I got a question last week from Sneha who just broke up with her boyfriend of a year and half. This is what she writes :
I’m doing well generally but I get extreemeeelyyyyy stuck and frustrated sometimes when I think about how we won’t speak ever again! Or meet again!
When we broke up, he was against cutting connections but I said I want it at least for a bit. This was last Saturday. He’s not tried to get in touch even though he didn’t want to cut connections! That’s bothering me! He didn’t even fight to keep me around as a friend when he sooo wanted to! I don’t understand what to tell myself at such times! What do I do!!
Hard To Be Friends– First I am so proud of you for saying you need some time and space. Jumping from intimate relationship to “friends” simply doesn’t work. It is a way to hold onto something that you don’t want to let go of, but it kinda tears you up inside because the relationship has completely changed, and your feelings haven’t. So, kudos to you for voicing what you really wanted, even if it was on impulse at the time.
They Are Hurting Too – Now the tricky part is you made a choice after breaking up and you made it clear you didn’t want to have contact so ask yourself would you really want him to fight for you as a friend when you know it would hurt you so much inside. When you voice what you really want most men will listen and respect your wishes, at least men that respect your boundaries (this is a good thing). This does not, and I repeat does not mean he doesn’t care. Loving someone isn’t a switch you can turn on and off, trust me. As hard as it is for you it is for him, but everyone handles their hurt and pain differently.
Drown Yourself In Love – There are going to be constant thoughts of what is he doing, should I call him, should I text him, why isn’t he texting me, let me check Facebook. Why doesn’t he care? Does he not love me? These are normal thoughts when we break up with someone. When a break up occurs we are flooded with feelings of pain, and once we are hit with this pain we instantly revert back to a childlike state. Literally it feels like when we were little and you saw a toy that you just had to have or a dress or a cereal at the grocery store, we weren’t sure why, but it looked so cool, and then we ask our mom and she says no. And immediately we feel rejected not loved, we feel “why can’t I have it?” Then we either throw a tantrum or come up with ways to have it. But the flip side is, when you really wanted a toy and your mom bought it for you and then you played with it for like a day and then you were bored with it. This is the human condition when we can’t have something we want it more, when we have it the charm of it wears away.
So, resign yourself in knowing and believing he loved you and you loved him back. When you start to doubt what you had together your brain goes into overdrive and straight into “I can’t have that shiny new toy”. You feel rejected and unloved. Therefore, to minimize this trigger, simply choose to believe you weren’t crazy… you shared real feelings and emotions, and love, yet something wasn’t right and so you have chosen to let it go for now. Nothing in life is permanent, but for right now you have chosen to move forward.