Some of you are probably scratching your heads in confusion about the title of this article. That was the point. Most of us have it coded in our minds that arguing or having heated angry discussions with our significant other is a bad thing.
Many of us try to totally avoid this kind of conflict because part of us feels it could put the entire relationship at risk. Regardless of that feeling, each of us still have our “special” moments where something takes over, it almost feels like a monster, and we can’t help but get annoyed about the toilet seat being left up or the bed not being made, and begin to yell or nag. Have you ever stopped to think what is up with that?
Well, I am going to break it down for you. I am guessing that you have definitely experienced having a disagreement with your partner big or small, and afterwards feeling totally miserable about what was said to you by you or both. That feeling is the worst, but the reason we start an argument in the first place is because one person in the relationship is not feeling connected to the other.
The intensity of the argument is a barometer for the level of connection not felt at that moment in time in the relationship; the bigger the argument the more misunderstood someone or both people are feeling. So, what do we turn to in those moments is arguing. Because arguing is our access point to feeling connected to our partner.
Let me explain: a couple in a happy, loving, satisfying relationship is only in this state because both people feel connected to one another. For example, I have realized, when I get a chance to talk about my feelings and thoughts with my husband, I feel connected with him. So, the week’s where we achieve this connection we squabble the least. Weeks where we find little time together and I have little time or space to talk with him, those are the week’s I “stir the pot” and start an argument.
The reason this pattern takes place is not because I am a miserable person or because my relationship or my partner sucks. I do this because that is my way of forcing connection. I know, subconsciously, that after we have had a heated argument, we will find a way to make up. And I have to admit I love making up! The makeup part is where the connection is forged, and we feel close again. I believe that when a couple has this understanding and the power to see arguments differently they can easily and quickly lift themselves out of these situations and into a happier state of mind.
Here is a short exercise for you to solidify how this concept works:
*Know what connects you to your partner. It is different for everyone. This doesn’t require you to go to therapy to figure it out, simply think of a moment when you had a blissful time with your partner, then think about why that particular moment was fun. It could be that he/she took action (i.e. took you out on a date), it could be they said something special (i.e. you are a hot mama!), it could be how you both were interacting with one another (i.e. lovingly looking at one another). Pinpoint it. Then when a circumstance arises where you feel yourself getting angry, instead of acting on it ask yourself what do you really want, and ask for it. Simply put “I want to feel connected!”
*Also, remember this works both ways, if your partner is angry and causing an argument they want connection. Simply put, ask them what they need in that moment to feel that connection again.
I believe in practical tools to make relationships outrageously happy and satisfying, so try this out and see if it makes a difference in your relationships.