me and he said he missed me,he will let me go, wants me to give him a chance and leave matters in his hand. He said I am a wifery material and his mum is always nagging him on when he will settle down. He said I must give the relationship 6 months to grow and that he wants to get married one day but does no want to be told what to do. We spent the the next weekend together. He was more caring and loving than before and we had an awesome time. But still I am want more Kavita. I want some kind of introducuctions. Am I being forward or realistic?

        • Kavita

          Hi Linda, You are putting a lot of emphasis on meeting his friends and relatives as an indication of his commitment. Looking at your relationships with relatives or men, who in your life made you feel left out of parts of their life?

          • Linda

            Its him who is making me fell left out, Kavita I am so afraid what if he is still with the mother of the child? In our culture a man will not make you meet his parents or family if he is married or is in a serious relationship with someone else ( unless he is a psycho) At lease if I meet his relatives I will feel that the other woman is no longer in picture. I dont want to put my efforts in vain.

  • thaichell

    I too am divorced, but I knew I would find love again, only I was also going to be more careful with my choices. I will admit I have high standards for men when it comes to character so it’s been 3 years since my divorce and I haven’t had a relationship. Well I met someone awesome who checked off so many of my boxes. He was honest that he didn’t want a relationship since he wasn’t ready for one and I was honest that I was looking for one. We went through a roller coaster of being just friends and being more than friends. He has unresolved issues with his ex and his mind is confused as to what he really wants and needs. He told me he couldn’t emotionally give me what I needed, then proceeded to hold me and talk it out. When he began talking to his ex again, I had to walk away. I know that needs to happen for them to either decide to make it work or have closure, but it doesn’t make me feel better.

    Now what in the world do I do with my heart?! My head says move on and find someone else. My heart says to be patient and wait because he does want what I want in the future, just not right now. I’ve dated others and continually compare them to him which tells me I’m not ready to be dating. How do I quiet my heart? How did he even get close to my heart in only 3 weeks? I haven’t cried yet and I’m wondering if I’m hurt and need to go cry it out in order to heal. Am I angry at God for dropping someone awesome in my life only for him to not be mine? I don’t want to blame God for the choices I/we make, I’m just saying since I believe that God has my best interest at heart, why tease me which a connection that deep? :-/

  • Jovan B.

    Totally can relate to this. A guy at work is giving me mixed signals and rationally I know that if he really wanted to be with me – he would be with me. But he keeps reeling me in! I mean it doesn’t go anywhere but I try to operate from that place of it isn’t going to happen but I just can’t seem to let go. Drives me nuts. Maybe with practice now that I’ve read this article I can move along…

  • Miss_Kitka

    My guy is giving me mixed signals in a different way. I’m having a long-distance relationship with him (he’s in CA, I’m in AZ and am trying to move there again as I used to live there) but see him usually once a month (there’s a 12 yr. age difference too, he’s 31, I’m 43). We’ve been dating for 7 months now. Firstly, he is from another country (and yes his visa is an issue, but he knows I won’t marry him for a green card and he doesn’t bring it up at this point other then to say let’s just keep getting to know each other) and I’m not sure what the custom is there, but within 2 weeks of seeing him he claimed I was his girlfriend. He said that to me verbally.

    When I was at his place in April (we started seeing each other the end of Jan.) he went to take a shower and he told me I could use his computer. He had FB up and a girl’s message came through and I noticed he had been sending her pics of himself (shirtless not naked), some of the same he sent to me. I never said anything bc I figured I just started seeing him and I felt weird I saw it on his computer so it felt like I was snooping though I wasn’t. It popped up.

    He used to hold my hand in public, put his arm around me and insist on it to my happy surprise. Now when we’re together he doesn’t do that anymore. He was hot and heavy with sexting and sending me pics, asking for pics etc. for about 5 months then about 2-3 months ago I told him I felt like that’s all we were doing was sexting and I want a connected relationship. So he went to the extreme in the other direction and stopped it altogether.

