My brother, Anand, came for the weekend and we had an absolute ball. We went bike riding in central park, stuffed our faces with food, and had great conversations. I love him so much, and felt so blessed to have such a wonderful wise-beyond-his-years brother in my life. He was totally right in giving me a hybrid bicycles buying guide, I’ve been looking at it at my own pace and the idea is growing in me.
In one of our in-depth conversations this past weekend, I asked my brother how his dating life is going. He is single and looking for love. One of his requirements in the kind of partner he is looking for is an Indian girl for cultural reasons.
He then revealed, through a disappointed heavy-hearted face, “I just don’t get it. When it comes to Indian women, they just aren’t attracted to me, but when it comes to women of other races they are all over me. I just don’t get it. “
Hearing him say this was mind-boggling because in my biased opinion, he is such a catch. So, the love coach that I am, I asked him more questions to get a sense of what might be going on for him. And what I initially realized is that when he is interacting with Indian women, there is the potential for something long-term. The mere idea that there could be more puts the pressure on, and stops him from having fun and ease. Whereas when he is interacting with other women, he isn’t concerned with what happens next, which allows him to be him. Hence why all the non-Indians are attracted to him.
I know you can resonate with this especially if you have asked yourself the question, “Why is it that the guys I like don’t like me, but the ones that I do like aren’t ready for anything committed?”
It is the same concept. Just having that potential of there being a relationship puts pressure on you, and has you showing up as someone other than your truest self. And this is causing a block with the men you really want.
When I told my brother this little insight, he was intrigued, but I could feel inside of me there was more to this story for him. In the middle of the night, it struck me. There was no room for a women to enter his life because energetically — and everything is energy, people — there was no space. My brother had two women — my mom and me — that were taking up all the room.
For you, the way this would look is: If you have your dad up on a pedestal, or you are acting like your mom’s partner if she is a single mom, or deep down you are scared that having a relationship will change your family dynamics, all of this leaves little room for a man to walk through the door.
So, in the morning I walked him through an exercise.
I realized that for my brother, there was a deeper fear he was unaware of that related to my mom and me. In fact, when I said to him that he had a fear of really meeting the one, his response was “I don’t think so, Kavita. I am ready, and I am not scared of anything.” I get responses like that often. I simply said, “Okay, just trust me on this. I will show you what I mean.”
I asked him, “If the girl of your dreams was at the door right now, what fears would come up for you?” And he said, “Well I would be scared about whether or not we would be compatible.” I said, “Okay. Well, let’s say it’s the perfect girl for you – compatibility, chemistry, and all. Then, what concerns would come up for you in terms of how she is with you or our family?”
Immediately, without thinking too much he said, “Well, I am concerned that mom might not get along with her.”
Bingo. That is what I was looking for, and Anand got where I was going with this.
My mom does have a strong personality, and logically, my brother knew it wasn’t going to be a problem, because he knows she wants him to be happy. However, emotionally there was a disconnect for him.
So I grabbed a piece of paper and had him list all of his fears about his wife and our mom not getting along. Then, I had him list all of his fears about his wife and me not getting along.
As soon as we got the fears on paper, I asked him if he felt more space. He said, “YES! I didn’t know all that was going on inside of me.”
Then I went on to tell him that all of his fears about his wife and me getting along would never happen. My first priority is to ensure that my relationship with him and his wife is always good, and I will do anything to make that happen. He cried, I cried, and even more space was created!
His Lovework was to then talk to mom and clear things up. So he did. And my mom of course said that she will love his wife like her own daughter. That opened up gigantic amounts of space.
Now there is room for his future wife to walk through the door.
Release the hidden fears about finding the one so you can create space for him to dance into your life.
So, your Lovework this week is to walk yourself through the same exercise I walked my brother through. List out ALL your fears about the love of your life walking through that door. What fears do you have, deep down, around how he will get along with or be accepted by your family? Write them all down. Then, talk to those people in your life and get your fears cleared up.
We are creating the energetic space for your man to dance into your life.
So did this ring true for you? What are your true fears about meeting the love of your life? Share with me in the comments below!