This week we also had our first Done With Being Single class and it was awesome! The women are amazing and all are asking bold questions and are committed to finding love. It was a great week and I can’t wait to see what transpires over the next few months!

I also got a call from another old friend of mine this week. Her grandmother is passing, and her parents called her up yesterday to let her know. She was crushed. Her grandmother is 90 and has been terminally ill, but it is never easy to hear that a loved one is no longer going to be on this planet. 

In the spirit of what she was feeling, I had to write to you really from a place of being fired up and compassionate. So many of you fear what breaking through your blocks in love will make you experience and endure and I get it. But I don’t want you to stay there.

When Hemal broke up with me (right when I seriously thought we were getting engaged), it WAS NOT fun. To the contrary, I was depressed for quite some time. Would I want to go back to that moment and relive that again? No. However, I will say that I don’t regret one ounce of hurt that I felt because it honestly made me stronger, helped me to know what I am made of, what I deserve, and who I deserve to be with.

When he came back into my life, I had to go through a whole lot of feelings around: “Can I really trust him? Will he leave me again?  I would be so crushed if he did that to me again.” Now, being on the other side of all of that, THANK GOD I decided to trust him and to follow my heart instead of letting the fears lead the way, even if it meant that everything wouldn’t always be perfect. {If you haven’t heard my story, click HERE for the full scoop.}

Too many of you are wasting a lot of time guarding your heart, making sure you make the right moves, not trying to rock the boat, playing it safe, and all it is doing is keeping love at bay. You aren’t letting a man or the other people in your life that love you FULLY IN for fear of them hurting you at some point.

Life is long and can also be way too short. Listening to the fear, which many of you are doing, is only going to lead to regrets. I wrote about this last week and this week is a continuation of making sure you are living your life full out, ESPECIALLY IN LOVE.

So, how do you do this? The way I ensure I am constantly playing full out in love is to ask myself one question. This usually happens when I am having some sort of disagreement with Hemal, my parents or even a friend. When this happens, I ask myself:

“If this was my last interaction with this person, would I want to leave it with what has been said and what hasn’t?”

If your answer is “no,” then there is something more to reveal or apologize for. This question is so powerful because it allows the ego and fear bow out, and let the heart lead.

Your Lovework:

Ask yourself the same question, “If this was my last interaction with this person, would I want to leave it with what has been said and what hasn’t?” about the most important relationships in your life: Mom, Dad, Siblings, Partners, and Friends. I am super serious about this. Too many of you are avoiding lots of things, and love is at the top of the list — expressing love is what I mean.

Right now, start expressing your love, like:

• Telling the guy you like that you like him
• Expressing to the man you are in a relationship with that you want to get married
• Letting go of a man that isn’t good for you
• Going beyond friendship to try out love with a man that you adore
• Telling your mom that you need to hear from her that she loves you
• Asking your dad to reveal how proud of you he is
• Giving a man that hurt you but wants a second chance another go

You are feeling hurt from past experiences (I get it) and you are trying to ensure that never happens again. That is only leading to a life of mediocrity. You have this life. LIVE IT, LOVE IT. I promise you, the fears are just illusions. {TWEET THIS}

Tell me your thoughts about where you are avoiding stepping into love in a bigger way. I am excited to talk with you in the COMMENTS below!

Miami was awesome. I landed back in NYC on Monday and was greeted by a sunny city!  I love the warm weather (hence why I take as many beach vacations as possible), so coming back to a city that was warm was awesome.

Enough about the weather! You want your love note for this week, right?

This week I was thinking about my clients and found myself noticing an interesting thing that happens when clients first sign up with me. Without fail, relationships that had little closure in the past seem to start up again because these men come back and start to show interest. Continuously someone will sign up with me and that week they will tell me they received a text message from a guy they dated several months ago, hadn’t heard a peep out of, but was someone they really liked and didn’t know what had happened!

This week it was Mary. Mary had a guy she had dated for 2 ½ months. He was super attractive and took her on epic dates, like the time they went to a screening of Casablanca on a rooftop. Isn’t that crazy romantic??! Overall, he made her feel special when they were together. Now the catch here was that he would emotionally withdrawal often (not calling for days at a time) and there had been a lot of miscommunication between the two of them. Eventually they stopped dating because Mary was having so much anxiety during the times he would withdrawal, that she would be gun shy to express herself because she feared she was doing something to cause him to withdrawal. At that time he also wasn’t emotionally ready to really let her in.

