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Am I blocking myself from finding true love?

I absolutely love this episode of KavitaTV with my guest Sofia.

Do you ever get confused about whether you should be open to the universe delivering love to you in its own time or if you should be super active in your search by going on a bunch of dates because he HAS to show up at some point?

When it feels like neither one of those strategies are working, you kind of just sit there wondering: Am I just getting in my own way somehow when it comes to finding the right man?

That’s exactly what Sofia, a beautiful, self-made, 45-year old single woman wanted to know when she sat down next to me. 

Click here to tune in and see her breakthrough to help you get your own.

Had this feeling that something is Blocking love? Tell me below in the comments how you felt after watching this coaching session.

Thanks so much for watching this episode of KavitaTV!

In Love,
Kavita

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  • http://msjennapark.blogspot.com Jenna

    Hi Sofia and Kavita! Thanks so much for this episode!

    Sofia, you’re so beautiful. It’s hard for me too to be vulnerable and show my silly side from time to time but watching you feeling the vulnerability as you went on, i just saw pure love !!

    and Kavita, I’m a new subbie but your emails always come thru at a divine timing *wink wink* Love to you both

    • Kavita

      Thanks for sharing Jenna!

  • shital

    ver helpful coz i think i am going through something just like this….the bar et is too high due to my expectations !!!

    • Kavita

      So happy you were able to receive the message for yourself Shital

  • Leah

    Your conversation with Sophia completely hits home for me. The pieces around setting the bar so high that I have become numb, vulnerability and connecting with the subconscious are so powerful. Thank you!

    • Kavita

      Awesome Leah!

  • Allison

    Very interesting. My parents married as teens and divorced almost at their 25th wedding anniversary mark. So I always “assumed” I knew how it was for them. The moment Sofia got emotional about talking to her mother, I felt myself stop breathing. The thought of asking my parents to be that open with me stopped me in my tracks! I think for me the bar was too low – I think I have my next step. Thank you!

    • Kavita

      So amazing Allison, please let us know how it goes!

  • Karen

    Thanks for that segment! I’m in the exact same situation as Sophia, and I talked to my parents about their relationship when they started out. Both responded with the basic ideas that they had dated a few people before, but nothing felt right and easy until they met each other. My mom said she met my dad a few months after her father passed away so she believes the timing was part of it. My dad didn’t really express problems other than financial and my mom basically said it was good too. She mentioned some financial problems and her mother n law being a real issue. It was really great talking to them and getting stories, to be able to see them as real people, not just my parents. But now I ask … What’s the next step after speaking to your parents?

    • Kavita

      Karen, congratulations on taking those steps. It’s not a simple 1,2,3 step process. There is so much more to it. Make sure to take my 14 days to trusting yourself in love challenge. I’m releasing it this week!!!

  • http://rm-harrison.com/rmtruth RM

    Thanks for sharing, Sofia + Kavita! The idea of setting the bar too high was mind-blowing to me. I’d love to see/hear what “lowering the bar” looks and feels like for Sofia — to just be open, shine her love light, but not grasp tightly to the outcomes. Will you do a “where are they now” segment??

    • Kavita

      Thanks for the feedback RM. We may have to do that!

  • Judy

    I can relate to the search for the perfect relationship. Although in my case, my parent’s relationship was so unhealthy, I first of all had no role model and secondly, decided my marriage would be SO much better. That translated into a fairytale ideal that caused me to turn away men who might’ve been a great match for me. I finally let go and decided to trust. I met a man who seemed nothing like my ideal and gave him a chance and now we’re deeply involved and in love. He still has his “flaws” but then, don’t we all?

    • Kavita

      Thanks for sharing Judy. We ALL do have flaws.

  • Ali

    I liked the session and I go back and forth as well. But my parents’ marriage was not a positive one and my standards were incredibly low for my first marriage. I’ve been divorced for nine years and I do know I’ve been my own worst enemy. I think Sofia is really going to be able to lower the bar!

    • Kavita

      But what about you Ali? What steps are you going to take for you?

