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Why do I attract unavailable men?

This week I am sharing an amazing KavitaTV episode I had with my guest, Rikka. She came to me with a question that so many smart, successful, and beautiful women have:

No matter what I do, why do I seem to attract unavailable men?

Rikka got SUPER vulnerable with me and shared her story. She had been with a man for a very long time who she loved and trusted. She found out just before Christmas (through a friend) that he had a double life. A successful businessman himself, her boyfriend had a wife in another country.

But this wasn’t an isolated incident for Rikki and as with many smart women, you can get into a pattern of choosing men who aren’t able to fully commit and are even married.

Click the video below to watch this episode of KavitaTV and hear my answer to what Love Block is causing Rikka to attract in unavailable men like her ex.

If you have a friend who has been cheated on or seems to have a habit of dating men that string them along, I’d love it if you shared this episode with them. They just might get something powerful out of it.

Thank you so much for watching. I am so grateful that you let me in to be a part of your love journey each week.

Make sure to leave me a comment below and let me know what connections you see in your own life by watching Rikka’s break through.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Runita

    Hi Kavita!

    I have a Similar issue as to what Rikka has been going through with the men in her life! Yeah and I know that I’ve always wanted to be different from my mom as she would also allow my dad to make all the decisions! But in my situation I cant speak to my mom about her marriage neither can I speak to my dad as they are both late! So what do you suggest I do to get a better perspective on their marriage?

    Runita

    • Kavita

      Hi Runita, Do you have any other relattives, uncle aunties, siblings or close family friends that you can speak to about your parents relationship with each other?

  • Phylliss

    Kavita,
    Thank you for your unique insight. Rikka, thank you for your beautiful vulnerability.
    Unavailable men is also a pattern of mine, which I then often exchange for overly available men who would gladly have me take responsibility for their lives rather than maturely take that responsibility themselves. I now have insight into my perceptions of my parents relationship. I hope that I will also have a dramatic ‘paradigm shift’.

    Thank you

    • Kavita

      So great Phyliss, keep us posted on your progress.

  • Shanta Langford

    Hi Kavitha,
    I want to start by saying how much I commend you on continually sharing your story and assisting women with loving and nurturing themselves while they search for love. There have been a few videos that have shed light on several issues and I’ve been able to gain more insight into my own behavior. However, I feel in alot of instances in your coaching and love work exercises, you have not addressed those women who don’t have the opportunity to speak to their parents. Either thru abandonment or death it is impossible to ask those questions. And please forgive me for appearing a little angry but I’m still dealing with the grief of losing my mother a few years ago and although my father was completely absent from my life , he too is now deceased. Fortunately for me I had a very close and open relationship with my mom so I was able to piece together so many of my own choices and struggles with men. But as you know we are always learning and growing so there will just be some answers to questions that will remain a mystery. And sometimes it’s not as simple as asking your parents, relatives or siblings the why or how’s. Sometimes it will literally be just you … and hopefully your memory, spirituality or dare I say, therapy.
    I think you should perhaps put a caveat at the end of your coaching for those of us who have lost our parents but still want to experience those “aha” moments and continue to do the work and find the love we deserve.
    Regards,
    Shanta

    • Kavita

      HI Shanta, Thank you for getting vulnerable with us. In my programs we get really in depth into all the different areas to get to the root of each woman’s love blocks. Connecting the dots of where your love blocks are is just the beginning. These videos are just to get you thinking, they are beginning to get you focused and on track. How does that feel for you?

  • Leti

    I realized not only that the things I like least about my mom are being replicated in my own life, but also gained an idea for how I might change them. Thank you!

    • Kavita

      That’s amazing Leti! Thank you for sharing.

