I was pretty upset this week. Unfortunately, my friend and client was given a lot of bad advice on love from people that care for her and mean well, but don’t understand the importance of her authentically expressing herself with men. Here is what happened.
She (let’s call her Veronica) met a handsome man while out at a high profile event. Veronica was introduced to him through a friend and instantly felt a connection that totally caught her off guard. She doesn’t often feel a spark with men, but as they talked she sensed something special about him. She left the party totally smitten.
Later, her friend reached out to him to see if he was interested in Veronica and he simply said, “I am just extremely busy and don’t really have space for dating right now. I should start to free up in the fall.” Veronica received this information, but knew in her heart of hearts that she hadn’t felt like this about a man in a while.
So, with her spark of hope and a little encouragement, she reached out and invited him to a party she was hosting for her business. Since she was inviting many others to attend, she felt it would be a safe way to see if he was interested and wanted to connect again.
He couldn’t come that evening because he was legitimately held up at work. This wasn’t one of those excuse type situations. He did email her to say that he was sorry he couldn’t make it and that he hoped the event went well. Veronica was happy that he responded, but was disappointed that he hadn’t mentioned that he would like to take her out.
After they exchanged a few emails, she called me and asked what she should she do. She could see he was responding, but he wasn’t taking any steps to ask her out. So, I said to her, “You should ask him if he would like to grab a bite sometime.” Veronica gasped and said, “That is the last thing I want to do. I want him pursuing me. I don’t want to look too available.”
I explained that expressing what you want doesn’t make you seem too available. It shows you are willing to honor your desires. She wasn’t buying it.
Over the weekend, she talked to a bunch of friends about what to do. They all said, “Let him come to you. He should ask you out. Be in your feminine energy and know you deserve him coming to you.”
When Veronica and I talked again on Monday, she shared that her friends essentially told her to do the opposite of what I said. This isn’t the first time I have heard this. 😉
In response, I launched into the truth about why looking unavailable doesn’t work. First and foremost, you are coming at potential love from a space of fear, scared to actually reveal your desires. This only results in you waiting and wishing for something that he has no clue you want. It also causes you to hold onto a fantasy that he may not be interested in fulfilling and now you are left hoping for it to be different.
Honoring yourself in the dating process requires that you fully express yourself and your desires. By asking for what you want, you take a stand for what you deserve in love and show you are committed to living in agreement with your truth.
Veronica was scared that if she reached out first, she would attract a guy that wasn’t confident, romantic, or willing to show her how much he cares. NOT TRUE. In fact, the more you play by these kinds of rules, the more you attract in men that aren’t willing to commit because the ones that want to commit are the ones that aren’t playing by these rules. Like attracts like.
If I hadn’t expressed myself and known what I deserve in love, I wouldn’t be married to Hemal today. He will attest to that. By me being open about who I am and what I value, he was able to get to know me in a way that initially was scary for him, but led to a deeper connection.
The Lovework for you this week to F**K the rules! They don’t work. I know I am getting super bold. I want you to feel empowered and lead with love when it comes to dating and meeting men, because that will always result in good love karma. And the key to that is expressing yourself and getting vulnerable.