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Here’s why you are attracting the bad boy …

Ah, the bad boys.

It can feel like something mysteriously attractive about them since what seems like the beginning of time.

Connection with them is off the charts, but talk of commitment makes them super uncomfortable.

And that super nice guy who is ready to plan the dates, get married, talk about kids? No chemistry there at all.

Have you ever experienced this?

In this weeks LIVE Coaching episode of KavitaTV, my guest Leila is tired and frustrated with falling for the bad boys and actually even being a little turned off by the nice guys.

Click below to tune in. You will see Leila was a little resistant to what I had to say to her.

My short answer is, YES, you can you have both the excitement AND the stability with a man. But you’ll have to tune in to this episode to watch us get to the heart of what’s going on for Leila.

Then let me know over in the comments about your own experiences with this and what connections you made for yourself.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Arwen Nour

    What Leila describes here rings some bells for me too, or more like a giant gong…and I am having this same “stuff” on my plate at the moment, good timing 🙂
    Thank you for your authentic and workable advice, I love what you do, Kavita.
    When thinking about integrating this approach, I was wondering, if you think that a relationship to a parent that is severely dysfunctional is healthy or not?
    Leilas case might be workable, but I think sometimes the relationship to your parents can be so toxic and abusive, that connecting simply would be destructive. I sometimes think that breaking up with a parent can actually be more healthy for the simple purpose of self-preservation or survival. Would love to hear your thoughts on this and thank you again for your amazing work, X Arwen

    • Kavita

      Arwen, I understand that some relationships are very challenging and difficult, but it’s important to be grateful that you are here because of your parents – regardless of how they treated you. We each come into this world and are taught how to treat other people. When you can get to a place of understanding of why they act that way, it gives you more compassion for them and yourself.

  • Robin Sistad

    “I don’t know what it feels like to be taken care of ” this statement from Leila resonates with me. It is hard to let someone nurture me..but something i will work on. Thanks so much for sharing this video with us.

    • Kavita

      Robin, so glad you connected with what Leila shared and that you will let more people nurture you!

  • Emma

    I realised that I was carrying the ‘weight’ of my Mums pain. That I have felt responsible for her pain, like some how is my job to fix it. Her hurt, and to hang around until she doesn’t ‘need’ me anymore.
    I have had various love relationships with women, some quite literally where going into them I have had the quiet thought, ‘I can’t do this, i can’t carry the weight of this.’ And shortly after I will leave the relationship.

    But the hurt, guilt in my heart has felt unresolved.

    • Kavita

      Emma, that is so common for us to feel responsibility for our parents hurt. If you can reach out to your mum, share with her that you felt you needed to take on her pain and ask her if that is true. Start by sharing where this is coming from (that you watched this video and you see patterns in your love life), and why it’s important to you to hear the truth (so you can find a partner instead of feeling the need to carry the other person’s pain).

  • Shay Lee

    I can definitely relate to Leila’s story. My parents weren’t together for my whole entire life. They split when I was just a baby and I had to deal with the effects of their dead relationship. I didn’t have my father around often and I always felt this disconnect from him. I do believe I had to learn how to be my own parent, which is something I’m still dealing with.

    • Kavita

      Shay, it’s so common to have divorced parents, but you need to see you were created out of love. They did love each other at some point in order for you to be born. Can you feel that?

  • Gina

    Every young woman could benefit from this video.

    • Kavita

      Thank you, Gina!

  • Dawne Eng

    I can also relate to Leila’s story. I have a difficult relationship with my mom also and also distrust letting her into my life in a significant way because I’m afraid she’ll just let me down again. Which is definitely a similar pattern in my love life, and so hoping by working on that with my mom, that I’ll also start to create space in my life for the kind of man that I’ll be able to have the kind of relationship I desire. And yes! To letting others nurture as as well – other family, and friends, and strangers!! Great episode.

    • Kavita

      Dawne, this is a great share! So glad you can see the connection between your mom and the patterns in your love life. Keep up the work and know that you can shift it to get what you want!