Mary signed up with me literally a week ago and Jay emailed her this after months of no communication:

“Hi Mary,

I would like to see you. I owe you an explanation about what happened between us and what’s different now for me. Do you have any free time this weekend?

I hope you’re having a great week.

Jay

ps I know it’s a late but please don’t be concerned that I’m out late and
writing a drunk email. I am not. I just happen to be up late.”

So, what did Mary do? She met up with him, and HE confessed that he had made a huge mistake, that he would really like to keep dating and that he really believes that there is something serious in the future for them. Now, Mary was blown away by this. She didn’t even quite know how to take it all in. She was confused, excited, and scared to try something with someone that had hurt her so much.

Therefore we got Mary clear. First we had to shift through all the fears such as:

• What if he disappears again?
• What if I am wasting more time with him when I could be dating others?
• What if I am not able to break it off even when it isn’t working?
• What if he doesn’t communicate the way I need again?

Then, the big question: If none of those fears were valid because Mary had all the time in the world, wouldn’t be hurt if it didn’t work out, and could be on the same page communication-wise, would she want to be with him? She emphatically said YES.

The only answer for her then was to try it out! Her initial response was that she was fearful that she may be hurt again if it didn’t work out. She was already projecting that it would end to save herself from pain and from dealing with the fear. This is so normal.

I explained to her that no one ever knows if it is going to last. I am married and I don’t even know! I absolutely hope it will, but there are never any guarantees.

Love isn’t about locking down an answer about if someone is going to be with you forever; it is about having no regrets. 

I am telling you about Mary because so many of you are allowing your fears to override what you desire in your dating life, and you have many regrets because of that. You have a choice! You always have a choice! Allow the desire of what you want absent of the fears to help guide you in your decisions. A question you can ask yourself is, “Would I regret not trying this out?” If the answer is YES, then honor that.

Your Lovework this week:

Ask yourself how fear is getting in the way of having the love you desire in your life right now. What do you truly desire? Are you making choices that allow you to have little regrets?

If you know you are struggling around your love life, you aren’t sure how to handle past love situations, you feel stuck, or you feel like you should be able to figure out what is stopping you from moving on, then you NEED support.

I see women all the time trying to figure it all out by themselves and that is what is keeping them stuck.

In Done With Being Single, I will be taking you deep into how to finally release what you’ve been holding on to with your past loves. I know you may be carrying old regrets or hurts that you feel like will never go away, but the truth is that you can let go of them completely AND let go of the fears that are keeping you from taking bold moves for love.

This is exactly what I help my private clients to do, and I’ll be showing the women in this program how to do this too, and how to fill that space with the love you want. It’s time for you to finally let go of everything holding you back from love! Register for Done With Being Single right here. 

For a part of my trip in Miami, I was all by myself. If this had been 3 years ago I would have felt terribly alone. (Yes, even if you are married you can feel alone!)

In fact, the first two years of my marriage I felt incredibly alone. I remember having moments of living in NYC and walking to the subway where I asked myself, “What is the point of marriage? Why do we want it so bad, and then when we have it why doesn’t it feel the way we imagined it to be?”

What I didn’t get at that moment that I have learned since is that I deeply wanted my life to look exactly like I had imagined it, and when there was something that felt out of place or didn’t fit into my picture of my life, I would get incredibly upset.

If I wasn’t getting the recognition from my boss at work…I would be unhappy

If Hemal didn’t come with me to the temple…I would be unhappy

If my best friend didn’t call me after I had called her…I would be unhappy

If my parents were fighting and I couldn’t help them…I would be unhappy

And when you are unhappy, that feeling consumes you. Suddenly, you feel lonely in life, as if no one gets you, cares for you, or even likes you. It is irrational and yet as humans, we all experience it.

I am writing this to you because I know you feel alone often. I know this because you tell me. You tell me you want to find a man that you can share your life with, or if you’re in a relationship you tell me that you just want to feel understood, or to know he is right for you.

