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Think this relationship is keeping you from finding love?

I met this man the other day while I was out hanging with friends.

He introduced himself and then asked me what I did. “I’m a Love and Relationship coach,” I said. He then asked me if I was married. “Yes, in fact I will be celebrating my 10 year anniversary this July.”

I asked him what he did and he told me he worked in reinsurance (this is applicable for later in the story).

“Well since this is what you do, I have a question for you,” he said. (Yes this often happens to me.)

“I’ve been dating this one women on and off for 3 years, and just last week we hung out and went to dinner. We had a great time. The conversation flowed, she’s beautiful. It was great.”

I could feel his eyes light up while talking about this part of the story.

Then he said, “But she is super busy and works all the time. In fact after our dinner date, she went back to work. And I’m pretty sure she is the one with the problem.

She’s the one that doesn’t know what she wants. Like this week she texted me saying, ‘How are you? What are your plans for this week?’ I texted back saying, I’m available these days for dinner. Then she said, ‘Okay I may not have time, but I’ll see if I can fit you in.’

When she said that, I was pissed. It made me feel like she was going out of her way to make time for me, and so I ignored it. I thought that was disrespectful.”

I said to him, “Why didn’t you tell her how you felt about the way she texted back? That the way she worded her text made you feel like she wasn’t valuing your time and that seeing you wasn’t all that important even though she was the one initiating the plan.”

“She should just know that’s not okay,” he said.

I asked him, “It’s uncomfortable for you to communicate that, isn’t it?”

“Well yes,” he said. “And after I ignored her she got mad that I didn’t respond and now she is mad at me.”

“First of all, everyone has to handle their 50% of the relationship,” I told him. “She definitely has things she needs to work through but so do you.” I then launched in… “ Let me ask you why aren’t you standing up for yourself? Why aren’t you letting her know how you feel and what you desire?

This has been going on for 3 years because she knows you are there for her, and you’ve never asked for more, even though you want to. You’re smart, successful and have a beautiful heart. You are letting yourself get walked over. Why are you allowing that?”

“You’re right,” he said. “I haven’t been communicating the way I want to.”

“There is a deeper reason to why you haven’t,” I told him. “It’s actually not your fault that you haven’t been able to. It stems from how you observed love and felt loved by your parents.”

“Yes I know what it is,” he told me. “I have done some reflection on this. I’ve always wanted my mother’s love and feel like I never get it. But I have no way of changing that. I’ve tried. So, what’s the point?”

I said, “You’re so aware. That’s great. And there are ways to shift that relationship, I promise you. You just don’t have the tools to know how to do that right now. That’s like me saying I should know how to reinsure my house, and what goes into doing that, when I’ve never learned how. I don’t even know if that’s how it works but you get the point!

And when you can feel the love from your Mom, which doesn’t require her to be any different because you can’t change that, you’ll see that you will naturally stand up for yourself and ask for what you want.

I can tell you’re into this women you’ve been dating, but you’re more comfortable being led on then actually saying this is what I want. And it’s because right now that is the only way you know how to relate, which isn’t bad, but it isn’t getting you where you want to be.”

“Yes, that’s totally true,” he said.

“Because here’s the thing,” I continued. “I can give you some communication techniques to use, and you will use the technique for a little bit, but if there’s a situation where you get triggered and feel unloved you’ll shut down and stop communicating.”

“You are so right,” he said. “I’ve even done that where I communicated some things to her, but then stopped because I felt hurt by some of her actions.”

He then asked for my number so that we could set up an Introductory Session.

I’m telling you this story because I get asked by readers all the time, “I know you talk a lot about our connection to our parents, but that isn’t always easy. So, are you saying that if I don’t resolve my relationship with my parents that I will never find love?”

No, that’s not what I’m saying. You can find love and be with the “one” 5 minutes after reading this. But you have blocks to love, even if you find the right person and get married.

I’ll be honest, everything that is happening between two people in any relationship, even friendships or work relationships, is just playing out what’s unresolved from your childhood. This happens because life is calling you into your own evolvement.

To move beyond the mind and into allowing and receiving profound levels of love into your life.

And so you will keep getting triggered, tested, upset until you heal or release these blocks to love.

Finding love is divine timing. When someone is meant to be in your life, you can’t miss it. It’s karmic, predestined from life times.

And YES if you release these love blocks now, it’s possible to call in true love sooner. Or if you’re in a relationship, it will absolutely deepen the levels of intimacy and connection.

Through releasing these blocks and opening your heart there is a oneness that gets created. A feeling that most people never allow themselves to experience in life.

I also totally understand that right now you don’t know how to shift or transform these childhood experiences, you’re not suppose to. It’s something that is learned, developed, and practiced.

I’m also not saying that to release these love blocks, you have to be best friends with your parents. For some of you this is not an option and I get that.

You’re just getting the information you need from them, family members or family friends, to set yourself FREE.

You may already have awareness of how you translated love in your childhood and how that’s keeping you from the kind of love you deserve now….

but what’s missing for most is that they are still stuck in those stories…

True transformation in love happens when you see those stories from a completely fresh perspective, from an angle where you FEEL and SEE the love.

This is my mission, and I hope even through this article some of that was possible.

P.S. In a couple of days you’re going to be hearing about something new and exciting that I’ve been itching to tell you! Stay tuned.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Kristina

    Thank you, Kavita ! Set myself free. I start to feel it (no need to change the parent, be friends with them…). It came to me the hint about abundance (and being walked over by men). Mother used to tell me “why I need money, I don´t need anything”….I understood that I can live out of nothing. I can make it. Mother had designed this place for me, she must be right. Only she will decide how much and what she will drop towards me, what my body needs are.
    I had also been disinherited. I let myself being walked over me (as many other times) because also I believed that I don´t need the property (what for ?)…but maybe the deeper experience is that having things, being abundant will enrage my mother and she will harm me (threaten with taken food away from me…etc., actually shrinking my body needs even more). Being abundant will threaten my body.
    I shrank my body-needs. Having nothing means also having no needs.. .it came truly very far with the way how I don´t allow myself to ask for abundance, for my body needs being met. In relationships, most guys never bought me even a dinner…etc, they take me for granted.This position had led me to practical life danger.
    I´d feel as if a mother is putting me as a prey in the arena of predators. She drops me there and goes for a long walk (she wants to, she does her “thing”). Because I have no “body protection, no security” as a baby, anybody can be after me. This puts me into life danger. (and I ended up in the financial trap of mother, family, dependent on mother).
    I would have loved to be abundant on my own (but I guess I have no true access to this feeling), because I am being every time “dropped” as a baby in the arena of predators. Being set free for myself, no matter how often I will experience anybody dropping me would something, I would let go my fight for receiving the property back (because I would not need it that badly, my body would carry me and protect me enough).

  • Sally Elizabeth Rees

    thanks so much Kavita . I got some insights about how my parent’s behaved with me and I have seen the same thing in my relationships. In both cases it’s been ‘disconnected’ – not being their emotionally for me. Now I see the cause and effect 🙂