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Unlock your heart with this question

Over the years I’ve thought a lot about feeling worthy from within when it comes to love and relationships (I will be revealing a course on this soon). One of the keys to feeling worthy in love is also about feeling safe from within.

You see, most of us have been trained to think that safety comes from outside of us.

We think that we’ll be physically safe if we walk down a fully lit street with people versus a dark alley. We’re safe if we live in the “right” part of town; we’re safe if we have an alarm system; we’re safe if we wear sunscreen to protect us from UV rays.

We also feel emotionally safe when someone we like tells us they like us back, or when our partner does something that makes us feel loved. We feel safe when someone takes care of us financially or emotionally. We feel safe waiting for someone to make a move on us first.

Our safety is often 100% sourced from outside of us physically and emotionally.

When our safety is sourced outside of us, it also means the same “world” that can support us can harm us.

And because our brain is wired to help us survive, we default into a state of protecting ourselves, fearing that the worst could happen more often than not.

In love, this shows up in thoughts like:

If someone is really interested, they’ll chase me
I’m not going to reach out; I don’t want to be seen as weird, needy, or desperate
If someone loves me they should just know what I like and don’t like
I don’t want to come across as too much
I don’t want him to know I like him, then he has the advantage
I’m not good at relationships
I don’t know what I’m doing in love
I don’t want to get too excited too quickly

I often spend weeks with a client helping them unlearn or release these thoughts. Because truth is, these thoughts are not only reinforced by family and friends, but also from experts that are coming from this same energy of protection and fear.

Protecting ourselves in love means closing our hearts.

When we are in protection mode, there’s no space for love or a connection to flow through.

Then we wonder why our relationships are falling apart, why we feel disconnected, or why we haven’t found the one yet, because most of us are often in a state where our hearts aren’t open.

What if we begin to source, even some of that safety, from within, instead of putting it on the external?

Believing and trusting that we can be safe no matter what because we are in charge of our safety. When we want to feel safe we can.

Try that belief on for a second… that in your love life whether you’re in a loving marriage, in a relationship, or single, “safety comes from within me, and I decide and trust myself to know when and whom I feel safe with.”

How would that change the way you interact with people, with someone you like, with someone you love?

Would you allow yourself to be more expressed, to get vulnerable, to let someone into your heart faster?

The more I have allowed my safety to be sourced from within, the more I have experienced the following in love:

I can take more risks,
I can have hard conversations with more ease,
I can talk to loved ones about really hard stuff without allowing the fear of judgement to stop me (doesn’t mean I don’t feel judged, I just mean I allow myself to have the talk no matter what the outcome),
I lead with love,
I can receive love from all kinds of people in my life because I don’t feel there are strings attached or feel burdened by it,
I’m open to understanding versus being right

And so much more….

Your turn! How would knowing that feeling safe resides within you change the way you interact in your love life? Let me know in the comments below.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Andrea

    I feel like I’m open to love and have made considerable effort to shift away from those negative beliefs. However, I have to accept that getting vulnerable means I’m still at risk of getting hurt. I’m tired of not seeing any results.

    I recently met a guy and he expressed interest initially but then, when it came time for us to get together (after we talked over the phone) he stood me up. I reached out to him late that same day (no response)…texted him later that night to tell him I was looking forward to seeing him and was disappointed that he didn’t at least let me know he couldn’t make it. He gave me a lame excuse…although he said he still wanted to see me. So I called him the next morning to let him know I would like to see him, too–I wasn’t ready to write him off. I figured maybe something came up and he didn’t know how to communicate it to me. Again, he said he wanted to see me, but it never happened. When I texted him to ask if he was done for the day, he didn’t respond and he never called. It’s very frustrating because he was so nice when we first met. I don’t know what happened and I’m trying to take a step back and allow him some space. If he does want to see me and get to know me better, than he’ll reach out, right?

  • Kristina

    When I want to feel safe, I can, I am in charge of my safety. I resonate with it. Thank you.
    Does it mean that when I am in a relationship with a male that makes me feel unsafe (making me jealous on purpose), I am allowed to take steps in order to feel safe ?
    Even though I have to be harsh to him and break up.
    I told him already in the most kind way as I can that I feel hurt. He tried to triangulated me even more, he talked me out of my feelings (he said that I did not understand it well), then he pressed to get my answer and be sure that I was not angry at him, then he love -bombed me again). My heart is confused.
    I am scared to be the “bitch”, the crazy one when I will pull a boundary and tell him what I think he is doing. But also I do not feel much safe being in contact with this guy, I feel anxious.
    I have difficulties to create my own safety from within.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Kristina, it’s important to understand why you’re feeling jealous? What is stirring that up inside of you, meaning what are you afraid of, and where does that fear come from in your upbringing? These will help you sort out what is yours and what is his. If he is knowingly trying to to make you jealous and you feel and sense that then what do you think he gets out of that, for himself, and why do you keep staying? You’re allowed to be crazy and bitchy we all have parts of ourselves like that, but why are you scared to come across that way. Lots of self reflecting questions. Thanks for writing me!