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Can we control how hurt we feel?

Last Summer, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. It wasn’t something I expected but when I saw the word pregnant on the test, I was elated.

So happy in ways I absolutely didn’t expect. We hadn’t been really trying because honestly, Hemal and I wanted to consciously be ready for a baby. I don’t buy into the whole you’ll never be ready thing.

But one thing was for sure, as soon as I saw the word “pregnant” glaring back at me I was ready.

I was so happy I couldn’t help but want to immediately share it with some of my closest friends.

Truth was I didn’t even know how many weeks pregnant I was because my period, for most of my life, has been all over the place; I haven’t had it for up to 6 months.

I knew in my head that it was probably too early to be telling people. But I also found myself questioning why was it too early to tell people, people I love and who love me?

The only reasons I could come up with were, “I don’t want to jinx it” or “if it doesn’t work out then I don’t want to hurt more or feel the pressure of people knowing and having to explain what happened.” I mean, I’ve heard you shouldn’t tell anyone until you’re about 12 weeks because that’s when it’s “safe” to tell people.

Although these reasons weren’t mine, they’re what I’ve heard or been told. I always question the norm. That is just what I do. I like to think for myself and I encourage others to do the same.

So, I made the conscious choice to not sacrifice my joy, in the now, to spare myself pain later. Truth is, the idea that we will hurt less if we just pretend we aren’t as happy or excited is a total hoax. It’s going to hurt no matter what, not more because I choose to feel the joy now, and not less because I choose to not tell anyone.

This is just the mind’s way to protect ourselves, and while we are protecting ourselves we are also draining the joy out of life. It’s my life’s work to rise above the mind and to lead with the heart. Life is so much more alive, fun, and worth living from that space.

So over a two week span, I told over 20 people, who I love, that I was pregnant. And it was beautiful to share and feel the love and equal excitement from those around me. It lifted me up and made it an even more joyful experience.

Several weeks later I had a miscarriage.

I was about 5 weeks pregnant… and it was really really hard. Painful physically and emotionally.

I knew I had to process the pain, especially emotionally. I allowed myself to feel everything that was coming in and make amends with the soul.

The night of the miscarriage, I texted each person I had told. I texted one sentence letting them know what happened.

I’ve asked myself do I regret telling people that soon. My answer is no. I am still really happy I shared it. The joy I felt from those closest to me still carries me today.

One thing is for sure, my sharing couldn’t have possibly prevented something that is a miracle in every way. I have very little control over when a soul chooses me, so to even think that I could have jinxed it is absurd. As a way to protect us once again, our little mind the ego will try to answer something that is unanswerable with lots of reasoning.

Why am I sharing this? Because I want to spread the importance of allowing joy to come through in the moment. To stop protecting so much. To surrender to what’s occurring for you now instead of “trying” to control the outcome.

Give yourself undeniable permission to be expressed through what you are experiencing in the now. You can deal with what comes hours, days, months later. At least give yourself the gift of excitement and pleasure when it’s felt.

Now I’d love to hear from you. Have you ever held something back because you didn’t want to “jinx” it? How do you feel about experiencing joy or excitement in the now? Leave a comment below and let me know your thoughts.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • http://www.perfectlycast.co.uk Charlotte Pingriff

    I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby last year. Big hugs to you, your partner, and those around you xx

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Thanks Charlotte I appreciate the love.

  • Felicia Sabartinelli

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I have had multiple miscarriages and strongly relate to your post. My story was shared on Good Housekeeping: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a35445/how-my-miscarriages-ruined-my-marriage/

    “Jinxing” things has always been a fear of mine. When we experience such amazing joy, and have had a history of disappointment or sadness, it’s hard to not feel that way. It’s hard to be fully present in the moment, without fear of jinxing our happiness. It’s an everyday struggle of mine but I believe in the law of attraction. I believe in positive thinking, and your story is just another reminder that things happen, but we should never NOT enjoy the moments – all of them! Blessings to you! <3

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Felicia, thanks for sharing. Yeah jinxing is a conditioned state, and something we can alter for ourselves so quickly. Through just asking more critical questions of how we want to feel, but not how we “should” feel.

  • Lidia

    My condolences on your loss, Kavita! Sending lots of love your way! I was wondering if you received support after your miscarriage from all those people who shared in your joy when you told them the good news? If so, then it seems to me that would be another good reason for sharing your joy in the moment!

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Lidia, thanks for the love. They all did support me and agreed it is totally another reason.

