You know I love telling you client stories and sharing the AHA moments I have in my conversations with them.
Last week, I had a half-day VIP session with a client, which is a 3-hour intensive. It is amazing how much shifts in 3 hours — it is like working together for 3 months in one day. Crazy amazing.
Anyhow, during the session, we were talking through how my client — let’s name her Kerry — owns her own business and feels like she is constantly working hard at work and then feeling like she also has to do it all in her personal relationships.
She is tired of being single and wants to be supported by a man she loves.
I totally get this! However, the red flag went up for me when she said she is consistently feeling like she has to do it all, and do it all on her own.
As we were talking through her relationship with her parents — because that is the root of really letting love and the man you want or have totally in — I started to see a pattern of her admiring her mom and dad for the fact they always have her back. Her dad especially exemplifies this, not only in his relationship with her, but with his entire family and his friends.
Side note: her mom and dad are still married, and she is close to both, but she is absolutely a daddy’s girl. She is 37 and still refers to herself this way.
I love it!
I dug a little deeper, and asked her why it is so important for her to feel like someone has her back, and she said, “Because then, I know that I am fully supported.”
The dots started connecting for me. When we admire something in our parents, we literally put them on a pedestal around that specific characteristic, and because she admired that same quality in mom and dad, it was especially strong.
When you place one or both parents on a pedestal, literally the way it shows up is you place a TON of pressure on yourself to be just like them in that way.
Usually you don’t give yourself credit for already being great in this area, and continue to feel there is more work to be done to continue to strive for it.
This was showing up in Kerry’s life in how she so desperately wanted a man to have her back, and somehow kept attracting men that didn’t.
The reason this was occurring for her was because she was putting so much pressure on herself to constantly uphold this value, of having someone else’s back, that there was no space for someone else (a man) to do this for her.
Hence, she was also consistently feeling like she has got to control and do it all in her life, and was tired of not having a man to support her.
This was a huge realization for her. In order to release the pressure from the tires around this topic, her Lovework was to talk with her father and start piecing together what the other side of the coin looks like when you constantly have someone else’s back.
She had to take her parents off the pedestal around this quality, because there are always two sides of the coin. Putting pressure on yourself to have someone’s back can come at a price, such as putting your own needs and wants last.
By creating freedom around this, she can stop feeling the need to take up all the “I have your back” space, and can allow a man to contribute to her in this way.
This week’s Lovework:
Take a good look at the qualities you admire in your parents (and even if you don’t think this is an issue for you, trust me, there is something in there you admire). Consider how you then put an incredible amount of pressure on yourself to also excel in this area.
Take a moment to acknowledge your true strength and ability in this area, and to let yourself off the hook of perfecting this quality. This will create the space needed for a man to come in and support you.
What quality of your parents do you admire? How can you see that quality in yourself? Please share below!