BLOG

“I’m great at falling in love, but horrible at picking”

The other day I ran into a friend on the street, it was such a pleasant surprise. He was with a friend of his. My friend introduces me, “Kavita is a coach for love.”

The friend said “nice to meet you”, pauses and then says, “I’m great at falling in love. It’s just that I don’t have the best picker.”

I smiled and said, “I hear that a lot.”

I didn’t have a chance to dig deeper with him, but felt inspired to write to you today about this topic.

Here’s the thing about your picker. It’s NOT picking wrong.

You’re picking experiences and relationships to help you resolve your childhood wounds.

And until you face those memories or feelings from the past, and CHOOSE to see that we have a choice in how you interpreted that moment, you will continue to seek out experiences that give you the opportunity to heal those wounds.

What do I mean by all of this?

Let’s say you met a man you felt a really strong connection with. A connection that almost felt indescribable, as if it was destined.

You notice that he isn’t as open about his life as you’d like him to be, but you let that go because you don’t want to push too hard or scare him by making him answer uncomfortable questions.

You also think that it’s so rare to feel this way with a man, so you just don’t want to lose it.

A month goes by and he still isn’t really opening up about his life. You’re trying to be more vulnerable and let him into your life as a sign that he can go there with you, and yet you aren’t getting much from him in return.

Another month goes by and you don’t know if you are exclusive, if he is really falling for you, or if he even wants what you want.

You’re trying to stay patient. It’s hard, but you also think “well in the past, I haven’t been very patient and that’s destroyed relationships. So I’m going to just breathe and see if he starts to open up”.

Then one day, he calls saying he’s going out with his friends, when you thought you had plans together. A knot forms in your stomach, a knot that’s been there for a while, and you lose it.

You say to him (while crying on the phone) something along the lines of, “I don’t know where I stand with you, are you even into me, why do I feel like I have to keep pulling stuff out of you, I’ve been patient I just can’t do it anymore”.

He reacts by saying very little.

You both get off the phone.

You feel horrible. And over the next week he starts to communicate less and less, and eventually let’s you know he can’t give you what you want.

What I watch most people do after going through a situation like this, is they think “what’s the point of even dating? I just keeping meeting men that aren’t there for me the way I’m there for them”.

This is exhausting. You feel like you’re back to square one, and that the kind of man you can build a life with doesn’t exist.

Then there are other thoughts running through your head.

Ones of “see I shouldn’t push so hard, I shouldn’t have gotten upset, and if I’d done certain things differently then I wouldn’t be here right now, I’d still be with him”.

Blaming yourself, him, or the universe, leaves you with no healing or a feeling of empowerment. All you’re left with is a feeling of hopelessness.

Instead, what would be powerful is thinking, “I chose this man for a reason, and I chose this experience for a reason. He does care for me. I care for him. However, the relationship isn’t where it felt fulfilling, so what do I need to see or learn about myself from this experience?”

Maybe you feel like you choose someone that wasn’t ready to emotionally let you in.

Ask yourself…

Why did I choose that?
What belief do I have that has me creating this experience in my life?

Is the belief…

Do I believe that men can’t handle my emotions?
Do I believe that it’s rare to connect with someone?
Do I believe that men are weak?
Do I believe that I am too much for people?

Once you become AWARE of the belief.

Ask yourself…

What memory or feeling did you have with your Mom or Dad when you were younger that has you thinking or believing this is true?

Pinpointing the memory from the past isn’t about blaming your parents or yourself.

Identifying the memory is important, so you can see that a lot of what you are feeling isn’t just stemming from this experience with this man or men from the past, it is much deeper.

It makes it feel less personal in the moment.

You get to see that this isn’t about your picker.

There are subconscious beliefs that are running the show, and when you take the time to go inwards, reflect, and ask the RIGHT questions of yourself, you will be able to access more perspective and truly shift the beliefs that aren’t serving you.

You’ll also just start to have more ease with yourself so that you can keep picking until you find the one.

The steps I have written here are just the beginning. AWARENESS is key, and it’s just the beginning of your journey to shift the beliefs in love that are no longer serving you.

Tell me in the comments below – do you feel you have a broken picker? How did the perspective in this post help and what questions are you left with?

I can’t wait to hear. Honestly hearing from you really does make my day!

In Love,
Kavita

WANT MORE STUFF LIKE THIS?

Sign up for free updates

SHARE THIS POST

  • Maya Mushkilla

    This is a very interesting topic, I was wondering how developmental childhood trauma plays into this, as it does cause false beliefs, but also does alter one’s neurology in a way that isn’t accessible by language or cognition. How would you suggest to go about in this case?