Well, what I have realized about feeling alone is that a man can’t fill you up. I mean I absolutely think the whole Jerry Maguire “You complete me” crap is just that- CRAP! Yes, initially it can totally feel like that because it is exciting and new, and yet as time passes, it shifts.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you shouldn’t desire a relationship or a man in your life. In fact, I ask you to desire and declare it because when you find that person for you, it is bliss, and your life just feels more meaningful. However, you won’t ever allow yourself to feel that bliss unless you begin to let love in from everything and everyone around you NOW.

I can say to you now that I feel a sense of peace in aloneness. That was non-existent before. That doesn’t mean that I don’t ever feel alone, it just means that there is a sense of peace with it that I never had before.

Some of you may be thinking that you are totally cool with being alone, and honestly you’re not. It is just comfortable for you. You know how to deal with yourself and control that, but add people to the mix and it feels like you are vulnerable to emotions and feelings you don’t want to feel.

So, what has contributed to a sense of peace with feeling alone is creating deeper more profound relationships. I thought I already had that before, ohh I had no idea how deep you can go with love and how much we block it!

This week’s Lovework is:

When are you alone, notice how that feels for you. Do you try to find a way out of it? Do you mask it by shopping, working, or eating?  Are you totally okay with being alone because it is just easier? Notice it. Meditate on it. See what comes up for you. I would love for you to share that with me in the COMMENTS below!

Here is a pic of the garden in front of our building in full bloom!

As you are reading this I am in Orlando for a conference, then off to Miami for a girl’s week. I can’t wait! I will tell you more on this next week, but I have a really juicy post for you today. I know it is a bit long (especially for all of you that lose interest after the first paragraph!) but please read it anyways. You will get something profound out of it, I promise.

A client of mine, let’s call her Nina, had this thing where she wanted to save men. She even prided herself on the fact that she has remained friends with almost all of her exes. Now of course before Nina came to work with me she didn’t see this pattern. She knew that she was giving and loving in relationships, but she couldn’t see that the reason that she remained friends with her exes was to ensure they were okay post relationship.

Interestingly enough, the ex that she had one of the strongest relationships with refused to be friends with her because it was too hard on him. For Nina, this felt like a big slap in the face because he didn’t want to be in her life.

When we initially started working together, it was puzzling to me where this pattern had come from because we talked through her relationship with her parents and nothing like this was coming up. I explained to her that there was little space in her relationships with men for her to express herself because she was always concerned with how they would take things and if they were fully supported. At some times this would even be at her own expense, which was causing her to not feel fully satisfied in relationships and also to attract in men that needed “saving” instead of the ones that could support her.

This week we hit the jackpot.

Nina was home with her mom and dad doing some of the parent lovework I had given her. Her mom had been out of town for the week, and when she got back the garbage hadn’t been taken out and she was really upset with her husband (Nina’s dad). She complained to Nina all morning saying how Nina’s dad was inconsiderate, and she was even upset with Nina for not taking it out even though Nina doesn’t live there and was just visiting for the weekend.

Nina watched her mom be upset most of the day while her dad was at work. By the time her dad came home, Nina’s mom had talked herself out of the anger and made a full meal that Nina’s dad would love and even managed to put a smile on for him.

As Nina was telling me this story, it hit me. THIS is where she gets it from!

I asked her if it was always like this when she was growing up. She explained that she was aways told not to bother Dad with home stuff, because Nina’s parents had decided that Dad would be the provider and Mom would take care of the home. (It was also because Nina’s dad had a temper, especially with stuff around the home, and so it was just easier to ensure he didn’t get upset.)

So, Nina’s mom always slapped on a happy face and made sure that the home and Dad were always taken care of (even at the expense of her feeling unsupported) so that he wouldn’t get mad or upset.

As we connected the dots for Nina, she was flabbergasted. I said, “You watched your dad get upset when you were younger and decided a long time ago that you would make sure you didn’t do anything that would make him upset by ensuring that he was taken care of, just like your mom did. THAT is what has established your pattern with men.”

Now she could see it as clear as day! In order to release this pattern for her, Nina’s lovework was to talk to her dad and reveal what she had unknowingly decided growing up. Her conversation went something like this:

“Dad, when I was really young I saw that you would get angry at Mom (and her sister) and it was hard to watch and hear, so I decided that I wouldn’t do anything that would make you that angry. I didn’t know that I had made this agreement with myself at that young of an age, but I wanted to know that if I actually expressed myself, would you still love me?”

