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Are you better off just staying single? Why some women think that’s true…

I could (and couldn’t) believe this woman’s comment…

This comment on one of my Facebook posts stirred me up the other day because there were a lot of women who agreed (and liked) it.

Take a look:

I could (and couldn’t) believe this woman's comment...

 

There are 2 parts of this woman’s simple sentence I want to dissect.

Perspective 1: What we dish is what we get

I’ll be sitting at a restaurant in NYC, and there will be a group of women next to me talking about their dates and how men just don’t get it. They’ll say some crazy degrading things, like the kind of comments in the above example.

Yet if men say things like, “Women are too emotional or needy” it really gets to us.

Because we aren’t just emotional. We’re also smart, savvy and really loving. In fact our ability to navigate emotions is something that can really help to open up a man who has been taught to suppress everything.

We often don’t grant men the same respect we desire from them.

Are there men out there who are selfish, unfaithful, and disrespectful? Sure.

But this isn’t EVERY man and they aren’t choosing to be that way. No human being wants to be out of integrity or alignment with themselves.

It’s because they have a past filled with experiences that have hurt them. Just like you and me.

When we think that the majority of men are selfish or immature, we attract more of those kinds of men into our lives to prove that thought is right.

Then we say to ourselves, “See, I was right!”

I did the same thing.

I would man bash by thinking men just don’t know what they’re doing. This thought would circle over and over again in my mind without me even knowing it.  

It impacted my relationship with Hemal. There were days he would come home from work and start to tell me about difficulties he was having with his team.

This is normal right? I did the same to him the days I was frustrated.

However, when he’d open up like this I’d launch right into every way he did something wrong.

“Why did you talk to your team like this? You should have done it this way”

He would then quickly shut down, I’d feel bad, and the moment passed and he didn’t feel like talking about it anymore.

I would then think, “See! He’s shutting down. Another sign he doesn’t know what he’s doing and doesn’t want to see things differently.”

Can you see it? I kept finding evidence of how what I thought about men was right.

Once I identified this pattern, I began to approach conversations like this differently.

Now I say to Hemal, “I get it. That sucks. Just wondering – why did you choose to say this to your team in that way? What was the background to why you decided to take this action?”

The energy of this is curiosity, not testing him to see if he says what I think he should.

I’m supportive and challenging him to see things a little differently, but not trying to pick him apart.

The more you think men are the problem, the more you will see that they are.

To shift this, it’s all about identifying why you’re saying certain negative things about men (whether it is out loud or in your head).

For example, I felt like this because I grew up hearing my Mom say things like this about my Dad. My Mom didn’t even know she was doing this, but I picked up on it as a kid and made it true.

My Mom was using it as a way to protect herself, and just by observing it and making it true I started to do the same.

Which brings me to the second point.

Perspective 2: Protecting your heart will only lead to walls being erected – so no one can break in.

When I see a comment like, “I prefer being single!” I can feel a lot of hurt and pain underneath.  

Now don’t get me wrong, you could really enjoy being single and tell me, “I feel empowered being single!” which is amazing. There’s a lot of truth and excitement underneath that.

But with this Facebook comment (something I hear a lot), you can feel her pain.

Truth is we ALL want to share our life with someone we deeply love, but because we’ve been hurt we shut down our hearts and start to give up.

We say to ourselves, “I don’t think it’s going to happen for me” or “I don’t want to get hurt again!”

When it comes to love, hurt and pain are par for the course.  But so, are feeling ecstasy, passion, and fulfillment.

When we protect ourselves from hurt we also give up the possibility of all that good, juicy stuff too.

Protecting your heart will only leave you living a life without spark and excitement. Tweet it.

It’s so interesting how we deny what we really WANT just to protect ourselves from getting hurt.

I do it too.

So, this week I’m challenging both of us to look inwards at what’s having you PROTECT yourself.

What are your thoughts about men and how are you using those to protect yourself?

Your Lovework is to tell me over in the comments below so I can support you and help you shift into believing that there ARE high-quality men out there for you.