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Maya – great question. In many cases, the process really is the same. Because when we tap into the emotion of how certain situations feel, we are able to access much more than just through logic or cognition. All we need is the feeling – and ask further questions – what does this situation feel like? When have I felt like this before? When is the first time I remember feeling like this? And so forth…I hope that helps!

  • Annette

    Hi Kavita,

    Thank you EVER so much. This article answered that “what is it about me that attracts guys with addiction issues”. Wow.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Annette – you are SO welcome!

  • Andrea Steel

    Hi Kavita, thanks for your insightful article. Just wondered what questions should I be asking to reveal my subconscious beliefs if I am the one who shows up as being emotionally unavailable in a relationship? Sadly the above scenario resonates more strongly with me the other way round.

    Thank you!

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Andrea, you can start with the same questions. And also – Do I believe relationships are unsafe? Who do I feel withheld love from me when I was younger? What do I believe will happen if I let someone in fully? You can even create the questions yourself – just get really curious about YOU! I hope that helps.

  • Gale

    I was karmic-ally attracted to/attracting men who treated me like my parents. They had different names, but it was all the same guy. My mom was always trying to marry me off. Now I realize that she felt that anyone could’ve taken care of me better than she could have. Because I didn’t come 1st in my parents’ lives, or the guys, I must be saying, subconsciously, “If none of you, wants me, than I don’t want any of you.” Now that my parents are gone I haven’t seen any guy that I want and it’s been 10 years. I am happily living on my own, I was happy alone, in the womb, in my room (as a little girl, I was always there), and now, in my home. But consciously, I want my Soulmate. I had a dream, recently, that I translated as, “No one’s mine and the guy I want, doesn’t exist.”

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Gale – this is a great connection! Have you let in and FELT your parents love, versus knowing they loved you logically? Tap into that feeling!

      • Gale

        GREAT ADVICE!!!!! I needed that today. I was still perplexed why “he” is not here yet. I FEEL that’s the answer. Thank you, Kavita. I FEEL Love from you. That’s a start.

  • Katherine

    I loved it, this is the best publication by far. It completely describes what i am living. I also thing the key for me right now is just to move on. Date somebody I feel attracted to. I still have feeling for him but I refuse to let myself down and keep losing time. I have seen so many beautiful women stay stuck in this situation. It is not worth it! I have to move on and anybody that is in this stage should move on. We deserve better!

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Katherine – thank you! And yes, you deserve everything you desire in love! Identifying why you attracted in this man is important, so we can release the block and attract in someone high-quality!

  • Marie

    I have the belief/emotional memory that I cannot connect with someone, unless I am not obliged to care for them, to be here for them emotionally. I am the parent.
    Moreover, I believe I am too much, too mature, too responsible, too caring for others…than I could truly be with someone who accepts exactly this me.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Marie – thank you for sharing, you’re not alone! What memory do you have from mom or dad when you were younger that has you believing these things are true – and that sent you into a taking care of your parents state?

      • Marie

        Hi Kavita ! Thank you very much for your feedback. I remember my mother being emotionally unstable, nervous, angry, she talked about herself (to me), she had always some problems and talked to me (I was her “therapeut”, friend), but mother also needed someone to help her in the garden, she had so much work and would need someone to give her a hand. I took the responsibility for her emotional well-being and some of her physical work.
        Father was not present, only once I remember I needed to wake him up to go to the kindergarden. We came late, anyway. I took the responsibility for getting things done.
        What to do about it ? Just to remember, experience it, be aware ?
        Much love

      • Marie

        Hi Kavita !
        Thank you very much for your feedback.
        I remember my mother being emotionally unstable, nervous, angry, she talked about herself (to me), she had always some problems and talked to me (Iwas her “therapeut”, friend), but mother also needed someone to help her in the garden, she had so much work and would need someone to give her a hand.
        I believed that she cannot do it on her own, she will emotionally break down, be in a bad state, fall sick….and that the work will not be done, and she will also emotionally not make it, fall sick, eventually die (even through a suicide, mother talked about suicide, not sure in which connection,perhaps it was also around the time of divorce).
        I took the responsibility for her emotional well-being and some of her physical work (in order to prevent her falling sick, death or committing a suicide). I did not want to feel guilty for not having prevented it, event. having caused by my existance-the message I received).
        Father was not present, only I remember I needed to wake him up to go to the kindergarden. We came late, anyway. I took the responsibility/control for getting things done, otherwise things will not be taken cared for (and I will
        live the repercussion).
        Kavita, what to do about it ? Just to remember, experience it, be aware ?
        Much love