I know this question sounds lame, but the truth is that she needed to hear from her dad that it doesn’t matter what she says because he will always love her. Can you see how this would break the pattern? This gets to the core of why she feels compelled to save men.

This week’s Lovework:

As a child, what did you decide about how you would express yourself with your mom and or dad? How does that carry into your life right now? As I always say, expressing yourself is the key to finding the right kind of man for you! {TWEET THIS} Share your agreements in the COMMENTS below!

Sometimes it can be difficult to pinpoint our own childhood agreements, and yet those agreements are affecting the way we express ourselves in love, on dates, and with men we like. I get into how you can pinpoint this memory and release what is stopping you from opening up and being you in Done With Being Single 10 Weeks to Break Through Your Love Blocks So You Can Meet The Love of Your Life. Check out the deets HERE, but I only want successful women who are tired of struggling in their love lives and are ready to find love now.

Here’s a pic from the event:

Since then, I have already heard stories from the beautiful women in the room that their affiliation to love has changed in a big way. Some have gotten bold with love and asked men out in a feminine way, some realized the people they were dating were not right for them (clarity is priceless), and some have gotten vulnerable in ways they never imagined with the people in their lives.

One thing I noticed consistently across the board with most of the women is that they were being so hard on themselves. And trust me, I understand this. I can be the same way at times.

I feel it is a characteristic of the strong, independent, go-getter woman. We often unknowingly and knowingly beat ourselves up for all kinds of things.  Here is just some of the internal dialogue that we can have in a matter of minutes.

I was slightly mean to my friend today when I said….

I hope I didn’t offend that guy at work.

I feel stupid for liking someone that doesn’t like me.

I have to go to a party tonight and I don’t want to be the loser that walks in by herself.

Why did I eat that chocolate cake when I am trying to diet?

I am so lazy why didn’t I work out today?

I feel like I messed up the ending of that presentation.

I should have been more prepared for that meeting.

My hair looks awful today.

I thought I was making progress, and now I feel like I am right back where I started.

I didn’t get anything done on my to do list. I feel so unproductive (when I actually accomplished a lot of other stuff!)

Isn’t that insane? We don’t give ourselves much credit or compassion. I talk a lot about spreading compassion to loved ones (especially mom and dad) as a way to create it for ourselves, which is one way to do it. The other is to start to have compassion for you right now. {TWEET THIS!}

During this past week, many times I observed my thoughts for literally 15 minutes, and there was a lot of “Why did you do this or that?” going on. So I decided to change the dialogue in my head by flipping the script. I was GENTLE with myself.

It started off with just being physically kind to myself. I went and got a mani pedi, with an extra 10 minute foot massage. Then I observed my thoughts, and every time I went into being harsh with myself, I said…

I am amazing.

I am great at what I do.

I am wise beyond my years.

I can help so many people.

I am on the right path, even if I don’t know where it is leading.

I am capable and so are those around me.

When talking to friends and family my intention is always coming from a loving place.

I am smart.

I am cool.

I am LOVED.

I left out “but “or “however” in these statements and kept them just solid loving statements towards myself. This is so basic, and yet it totally hits home!

As women, we are sending a lot of love out to the world (friends, family, pets, colleagues, and people we don’t even know), and yet we rarely stop to send some love inwards toward ourselves!

Your Lovework this week:

Write down your top 10 most loving statements towards yourself. Take a picture of the paper and make that the picture on your phone for a week. See how the compassion pointed inwards comes out towards others and in your relationships and love life. Tell me in the COMMENTS below what some of your loving statements were!

I really try hard to infuse everything with love, and have my eye on ensuring that you know you deserve love in the grandest form. It is the truth; I believe it to my core. So, I’ve had an emotional week because being in the thick of creation can stir up a lot of stuff.

I was thinking about all of these women breaking through in love all in one room at the same time (that is some powerful shit).

I was searching for what I really want to teach, what lights me up, and what resonates with you.

I was trying to make sure you will feel taken care of.

I was thinking of how grateful I am to be doing work like this.

