This morning I picked up the phone to talk with one of my beloved clients, let’s call her Kathy. If you were to meet her, she looks like a strong, independent, confident woman on the outside. She owns her own business, is beautiful, and is also single.
It sounds like she has all the “material” to have found a man by now, right?
Previously, Kathy was at one of my retreats. She asked for some feedback on how people perceive her. One woman spoke up and said to Kathy, “It blows my mind that you are still single because you are such a confident beautiful women. I don’t get it!”
As soon as Kathy heard those words, she was outraged. She was like, “I get that all the time, and I don’t get it.”
I intervened at the retreat and said that what so many women don’t get is that confidence is not the main ingredient in finding a man. A lot of people tout “Have more confidence, be yourself, and you will find him.” Well, I am here to tell you that isn’t true!
I mean, being confident and being yourself is super important, but most women aren’t in touch with what that REALLY feels like.
Why don’t they know what that really feels like?
Well, because in Kathy’s case, on the outside it seems like she IS confident, but on the inside she feels just as unsure, vulnerable, doubtful, and lacks confidence as the next person. That is why she so emphatically said, “I don’t get why I have people saying this to me all the time. I have days where I feel shitty!”
Previously, Kathy and I talked about a guy she is dating. She really likes him and when she really likes someone, she gets nervous like the rest of us, and stops saying what’s really on her mind. She started to get nervous that he might not understand how into him she is because she kept withdrawing. So, I told her to tell him that she liked him and that sometimes when she likes someone she has a tendency to withdraw. This is a method I so eloquently call calling yourself out so you are free from it. It never fails: when you call yourself out, something releases.
Last Friday, she met up with him. Before she could say what she wanted to say, he told her that they should just be friends. She was upset, rightfully so, and of course thought to herself that there was no reason to say anything now.
In general, it is very difficult for her to revel how she feels. Not because there is something wrong with her, but because as everything does, it comes back to her mom and dad. At a young age she was directly and indirectly shown by her mom that emotions are weak and messy. It wasn’t that her mom wanted her daughter to not feel anything, it is simply how Kathy’s mom survived her situation with her parents. She was raised by a single mom who was extremely busy, and there wasn’t much space for her emotions. Parents just want what is best for their children, which boils down to being safe, happy, and healthy.
After Kathy had her “I just want to be friends” experience, she asked me if I think that everyone has the same amount of self-esteem. I said YES. Kathy felt that getting vulnerable signified low self-esteem, and she didn’t want to look like she was “weak”. I explained that some people show they lack confidence and some show confidence, but either way, both are feeling the effects of doubt, fear and not wanting to be rejected. It is the human experience. Everyone is dealing with themselves, which means we all have equal self-esteem issues! You can finally let yourself off the hook; everyone is trying to understand themselves, and no one has perfected it.
She had a moment where she got it! She finally understood why so many people saw her as confident on the outside even though she didn’t feel that on the inside. It was because she was so busy judging herself for being “weak” and for having vulnerable feelings (such as liking someone) on the inside, that she defaulted to showing up confident on the exterior.
I then explained to Kathy that she needed to reveal how she felt to this man, even if he said he just wanted to be friends, because if she didn’t, she would regret it. She knew that this was something she needed to do and so she did just that.
This morning, she said that when she spoke with him and explained where she was coming from, he said “OHH, I didn’t realize that. I thought you saw me as a friend and so I thought there was no point in prolonging this!” He actually really wanted to know that she was into him, and because of her confident exterior and judging herself for being “weak” on the inside, he couldn’t FEEL what she was feeling.
The moral of the story: The secret ingredient to magnetizing men- vulnerability!
This week, get vulnerable with a man in your life, maybe your dad, brother, friend or even your date. How has being vulnerable helped you tap into love? I would love to hear your comments below!