Digging deeper to the core of these thoughts is what I focus on in my signature Soul Level Love program. The next round is starting again soon in October. If you’re interested, reserve your spot on the waitlist HERE.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Lori

    I have recently spent some time with a guy. We had great conversations and I started really looking forward to spending more time with him. The time that I was spending with him was work related. I had originally only looked at it like that. Something changed, I started feeling attracted to him. When the attraction started I backed off, I stayed away more (he has a partner and young children). I really felt like we were developing a connection and I didn’t want to go there because of his situation. I have had this strong urge to be completely honest with him and tell him why I have distanced myself (because I have developed feelings for him and because he is in a committed relationship). I know he was feeling attraction too. I really enjoyed the attention he gave me. Now there is tension between us. I still work for him, but we are both being very distant. I want to clear the air. I just don’t know if telling him that I was developing feelings for him is a good idea. I would really like to be honest, not only to be authentic but to face the fear of doing so.

    • Kavita

      HI Lori, What would you want him to say if you were to share your feelings with him? Do you want him to say he’s feeling it too? Also why do you want to let him know, is this to help you get clear for you?

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      HI Lori, What would you want him to say if you were to share your feelings with him? Do you want him to say he’s feeling it too? Also why do you want to let him know, is this to help you get clear for you?

  • Yoga Girl

    I just had a date 2 nights ago. This man over a 2 week period told me he feels a deep emotional connection with me and that he knew he loved me. Our first date was amazing, flowers in a yoga mat, I love you all night, compliments non stop. I allowed myself to be open, I told him I did not know him enough to say I love you. We had a lot of chemistry and passion….The night was magical….I have not heard from this man at all. As scary as this was for me, I allowed myself to receive and be open…..it was all just a game to him….red flag yes…I love you the first night he meets me….I know….but I tried to believe and have faith, be soft and vulnerable. I was played…

    • Kavita

      HI Yoga girl, so sorry that this happened. Don’t let this incident leave a scar. There are some situations that you can’t predict and you can’t let what he did close you off from the idea of love. True you could see a red flag when he says I love you so soon, but the bigger red flag was that you knew you din’t feel for that for him. Listen and trust your feeling first. It doesn’t matter what he says, it matters how you feel.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      HI Yoga girl, so sorry that this happened. Don’t let this incident leave a scar. There are some situations that you can’t predict and you can’t let what he did close you off from the idea of love. True you could see a red flag when he says I love you so soon, but the bigger red flag was that you knew you din’t feel for that for him. Listen and trust your feeling first. It doesn’t matter what he says, it matters how you feel.

  • Jovan B.

    Thank you for this. This week I was struggling! And still am. I feel like my life is so flippin’ good but there is this ‘yearning’ for a romantic relationship. And it makes me angry that I just can’t be happy with my life the way it is (being single). That is what all the gurus say – be happy with your life as it is blah blah blah. But there’s this part of me that won’t let up! And anyways maybe me not really getting deep and realizing that I do want a relationship is ‘protecting my heart…having walls up’. And I also get mad at guys for not ‘wanting me’. So I got that issue as well. Just a lot of stuff coming up lately and it is overwhelming. Thank you for sharing your insight with us because it really clears so much stuff up for me. I wish I could carry you around in my head day to day. lol <3

    • Kavita

      HI Jovan. Lol @ “carry you around in my head”. I think it’s more important that you hear and learn to trust your own voice. Thank you for sharing. Let Love in!

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      HI Jovan. Lol @ “carry you around in my head”. I think it’s more important that you hear and learn to trust your own voice. Thank you for sharing. Let Love in!

  • Larry

    Hi Kavita,
    I know you wrote this for women, and I would like to share that as a man we can indeed do the same thing. A number of months ago I went through a very painful break-up. Although I have not lost my interest, admiration and appreciation for women, I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to get that close again. The risk of pain is still looming. I notice I look at women differently while this is so. Rather than seeing them for who they are or might be I am gauging how safe they might be to get close to. I am looking for signs of what could go wrong. There is no doubt in my mind that as long as I am in this place the very special woman who can meet and whom I can meet fully will not show up. In the injured parts of me must heal first and that is my inner work. Thank you for your post!

    • Vicki L.

