During the LIVE Q&A portion of my Love Class, 3 Secrets to Making a Lasting Impression on a Man You Like, there were several questions from women asking me “What can I do to grab back the attention of the man I am with or was with?”
This was really interesting to me because I not only saw myself in them but I realized that as women we often do A LOT of waiting around for the man.
So here is what’s scary to me.
Amazing, beautiful, loving women are WAITING for men who are confused, too busy for them, or emotionally unavailable to give them the time energy and attention they deserve.
I am definitely not judging because I was the same woman with Hemal.
After this Love Class, I wanted to get to the bottom of this and remember why I had done the same thing.
When Hemal first broke up with me, I was totally devastated. I had even convinced myself that he didn’t really mean it, that he would come around, and that the love we shared couldn’t have been lost.
I put my life on PAUSE and waited for 6 months because:
I loved him
We shared our lives, hopes, and dreams with one another
He was the only one that could understand me
I was afraid of being ALONE
It was like hanging on to the idea of him, overanalyzing everything, and blaming myself for doing something to push him away was easier and less traumatizing than really asking myself, “Do I deserve to put myself through this?”
My dad taught me to always have a relationship where the guy loves you more than you love the guy. Yup, words of wisdom from my Papaar, as I call him.
What he means by this sentence isn’t that you settle because the guy loves you more. This is about the guy loving you just slightly more than you love him.
Well when you have that, this is when you are always in the space of valuing yourself and realizing what you deserve. With that comes EASE in relationships.
After going through that experience with Hemal where I was on the side of vying for his attention, love, and affection (literally trying everything I could think of) and now transitioning a relationships where I catch him starring at me and asking himself how he got so lucky, I have experienced what my dad was saying.
Listen, being in love (or like) is not simple.
It is a complex web of desires, feelings, fears, and insecurities. That is why you need support to understand and untangle all of that so you can come to clarity and peace for yourself.
Because simply saying to yourself, “Let him go, don’t think about him and move on” (which your loving family and friends will also say to you) isn’t going to actually help you let him go emotionally so that you are really open to new love.
What will help you is always expressing what you want in the most loving and vulnerable way possible.
I’m going to use the questions from the Love Class and the answers I gave as examples for how you can do this for yourself in your own love life.
Guest: My ex husband and I are now divorced. He asked for the divorce, and I am wondering how I know when I am ready to put myself out there again and start dating or if I should wait to see if he comes around? He says he is still confused and unsure of what he wants.
Kavita: Have you told him how much you love him?
Guest: Yes. I said to him that I am done waiting, and I do want to be back together so it is either now or never.
Kavita:.That is an ultimatum that isn’t you telling him how much you love him.
Kavita: So, write him or tell him why you choose him to be your husband, why you have loved him all these years, and what about him makes you feel good about you and life.
And make sure when you are saying or writing this letter there is very little implying of, “I need to convince him to come around.” It is simply from the place of I wanted to make sure you knew what was in my heart.
Through letting him know this something will shift for both you and him, because you are leading in getting vulnerable which gives him permission to let you in on his truth.
Guest: I have been dating my boyfriend exclusively for 6 months, and have a long distance relationship. The first 3 months were going really well, we were talking everyday and communicating with ease. Then over the last 3 months he has pulled back. He hasn’t called as much, which is extremely hard when you are long distance, and when I ask him what happened, he just says he is really really busy. What can I do to get back to how we were in the first 3 months?
Kavita: This is very similar to the first question. Get vulnerable and say to him, “If your feelings about me have changed I can handle that, but saying that you are too busy to speak to me just hurts.”
Guest: I have been dating this man who is super successful and was an executive for a Fortune 500 company. He recently lost his job, and once that happened, our texting and calling went from regular to irregular. He is still in contact with me, but he seems much more distant. What can I do to go back to the way things were?
Kavita: Relate to him losing his job.
Guest: I have. I just don’t want to mother him. I have been telling him he is going to make it through this and have stayed positive.
Kavita: Funny you said that! What you just described to me was mothering him. Like you needed to pump him up because he was so down and out. Have you lost your job before?
Kavita: Okay great then tell him that and how awful it felt. That’s it.
You can probably relate to all of these women’s stories in some way – recognizing a time in your life that you have allowed yourself to wait for a man to come around.
The next time this happens to you, ask yourself, “Do I deserve this?” and then get vulnerable like I helped these women do so you can be clear on the next step you need to take for YOU.
This week, your Lovework is to tell me in the comments below if you’ve ever waited for a man or allowed his excuses to be your excuse for waiting around.
What did you do to help yourself through the situation? Do you see any of the suggestions I gave to these women as being helpful for something you’ve gone through?
I want to hear!