This is my first LIVE in person event (the first of many) and so you can imagine that fear was creeping up too.  Lately I have been going and going but yesterday I had some downtime, and it really hit me just how powerful of an event this was going to be for everyone. Suddenly, the fear hit. I realized the fear was stemming from me thinking that it was all on me to make this event amazing. It felt like I was on an island.

Yup! That is where I went and the more I went there, the more anxiety I created. The truth is that I have an amazing team, and as soon as I reminded myself that I was supported by my parents, husband, friends, brother, and team, what a sense of relief I felt!

I’m telling you this because we have all been there and I know this is how you feel about putting yourself out there around love. You feel like it is so powerful, so big, and that it is something you have to do all by yourself. Well, that is simply not true.

Have you ever felt stranded in your head with no way out? You met a guy that had potential and you start to think about marrying him without even knowing his middle name. In those moments it’s like everything rests on your shoulders: you have to say hello to him, you have to smile, you have to be flirty and be open, and you have to look available but not too available.

So instead of actually making a move or soliciting a move on his part, you do nothing because it is easier to do nothing than something. If you do nothing you can’t get hurt; you don’t have to feel anything and you don’t have to pick yourself back up.  So, you hide behind work, friends and family and you keep going and going so you don’t have to feel the aloneness and distance between you and having the love of your life.  Even when you are with people you love and that love you, you make it about everyone else, revealing very little about what is going on for you, because if you were to reveal it and indulge the feelings for a second, you fear that you would burst into tears and never stop crying because of how alone you feel in the world.

This week I called my parents and literally cried like a baby, saying all kinds of irrational, illogical things. I just needed to do it! And then something amazing happened- I felt like there were people on my island. I was no longer alone; I was no longer stuck in my head. I have people who care about me JUST as MUCH as I care for them. Logically, I knew all along that I had a team to help and so many people rooting me on, and yet emotionally I couldn’t feel it until I opened myself up and asked to FEEL it.

So I’m telling you that YOU are not ALONE! I know logically you know this too, but emotionally you may not feel it yet. Your Lovework this week is that you are going to breakdown, yes! Oh yes, you are going to FEEL IT.

Lovework:

Reach out to someone that can hold all of the emotions that you have. We all need to be reminded that people that love us aren’t going anywhere and that we can rely on them by using their strength when we don’t have a ton of it. So, this week you are challenged with FEELING IT. Stop distracting and feel all your frustrations in love and cry it out with a close loved one. I promise you that it will feel ridiculously good afterwards, and you will actually feel loved (which is what you are searching for) in the process. 

Share with me below how this feels for you, and remember that love attracts in love. (CLICK TO TWEET)

Thursday night, I had so much fun speaking with women live about what it is that has a man wanting to pursue you. I could feel the lightbulbs turning on throughout the call. I’m going to share that replay with you on this blog today. But first I want to reveal to you the answer to that burning question…

“How do I get the man I like to call me after the first date?”

I can feel that you might be hoping for me to give you a certain way to act, or what to say, or what magical button to flip that will make the man you want decide that he wants you, and he wants to take you out again and pursue you. And much of that is because there is that part of you that wants to find love ASAP, have it figured out, and settled. But I can also tell you that this energy of feeling the pressure to find love ASAP is part of what is pushing love away.

You can learn the remedy for this from the Material Girl herself.

It’s got nothing to do with cone-shaped bras.

What you’ve got to do is to express yourself.

This is the only way for him to see all of your greatness, get inspired by you, and for him to know if you are match for him so he keeps pursuing you.

Easier said than done, right? Well I’m going to walk you through the three mistakes you might be making in dating right now that are holding you back from expressing yourself.

Mistake #1) Assessing immediately that he’s “potential”

When you meet a guy who is handsome, gentlemanly, and has got it together in his career, what usually happens is that he immediately becomes a potential boyfriend or husband in your mind.

Pair that with the pressure from family to find the One, your biological clock ticking, and suddenly this man feels like your only option for love, and you start to focus all your energy on wanting this man to like you. The first date then becomes all about “Does he like me? What’s going on in his head? Did I say the right thing?”

You’ve just hopped completely out of your body and stepped outside of the date. He’s unable to get to know the real you because you are too busy scanning him the whole time.