  • Andrea

    While I can identify with Sofia on vacillating between two extremes, my parents didn’t have a good relationship….lots of communication issues and they eventually divorced when I was 20 (I’m 36). I’ve had some conversations, but my dad is much easier to talk to. My mom doesn’t like to go there and gets very emotional even though I tend to take the “it is what it is” approach when discussing sensitive topics.

    I think I set the bar too low in past relationships because I witnessed my parents’ unhealthy marriage and have a fantasy about marriage that I guess I get from love songs and romantic comedies. I also used to put up with a lot of crap from men…making excuses because nothing was ever officially declared as an exclusive relationship. My biggest challenge in love is falling for a guy and getting stuck on him when he disappears, but quick to forgive when he reappears. And Kavita it probably won’t surprise you when I tell you that my dad wasn’t present for my birth and we weren’t that close until after college….yet I have always loved him dearly.

    thanks!

    • Kavita

      Well Andrea, you have just laid it out. You have hope which isn’t a bad thing. You expect relationships to start out not so great but evolve into a great relationship like the one you have with your father. Do you see that?

  • Kate

    Thank you for this! I have a close relationship with both of my parents, who have been married 40 years. They are each fulfilling the role they played in childhood, my Dad as the oldest sibling/ caretaker and my Mom as the dependent younger sibling who never stood on her own. She driled being independent into my head so that I wouldn’t NEED a man, but after watching the video I think that all of this has made me set the bar too high as well. I’m realizing that out of fear of failure, I am looking for perfection and missing opportunities that could be good enough. Thank you for the insight!

    • Kavita

      That’s amazing that you were able to come to that realization Kate!

  • Nimi

    Thanks kavita and Sofia . I am going through the same situation . Sometimes I can’t even breath and feeling suffocation. As you said in this video , talk to the parents about their relationship . How do I do that ? . My parents passed away . Sometimes I do ask my mom and dad why did you leave me in this world and not able to find the love ? .. I still feel that they are with me and protect me . I thankful for everything in my life except relationship and love. I am getting hurt or meet the wrong person. I am having fear that gonna live my rest of my life alone

    Take care
    Nimi

    • Kavita

      HI Nimi, You can talk to the people/relatives who knew your parents when they were involved. You can also speak to anyone who was present during your formative years 5-11. Does that help you get started?

  • Denise

    Hi ladies!
    OMG!!! All I can say is that I totally related to Sofia in every way (even with most of the ladies on this blog). It was like I watching a video of myself. I was beginning to think there was no hope in my love life.
    While I watched this video, I began to feel the exact way Sofia felt…vulnerable. I started to tear up and then Sofia got emotional; water works all the way. ☺️
    I have that high bar, high expectation, romantic, fantasy love in my head. I’ve seen my parents go through highs and lows; I can see their love to this day.
    I’m going to speak to them and work on lowering my “bar.”
    Thank you Sofia…thank you Kavita!

    • Kavita

      Thank you Denise!!!

  • Aarti

    For me, I feel my block is like a safety shield. I’ve been hurt by guys enough to feel like I can trust guys. It’s been a tough journey but I realize I’m accountable for my choices and my wall. I’m just scared to let any guy in. So, in a nutshell I find it hard to be vulnerable. I’m a private person. I don’t like showing my emotions. I don’t know how to open up to a guy.

    • Kavita

      Hi Aarti, in order to have a man be willing to be open to you, you have to be willing to be vulnerable. Speak to your parents and loved ones and see where this fear/block is coming from.

  • Leslie

    Sofia, you are beautiful and so brave to ask the hard questions and be so open and vulnerable. Your story resonates with me. I too assolate between working hard on dating and then stopping and working on me. Kavita hit home when she said you were hiding and not really putting yourself out there. I’m a single mom, was raised by my father and the evil step mother. My mom left when I was young to focus on herself(she is bipolar and had a hard time dealing with life). My father was there but not really there. We developed a relationship when I was in my 20 after I “ran away” from the unhappy household I lived in as a child. I took your test and found I am a fixer, which is me to a T. My dad has since remarried and has a wonderful relationship. My grandparents had a long marriage of love but I am aware of all the flaws in these relationships that I put on a pedistal. In my relationships when I was younger my bar was set very low. And now as I’ve gotten older my bar is set impossibly high. But ultimately I feel that I am not truly open to a relationship even when I say I am or think I am. Thank you for this segment it gave me a lot to think about and a lot of work to do letting down my guard to let the love light shine.

