If you have ever experienced a break up in your life then this article is for you, that very break up could be affecting your relationship right now!
Are you on a mission to not get hurt? Most of us are wired to make sure we are careful about everything. We wear a seat belt when driving, we wear a helmet when riding a bike, and we even constantly wash our hands for fear of getting sick.
There are three parts of the human brain, logical, emotional, and survival. The survival portion of your brain is literally there to keep you safe. When you were five, even though your mom told you a million times not to go near the stove; one fine day you did, touched a hot pan and burnt yourself. This was programmed into your brain and because of that experience you never touched another hot pan again (at least not on purpose). It just takes one bad experience to be coded in our brains forever.
No matter what stage you are currently in your relationship, whether it be dating, girlfriend status, engaged, or married, if you have ever been broken up with, then the hurt, pain, depression that was felt by you has been seared into your brain.
We then spend the rest of our lives avoiding that kind of hurt just like the hot pan.
I found this out the hard way. My husband and I before getting married, dated for four years and then suddenly (for me, but it was in the making) he broke up with me. I spent the next 6 months in utter depression, over analyzing, and wishing and wanting him back.
Through my analysis I realized that I had somehow lost myself in my relationship and the reason we had broken up was because I wasn’t ME. I had turned into some demanding, nagging, catastrophe. The independent, intelligent, confident me had been lost.
When we got back together there were a lot of trust issues for me, although I knew he was the one. Would he do it again? How could he leave me? Was he sure this time around? These questions swirled around in my head, even though I had willingly wanted to get back together.
Even after getting married I had vowed that I would never lose myself again. I would remain my independent self to make sure I never get hurt like that again. The only problem was I had learned the wrong lesson; the lesson wasn’t about me finding my independence, it was about opening myself up to allow love in.
The missing link was APPRECIATION. I had failed to recognize that this man married me, not because he was forced to but because he loved me that much. I was so in my head and not in my heart that I missed all the signs. I was looking at everything he wasn’t doing, triggering the part of my brain that kept me in the same unhappy cycle of building walls around my heart. And I was already married!
So how did I change this cycle? It is simpler than you think. The walls began to dissolve through a shift in perspective.
Here is how you can shift your perspective (like I did):
- Feel your heart – remind yourself of what an open heart feels like. Think back when you first fell in love. When the very first “I love you” was exchanged, between you and him. How amazing did that feel? It was like your skin was the only thing keeping you from going everywhere at once. Feel that moment.
- Let appreciation flow – once you get into a space of feeling, this part is easier. Think of all the little or big moments he showed you he loved you, in his way. I think of things like him finding an apartment in the exact area of town I wanted to live in, or the hugs he would give me where I felt safe and secure. Remember 3 moments and hold onto them, and the appreciation will begin to flow.
- Heart conversation – after you begin to feel the appreciation and it is flowing. Have a conversation with him from the heart. Tell him what is bothering you honestly, from a place of love and understanding. If you even have the slightest feeling of “OMG will he ever do what I want”, then stop.
When you feel your heart and feel the appreciation for him, something miraculous happens: the appreciation begins to flow for you. And all of sudden the underlying voice in your head saying “you made a mistake being with him”, which is the survival brain goes away. That harsh voice realizes you knew what you were doing all along, and it gets quiet, and guess what happens…you get happy.