      • Lidia

        Great to hear!!

  • Koby Aylor

    Kavita,
    I can relate to your entire email… I had two miscarriages myself. They were painful as well but I shared both my joy and sorrow equally. I’m sorry you had to experience the loss but I know you will make an amazing mom when the time comes💕❤
    Koby

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Koby, thanks for sharing. It is so common. I love that you did the same in sharing your joy. And thanks for the love.

  • Sharon Munfus

    First off I am sorry about your loss but so elated that you reveled in your joy. We all know everything happens for good reasons and for the good. I wish you a happy healthy pregnancy and delivery in your experience. Thank you for the inspiration and reminder to take joy and enjoy joy in the moment. Life does what it does and we can either fear it 9r love it. Much love to you Kavita and Hemal.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Sharon, thanks for the love. Yes there is a master plan, and it requires trust in that. Even when life doesn’t look the way you want in your head. Always being guided.

  • Nadia Papa

    Hi Kavita, Thank you as always for sharing your truth. I am very sorry to hear about your loss, however I love that you always can find the light in the dark. I agree I tend not to get too excited or share my joy because I worry what people will think if things don’t work out as I hope. Next time something exciting happens to me I will be sure to cherish it and not surpress it. I have you and Hemal in my prayers. Sending you lots of love. Miss you xo

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Nadia, thank you so much for the love! Yes it’s a great practice to have. Miss you too.

  • Joanna Chadd

    Powerful message. Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing. I think the biggest thing I have held back on is pursuing a new passion/dream after failing at one I had tried at for years, since childhood really. I am finally getting beyond fear and doubt and going for the next phase of dreams and passions in my life and attempting to move forward and not look back. 🙂

    Thank you for sharing!
    Joanna

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Joanna, love that you following your dreams and passions!

  • Audra Paul

    Hi sorry to hear of your deep loss. My heart goes out to you. What I resonated with in your sharing is that very recently I had the thought that if I didn’t over care or over share, that might have solved the heartbreak issue I seem to be perpetually facing. But it boils down to the same concept of surrendering and to not try to control outcomes. And sometimes there is no answer.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Audra, thank you for the love. That’s right we can’t control the outcome. You can just be in your joy in the moment and allow that to be expressed, along with any other emotions. It’s funny how our mind tries to control things by “making” up that we have messed it up.

  • Michelle Robbins

    I am sadden to hear of your loss Kavita and know exactly how you feel. Almost 2years ago I also had a miscarriage at 7/8wks into my pregnancy. I never told anyone I was even pregnant yet so I figured why tell anyone about it then. Only my fiancée and I knew and although he was somewhat supportive of how I was feeling I really wished I had told my Mom or my sister in law so at least I could of cried to them when my fiancée just wasnt what I needed at that very moment. Needless to say I made it thru that difficult time and learned to get on with my life. Until about a couple of weeks ago when I found out that I was pregnant again! I am 9wks along now and once again Ive only informed the father of this baby that I was expecting. Im am really worried with being 42 years old that something could go wrong with this baby as well so Ive opted to stay quiet again. I think its really a matter of the person who’s dealing with said situation to announce it to “the world” or simply play it safe as they see fit. Regardless….when they are ready Im sure everyone will be happy, excited and very supportive. Trust in yourself to know whats right for you and believe everything happens for a reason! 🙂

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Michelle, it’s so important to be supported throughout life especially through the process of having a child and having a child. It’s not worth trying to save others from your sadness or hurt. Life is so much more fulfilling when you are in trust of it’s direction.

  • Arija Rahman

    Wow, I am so sorry for your loss and incredibly inspired by your message! I have always protected things that are important to me from most people, because I’m worried they’ll wish me more harm than good and those vibes will somehow affect the outcome of everything. Your story inspires me to give that up, because you’re absolutely right – it’s miserable! Sharing the happy moment should be just that, happy. And if I don’t trust whomever I tell, then I shouldn’t be close with them in the first place.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Arija, love your share! I totally agree!

  • kavitha sriram

    Hi Kavita,
    I am sorry for your loss. I am sending all my love and prayers to you.
    We are always taught to keep the news for 12 weeks, to protect us from the hurt, when something goes wrong.
    You have dared to break the rule.
    These norms are built by elders to keep us safe.
    If we live a safe life, we live safe and die safe.
    Life is all about living. Living our strengths and weakness, happiness and sorrow, courageous and coward moments.
    Thank you for this post. You have inspired me to an great extent.