Do you expect your man to help you out around the house? Do you get angry when he doesn’t call you after you asked him to call? Like when he takes a flight and doesn’t call you when he lands?
Do you also get down on yourself when you make a mistake at work? Or, completely forget to pay a certain bill, or eat something you weren’t supposed to for fear of it making you fat?
I have seen a trend amongst the women I work with and almost all of them would say YES to all of the above questions. My brain is sort of nuts and loves to connect the dots around human patterns, and this is what I figured out.
The pattern with expecting certain things from your man and expecting things from ourselves are totally related. I am sure you can see the common word coming up in that last sentence. Yes, you got it we are talking about expectations and what that does to your relationship and to yourself.
Expectations are what get us mad at our men when they don’t help us out and it is expectations that make us get down on ourselves when we forget to do something or make a mistake.
The key to having your man help out around the house (this is just an example you fill in the blank with of what bugs you the most about your man), is simple drop the expectation that he will do it.
As women, we have been trained from birth to not only take care of ourselves but to make sure everyone in the family is happy and taken care of as well. That kind of pressure, when you really think about it, is a LOT!
The way we have survived with this kind of pressure is beyond me, but we have adapted and our form of adaptation was by setting our expectations at unattainable levels for ourselves, so we keep pushing forward.
The problem is that we never saw that we had a choice in the matter, and that pushing ourselves only makes us and the people we love unhappy.
Because there is a funny phenomenon with expectations the more you love someone the more you expect of them, and the more we set them up to disappoint us.
For example, have you ever expected on your birthday for your man to do something really sweet and caring? In our heads we even create an elaborate picture of what we think he is going to do.
Then reality strikes and he takes you to the wrong restaurant, and gives you a gift you didn’t really want, and all of sudden you feel he doesn’t get you and he doesn’t even care.
When all the man was trying to do was love you, and if we had just thrown that entire picture of what we expected him to do out the window then we could have enjoyed and experienced the love he was trying to show.
Do you get the connection? We are now in an era of change. We are intelligent, strong, independent women and I so passionately believe that we should no longer be setting ourselves up for this kind of failure because of all the expectations, nor the people we love the most. Enough is enough.
We want happiness, we want love, and we want to feel secure, and connected. The path to that is to LOWER the bar and relax in order to feed your happiness, and the health of your relationship.
You will start to see the magic unfold in front of your eyes, believe me I have seen it. When you let things go and hold no resentment towards him for not doing something, he will gladly do everything you ask sometimes even without you asking. And more importantly without any arugments! Counterintuitive but TRUE.
Top 2 ways to remind yourself to lower the bar:
- Choose Happiness – Ask yourself in that moment when you are about to make a comment to your partner or to yourself, is it worth sacrificing your happiness and potentially another person’s to ensure you get what you want.
- Change Is A Sure Thing – Change is the only thing you can bank on in life, and our expectations prevent us from embracing it. So, when you hear yourself having a principal or standard come up, visualize throwing it out the window, and filling the room with love and light.
In summary, strive to be expectation free and live without the stress of them, once you relax, your man will too and he will do exactly what you ask of him.