  • Kimberly

    Thank you for your topics Kavita. I am in a quandry with something that I know better about. I am an intelligent woman of 46. Not gullable by any means. I too have a problem with being with emotionally unavailable men. My one true vice, the man that was my first love over thirty years ago. About eleven years ago he had come to my home to tell me that he wanted to be with me for life. Unfortunately I was in a relationship at the time that didn’t last long. To make a long story short, he got married to an older woman and has been married for nine years. Oneday he tells our daughter that he still loves me and is in love with me. All I could say was “wow” because I too am still in love with him. We speak almost everyday on the phone and it is so difficult for us to leave each other alone. After over thirty years of loving each other we do want to be together. His marriage has been rocky for years and is coming to an end. They have no kids together. Him and I are parents and grandparents together. We had agreedbthat we will not criss the line of being sexual together but oneday a kiss lead to us having sex…that made matters worse because we really want to be together but he is not even divorced. We are like two in love teenagers who still get butterflies when we see each other. We are so in love and don’t know what to do anymore. He has discussed divorce with his wife but she always changes the subject. He. doesn’t know how to approach the situation without them arguing. So until he gets the balls to divorce her or stay with her, he will continue to be depressed about his life. Do you have any suggestions as to how I should handle this situation without being “the other woman”? We want our family to be together

    • Elaine

      Although you may have not been physical with him you are in fact the other woman. If another woman had the same relationship you had with your husband hypothetically you would be upset.He has been having marital problems for years because he has been emotionally unavailable in his marriage for years to the point where he tells a child he’s in love with another woman other than his wife. This not intended as an attack my purpose is only to say women need to stick together and respect each other a lit bit more. And have watched my dad’s infidelity and I can’t trust men but it’s women who allow this to happen.
      I too have been dating unavailable men in fact I relate to this video almost verbatim. The guy I dated was 53 years old, 19 years my senior traveled for business and was till this day secretly having inappropriate perhaps non sexual relationships with. .friends. I became too much of a hassle and he just told me he was out of town although he was in town. I found out and he just walked and never contacted me again. I realize that it does have something to do with my parents relationship but that’s never been a conversation we can have. Our family is a no sir yes ma’am spoke when spoken to sit at the kid’s table don’t talk back kinda place. Not sure how I could even ask even respectfully with good intention.

      • Kavita

        HI Elaine, in regards to how you grew up not being able to express and connect with your parents, this can sometimes affect how you show up with men. I don’t have the whole story and I would need so much more to come to a conclusion but if you’ve never communicated openly with your loved ones then how would you be expected to know how to do it. And so you will also feel comfortable around unemotional people. How does that feel hearing this?

  • Meglena

    I have simmilar experiesn as Rikka. I am attracting emotionaly unavalable man. From my ex, who left me while I was pregnat , to go with anither woman to this day (8 years after the divorece)I am still attract This type of man. Luckaly I lurned to recognize the patter and leave before I get to ivolved. Same as Rikka my father makes the desicion, but my mother always fought back. If she didnt like it she would start an argument and it would easily escalte into big fights, and sometimes would even get physical. I remeber hateing my mother for that. I wanted her to agree, so they wont fight. I was scared of the fights and was praying not to get physical. I wantted her to understand him more and go along, insted of fighting with him. Now that I have become adult , i lime the fact tat she wasnt scard at all, and was standing up for herself, even if she knew she would get hurt. I dont see how this is translating into my life.I want to find love again and to have love relationship but it just doesnt work for me.

    • Kavita

      Hi Meglena, I can take from what you wrote that when a difficult situation comes up in a relationship, or the man asks you something you don’t agree with that you will usually agree or go along with what they want so that you will not end up in a fight. We see where this fear comes from. I want you to ask your mother 2 questions. 1. Ask her about her childhood ow she was raised and what she thought of her parents relationship. And 2 ask her if she loved your father and what she loved about him. Let me know how that goes.

  • Lasweet

    I watched this and decided to talk to my mom, since I have also attracted emotionally unavailable types. I came out of this conversation and I realized that my mom married my father for stability and did love him initially, however my dad was a musician and often my mom was left alone with me, while he was out late, playing in bands, and sometimes my mother and I not knowing where he was at all. I think I looked down on this growing up and have often been afraid of commitment because for me, ironically it means abandonment. In other words, marriage would mean being with someone who would always do their own thing and leave me worrying about where they were. So my pattern has been to test men for the “one” and create excuses as to why they don’t measure up. Mostly, I am afraid to really identify my clear needs and desires and therefore feel more comfort in being alone, even though I want love so badly it hurts. Thanks for giving me some tools to see this real block. I want to be able to really find and trust someone to be a partner, but see there are some real blocks I have created. thanks again, lasweet

    • Kavita

      So amazing Lasweet that you were able to identify your blocks. That is just the first step in the process, please be patient with your self as you embark on this journey.

