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Should you date a man with kids?

Have you ever been in a relationship with a man who had kids before you got together?

Or maybe totally written a guy off if he had children, without letting him take you on a date?

A man with kids can be unfamiliar territory, and there are plenty of reasons to want to be cautious:

From wanting to have children of your own (and wondering if he’ll want more with you)…

To worrying that his kids will always have priority over your relationship

And maybe even feeling a little uncomfortable with his relationship with their mother – whatever that looks like

This is exactly what this weeks KavitaTV guest, Sofia was experiencing. She wanted to know, “Should I date a man with kids?”

Together, we got to the root of what was keeping Sofia closed off to men with kids.

She had experiences in past relationships that made her feel like the man’s children took priority over her – but at the 15:20 mark we discover what was happening internally for her to create this pattern.

I know this is something you can relate to.

So check out this weeks episode of KavitaTV and let me know in the comments if you can relate or what your experiences dating men with kids has been.

I read them all!

P.S. You may recognize Sofia from an earlier episode of KavitaTV, where we talked about how she wasn’t sure if she should keep putting herself out there or just give dating a rest. So much has changed for her since that filming (She even went through my Soul Level Love program). Sofia has done such amazing work and I’m so proud of her – I couldn’t wait to help her shift THIS pattern for good. Check out the episode here.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Jl

    Very meaningful. I’ve started to ask or what I need only to be told I’m being clingy or controlling. It feels very liberating to ask. Was in a long committed relationship. I’ve Said to Boyfriend that to be my best I need hear the voice each day of the man I love. He’s a texter so found this difficult. I’ve also ask that our plans be made with conversation and not texts cause plans have gotten way messed up with texts. This crashed as well. He felt I was being controlling by asking for this. So in next relationship I’m still hesitant to ask for what I need.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Jl. Thank you for sharing! When you are clear on what you desire in love and communicate it, you will filter through the men who aren’t right for you faster. Don’t hesitate to communicate what you need!

  • ayesha

    This was a great video. I have been in the situation described dating a man with children whose ex was still calling the shots, and I also swore off dating men with children as a result, partly because a married friend of mine was very unsupportive and accused me of becoming involved when I knew he was already involved with someone else (which wasn’t the case at all!), so not only did I assume such a situation was impossible to handle, I was also worried about the perceptions of the rest of society that I was a “home-wrecker”. The issues that Sofia was dealing with are also relevant to me, I felt I was second place to my father’s job and I felt that I didn’t get affection at all at home, I was just getting good grades or doing my chores as I should and was pretty much ignored. Asking my parents for what I would like however seems like a very daunting step to take as my mother says that it is me who does not want to be affectionate. Perhaps I will have to take such a step though as I have been single for a long time now and this might be the answer.
    Good luck to Sofia though, she seems happier and more confident than she was before and she is beaming 🙂

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Thanks for your reply Ayesha! I am so happy that you were able to take some nuggets from Sofia’s situation and see how you may be able to apply to your own life. There is definitely something more there around your relationship with your parents. What would you like to express to them?

  • Amy

    I enjoyed this video along with all the other Kavita clips!! I can identify with this conversation, I was an older child in a very large family and often found and just accepted that my needs weren’t met (mostly emotional). I’m 43 and my relationships have all reflected this. My last relationship I felt incredibly taken for granted, and it took a while, but I expressed m feelings and he basically flaked out. How I interpret this video is that if we have this unmet need we need to adress it and then we won’t look to SO to meet that need? I still want to find someone who doesn’t take me for granted.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      I’m glad you enjoyed, Amy! You can absolutely have what you desire in love and a man who shows up and treats you as a partner. Expressing your feelings is a way of getting clear on who is right for you. What do you feel like is keeping you stuck? You are in the right place!! Sending you love

      • Amy

        Thank you for responding Kavita!! I really don’t know what’s keeping me stuck. I have been trying to figure it out, but I always find myself in failed relationships. I know I’m the common denominator, and I seriously think I’m a very easy person to get along with… I really do want a great partnership, but I know there are some fears about commitment as well. I just don’t know why!!

  • Nally Friend

    Dear Kavita, Whenever I try to tell my mom how I feel in the way you described in this video, I get a very negative response and the conversation always becomes about her and not me. And it is always along the lines of….. “after all I’ve done for you…. you are ungrateful…” then it becomes a victim story about her. I think she has some personality issues with both thinking everything is about her but at the same time having low self-esteem, so any suggestion to improve anything in my life with respect to her, always turns into an argument and her feeling a victim. In the end it reinforces how I feel…… “that I’m never heard. I’m not important, my views are not important, and most of all how I feel is not important.” Do you have any suggestions?

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Nally. So amazing that you have begun these conversations with your mom. Have you tried letting her know WHY it is important for your life that she answers these questions? Saying something like “I’m noticing that I’m stuck in my love life in this way, and I think having an open and honest conversation about a question I have would be really helpful for me”. It’s important to let parents know the WHY behind what you’re asking, so they know it is to help you. Let me know how it goes.

  • Vicky D.

    This is so close to home, and I can relate to the feeling of being taken for granted, not noticed, because I also grew up being the “good girl”. Now I’ve been seeing a man who has kids for several years, and a lot of time it is great, but I feel like a spare wheel when the kids are around. A few years ago we were away on holidays with his kids and things got really bad – all the travel and packing was stressful and I didn’t enjoy having to play the role of a responsible parent, especially that he brought the kids without even asking how I would feel about it, on what was supposed to be us going away as a couple with some other adults. I was quite run down at the time and looked forward to a relaxing time out, rather than challenging work. Perhaps I also tend to rebel against demands for playing a role of the “responsible adult”, which I’ve played since childhood. I tried to do my best, but obviously my mood only inspired hostility. I tried to communicate my feeling of being taken for granted, but his response made me feel even worse about myself, like I am too needy and demand 100% of his attention, which he isn’t going to give me. In fact all I wanted was some attention and affection, maybe validation of my feelings, but the situation was already tense for several days, so it seemed like an unreasonable request. Perhaps I need to learn to communicate before emotions escalate, though it’s hard to do when you don’t have a moment of privacy.
    Anyway, there were many unhealed triggers like this over the years.

    I think the difficult part is that he has constant battles with his ex for access to the kids, and this runs his life. At the same time I am always around, happy to see him. A man apparently doesn’t value what comes easily, but I don’t want any games in the relationship, like playing “hard to get”, it’s just something I have a deep aversion to – not being authentic. So I guess I am resigned to never getting appreciated in a relationship.

    Thanks for this insightful interview.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Thank you Vicky, for watching! You are in the right place and because of that I want you to know that you do not have to settle or resign yourself to the idea that you will never have the love you want. You absolutely can. I LOVE that being authentic is so important to you. Keep expressing. Keep your heart open, and explore the site to see if there is more information here that can be helpful for you (I’m sure there is). What is your specific question about this man?

  • http://energysexuality.com Leonard McGill

    Hi Kavita…one thing I usually don’t see in a discussion about married men is how having children tends to deepen a man. Would you rather date a guy in his 30’s who has always been single, or someone who has tried to sail the rough waters of a committed relationship, and, for some reason, the relationship didn’t last. We can’t grown without making mistakes; if a guy is brave enough to commit to a family, and he’s taking that responsibility seriously, I think he deserves a shot. Thanks for another great topic!

    • Kavita

      HI Leonard. So true! Thanks for sharing. 🙂

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      HI Leonard. So true! Thanks for sharing.