Do you get emotional before your birthday hits? Well, December 18th is my birthday and this week has been an emotional one! I love getting older because it means that with each year that goes by I step into more of who I want to be, I feel wiser, and I honor the experiences (good and bad) that have gotten me to this point in my life. So, for me it isn’t getting older that hit me, it was something bigger than that.
Being a strong, independent, woman can be a blessing and a curse. Let me tell you what I mean.
I was getting ready to plan my birthday party about a month ago and a good friend of mine, Rashi, so graciously offered to plan it for me. I said to myself, “Let her plan it, she is fabulous at throwing parties! She is reliable and an impeccable planner.” I thought, “Kavita RECEIVE this gift from her” and took her up on her offer.
But before she even offered, I had a vision for my party. I knew where I wanted to have it, and I knew I wanted it to be a DAY party. Instead of going out to a bar or lounge here in NYC and staying out until late at night (which I can’t do anymore) I wanted a DJ, everyone I love around me, dancing, and fun during the day.
This is where it got tricky. Rashi gave me lots of options bless her heart, and I freaked out when it came to making the final decisions. I kept thinking, “Hmm, given the budget and what’s convenient for others I “should” do this.” Suddenly what I knew inside I wanted I started denying.
I was totally confused about what to do and I went into control mode. I was like, “Holy crap I feel totally overwhelmed” so told Rashi I would handle everything because I didn’t know what else to do. I obsessed over the decisions for a good 2 weeks, and it was weighing on me. You would have thought that I was trying to solve world hunger!
I ended up taking lots of advice from Rashi and Hemal (my husband) and got everything together according to my plan. It felt better. Then this week I started worrying again. I called Hemal and told him I was stressing about how much we were spending and if people were going to have a good time. I asked him if he thought it was all going to be worth it.
By the way, this is the first time I told him about any of the things I was worried about (three days before the party). All I wanted to hear from him was that it didn’t matter how much we spend and that it is going to be super fun. I wanted him to read my mind. So when he responded by saying something other than that, I got upset. I got so upset that I went to the place of “No one gets me! I always have to understand everyone else and I’m out here by myself – that isn’t fair.”
Hemal had to run off to a meeting, so we hung up when I was in middle of crying. I texted him saying “I know you have a lot on your plate and I try to be there for you emotionally. Yet when I need some emotional support you aren’t here for me the same way.” He called back right after his meeting and said, “You are so right. You are so strong so much of the time I forget you need that from me sometimes.”
That’s when I realized 2 things that are also super important for you because this is what’s happening when you are meeting confident high quality men, and why they aren’t sticking around:
1. Denying what I knew I wanted all along to accommodate everyone else’s thoughts and opinions overwhelmed me. Overwhelm lead to trying to control everything. Controlling everything lead to me feeling isolated and alone.
2. Worrying in my head the entire time, and not really letting people into my inner most thoughts sets me up to “look strong” but doesn’t set me up to feel supported emotionally or physically.
All I needed to do was:
1. Follow my vision
2. Own what I wanted
3. Express it
4. Ask for help to make that happen
When you are interacting with men step 4 is essential. They love feeling like they can support you because it makes them feel like a man and know they are contributing to your happiness. Whether you are in a relationship or you are meeting a man for the first time, letting them in on what you want and need doesn’t scare them away, it triggers their instinct to want to help support you.
Let’s put this into action for you right now.
Here is your Lovework for this week:
Are you feeling stressed and overwhelmed about making a decision in your life right now?
Are you debating:
What gift to get your mom for the holidays
What food to make for a party
Which invite to accept for your New Years Eve Plans
Then tell me who you’re going to get involved to help you make that decision below.
I want you to answer this question because I know being an independent woman myself that we are not that great at receiving. Receiving is the key to a man’s heart. It is when we are in our feminine, which is what comes forth in the act of receiving that the man can be the man and you can feel taken care of as a women. Isn’t that all we want?! 🙂