    He hardly ever calls and usually always texts, though he’s been calling more since I made a point of saying I don’t like only texting. I just get a feeling like he’s pulled back from me, yet he texts me consistently every morning and night. I feel like he’s talking to girls behind my back but he’s introduced me to his parents and friends and when I see him he always asks me to go to events with his friends with him. It’s usually always his idea to post the pics of us on FB too, though we only have 2 of us up. In the beginning he told me he was falling for me, he loved me. He’s only said it twice in the whole time we’ve been together and doesn’t say those things to me anymore. He acts much more casual and less passionately intense towards me. He’s not as gung ho and assertive about wanting to make sure I know how he feels. And when we get off the phone there’s none of that. It’s just ok bye, no I love you. It feels so impersonal and cold. And I know guys can be less emotional but I would expect something better then “Kisses honey bye” or just simply “bye” which is what is usually is after 7 months.

    Today I asked him why he doesn’t get sexual with me anymore and he claimed it’s bc I told him he was sexting too much. Then he said I guess I have to find a balance. When I tell him I miss him, I miss laying down with him and holding and kissing him he nonchalantly will say “I know honey but we’ll see each other soon”. Not I miss you too and want to kiss you or anything emotional when he used to be. He was towards me more then I was towards him in the beginning. I just feel like he’s not connected to me anymore, yet he keeps contacting me everyday and I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. I did tell him something felt off and that his behavior towards me has changed and he assured me he was still attracted to me physically, but then he switched the subject by saying “I don’t mean to switch the subject” but he did. What do I do Kavita? Am I overreacting? I do like this man, but I don’t know exactly what’s going on as I’ve given him an out twice if it’s not working for him, yet he doesn’t go. I’ve done the pullback myself, worked on myself etc. It’s like nothing changes it. Please tell me what your opinion is on this as I’d love to know and don’t want to lose time in a dead end relationship or one where I’m being played.

    Thank you for all you do for women as I really appreciate all your work and compassion. You are a gift! 🙂

    • Kavita

      HI Kitka, What is your relationship with your parents? This will help me understand where the lack of trust is coming from.
      There seems to be a lot of push and pull on both ends. You are also giving him mixed signals. You asked him to stop sexting and being overly sexual, but when he pulls back physically, to give you what you want, you want it back. This is just as confusing for him as it is for you and it can be tiring. You do need to speak to him about the FB incident to get clear for yourself.

  • Nina

    Hello again,
    Yet another post that is spot on with my Springtime “situation”
    My guy wasn’t married, but was younger, figuring out life, said he really liked me but wasn’t quite romantic towards me, enjoyed our friendship, even though he wanted to move in together, get a pair of dogs that were sisters (1 for each of us), open a business together, traveling to places just the 2 of us…so much! But when talk came up about being together romantically or having a family one day, he would get really low energy. I’m realizing he wasn’t into that stuff yet…or at least not with me. He could be so loving at times, then so distant. “ROLLER COASTER” personified! I’d LOVE to talk to you Kavita! Thanks for the site/posts/videos 😀

    • Toni Germany Deaderick

      I have read some of the discussion, the stories, and replies remind me to take care of me. I found myself involved with a young India man and I am black who liked my company but who eventually said he enjoyed dating around. It’s been been three months now and we’re both walking away from the relationship. It just can’t be about sex with me, I am a risk to the world he’s built and he doesn’t want to be that guy to me. After not dating for over a year, then dating and not enjoying the men here he comes intelligent, fun, attractive, a good chemistry between us and all the garbage that two different cultures begin to the table. I will be discipline and I will empower myself to let go. This life isn’t easy and I ask for so much.

  • Carolina

    I feel like this post really connects with me but I’m the one who is actually dating someone without being able to commit. I ended a deep and serious relationship early this year and am not over this man. When I started dating this current guy, he knew that I was struggling with many things about my past relationship. He was very patient and wanted something more that I cannot give. Recently, I realized that this is not fair to him as he has developed real feelings for me. I let him know how I feel and that my heart belongs to someone else. He became very angry at the fact that I was talking (via text) to my ex as I was searching for some answers about my past. He called me many things including dishonest. All I was trying to do is BE honest but he perceived it as the opposite. Anyhow, I learned that I cannot date anyone until I resolve my past as I do not want to hurt someone because of my uncertainty.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Carolina,
      So happy you reached out and were able to get vulnerable with us and with your love. You did an amazing job on getting clear for yourself. This means you’re going to have to have a conversation with your ex, so you can get a clear answer on where you stand. You’ve already made such great progress, let us know what happens.