  • Holly Cooper

    I’ve come to realize that it makes me uncomfortable to be nurtured and cared for- much of my life has been me taking care of my parents in one way or another once I turned 12 onward. I’m going to look into this more. :]

    • Kavita

      Holly, this is wonderful. Keep communicating with your parents if you can and stay open to whatever they need to share.

  • julie

    I really enjoyed this, thank you! I could relate to the comment about being afraid of being taken care of because of not knowing what it’s like. It is helpful to be reminded of this as I’ve been wondering the same thing as Leila. Thank you both for sharing.

    • Kavita

      Julie, thanks for your comment! You can have the same shift in your love life as Leila if you do the work, too.

  • Lori

    I also relate to Leila’s story, only I feel mine is a bit less likely to be helped. My mother has tried suicide attempts when I didnt give her enough attention. Through a recovery process I am undertaking, I too was instructed to just let go of mothering her, and tell her I wanted to be able to come to her with some feelings now and then. She agreed, and our conversations were mostly all about her and what she likes, until eventually, she began becoming a bit emotionally available.
    One day I called her with some feelings about how I felt a lack of support regarding my marriage, and suddenly she became so upset, she said through my sister, that she never wants me to call her again. I feel I can never therefore again. So I don’t know what to do from here.
    Also my father was not present much. My first memory was of them fighting, and when I met the one man I felt I loved, all I ever did was fight with him; and we have literally spent 10 yrs on a relationship that never took of, because he had to step back to avoid my confrontational ways.
    Recently things have shifted and I feel loving and tender toward a man and would like to settle down. But if it depends on my being able to connect with my mom, I dont know if I can again.
    thank you for reading. I welcome any feedback. Hugs

    • Kavita

      Lori, thank you for sharing that difficult past. One thing that is important to understand is that through this work we don’t want to blame our parents for what has happened in our love life. They act how they know how and what we learn from them is a lot of times unconscious behavior. You can keep trying with your mom in a different way by asking her for the support you need instead of blaming her for not giving you what she might not have known you needed. Do you see the difference? That allows both of you to come from a more open place rather than a defensive place.

  • Beke

    ‘I don’t know what it feels like to be taken care of’ is the massive lesson here for me – I have always been the care giver, from a very early age. Both of my parents are not very good at care giving. As a result I am fiercely independent, I have been blessed with two very challenging children, one with massive anxiety issues and the other has Cerebral Palsy and associated issues. I really would love to share my life with the right man, but as it was explained – there is no room. I recently became attracted to the most gorgeous man – he is aware of all of the difficulties with my children, I can see a huge amount of compassion in him, but I highly doubt anything will ever come of it. I am devastated.

    • Kavita

      Beke, thank you for sharing that. It sounds like you are being given a chance to really help your children in a way that you feel your parents weren’t able to help you. A way to let this man in is to start asking your parents and him for more support and letting them help you in ways they know how. Sometimes the way people take care of us can be different than what we expect, but by seeing how they do things as their way of taking care of us begins to show us how much love we already have in our life.

  • Heidi

    Amazing – I’m not sure if this touched me so much because it rang a bell for me – but it was one of my favourite Kavita tv episode – and I love watching them. Getting vulnerable with people is a huge problem for me – I guess that is what the nugget is for me.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Thank you Heidi!

  • Nimi

    I can relate myself to liela ‘s situation. I go through with guys excatly like her. But, i dont have parents and they passed away long time ago. Kavita, please help me out how can i avoid meeting the wrong guys in my life?. I am really frustrasted with dating. I try to be positive and strong as much as possible but sometimes i give up. It is really hard to find honest and trust worthy men in this world . I really appreciate if you can help me out with your advice.

    Thanks
    Nimi

  • Sara

    Wow. So many eye openers here. I have often felt like I have had to parent both my parents. For some time I worked in child care and have many friendships and more intimate relationships where I have felt I had to take care of the other person in some way. Right now I am dealing with a friend who is a compulsive liar and the distrust that her lying has created and I am realizing all my relationships all related to the tone of my relationship with my Mom.

