Last Saturday night, over some yummy veggie sushi and great conversation, my friend Melissa’s friend Leslie leaned over and said, “Can I ask you a question, Kavita?” I said, “Absolutely!” I love questions because it is our way of being seekers of truth in our lives. I am all for that!
Well, Leslie asked a great question. She said, “Okay there is this guy that I have incredible physical chemistry with. The sex is out of this world, and super connected. But he lives in LA and I live here in NYC. We see each other often enough because we travel. I am a city girl, I love being in the city, eating at nice restaurants, and connecting with friends over drinks. He is an outdoorsy kind of person. He loves hiking, sports, and is more of a homebody. So, my question is: I don’t think it will work long-term because our interests are just too different. Do you think that has a factor in why we aren’t necessarily emotionally connecting?”
This question was awesome because I hear women say this all the time. If we don’t have the same interests, it just isn’t going to work. There’s a myth out there that to have a relationship that’s connected and lasting, your interests in life have to line up. This is so not true.
So I said to Leslie, “Just because you don’t have the same interests and are opposites when it comes to the way your lifestyles are doesn’t mean that you can’t emotionally connect. You, in particular, are using this as a way to specifically not connect.”
Melissa jumped in and said, “I have been telling her that!” Leslie said, “Well I get that, but honestly I think one of the most important things in a relationship is to have your interests line up.”
I could tell what I was saying wasn’t going in. Not because she didn’t want it to – it was because her belief that interests have to be there in order to connect was so strong.
I asked her point blank: “Would you like to have the relationship your parents have?” She said no. I said, “Okay, why?” She said, “Because they don’t have a relationship that I would have ever wanted. They were like strangers living together. They didn’t have anything in common and because of that, they just never got one another or were on the same page.”
I said, “Exactly. So you believe that if you have common interests then that guarantees a love match and connection.” She smiled and was like “OMG, you’re right. I never realized that I felt this strongly about having the same interests because I watched my parents not have this. “
“Yup,” I jumped in and said, “And you are actually using that as a way not to connect to potential men that you like. You simply say early on, well we aren’t a match because our lifestyle is different and then you stop yourself from even trying to emotionally connect.”
Leslie got it. It was like a light bulb went off and she suddenly got clear.
I said, “To get over this, what you want to do is start to see how your parents actually are on the same page. And find out how they did have common interests when they were dating and falling in love.”
When you shift your perspective, the veil of untruth is lifted, and you can see people more clearly. (Tweet this.)
I then reinforced that a relationship can be even better when two people have different interests because you can challenge each other to dabble in activities that you wouldn’t necessarily have done on your own.
For Leslie, it was just important to stop blocking love by making assumptions. And, to actually give herself permission to open up and get vulnerable so with this particular man, she can really see if they have the emotional chemistry as well as the physical chemistry. If she then realizes the emotional chemistry isn’t there, then she gave it her all.
Your Lovework this week is to ask yourself:
Is there one belief you have that you use to immediately stop yourself from connecting with men? Maybe it is that he needs to be financially well off, or he has to show up put together, or he needs to be as ambitious and driven like you are. Then ask yourself: Does this have anything to do with the way you saw your parents relate to one another?
Simply connecting this will shift your perspective of how you are approaching your love life.
I would love to hear from you. Do you struggle with having both the emotional and physical connection with men, and why do you think that is? Tell me your comments below.