When my husband of two years said to me “I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” I reacted like most- I grovelled. I said I would change. Things would be different. I wouldn’t nag him so much, require so much, ask as much. I would keep it together all the time. I would do the things he wanted.
The best part of all of this grovelling was that he did not believe me AT ALL. Honestly, hours later I too knew that I didn’t mean anything I had said because it was all driven from desperation- desperate to keep what I had with my husband. Yet, what I was creating was anything but a healthy, happy relationship. I was just trying to dig myself out of a hole, but to my surprise, it was actually keeping us stuck in the hole.
I was devastated. Why was he so unhappy? What did I do wrong? How could I make it better? I was at a total loss.
I realized that not only was he unhappy, but for the first time in two years I admitted that I wasn’t happy as well.
This was the greatest admittance I could have made. Without it, I would have stayed in denial about how I really felt. I would have kept coming at my relationship from a space of “I need to make it work,” and “I need to change him” in order for the relationship to continue.
The problem with thinking I had to change him was the fact that I couldn’t! It was an incredibly powerless place to be. I knew that something needed to change, and thought our relationship would be more loving and understanding if HE changed.
It is incredible how a tweak in perception can change everything. I literally mean EVERYTHING. Once I admitted that I wasn’t happy either I began to see that it wasn’t just in my relationship, but in my life. I was so focused on having him be different that I had little room to have any focus on myself, further disconnecting me from my life.
I had forgotten what I loved, what I wanted, and what made me happy. I had hoped that once he changed I would have access or permission to fully live my life. What a crock of shit.
Living and thinking this way was holding me back from really having what I desired in my relationship. So, I shifted my perspective, and I was able to access EVERYTHING.
One major way I tapped into feeling more powerful in my relationship was to stop seeing my husband as…
A wounded bird:
Someone that needs guidance to live a more fulfilling life.
Someone who is emotionally stunted.
Someone that doesn’t quite get the things that I get culturally and spiritually
A very self-sufficient human being:
Someone that is fully capable.
Someone that is extremely intelligent.
Someone that is emotional, who loves and supports me in every way he knows how.
That inward shift in my perception of my husband took the burden off of me to keep him happy. It freed me from thinking that I needed to “save” him in order for me to have the supportive, romantic, passionate relationship that I knew I wanted.
By making this shift love had flow again. I was able to feel the love I had for him, and the love he had for me.
All of a sudden I saw changes taking place in my relationship. He was doing more with me saying less. He could energetically feel the shift. He felt and saw in my eyes the confidence I had in him. All he wanted was for me to believe in him… who doesn’t like to be believed in!
And the cherry on top of all of this was I had space to focus on me. I felt supported by him, allowing me to access my needs and wants.
Your Lovework is:
What is your intention with the people that are closest to you? Whether you are in a relationship or single, you have people in your life that you feel responsible for. You want the best for them, but thinking you have to save them, help them, or worry about them, is not helping them step into a powerful place. Believing that they can accomplish whatever they put there mind to and are fully capable allows them to feel more powerful.
Are you doing that with a good friend, your parents, or maybe your siblings? Pick one person and start to see them as capable, smart, and fully understanding individuals. This small tweak in perception will begin to rock your world with a new way of living and loving.
I would love to hear how you have used perspective to change the way you see people in your life. Leave your comments BELOW.