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how one conversation changed everything

This past week I was listening to a Youtube talk by Osho (a deep thinking philosopher).

During the talk, Osho shared something that immediately stirred up a rush of emotions.

He said…

Parents are told to sacrifice for their children. That sacrifice then creates deep down resentment inside of the parents and within the children for having to then listen to how parents have sacrificed for them.

I thought immediately of my Dad and how he needed to hear this.

My Dad and I often talk about life, self growth, and the pursuit of happiness, so I picked up the phone and called him.

After I shared this profound message, his first response was “well that’s not all true”.

I felt myself getting angry because he did not agree with Osho’s statement – one that I had resonated with so deeply – and one that I felt explained experiences with my parents.

My Dad said that for him, raising children came from a place of pure love and it was only when things didn’t go as expected that it felt like a sacrifice.

I was getting angrier and I wasn’t sure why, and I said,

“Dad do you know how many times you have said to me that you came to this country with very little and you have done all of this for me and my brother?”

He said yes, and feeling even more emotional – I asked if he realized how how much pressure this put on us.

“It makes us feel like we owe you everything in our lives,” I nearly shouted.

“That’s not how I meant it,” he calmly responded.

I barely allowed him to finish his sentence and said “I know! But do you get that it doesn’t feel good?”

I was definitely not listening and resisting everything he was saying.

He said, “Kavita yes I do understand what you are saying and I even agree to a degree with Osho. When you have a child there is so much love and you want to do so much for your child out of love, and yes sometimes this love causes you to “sacrifice” some things – but sacrifice isn’t the main feeling. The main feeling is love.”

His words hit me hard.

When I hung up the phone. I was feeling so much.

Tears started streaming down my face.

I threw my head into my hands and cried.

I FELT in that moment how much my Dad loved me.

I mean I logically already knew it, but this conversation and realization of his love hit me at a level I hadn’t hit before.

You see – I believed that in order to be truly loved by my Dad I had to be the perfect daughter who was worth the sacrifice that I thought he felt he made for me.

That idea was creating a barrier to me actually FEELING all the love my parents have for me without any strings attached.

Upon reflection, I realized that the entire conversation with my Dad was me trying to prove to him how much he hurt me and how much he did things wrong.

At the time – in the emotional state I was in – I thought getting him to “admit” to this would make me feel better and validate my own need to be the perfect daughter in some way.

But what happened instead was I allowed my Dad’s truth to come through. And when I allowed myself to feel my Dad’s love on a whole new level – the belief that I needed to be perfect to be loved dissolved.

I felt free.

No strings attached.

Realizing this has me feeling happy and more at peace with myself.

It was a hard but priceless conversation.

Your Lovework this week is to ask yourself if you can FEEL the love of your parents or if you feel you have to show up in a certain way in order to receive their love.

Please share your thoughts and feelings in the comments section below.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Gale

    WOW!! You really are intuitive. I woke up this morning thinking of the intention you gave me yesterday, “I AM being chosen for who I AM.” My ego mind said, “You had to be perfect for mom and dad.” I shook it off and continued saying my intention. Now reading this email, I feel so close to them, even though they are gone now. A flood of memories fill me up with the Love I feel from them now and will continue to carry with me for the rest of my Life. I also feel much closer to you, Kavita (as tears are streaming down my face. I can hardly see the keys to type).

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Gale I’m so sorry it took me so long to respond! That is beautiful!! So proud of you.

  • Irene Valarezo

    I had a siimilar conversation with my father whom I just started a relationship with @ 36, as he left when I was 2.

    He said,

    “If I would have raised you, would would have been a better person. Manners, degree …….”

    And I said you do not like who I am, He shook his head “No!”

  • CYoung

    Hi- this hits home this morning and I wanted to say thank you! I’m having these same conversations with my teenage son. I had these same feelings as a daughter with my mother. You have a perspective that I share but couldn’t verbalize! Thank you again.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      You are so welcome CYoung! It’s so amazing that you are having these conversations with your son.

  • Meera

    Wow, this is interesting. I have felt love from my parents, I felt that it was unconditional love from my Dad (no strings attached).

    My mom used to compare my brother and I to other family friends we had growing up and would say, you and your brother should help more in the kitchen? Why can’t you be more like them? I resented that and felt like it meant that in order to really feel her love, I had to fit into a certain mold.

    Eventually as I got older, I felt intimidated by her. She has strong opinions and can express them at the drop of a hat. I was afraid to share my opinions with her. Therefore, I lost my “voice” and did not think expressing what I had to say was something that she wanted to her. I was afraid that I would somehow disappoint her expectations of me and not be able to live up to them.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Meera! I’m glad you’ve seen these connections. I know you are doing great 🙂

  • Jalpa Dhaduk

    This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing and I can completely relate to this. This def helped me view my parents’ love with a different perspective. Their love for us is shown and projected in different ways, ways that I didn’t always understand. Thank you again.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      You are so welcome Jalpa! I encourage you to talk to your parents more about those ways that maybe felt “wrong” to you!

  • Pam

    Kavita, Great post. I feel like your father. I have expressed to my 22 year old son that I to have made certain “sacrifices”. I accepted that and it comes with the territory of being a single parent (with no contact or input from his father by my choice. The decisions that I made were because I valued my son and wanted to give him the best opportunities. i can attest it is hard being both mother and father! One could say there have been may instincts in which maybe I’ve done disservice to my son. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. Being the one to always make the decisions, it’s sometimes hard to see from another(s) perspective. I continue to be introspective and willing to change and grow. Anyway,
    opening up and communicating with clear intention, and asking questions is what I love about
    your process. It’s hard to be vulnerable. We don’t label or identify our feeling correctly or even know why we feel like we do. I believe you’re on to something and appreciate your candidness and authenticity. I know what you are instructing is geared toward women, I know a few men (including my son) who would benefit from your philosophy. I hope you delve into directing your teachings to the male species also!

    • Pam

      should spell check….may instincts = many instances.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Thank you so much Pam! Know that you can always let your son in on more and open up communication with him too in deeper ways! You are an amazing mom!