    • Kavita

      Leslie, this is a great start for you. Keep up the exploration and stay curious through the process!

  • Leslie

    Watching this also made me realize that I need to have that deeper conversation with my mom about her dating, pre-marriage relationship with my dad. I’ve been told by her that they didn’t really “date”—he was just there and asked her to marry him. I’ve always felt that she was trying to escape her father’s house—running away from her dad as opposed to running toward my dad. Maybe I’ve always seen that as the exact opposite of what I want for myself. I want to run toward my future husband. But I also see some parallels in that I attract unavailable men and I run toward them only to my peril. I *know* that has to do with my lack of relationship with my late father. And I’ve only recently stopped doing that. I’ve become better at reading men quicker and stopping myself from escaping my singleness. Deep breath, gotta plunge in with mom…

    • Kavita

      Leslie, having this conversation with your mom will open up so much for you. Just stay curious like a child in the conversation and be open to what she’s sharing with you. Keep going until you feel a shift.

  • Kimberly Jimmison

    I totally enjoyed this video and makes so much sense. My issue is that I don’t have a relationship with my biological dad he becaume a drug addict and physically abusive and we rarely talk now but I was around him when I was younger. My mom and stepfather been married for 28years; so do I relate my childhood/relationship to my biological father or step-dad? What’s really instore for my love life if I had no respect or relationship with my biological father. I know this is really a sad situation

    • Kavita

      HI Kimberly, If your step-father was there during your formative years (0-11) then speak to him. You can also speak to your mom about your dad and any relatives from his side of the family that knew him well. It’s not always cut a dry 🙂 we have so many versions of family.

  • Jovan B.

    Even tho my story is different than hers, I related to the being open part where she was uncomfortable thinking about talking to her mom about it. I’m the same way. We’re just not close like that and I know it is a sore subject for her as well. Interesting tho!

    • Kavita

      Thanks Jovan!

  • Morrie L

    I related to this woman in such a big way.Kudos to her for being so open and vulnerable.As she was speaking,I kept thinking wow,I do that,wow that’s me. I have the same fears of not knowing if Im putting myself out there enough or if I should let it happen “naturally”.My parents had such a deep love for one another and I crave that.Im 32 n I also have this fear of what if it doesn’t happen for me.Meanwhile my friends keep saying you’re young and you have time n you’re single with no kids you should enjoy that.With my last relationship and the back and forth over so many years and giving so much love and of myself and ending im a bit jaded.Hopefully I will learn from that experience and this video and stop setting the bar so high and not give up on love.And finally get over my ex.The lady in the video is so sweet and beautiful,I hope she finds true,lasting soul level love.Love your site Kavita.Id love to talk with u.I think you can help me over my love hurdle

    • Kavita

      Thank you Morrie!!!

  • Angel

    In my past, being told I have a high bar, I have lowered my bar, allowed myself to be vulnerable, and as a result have been hurt. The question for me now is, how do we know how low to set that bar…….in bringing it down and letting people in who seem decent, we may bring it too far down, be too trusting, be too giving, and be too vulnerable at our expense.

    • Kavita

      HI Angel, being vulnerable doesn’t mean lowering your standards and letting everyone in. Have you done the lovework with your parents? Being able to get vulnerable with our family and with our selves is how you are going to start showing up more vulnerable with men.

  • kathy farmer

    I have been looking for 7 years and find it hard to even think of a relationship. Men dont even approach me, They avoid me. I go to the bar a still set alone I do all the things to put myself out there and I get nothing but men who think sex is all there is. I have given up on finding someone. I know everyone says just wait for it but I am 43 and why waste energy if all I get is men who avoid me and I mean every man from work to stores to bars even convicts n drug addicts avoid me.

