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Dating doesn’t have to be so painful

Dating doesn’t have to be so painful

Has this ever happened to you? You meet a man you find hot, smart and sexy – and in an effort to impress, you laugh at his jokes – even when they’re not funny.

You agree with his opinions on topics you don’t know and/or care anything about and you pretend to “be” someone other than who you are.

I remember this one date I went on before I met Hemal. I thought the guy was so hot that I wondered why he wanted to go out with me. I literally said to myself “I am hotter than I think” 🙂

Well, during the date I spent a lot of energy trying to impress him.

I desperately wanted him to think I was funny, smart, witty, loving (basically everything about me that was awesome but times ten), and so I was forcing myself to show up that way.

I was telling stories to show him how cool I was. Bragging about the kind of family I came from. I was acting like I knew what he was talking about when I had no clue. I would laugh at jokes that truth be told – weren’t that funny to me.

The bottom line is that I was performing for him. I wanted to look perfect.

I thought that if I didn’t show him my BEST side in every second, then there was no chance of him liking me and asking me out again.

When the date was over, instead of leaving with an energy gain and good feelings that connecting with others brings – I was filled with worry and insecurity as I analyzed every word I said, wondering if I came across as “good enough” for him. If you’ve been there – you know just how exhausting trying to be “ON” the whole time can be.

Like you, I don’t come across as insecure on the outside. I look like I’ve got it together.

But when I was dating (even with Hemal) I would turn into a mess inside – especially when I thought the guy was hotter AND smarter than me.

When this happens enough times, dating feels like a chore. Like a second job you always have to be on your A-game for. In fact, at times it can be really painful.

So why does this happen?

Well, here’s something most people don’t tell you:

This impulse that we have to want to be perfect to find “perfect” love is a way to manage risk.

It’s a way for us to guard ourselves just enough, so that no man can really get into our hearts.

If you let your guard down and be yourself that means there a possibility that he could pull away, leave you, or not really care for you the way you care for him. And then all you’re left with is hurt and pain.

This is how most of us think: Being Yourself = Being Vulnerable = Hurt Pain.

But this isn’t getting you the results you want. It’s only having you attract in the kinds of men that are unavailable and can’t really see you or get you.

What if you could start to look at your life and see all the old pain and hurt differently?

Often that pain we experienced a long time ago is still playing in our minds, and we’re resisting ever wanting that to happen again.

What if we could see that pain and hurt as we are still here – living, breathing, and better for it?

What if we saw that pain and hurt as compassion for ourselves and others, sharing a human experience – because no one is without hurt or pain in life?

And not seeing it that way just because we’re TRYING to put some positive spin on our life, but in fact we believe it with every fiber of our being.

What kind of connection would we have access to with men, ourselves, and those closest to us if we were okay with falling down and picking ourselves back up?

I will tell you being okay with falling down is what it took for me to have the powerful relationship I have now with my husband. Being okay with getting hurt is what allowed me to reveal all the different parts of MYSELF naturally easily.

Here’s what I’ve learned after my own experiences and helping thousands of women through their own (not to mention asking high-quality men every time I find one):

Men don’t care how “put together” you are. They don’t want to be with a woman that shows up perfectly all the time.

They want a woman that is REAL.

ESPECIALLY the man that is ready for a relationship, confident, and is your match.

Dating doesn’t have to be so hard. In fact, it can be a lot simpler than you think.

I’ll be showing you how to uncomplicate your love life over the next couple of posts in the next week or so.

Your Lovework is to tell me in the comments below, is dating difficult for you? Do you feel like you can be yourself?

I want to know.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Frannie

    Dating is definitely difficult for me. I do feel like I can be myself but there are times when I find myself subconsciously agreeing with things a guy says even if I don’t. I’ve gotten better at it but still need a little work, since it’s something I did for so long it’s hard to shake.

    Something I find really tough about dating is that when I find a guy I’m mentally interested in (personality, character, interests, etc.) I’m not physically into and vice versa. Any advice on finding guys I like in both capacities?

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Frannie, I want you to start judging men by your inspiration meter. Know that what you are ultimately looking for in someone is INSPIRATION. Think about a moment you were inspired and why? Write it down. Then, see if he fits the bill in terms of that kind of inspiration. He may be hot and charming, and gets your libido going, but does he do it for you mentally? He may do it for you mentally but does he do it for you in terms of chemistry? Does this make sense?

      • Frannie

        I’ve never thought of it that way. It seems a little more complex that what you’re mentioning but I’ll have to try writing down times I’m inspired and go from there. I guess I get a little confused trying to relate that kind of inspiration to a man. I also feel confused about chemistry – I used to have a few drinks on dates so that sort of took care of the ‘chemistry’ and now that I don’t I get confused as to whether or not it’s there.

        • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

          Hi Frannie! I want you to watch this episode of Kavita T.V. http://kavitajpatel.com/blog/2015/09/28/compatibility-and-chemistry-choose/

          Let me know what you think.

          • Frannie

            This was awesome & really helpful! I feel like I could have been her up there as I’m in a very similar situation. I’ll talk to my parents and see what I can find out. Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate it!

          • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

            You are so welcome!!

  • Marie

    I´d love to be okay with getting hurt, it feels as powerful relief. I have the belief that I must be perfect, good enough for a guy and this is why I MUST have it together. This makes me feel confused -relationship ready guys want to see “my real me”, with the difficult childhood, hurt from past, fear of new hurt, some bad decisions I made ? I had the experience that the moment I become vulnerable about some “tough life stuff”, the man runs (when I show up I am not perfect). The last man I liked did not ask me out after flirting for a longer period of time. I assumed that the main reason was that I was not that smart, not that accomplished as him. I felt this coming from him (but I still question my intuition whether I don´t confuse it with my assumptions and my projection). I started feeling ashamed of not being good enough socially or financially (me as a total wreck despite my talent, hard work and education), not good enough as he was- mainly because of a chronical disease I fell into and that forced me to quit my job, leave my career behind. I felt ashamed that I will not be able to provide for myself, for the family, that I will need help myself. Who wants to be with such a woman ? I believe that educated, smart, kind men want “accomplished women, with a socially recognised job, money, social contribution” etc, someone like them, and I cannot messure up. Revealing that I am not this woman-potential provider and seeing the man run away for this reason, would hurt.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Marie, Thank you so much for getting so vulnerable. Every woman deserves and will find the man that is right for you. Have you checked out my Soul Level Love program yet? I really believe that you would benefit from it. Check it out soullevellove.com

  • Tyler Pope

    I never thought of it as “managing risk”. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been myself around men because I feel immediately judged so I have to look perfect, have the perfect parents, perfect relationship with my siblings, perfect job… it’s exhausting so I’ve shut down and stopped dating to protect myself from getting hurt. But being alone is really not working either. I connect physical beauty with being in a relationship and that the reason why I’m single because I don’t look perfect. How do I stop putting this pressure on myself to look perfect and be perfect cause it will never happen. It’s hard for me to think a man could go deeper or past just the physical which is why I need to always “look” perfect.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Tyler,
      Your match doesn’t want you showing up perfect. You being yourself will start to weed out the people that aren’t meant for you. I hope this helps, Tyler. You are doing an amazing job!!

  • Tyler Pope

    Thanks Kavita for the support! yes it makes sense I need to soak it in, be present and be myself 🙂