Mistake #2) Getting caught up in daydreams

Suddenly, with this guy you don’t even know, you’re daydreaming about the possibility of the two of you falling in love and getting married. What follows is that the pressure you were feeling before only gets more intense. You haven’t even picked out what you’re having for dinner but you’ve already named your children. All of that fantasizing energy fuels into anxiety about the date working out with him.

Mistake #3) Part of you freezes up and shuts down

Because of the pressure you feel to make it work with this man who has potential, part of you freezes up and shuts down. Rather than openly sharing your thoughts and ideas, you get self-conscious. You lose touch with your real thoughts and feelings and he isn’t able to see you for who you really are.

I reveal the way to remedy these three common mistakes over in the replay video of “Why He Hasn’t Called: The secret ingredient to having the man you like call you.”

Get on over to the video now!

Here’s Your LoveWork:

In the video, I also walk you through a very powerful exercise that will open up the places in you that are currently blocked from expressing yourself. Take advantage of this video available to you over the next two days, and give the exercise a try. See what opens up for you! It’s only going to be up for the next 48 hours, so listen to it today.

How are you currently holding yourself back from expressing yourself around the men you like? What challenges are you facing with having the men you like pursue you? Share with me in the comments below!

My parents left on Monday, and on Wednesday I was in a business mastermind with my coach Monica Shah. We started off the weekend with a video on Commitment. It was ahhh-mazing. I am sharing the link to the Youtube video right here. Now, I am not sharing this with you for the religious reflection, because it is a preacher talking about commitment. I am sharing it with you because this man blew me away. While watching him speak I was sweating, my heart was racing, and I completely teared up. His message was so moving.

I see with women I work with all the time that they are simply not committed to their love lives. Yup, that is a truth bomb for you. They are hiding, distracting themselves constantly: throwing themselves into work, into workouts (to lose the weight to feel better about themselves), taking refuge in their home for fear of being rejected by another man (even though the ones that didn’t work out were meant to be that way) or dating without having real purpose behind what they are really looking for.

I have spoken to so many women and when I ask, “What do you want in love?” I hear a hesitation. I hear a feeling of should I really say what I want, or should I say a dumbed down version of it? I hear things like “I want to meet a man I am excited about.” or “I want to have a relationship with someone.”

And because I can feel the desire in every bone in my body from them, I have to then ask, “Do you want to get married and have children?” Some say eventually and others say yes of course. The ones that say eventually are scared to ask for what they really want, and the ones that say of course had to be called out to admit that is what they really want.

Now I don’t care if you don’t want to get married, if you just want to have a long-lasting relationship, but if you want it, you have to stand proud in it.

Listen, one thing I know — and I know it well — is that if you don’t own what it is that you want, it is pretty difficult to stay motivated and to feel the energy and excitement around it to help you make progress and stay committed to what you desire. Giving up is not an option.

And I know why you aren’t declaring it. You have been hurt. You haven’t gotten what you wanted with love in the past — and I am getting BOLD with you — you are still hiding in the past, and you are doing your darndest to stay single right now or unhappy in the relationship you are in.

EVERYONE, and I mean EVERY human being on this planet, has suffered something, gone through trauma, or felt unloved at some point. We all have FEARS and lots of reasons to say to ourselves “give up.”

So it requires something bigger. Something bigger than the fear for you to put it into perspective put it into its place. Fear is there for you to be safe; that is it. And the truth is that you can’t have love if you are playing it safe.

So I am not saying to push the fear away or try harder to overcome it. I am saying the focus needs to be on something bigger than the fear, and that is you going ALL IN after what it is that you want in love. It’s about you being committed to love.

Your Lovework for this week is:

Have you declared what it is that you want in love?  No, I mean really! Like a wind-up toy. The toy isn’t going anywhere; it will stay idle until you wind it up. I want you to wind up your desire for love and get committed to it in ways you haven’t been.

I want you to ask yourself, “If I could have anything in love and there were no fears around it, and I could have exactly what I wanted, what would I want in love?” I am not asking for a laundry list of your ideal relationship and man. I want a one-sentence declaration.

Then I want you to say it to friend, and ask them if they believe you. It has to be a friend that will tell you the truth and that you trust. Then keep saying it until she/he believes you.

I hope I lovingly rustled your feathers. (That was the point!) I want to hear from you in the comments below. Tell me what is holding you back in love, right now, and what action are you going to take to commit to love?

