I just got back from the Dominican where I attended a conference called Awesomeness Fest. Yes that is the real name and it was ridiculously fun!
Kiva (my roomie) and I were on a catamaran in the middle of the ocean. She was the one that told me, “You have got to come to this event!” and I am so grateful to her because I had the time of my life.
Today I want to share with you a tool you can use to really know if a man is right or wrong for you.
My client Corinne has been seeing a guy she really likes. He is so much of what she has been asking for. He pursued her, has planned their dates, and recently asked her to be his girlfriend. She really likes him and with that has come a lot of fear, so she came to me because she doesn’t know if she should say YES. I asked her what her main concern was and she said she’s worried because he just sold his company and is in a “figuring himself out” phase of life. All of these fears were coming up for her because not too long ago she was also in a place of uncertainty with her life and career, and it caused a lot of problems in the relationship she was in at the time.
Because she witnessed herself pull away from her relationship when she wasn’t clear in her life, she assumed that was going to happen in this situation. She allowed the fear to be real and assumed that he would potentially do the same thing she did. She didn’t know she was using what she had done in her past as an indicator for him to do the same to her, when it is so not true!
I told Corinne to ask her guy if he feels like his lack of clarity in his life is impacting him in the relationship. He said absolutely not.
Making these assumptions on how people will respond is not uncommon. I have done the same thing!
My best friend and I have a great relationship. And for most of our relationship, I have been the one that calls more, initiates plans, and checks in. My friend on the other hand is basically someone who will not really reach out unless there is a bigger event happening in her life. She doesn’t crave that frequent connection as much as I do.
For so long I would go through this cycle of getting really angry at her and thinking things like, “She doesn’t care,” “She doesn’t love me,” and “We’re not really best friends” because she wasn’t reciprocating and connecting the way I wanted. I would confront her about this, it would lead to a heated discussion, and nothing would change.
What I realized is that everyone’s barometer around how we connect with people and how it feeds us is different. We can’t use ourselves as the point of reference for the way every one else will react to things. We’re assuming that our feelings and our reactions are the other person’s feelings and reactions, and this is rarely the case.
When we make that comparison, what we’re literally doing is shutting down the flow of love. I was having an entire dialogue in my head about how my friend didn’t love me, meanwhile all she has for me is nothing but love.
There are probably ways you are making these assumptions and cutting off the love that already exists in your life right now too.
Your lovework for this week is to pick one relationship in your life where you’re feeling like you’re not getting as much as you’re giving or maybe you have some doubts.
Ask yourself if you’re assuming that they don’t care about you or can’t be with you. Do you feel like they’re not responding the way you would or are you assuming that they are feeling things you would have felt in a similar scenario?
Acknowledge this, and then ask them the question you need for clarity. You can use either of these scripted sentences:
“I am assuming you feel like _____ because that is what I have done and felt in the past. Is that true for you?”
“I do ____ when I really like someone. Is that what you do?”
I want you to feel the love again! And the only way to make that happen is to get clear.
Down below tell me the statement you are going to use, and then go tell that person!