I had such a fun time this week speaking at two events in New York City!
It was great to be home for the week and connect with friends and colleagues that I’ve missed while I’ve been out in LA.
At one of the events, THE WSDM Man Panel, a woman came up to me and asked a question after I spoke that I wanted to share with you. It’s something I hear from smart, successful women all the time!
Carol came up to me and said, “I’m totally in line with what you were saying about women hiding behind the idea of being too busy with work to find love. I have been so engrossed in my work for the last few years and I didn’t even realize I was using it as an excuse to not have a love life.”
I thought this was so great, because I know how easy it is for women like us to lose ourselves in work – we dedicate so much time and energy to our success that we can forget how much we deserve love. And how much at the end of each day we yearn for it.
Carol continued to say, “I decided to finally take control of my love life and hire a matchmaker. I’m ready to have love!”
When she said that it struck me in that moment because she WAS taking a huge step in putting herself out there, and it’s a great start.
I have so many amazing friends and colleagues who are matchmakers and I highly recommend matchmakers it can make the process of meeting a man easier.
But they would agree with me when I say:
There is so much more to finding and keeping the relationship that’s made for you than just meeting them.
So many of us believe that if we just got ourselves online, hire a matchmaker, or go to all the right places where the single, high quality men hang out, that would be it for us.
We think we aren’t doing that enough, or aren’t going to the “right” places.
That the profile would be created, the match would be made – and poof! True love.
I thought that too. I thought that after I “figured out” all of the things I did wrong with Hemal (by myself) after he broke up with me the first time, that if he did come back everything would be different.
I wrote out all the things I could have done better in the relationship and how it impacted him and I. I figured out that I needed to be less stubborn and more appreciative of Hemal because that was what he needed.
We got married, and I just figured none of that would ever come up for me again because I was open to our relationship being new and improved. I was self aware now, and realized a ton.
So not true.
I would watch myself getting angry at Hemal, and know I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t stop it.
It was as if someone else had taken over my emotions, and that I was locked inside saying, “Don’t get mad! that isn’t going to help anything.”
Logically figuring out what our problems were was a start, but it wasn’t enough to create lasting change.
I had to get support, and not try to figure it out alone.
When I did that, I was able to see all the ways I wasn’t open and how I was unknowingly sabotaging love.
I wouldn’t of ever been able to see it for myself.
THIS is where I see so many women like Carol get stuck.
So I told Carol that I thought it was great she has taken this step to finding love by hiring a matchmaker, but that she needs to make sure she is truly open to love happening for her if she wants to see results.
She asked me, “Well what do you mean by open? I’m pretty sure I’m there. I’m ready to have an amazing relationship with a man.”
Like me (and so many of you ladies out there too) Carol believed she was open and ready for the the kind of relationship and love she always wanted.
But when I dug deeper she revealed that she would be afraid to send a man a smile from across the room.
Or that when a man comes up to her, she has no idea what to say and freezes up, worried if she’s saying or doing the right things.
Do you get the idea here?
These fears are signs that something is stopping you from showing up like yourself.
Nothing more nothing less.
You can make the Match.com profile and get set up, but if you are still holding on to fears that are keeping us closed off, you’ll never be able to let big love in, just like me.
One of the best places to start is around the energy you are offering when you are around a man.
So in those moments when you are in front of a man who might be making you a little bit nervous, the energy I want you to have can be honed by using this one mindset shift.
I want you to think:
How can I stay engaged and just connect to this person in this moment? Even If I never meet him again, how can I express and be myself? He’s just another human being, there’s no pressure here in simply connecting.
Lady, men are just as nervous as you are in those first moments, if not more.
90% of who we are as men and women is the same. we just want to be understood, loved, supported and taken care of.
The 10% is just what makes us male and what makes us female.
So tell him a funny story, tell him about times that you’ve been to the same restaurant or bar with friends.
Whatever it is, just focus on connecting.
When those thoughts come up of, “What is he thinking about me?” or “Is he judging me right now?” (and they will, it’s totally normal) just remember:
All you are doing is connecting with another human being.
When you’re in this place of feeling easy, energetic, confident, and one with yourself, that’s when the right men come forward.
You need to tap into this place first.
If you just keep thinking that if you go out more, go online more, or meet more men and that’s your path to meeting someone and making your love life look different, that’s not going to get you to where you want to be.
If you’re reading this, that means you’re ready to do more than just the easy stuff like show up at the bar.
You’re ready to dive in to the places that you need to clear out so that the REAL men step forward.
No more asking your friends for advice when they don’t even have a relationship you admire.
No more letting the pressure from family or married friends trick you into thinking that it’s not possible to have everything you want.
Your Lovework this week is to really tell me:
If you are single and looking for love, what’s stopping you from investing in yourself?
I want to hear about what those inner most thoughts are in the comments below.