      This is a very healthy response. It’s better to take time (at least a year or two) before jumping into another relationship and then disappointing your partner. I won’t date anyone who is on the rebound for that reason. I am being very careful this time about what I really want and am focusing on compatibility rather than an “exciting” man who makes me feel anxious and insecure. Thanks for posting an explanation for why a man might “disappear” in the beginning if he is having these doubts. Sometimes there is nothing a woman can “do” in these cases to bewitch the man or to “make” him want her; it’s just bad timing. Good luck!

      • Kavita

        Thanks for sharing Vicki.

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing Larry, I love that you shared the male point of view. Men get hurt too. We are all yearn for that Soul Level Love. Take time to heal.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Thank you for sharing Larry, I love that you shared the male point of view. Men get hurt too. We are all yearn for that Soul Level Love. Take time to heal.

  • A

    Hi Kavita – I could relate to the commenter as well as your argument that you get what you look for. (Though I disagree with your argument that you get what you dish out – a different dynamic.) I get a lot of value from your insights – I think you are one of the more helpful “pundits” in the relationship advice world. What gets overlooked in this world and in this post of yours is a collective overview. There is a history of deep disrespect toward women and that manifested in oppression that only recently lifted to a large degree. If you look at men’s magazines they don’t speak respectfully about women – quite the opposite – it is shocking and depressing to look at. The pictures say even more than the words. Women’s magazines and relationship books and so on are usually the opposite in their attitude toward men – if anything they disrespect women – or else they respect both women and men. It’s a political and cultural reality that we can’t just project or imagine away. I do think there are good men out there – a small percentage of them. Until we change things though acknowledging the larger reality. I think the commenter did not dish out what she got. We can keep both things in mind can’t we: the possibilities of finding a good relationship and the very difficult cultural reality we live in?

    • Kavita

      Hi A, Thank you for your feedback. There is a large percentage of good men out there. Most of them you won’t be attracted to and won’t see them, because maybe they aren’t your type, but it doesn’t make them bad men, they just aren’t for you.
      If you go in with the expectation that every man is going to disappoint you, guess what, you’re going to find some way for him to disappoint you. Have you taken my 4 Love Types quiz yet? I would love for you to find your love type and see where you can go from there. You can take the quiz here: http://kavitajpatel.com/lovetype-2/

      In love and positivity,
      Kavita!

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi A, Thank you for your feedback. There is a large percentage of good men out there. Most of them you won’t be attracted to and won’t see them, because maybe they aren’t your type, but it doesn’t make them bad men, they just aren’t for you.
      If you go in with the expectation that every man is going to disappoint you, guess what, you’re going to find some way for him to disappoint you. Have you taken my 4 Love Types quiz yet? I would love for you to find your love type and see where you can go from there. You can take the quiz here: http://kavitajpatel.com/lovetype-2/

  • Delightful5

    It is so amazing how the things that you are saying, is what I am going through. I have been refusing to think as this person. I am content at the moment of getting myself to receive someone who I can share changes in my life with. Keeping busy, while God makes it possible and deliver me from myself. Thank you for your insight and wisdom.

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing Delightful.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Thank you for sharing Delightful.

  • Laura

    After going to soul level love I have changed my perspective on men. I no longer think that all men are cheaters and emotionally unavailable. But I still sometimes wish for an example of what real love looks like. I don’t have a real life example of a loving relationship between a husband and wife. And not being able to experience it through anyone that is close to me, it makes it very hard to internalize it and truly believe it exists. I know of people who seem to have the relationship I dream about, but it’s usually through long distance Facebook acquaintances. I have been able to internalize my worth and realize that I am good enough, that the man that’s good for me will be able to handle me, and that my worth is not dependent on whether a guy chooses me or not. My worth is there regardless of what ANYONE thinks. But I feel this is still a process I am going through. I feel that I have found someone I truly love, and he has proven to be able to handle me, through every craziness I have, but he is still not available for a serious relationship, and sometimes I wonder if he’s capable of loving me as something more than friends, so sometimes I end up wondering if I am better off single like that girl said, because I have realized that this guy is the guy for me, but if he’s not available then I may as well stay alone. Some people tell me that I shouldn’t worry that the right man will come to me. But there is this thing deep down in my soul that tells me, he is THE ONE, and I wonder if mine is one of those stories of people who loved each other all their life and were never able to be together for some weird twist of fate. I don’t know. Sometimes things can get confusing. I hope in the end everything works out.