  • Jacquelyn

    Kavita,

    My mom, whom I love dearly, have always had tension (anger) around what I perceived as her acting like a victim. In fact, I would say the fear of not becoming “like her” has been a driving force my entire life. As a young woman, I couldn’t imagine getting married until I knew I could take care of myself. For such a long time I thought this was me being independent, a good thing, a source of pride and strength. After all, I saw my mom struggle to take care of three kids after divorcing my dad. Now I see my pursuit for independence was just avoidance. I don’t replicate my moms behavior, I rebel. I make sure my voice is heard and I stay in control. More like my dads behavior. However, underneath it all, I know it’s fear based because I have felt it. I’ve literally had moments where I need to run away out of fear, and have. Something in me is triggered and I get a sudden sense that I am in danger, hence the attraction to unavailable men. They allow me to stay in control and safe, but I’m never truly satisfied either. It’s a double edged sword. Afterwards, I beat myself up for being such a coward. I’m a very loving and giving person. As much as I logically want and know I deserve a close affectionate relationship, it’s like my emotions betray me each and every time. I convince myself going in that I can handle any outcome. I profess confidence and pretend not to be effected when my needs aren’t met. I’m sure this comes across as guarded, cold, manipulative, controlling, and needy. I’m ultra sensitive to anything resembling someone telling me what to do. My wish for myself is the next time I have those fears come up, I won’t run. I will recognize I don’t have to be the victim. I not only have a voice in having my needs met, I have a responsibility to myself and my partner. If the man in front of me is incapable of meeting them, that does not make me a victim, it just makes him the wrong man. I also wish to find love and compassion towards my mom for being vulnerable herself. Maybe if I see and “accept” this as part of who I am, I will find greater acceptance in who she is. Thank you…thank you.

    • Kavita

      Hi Jacquelyn, We tend to look at our parents and try to pick and choose the traits we pick up from them, but it doesn’t always work out the way we wanted to. In trying so hard to be the opposite of your mom, you are fighting internally something that is natural to you. So you are right in that you will have to embrace what is your nature. Having conversations like the one I instructed Rikka to have will help you get a better understanding of your mother and also allow you to embrace that side of yourself.

  • Monica

    In my family it was the exact opposite. My mom was the dominant one that did everything from disciplining to taking care of finances. I feel like because of this, I’ve become a control freak in life and in relationships

    • Kavita

      HI Monica, do you feel you are very much like your mother?

      • Monica

        I don’t actually! Her and I are like night and day. She requires a lot of attention, she’s very proper, conservative, likes to do girly things and we have little in common. The only thing I really feel I inherited from her is her independence and feeling of wanting to be in control

        • Kavita

          Ok great Monica, thanks for responding. I understand. We are all actually both our parents whether we like it or not. Ask yourself what it is that is driving you to control. What would life be like if you let someone else take the reigns.
          In terms of your father or men do you feel they are not capable. These are some of the things that may be affecting you. Take a long look.

  • Danielle

    I can relate to and see where I believe in understanding men or anyone in my life for that matter a lot from watching this video. I feel like if I want to help someone then I need to be extra understanding devoted sweet and thoughtful while loosing myself and other friends in this fixing mission I take on. Even loose focus on hobbies, goals, healing, self care to “help them grow or change” witch i don’t know exactly why I desire that but I think like Kavita mentioned because its letting what persist continue on in my life experience because i resit something I don’t fully understand between my parents. Something in my experience, not liking things in my upbringing, I know I definitely I don’t want to be like either of my parents and I think they don’t want that for me either I don’t think so. I did some asking about why my mother is the way she became in her life and it so far has been a lot of reasons and really shocking but interesting. Also how each of her 4 siblings all saw the same home environment in abundantly differing views. When I can stop trying to hide or not becoming like my parents because empathy and understanding has been shed on their life’s differently and more clearly and process it all that I can stop resitting and that will help me bring that into my life because of drawing it in from constant focus of not wanting it in my life. I really dont get this part fully but excited non the less to take the journey there. Thank you for sharing and posting your story its very important and helpful.

  • Josh

    What happens if you don’t talk to your Mom on that level? What if the questions will be embarrassing for her? Such as, WHY did you cheat on our Dad?