 I had my retreat with my women that I work with one-on-one this weekend! It was incredible. I feel so blessed to be a part of each of their love journeys, and have them experience love in a whole new way! There were many epic moments. One of the favorites was having a dance party on the 22^nd floor in a luxury apartment with striking views of the city.  We were all present and enjoying the power of a group of women and breaking through in love.

A topic that was coming up a lot during the retreat was fear — fear of the mistakes we have made in the past with men and how that is now stopping us in our tracks in getting out there and dating. The bottom line is that we don’t want to make that same mistake again. Why? Because it was super painful.

I remember when Hemal and I broke up. We were together for 4 years and I thought we were going to get engaged, literally. I was on my way to Cincinnati, where my parents live, and he called me and said he couldn’t do this anymore. At first I was in complete denial and shock. What is he talking about? We are supposed to get engaged, not break up. I asked why, screaming at the phone through the rolling tears of sadness and shock. He said, “I have been unhappy for a while, and I just can’t do this anymore.”

Unhappy! What!

Several weeks passed by and I was still thinking something would change and that it was all a total fluke. That he would realize what he was giving up, what we had shared, the dreams we spoke about. Nothing.

Then I started to overanalyze what went wrong. What did I do wrong, and how did I cause this? How could I have done things differently? I racked my brain trying to figure out what would have made him stay, what would have prevented me from being here in this place where I am now living without him.

What I was really trying to figure out, underneath all the feelings, was how did I cause myself so much pain? The kind pain that no one wants to ever feel. The kind of emotional pain that could beat physical pain any day of the week. The kind of pain the makes you question why you should even get up in the morning. Now that is scary.

Several more weeks passed. The realization that he is not reconsidering sets in.

More time passes. The realization that he will never be coming back sets in.

More time passes. I start to see glimpses of myself again.

I started to ask my friends what they felt went wrong. I tried to make sense of why I spent so much time on something that didn’t work out; why I put my all into that relationship, and why I had to lose it.

I said to myself: It was because I had to learn to be flexible, not so stubborn — something my parents would remind me of my whole life.

My friends said that he didn’t always treat me right in the first place.

Are they right, maybe? So much thinking and thinking. Finally, I land on something that makes some sense to me. It didn’t work out because he wasn’t the kind of man that was going to give me what I needed (i.e. respect, being vegetarian, unconditional love) And I also needed to learn how to be less stubborn and more open to my partner’s desires.

I held onto that lesson. It got me back on my feet, into feeling like me again, and dating.

I secretly vowed to myself that I would never go to that place of pain again.

A year and half later, he comes back into my life. The lessons I had learned, which I was tightly holding onto — that he wasn’t what I needed, and that I needed to be less stubborn — were being questioned.

So you may be wondering: He broke my heart, and so how did I let him back in? How did I trust him again?

I stopped trying to hold on so tightly to the lesson learned. Now I know what you might be thinking: Kavita, he came back to you, so you had the opportunity to think differently. I would say to you, NO. 

All of us create lessons learned when our hearts are broken, and then we hold on tightly to those lessons we think we learned in order to validate why it didn’t work out. And over time, especially when you are trying to really create space for a new man to come into your life or date, it becomes a chock-hold on your love life without even knowing it.

So, what am I trying to tell you?

Simply this: You decided the lesson learned when you needed to hold onto the cane to get yourself back up. Now that you are running and jumping, you don’t need the cane anymore. Let it go. 

When I saw that seeing Hemal in a certain way was no longer serving me. I let go of the cane and was open to experiencing him in a totally new way.

Right now most of you are not experiencing your dating life in a whole new way or even the relationship you might be in. You are comparing him to your last relationships and loves, and the date in front of you is being compared to past men.

It is time to let it go. The way you remember it, the lesson learned isn’t the full story. It is just something that helped you get back on your feet.

The more you can relate to your past love mistakes from a place of seeing that it was right when it was right, and wrong when it was wrong, it gives you the space to see who is in front of you today versus constantly trying to make sure you aren’t making a mistake like you did in the past.

Lovework:

See how you are painting a picture of a past love in a way that is stopping you from moving on. Or, as a way to validate why you aren’t together anymore.

Start to see that it was the right thing when it was right and the wrong thing when it was wrong, and stop viewing him and your relationship as a static picture. It was a full colored, dynamic, 3D story.