    • Kavita

      HI Laura, Thank you for sharing. So happy you are seeing the shifts. You are correct it is a process. Are you in a relationship with him or are you single? Right now that doesn’t seem clear. Every though he feels like the one, if he has clearly stated that you cannot be together then you need to make space for someone else. It may just not be the time for him, BUT he may just be preparing you for your Soul Level Love by showing you what you want in love.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      HI Laura, Thank you for sharing. So happy you are seeing the shifts. You are correct it is a process. Are you in a relationship with him or are you single? Right now that doesn’t seem clear. Every though he feels like the one, if he has clearly stated that you cannot be together then you need to make space for someone else. It may just not be the time for him, BUT he may just be preparing you for your Soul Level Love by showing you what you want in love.

  • Andrea

    I don’t prefer being single, but I feel like dating is impossible because my life sucks right now. I try to focus on the positive, rise above my personal and professional setbacks, but some days are just really bad and I have a complete lack of self-confidence. I’m scared to death of putting myself out there and then meeting a really great man, only for him to decide he’s not interested because I don’t have it all together. Seriously, I’m like a car that got stuck in the mud and no matter how hard I try to get out, I keep spinning my wheels and sinking further down. I guess that’s my negative thought: “Quality men would not be into me….they might find me attractive and be interested in casual dating, but not in developing a long-term, committed relationship with me.” So, yes I have erected massive walls all around me to protect myself from being hurt again. And the saddest part is that I’ve been following your work, taking your advice, and participating in these forums for a long time. I shouldn’t feel like there is something wrong with me or I need to fix myself in order to go on a date, but it’s difficult to overcome the negative thoughts and exude confidence with men.

    • Kavita

      HI Andrea, Have you ever sought outside help? It’s more then just reading blogs but actually taking a course. I had to take multiple courses to get to where I am. As women we try to do everything ourselves without asking for help. So happy that you reached out and wrote to me. Getting to the root of what’s holding us back in love isn’t a quick fix and it takes effort.
      In order to make major shifts you have to invest in yourself but first you have to believe and understand that you are worth it.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      HI Andrea, Have you ever sought outside help? It’s more then just reading blogs but actually taking a course. I had to take multiple courses to get to where I am. As women we try to do everything ourselves without asking for help. So happy that you reached out and wrote to me. Getting to the root of what’s holding us back in love isn’t a quick fix and it takes effort.
      In order to make major shifts you have to invest in yourself but first you have to believe and understand that you are worth it.

  • Heidi

    I expect that men are not going to be around for the long haul. Being single, I’m not even expecting them to be around for long. I def have walls and keep them very high up, which makes me wonder why do I bother dating – it’s a total contradiction to want someone in my life and yet to not let them in. But even tho I know I’m doing this, I find it very very hard to open myself up. I feel like most men are initially attracted, but I find it doesn’t last any length of time.

    • Kavita

      HI Heidi! You have to open yourself up in order to receive it. If you want to catch a baseball you’re going to have to open your hand. You can stretch out your arm with the intention to catch the ball but if you keep your hand closed it’s just going to bounce off your knuckles, hit the ground and roll away.
      You must do the work to open your heart and get to the root of what’s stopping you in love, or the same thing is going to keep happening.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      HI Heidi! You have to open yourself up in order to receive it. If you want to catch a baseball you’re going to have to open your hand. You can stretch out your arm with the intention to catch the ball but if you keep your hand closed it’s just going to bounce off your knuckles, hit the ground and roll away.
      You must do the work to open your heart and get to the root of what’s stopping you in love, or the same thing is going to keep happening.

  • Leti

    I tend to think that men are not willing to look for a good woman and pursue her or that true love will not last forever because nearly all of the men in my life who have been the most loving to me have all abandoned me for some reason or other.