I love talking about mending your relationships with your parents as the pathway to finding lasting love. It doesn’t matter if you are single or in a relationship — we all have the same problem of really letting someone love us fully.
And I believe that if you are parenting your parents, judging them, or feeling like you know more than them, then you definitely aren’t letting the love and support in from the people that were put on this planet to provide that to you.
And guess what? If you can’t let that in from them, how will you let it in from the man you love or even your children?
When I think back to when my husband, Hemal, and I were having problems in the first two years of our marriage, it is really interesting to see how the very same qualities I fell in love with, I hated when we weren’t doing so hot in our relationship. And I love those qualities to a whole other level now. How can that be?
Well, when talking with my client about her dad the other day, I realized what she learned was the same thing I had learned in my own relationship. She described how her dad was a super planner. He is someone that cannot just go with the flow. When planning family trips, he would have a Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C for backup just in case it rained, or the family didn’t get up on time, or they were just slow.
She was complaining about how her father has no room to “figure it out” once he gets somewhere. And the way this really bothered her was when she was younger, he would have strict rules for her and her sister. He would literally sometimes yell at her mom or her sister if they didn’t follow what he thought the plan should be.
Because I believe in us seeing the bigger picture when it comes to our parents, so that we can have more freedom in our relationships, I asked her what she loved about her dad. She then started to talk about how he can make these elaborate inventions, as an engineer, and they are so well made and elaborately done that is looks simple and effortless.
She then connected her own dots, which I LOVE. She said, “I get it. The very thing that I love about him has two sides. It can show up as being inflexible and always having a plan, and it can show up as an elaborate creative solution. They both come from the root of seeing all the pieces of a puzzle and how they best fit together.”
YES! She got it. I was so excited.
This is exactly what was going on with my husband and me when our relationship wasn’t the healthiest. His strength of researching, calculating, and assessing all options was what bugged the shit out of me. But when I first met him I loved it, because when he says something or makes a decision it is exactly the right choice.
I, on the other hand, fly by the seat of my pants sometimes. But this very quality of his that I loved was misconstrued to becoming negative when I really wasn’t letting the love fully in.
Now, it is again the thing I love the most about him, but the reason I love it even more now is because I know when and how to use it to my benefit.
I will tell you more about how I use it to my benefit next week! CLIFFHANGER!
This week’s Lovework is:
Think about your partner, or a parent, or a sibling. Ask yourself what drives you nuts about them, and what do you love about them? Then connect your own dots around how some of these aspects that drive you nuts and that you admire are rooted in the same quality.
This will instantly change your perspective and provide more space for you to love that person WAY more, and in turn increases your capacity to let love in.