Tell me if you are still living in your past love mistakes? How are you doing that? I want to hear your thoughts. Share with me in the comments below!

On my mom’s birthday, I posted the following on Facebook:

“Today is my Mom’s birthday! She is an amazingly dedicated, loyal, beautiful, compassionate woman. And an amazing singer. I still have songs that she sang when I was younger branded in my head. I am so honored to have her as my Mom.

My soul knew who I was meant to be born to in order for me to live my purpose. There is a reason for everything. Vina Jhaveri happy birthday. Love you Mom!”

Today’s post is an ode to my mother, the woman who lovingly carried me for 9 months, birthed me, and did everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in her power to ensure my safety, health, education, and overall happiness. She had a heavy hand in who I have become in my life and me standing in my purpose today. The other heavy hand of course is my dad. I will say that this level of appreciation and love that I have for my mom now wasn’t there less than 3 years ago. In fact there was a constant resentment I had towards her for being the kind of woman that she was.

When I was growing up my mom took us on yoga retreats, helped us with our homework (dad handled the math), and made sure we were raised cultured in our tradition and religion. Like most families, my dad was the provider, always busy financially taking care of us. My mom took my brother and I on several trips to India, just the 3 of us. That, may I add, was not easy! Why did she do all of this? She wanted to ensure we were raised and loved in ways she was never, thank god for that.

Then I hit my teenage years, where I thought I was cooler and smarter than my mom. I distinctly remember one moment when some friends were over and my mom came into my bedroom to ask us something, and I, in a very short arrogant way, replied, “No mom, just go away!” She asked me to step out of the room and I immediately knew I was showing off and the guilt hit. My mom nicely said, “You don’t talk to me like that; I am your mother” and she was right. Yet that feeling of “I know more than my mom” didn’t really go away.

We then continued into my high school and college years, where in my mind my mom lacked confidence, would fly off the handle emotionally and was never happy. I would be annoyed when I would call her with something important or with how I was upset about something, and she would reply with, “I know I had to go through the same thing…” I would suddenly feel like it was all about her and her life, and I had to handle her versus her helping me with what was happening in my world. I would either get frustrated and shut down or I would let her tell her story and just grin and bear it.

I constantly felt like I had to help her, save her, make her happy, and I could barely do that for myself. So MUCH PRESSURE! I resented her for making me feel this way. I also tried all kinds of techniques to have our relationship feel different to take the pressure off: ignore her, call her out, get angry, stay silent, but nothing took away the pressure I felt from her.

Until one fine day, I told her my truth.

I said, “Mom I feel like I have to make you happy, say the right things, and feel responsible for you being okay so the family is okay.” That was one of the scariest reveals I had made up until that point. She was surprised and told me that she had no idea I felt that way and that she didn’t want me to feel that pressure.  “I am your mom,” she said, “And I go through things and get out of them, but you don’t have to take that on.”

My mind was reeling. You mean all these years I had been feeling like this for nothing? WHAT?!

That conversation was followed by so much relief that I realized there had been so much energy (unbeknownst to me) that I was carrying. I cried and cried. How could I have been so wrong for so many years? In the same breath, thank god I was because I would rather have it be like this!

That is when the way I saw my mom permanently shifted. That is when I started to understand her for the HUMAN being that she is. I have realized that I am exactly like her (something I resisted for a long time). I became curious about how she was raised, what has impacted her the most in her life and what relationships have shaped her life. I learned a lot about her, and I can now with every cell in my being say to you that if I had the life that my mom had, I would be exactly like her. Exactly. (TWEET THIS)

With that thought came so much freedom in my life, freedom because I stopped resisting the women who birthed and nurtured me- the woman I am so much like. By understanding her I had access to understanding myself more, and now our relationship is open, light, and compassionate. Of course we sill get into small tiffs, and within seconds understand one another, and I don’t reel in my head the way I used to. That is priceless.

Lovework:

So my question to you for this week’s Lovework is, how do you perceive your mom? In what ways are you hurt by her? How do you feel pressured by her? What is your truth about why you took on that pressure? I promise you that she never wanted you to do that. When are you going to lovingly tell her your truth? Tell me what you are learning in the COMMENTS below!