Many of you have heard my story with Hemal, and how he broke up with me after dating for 4 years. And many of you have written me and asked “Kavita, how did you get him back?”
About a year after breaking up, Hemal wanted to take me out for dinner for my birthday. I decided this was my chance! I would finally get him back. I went in with a total game plan and strategy for how things would go. These were literally my thoughts before the dinner:
What can I wear so I look so good that he regrets his decision?
What do I say so he gets that I’ve moved on?
How do I convince him that I am still the one for him, but not come on so strong?
During that dinner I totally cried and broke down, (oh yes, in front of him!) because all the strategizing and trying to control myself was just a show and wasn’t me. I don’t know how to be something I am not, so I broke down. And even though he asked to take me out, he still didn’t have any intention of being in a relationship or changing where we were at. After that I felt horrible. I was embarrassed that it was almost a year and I still wasn’t over it. I felt dumb. I felt totally rejected again. I was wondering why I went to dinner and put myself in that position.
A few months later, when Hemal’s birthday rolled around, I wanted to take him out like he did for me. I wanted to because I still loved him and wanted to celebrate his birthday with him, no matter what our “status”. I didn’t do any strategizing and I didn’t really stress about it at all. I was in a much better headspace about our relationship, and was happy to just spend the time with him.
I felt this way because I was feeling good in my life. I moved to New York City, where I’d always wanted to live, and worked for a small company in the city doing exactly what I wanted to do. I felt like I was finally living my dream – I was in an amazing city, had a great job, was surrounded by friends, and had been dating. I no longer needed him, I just cared for him.
When we went to dinner, Hemal was surprised. I don’t think he had any expectations for what dinner would be like, but he was surprised about how okay and genuinely happy I was. I wasn’t forcing or strategizing or controlling anything this time, and he could feel it.
It hit him after the dinner, when we both went our separate ways, that he may lose me and that I may now move on. That is when he started to come back to me, even though I didn’t know it yet.
The main part of this story that is important to note is that he still had feelings for me. I didn’t know that at the time, but it was there.
Fast forward a bit to my friend’s birthday party. I invited Hemal because we were all mutual friends. When he came, he pulled me aside and told me he wanted to get back together. This is the LAST thing I expected! I asked him if he was serious and if he knew what getting back together meant for us. He said he did. He understood that if we were going to take that step, we would both be holding the intention of working towards marriage.
I found myself in a place of a lot of fears. Could I trust him? Should I Trust him? How would I know if he was going break up with me again? But at the end of the day, I knew I had feelings for him that ran deep. So I took a leap of faith even though I wasn’t sure. That leap brought me to the most amazing relationship and life that I have today.
To a loving man that supports and makes my dreams happen every single day.
A man that challenges me and keeps me on my toes, and makes me laugh when I need it.
A man that supports everything I do and requires very little from me.
A man that is powerful and confident.
It was terrifying to trust myself and my intuition and decide to take him back. And it required a leap of faith. I had no idea if he would do this to me again. I had to close my eyes and jump, and trust that there was a net no matter what.
What I want you to understand is that we are always in our heads. We are over analyzing everything to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We keep a wall up to protect ourselves and make men jump through hoops to try to break it down, or we don’t even give them a chance to try. This means there is no opening for love.
Tell me below in the comments what you are unknowingly doing that is pushing love away.