  • 2bxplrd

    Hi Kavita I am 44 and had not dated and was celibate for 8 years because I felt I should not put onto a guy what I was dealing with in my life because it is just a matter of when I will need a heart transplant. I didn’t want to cause hurt or pain to someone new. My friends told me that the right man would accept me for me and encouraged me to start dating. So I finally decided to meet this guy that had been pursuing me online for about a year in Jan of this year. We were instantly attracted to each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We have been having an on and off relationship for almost 9 months. He is 51 and on paper he is a “great guy” a gentleman that actually knows how to date a woman opening doors, pulling out the chair, loving, supportive, spiritual, a good job, talks about wanting a relationship that leads to marriage, etc… Everything seemed great except behind closed doors he has these extremely high expectations that he puts onto a woman that no one could obtain. He wants a woman that comes in his door and automatically acts like a wife cleaning, cooking, constantly focused on nothing but him. He has been verbally and physically abusive when I don’t say or do exactly as he expects and we end up at a stand off because I feel he’s being abusive, controlling, and narcissistic. It seems to be all about him what he wants and needs to the point that he tells me that I am the one with issues because “I don’t love him the way he wants to be loved”. To me it seemed like he was trying to change me and when I wasn’t conforming to how he wanted me to be then I would be dismissed. After a few days then he would call and say how much he loves and misses me and woos me back to him. Kavita I have had some experiences in my life that I worked hard to overcome. I am a survivor of an abusive childhood, an abusive marriage that I ended 22 years ago, I have had more than enough experiences of abuse to be able to see it when it shows up. I kept thinking that sometimes we are placed in someones life to help them overcome an issue but I also know that they have to want to get help to change how they are. I struggle with knowing that we love each other but I know that he has unresolved issues from his childhood that has caused him to be unable to have healthy relationships with women. Which reflects with his abusive controlling ways that he refuses to own. He had dated or been involved with 5 other women during the year before we finally met face to face. He told me that a part of him resents the fact that I did not meet him when he first contacted me because he would not have met the previous 5 women. He claims that each of us that he has dated are the ones that are broken and he’s tired of trying to fix us. I never saw myself as someone that need to be fixed. I know that I am a strong, confident woman and that I deserve a man that accepts me for me the way that I accept him for him. Marsha

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      HI Marsha,
      I need you to know and believe that you deserve more then just to survive. You need to break the pattern. Your friends are right and gave you good advice. The right man will accept all of you. He won’t try to “fix” you.
      Ask yourself why when you describe him as a great guy you had to put it in quotes. You know he is not right for you, but until you do the work to trust your intuition and believe you deserve more, the pattern will repeat. But you deserve more.
      Are you watching the FREE Video Series I have right now? I share this series to help you start unblocking these patterns so you can have Soul Level Love You can sign up here: SoulLevelLove.com
      Get into action with the lovework in each video and leave a comment or question.
      I’ll look for you over on the video comments.

    • Marguerite Tennier

      you say “he has been verbally and physically abusive” – that’s not something to accept – that man is toxic –

      • 2bxplrd

        Thanks for your comment Marguerite. I did finally leave him. I had to realize that he was not going to change. He is abusive and obviously does not respect women. I had to make a decision as to what was best for me and the stress he was putting me under was not it. I will be starting evaluation to get on the heart transplant list and I need to be as stress free as possible. Marsha

  • Elle Horne

    Hi Kavita, I am 44, my friend of 30-plus years is 42. He’s always been the “iceberg” type. Very deep thinker, keeping in more than he talks about. We recently ran into each other with and have talked every day for four months. He’s really sweet, still very handsome, and it wasn’t long before my childhood crush on him came back to the surface. I expressed how I felt, and I got the usual, “I am not ready”, so I accepted that, and stuck to friendship despite my feelings. He’s been amazing help to me and my family. He has some health issues and no real family around, so I help him from time to time.