    • Kavita

      Hi Kathy, Don’t give up!!! If you need to take a break and that feels right for you then please do that, but don’t give up. As I said to Angel before you, have you done the lovework with your parents? Sometimes its hard to see how we are showing up with men and how we are blocking ourselves until we do the work. Take action!

  • Chandraka Sankar

    Ok so I must say I understand and can relate to this video. However, I actual have heard that my standards are too high and have lowered the bar and open myself up to be vulnerable to men that didn’t necessarily deserve that or me and my time. I am 37 turning 38 in December and I just came out of a very tumultuous relationship recently. We were together for a year and I really thought he would’ve been the one I would get married to and have children with as I have none. I feel like I am running out of time and all of my time and energies have been wasted on the wrong men that I keep attracting. I am beginning to give up, lose all hope and deal with my reality of being alone. I am at a huge lost and don’t know what else to do.

    Respectfully,
    Sugar

    • Kavita

      Hi Sugar, have you read my post last week? Please don’t lose hope, check it out here http://kavitajpatel.com/?p=4029
      You are worthy of Soul Level Love. There will be work involved but you are worthy.

  • Lateasha Chantae

    Well, i can relate that there is something holding me back from finding love. And its not just me but my sister as well. I asked my mom a couple weeks ago why is it that both her daughters are having a hard time right finding a decent guy that we like.

    But i am having the toughest time because i was in a relationship. I met a guy in school in 2004. When my divorce was final of June 2005, we became an official couple. We did everything together and for the first time i had finally met a guy who understood me. We were best friends, partners in crime, you name it. But there was one thing, we fought all the time; about almost everything. We were so much alike that we repelled each other, sorta like magnets. There was no balance. Positive/Negative, Yin/Yang. We bumped heads all the time. We stayed together for about 5 years and in 2010, broke up but remained in each other lives. I think that was a big mistake for me. We stayed in each other lives until we recently in 2014 cut all ties with one another. And it was my doing because even in the last moments he still was asking if he could call or text once in a while to check on me. I told him that i didn’t think that was a good idea. I hadn’t had any real good luck with meeting anyone else that i feel comfortable enough to open myself up to. I had a long term relationship that bombed because the guy wasn’t my type and he knew that and it was just not for me. That lasted 9 months. I have gotten to the point now where im thinking that its not meant for me to have love anymore. Im 37 years old and my idea of love is portrayed in Korean Dramas. Oh i have to mention that im an introvert so i don’t get out much. So ive isolated myself indoors and every chance i get im watching Korean dramas and im thinking that’s what real love suppose to be. I mean at least to a certain degree. I think im looking for something that i can’t get here.

    • Kavita

      HI LC, Like Sugar, you too are worthy of love. I want you also to read last weeks blog: http://kavitajpatel.com/?p=4029
      You are worthy of Soul Level Love. There will be work involved but you are definitely worthy.

  • alicia

    Hi kavita I didn’t hear you go into her relationship with her mother as you said you would – that would have been interesting to me. Also I understand the bit about too high a bar as being self protective but from the comments below it looks like some of your audience are confused about what is normal to accept and what isn’t maybe help them out with that xx

  • Tyler Pope

    Once again another great clip. My feelings were opposite though. My parents fought all the time so I didn’t want to be in a relationship because I didn’t want to be fighting with someone all the time. No “bar set high” here 🙂 but I now understand why there is a block

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Thank you for sharing, Tyler.