    You know how you can love any number of people and it doesn’t diminish your capacity to love? I feel like I just realized that when I have negative emotional ties to someone it diminishes my ability to love them as well others. I have an endless capacity to love people but negative emotions can take over and leave room for very little else.

  • Andrea Chapman

    First of all, Kavita’s top or dress is gorgeous but I definitely resonate with Leila 🙂 The only thing was that my parents have been in my life and they are still married but I still felt what Leila felt. Definitely feeling resentment after not setting boundaries and taking care of them, not myself.

    • Kavita

      Thank you Andrea!

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Thank you thank you Andrea! You are so not alone

  • Kelly

    Both of my parents where nurturing and supportive and are still married. I expected to have a relationship like theirs but that never happened. Prior to my last relationship men had never taken care of me or loved me in the way I thought they should. I often ended up in abusive relationships. My last guy did however and it didn’t feel right, I didn’t feel like I deserved someone to care for me like that even though I wanted it. I was not fully attracted to him and I bailed because I couldn’t give him the kind of relationship he was looking for. It’s been 7 yrs since that relationship and I have not been able to let anyone else in. This video she’d some light on my fear or discomfort of being taken care of, thank you!

    • Kavita

      So amazing that we were able to help you see that Kelly. Congrats!

  • Lee

    I can totally relate to Leila as well! My mom and dad divorced when I was little and we went with my mom. My dad was military and so mom wouldn’t let us go see him out of fear of him “kidnapping us”! I wanted my dad but I later resented him for not fighting for us! My mom struggled financially and at 15, I got a job and became what felt like the other parent! Because with my new job while being a teenager came adult responsibility, bills, financial support, and provider to my baby sister! So within our relationship has been a power struggle between us but with role reversals! I am the logical, responsible adult and she is the temper tantrum throwing spoiled child! I can see where my relationships suffer because of this and my anger/ resentment with taking care of everyone and no one taking care of me!

    • Kavita

      I am so glad you can relate to Leila, Lee. Thank you for sharing.

  • Danielle

    I can relate and am starting to notice my similarities although the situation is somewhat differing but to the things Leila went through. My house was hostile growing up, lots of screaming, hitting, breaking up getting back together, cheating on each other, financial fears. I tried very hard to make our house more livable by doing “everything right”. Being sweet, forgiving, loyal, helpful, polite, giving, nurturing. Whatever it took to make it feel more stable i would do it to the max. Then i would rebel, not talk to anyone and quietly resent and hate on everything and everyone becoming negative and very withdrawn from not just romantic but all connection in life and love. Very sure that it was all pointless. I blamed how hard love is and people are to relate to, how everyone is just takers and I’m their sucker. I’m not sure of all the different facets of this but things are unraveling a little in my mind. Bad boys are easier for me to date because I feel safe. Safer than when someone is in my mind polished, put together, inelegant, and driven. My experience with these great catches is I get scared and run or try to force commitment and marriage on them in an unattractive non confident manor. Doing everything definitely feels safer although in my head I know it exhausts and depresses and build resentment in me deeply but not viscerally not in my being and soul, but soon I hope. I’m really tired of being that version of me and am excited to see what I can do to reveal a bigger depth of understanding and start my healing process on these coping skills that are way to played out to be fun or a part of my life
    anymore..

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Why do you think that bad boys make you feel safe? Why do you think you run from the great catches? Have you check out Soul Level Love yet? http://soullevellove.com/ Let me know what you think?

  • Branka

    This is really great! I can so relate. My parents split when I was young. And I have had to give to them too. My dad’s relationships afterwords were both abusive and power struggles, sometimes involving physical violence. My mum has been alone for 24 years and 11 years ago had a breakdown in which I had to admit her into hospital and she was diagnosed with bipolar. She has been back in hospital am average of once a year. My dad has had lots of children and I am the oldest. Sometimes I have supported him by taking care of them as their mother was not present for them. So effectively I’ve been a mother and the “man” with my parents respectively. I have so much fear and anxiety around relationships. I actually took time out this year from that area. I would appreciate any feedback. Thank you! 🙂

  • Joanna Rodriguez

    This is amazing. I’m crying.