    He was divorced early last year. My family began noticing that he was attracted to me, but I really couldn’t tell because he’s so secretive with what’s really going on with him. He’s been through a lot and is seeing a counselor to work through his divorce, etc. Even ,my daughter noticed his behavior. He wouldn’t trust me at first, but I notice now that he trusts me with a lot of his life, but still I sense there’s more underneath. He invites me over, we watch movies, talk, and recently he made dinner.

    A few weeks ago, as I was preparing to leave his house, he kissed me. Nothing huge, just a peck on the lips. I noticed that now, it’s becoming a regular thing. But other than that and hug, it doesn’t go any further.

    I have expressed that I am holding back on my feelings, because he could hurt me and he gets very upset. He wants me to trust him, but a few months ago, this was the guy that didn’t want a relationship remember? My friends have suggested everything from give it time, to ask him where it’s going. I am very, very affectionate. When I try to go for a more intimate kiss, or touch him, he shies away. In some recent conversation, he said sex was overrated, but on our way to run some errands the other day, if I am not mistaken he was clearly flirting in a sexual manner.

    If he doesn’t hear from me, he will call and ask why. He demands to know after we have been out, if I have gotten home all right. He’s let me feed him from my plate, gotten jealous over a favor I did for a really handsome friend of mine and is super protective when other men are showing interest.

    Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the affection I do get. He’s intelligent, funny, sweet, sexy, handsome and just amazing. I am happy to have him back in my life after nearly three decades. I have accused by my family in the past of “running men off” because I was dealing with a very serious situation and I didn’t notice that the a friend at the time was interested. But, is this mixed signals or something else? It’s confusing. Sometimes I can see the affection in his eyes. Other times he’s very quiet and withdrawn. I have been in so many bad relationships (and so has he),that I just don’t know how to read this situation at all and I am usually very good at reading people.

    Is this mixed signals? Or what? I am extremely confused and unsure what to do next. He’s clearly not used to a woman that’s supportive and trustworthy. But am I helping him to move forward for the next woman, am I just someone to.pass the time or is this going somewhere and I am just too jaded to see it?

  • Andrea

    I am in a similar situation. I was dating a man on and off for a little over a year and things weren’t progressing, in fact he would pull away and sabotage the relationship in some way and disappear for days to months. He would get so close and then pull away or start an argument. One day I was tired of this hot and cold behavior and I asked him “what is it you want from me?” and he said after a 24 hour silence that he “wanted to be friends, is the intimacy too much” I told him I was looking for something serious and wished him the best. I wanted to scream and blame, but I did my best to keep my dignity and just walk away. This was in February. I cut off contact and have never once initiated contact with him. I unfriended him from social media. I just want to move on. Over the past months he has PERSISTENTLY tried to be my friend, to the point where I believe he loves me, but can’t bring himself to be vulnerable and commit due to this commitment fears (when we meant his girlfriend of 5 years had just broken ups with him). He’ll use any excuse to contact me to ‘say hi’ or he once said he was watching a movie that we had gone to see together and told me he forgot how stupid it was (there is no way he forgot how stupid it was, because it was the worse movie ever), or he bought this item and knew I had one and how did I like it. Every time I have told him that I can’t be his friend because I’m looking for a serious relationship and he wants a causal relationship and that hurts me too much to do this friendship thing. He ignores my messages when I say that. The last I heard from him was 3 weeks ago when he tried to re-friend me on social media and I had to text him for the 4th time to tell him that I had specifically de-friended him so that I could move on because we wanted different things and that I cared for him, but I had to take care of me now. No response from him. And so that was the last I heard from him. It breaks my heart because I care for him so much, but don’t want to be held hostage to hoping that he picks me if I were his friend. The worse part is I still hope he picks me even though I’ve ended contact with him, so I’m not so sure not beings friends with him is much better. I guess at least if I’m not his friend I don’t have to know if he is dating others and have daily reminders of how he hasn’t committed to me and try to strategize how to get him to commit. Although I did see he is on a dating website and he says on his page that he wants a relationship, but I know that he won’t be able to commit to others either. Please tell me what you think. Am I doing the right thing by telling him I don’t want to be friends? And how do I let him go now that we aren’t friends or dating?