  • Trina Martin

    Hi Kavita,
    This was obviously filmed a few months ago. Just wondering how Sofia is doing? Did she have the conversation with her parents? Can you do a follow up?
    I can relate to setting the bar high. My parents have been married for 42 years and have a great relationship. They still really like being around each other! I am so proud of that. However, I am 34, and single, and have never had a long lasting relationship or been in love. Its only been in recent months that I feel like I really want love. I mean I have always wanted it, but now I really feel it.. with every fibre of my being, that I want it. I want connection and to share my life with someone. I have been watching some of your videos and reading your blogs, and love what you are doing. Thank you, and thank you to Sofia for being so brave to share this with us. Would love to know how she is doing! Thank you xo

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Trina – I’m sorry I missed this comment! I know that Sofia did have the conversation with her parents, but we do need to follow up and see where she’s at today. More to come! Also, thank you thank you for being in my world. It is beautiful that your parents are still together and doing well. Do you feel that you may set the bar high for relationships based on what you see your parents have?

      • Trina Martin

        Hi Kavita, thank you for your message! So nice to hear from you! Yes I think I have set the bar high based on my parents relationship. I am currently seeing a guy who is from another country. He has been working here for a while and his contract is due to end, although he has been offered a permanent contract here as well. However, he also has been asked to apply for a job back in his home country where his family is. It has been great, and I have really enjoyed his company. He has been under a lot of pressure to make this decision. I also have felt some stress around it, but felt I couldn’t share that with him as I didn’t want to put more pressure on him when we aren’t having a relationship. Its totally out of my control! I just want him to be happy! I know if he leaves I will be ok. Anyway any thoughts? advice? help for this situation would be greatly appreciated!

        • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

          Trina – it’s beautiful that you want to give him space and support him in whatever decision he makes. But what about how you are feeling? If he were to leave, is there something you would regret not saying? Express what’s in your heart – lots of possibilities open up when we can operate more and more from this space.

          • Trina Martin

            Hi Kavita, Thanks for your message.
            After I read your message I thought about what I would like to say to him. And then without really thinking I sent him a message. Probably not the best way to communicate. But he is on the other side of the world right now, and I cant talk to him. He hasn’t responded, and now I feel a bit anxious about it. But trying to just be kind to myself.

          • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

            Hi Trina. How is this going? Sending a message is perfectly fine. And also know, sometimes no response is also a response. That is okay. What is important is that you have expressed yourself so you can then choose to take in his response and move forward. And yes, alway always do your best to be kind to yourself.

          • Trina Martin

            Hi Kavita,
            Thank you for your message. As it turns out he is going to stay in my home country. When I told him that I was really happy he was staying, and that I liked him, he didn’t respond, and I haven’t heard from him since. So I guess you can say its not going! It hurt a lot, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. Except move on. Why is it that I need him to tell me he isn’t interested instead of seeing his no response as a way of saying he isn’t interested. I still have this hope that maybe he will contact me.. but I’m kidding myself right?!

  • Zara Seewonder

    I resonated with this. The biggest thing with anything is being attached to someone once I start getting feelings for them. That’s where I go crazy.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Thank you Zara. YES! You’re not alone. What do you go crazy about?

      • Zara Seewonder

        Well I start to think about them all the time like a crush. I don’t show signs of desperation or neediness because I don’t need them, but I think about the guy way too much. Right now I just got over a guy who I was crushing on for 2 months and I am glad that I did.

        • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

          Zara, why is it bad to think about a guy a lot? What if I told you it was okay? 🙂

  • Cynthia

    Thank you for this, Kavita. I’ve had the same oscillation, but for the opposite reasons. My parents had HUGE problems, which made me subconsciously set the bar low, because I didn’t think I was good enough for man to want to shoot for a high one with me. This has made my relationships with men very short lived. So basically, I’m reversing the advice you’ve given Sophia: instead of fixating on the imperfections of their relationship, I’m honouring the positives. My mom and dad have many positive qualities that they’ve brought to their relationship. In spite of their extreme difficulties, they’re still together. That they never divorced perhaps does indicate positives I’d been ignoring. By identifying and focusing on these, I’m hoping this will help me reprogram my subconscious, and finding long-term love for myself won’t seem so out of reach. Thanks for the clarity!

  • Sara Daniel

    I got so much out of it in regards to going back and checking in to see what my parents relationship was , however both parents are deceased so what can I do now ???