Happy belated V-Day! I love V-day because it is simply a day of love. That’s it. I don’t like all the pressure that comes with it, even for people in relationships.
So instead of talking about how inadequate V-day can feel, I am going to get you back into a place of feeling empowered around your love life.
I’m sharing 3 steps you can take to feel sane and anxiety free around a man you currently like (keep reading).
And I do have to say that when I take a look at the amazing group of women who have joined my Meet the Man Who’s Made for You program I can’t help but feel totally filled up and blessed to be able to help even more women find love.
They received their first video yesterday!
I heard from many women who wanted to know more about what I had revealed in my last email.
I got into how one of the biggest mistakes I see women make is that they try to control what the outcome will be with a man before they even know him.
But what do I mean by that?
Basically, it is when we as women are so scared that we aren’t going to have the outcome we want (especially with the men we like), so we try to devise a plane or a series of stories to either talk ourselves into or out of things.
For example, I was talking to a friend of mine, let’s call her Angela, who was set up by two friends to go on two separate dates in the same week.
The first guy was on top of everything.
He planned dinner early in the week, set up everything and was what Angela called, “really on top of his game”.
The other guy not so much. He asked Angela if she wanted to meet for drinks.
Angela called me and said:
“Why am I going to get all dressed up just for drinks? What does that kind of date even mean? He must not care that much or is cheap.
The other guy is so much more put together and he clearly has his sh*t together. Right now there’s a distinct winner in my mind here.
Isn’t that weird and should I even go if he isn’t willing to take me out to dinner?”
I told her to go on both dates as planned.
So she did. Literally what happened was that she knew right after the date with the guy who was the “planner” that he wasn’t right for her.
And guess what? Mr. Drinks was the best first date she’s ever had.
When we’re in our heads and we assume that we’re getting all these “clues” about men without knowing them or finding out what could happen, we really can end up reacting in a way that will have us judge a good man away.
I’m going to get into how to shift this in just a second, but here’s another example:
I remember I was in a text-dating relationship with one guy.
We literally never talked on the phone and would predominantly communicate through text (and this was before smart phones).
I remember this one day being in NYC, we had tentatively made plans for dinner one night, and he hadn’t confirmed.
I waited and waited to see if he texted. I was anxious all day.
Looking at my phone every 5 seconds and this was while I was out with friends.
One of my friends invited me over for dinner and she lived in NJ. I told her I would come if he didn’t text me with final plans for the night.
I remember literally waiting by the phone, waiting for a text near the subway going to NJ, for an hour.
And when he didn’t receive anything I text him saying, “Going to NJ for dinner, have a great night.”
He responded and said, “Okay, have a nice night” and we didn’t talk again.
Now, it was weird of me because I was totally passive aggressive.
He didn’t know I was waiting all day for a text confirmation, so what was he supposed to say?
But the truth is if he was really into me, I am sure he would have confirmed because in the beginning he was on top of his game.
But this one particular time I tried to CONTROL myself by waiting and waiting.
When I simply could have written him and said, “Just wondering if we are still on for dinner?”
Literally my anxiety, everything would have melted away.
Have you been there, done that?
Well, the thing is that we are trying to CONTROL the outcome and with that we are putting ourselves through a ton of drama.
Want to know my 3 secrets to ridding yourself of the drama, so that you can stay sane and show up confident with men?
Follow these 3 steps, each one builds off of the next:
Step 1) Don’t assume anything.
I’ve known Hemal for 14 years and one rule of thumb we have in our relationship is not to assume anything. When you assume, you could be COMPLETELY wrong, just like Angela was about Mr. Drinks.
It is just so much easier because when you catch yourself making an assumption, and then say, “hmm I don’t actually know”, there is an opening for you to check in with the person.
When you do that you become aware of where that person might be emotionally or physically.
Instead of creating a story that doesn’t exist which is typically riddled with ways to sabotage a connection.
Or creating a story because it is something you have experienced with men in the past.
Again: Assume nothing. Think:
“I have no idea what is possible. If i have no idea what is possible, what can open up for me?”
Step 2) ASK
When you catch yourself thinking “Does he mean this or that…?” and you try to figure out what he is thinking in your own head, or ask friends what they think it just confuses you even more.
This cycle disconnects you from your own intuition and truth and gets you reeling in your head about what he REALLY meant.
What can you actually express to this person?
For example, in my scenario, if I had just asked about our dinner plans, I could have saved myself an entire day of going painstakingly back and forth in my head.
I know we put off asking because we are super scared to hear the answer.
But the “path of least resistance” (aka doing nothing), can actually cause you more drama and anxiety.
You will feel uncomfortable in the moment you ask the question, but then once you get an answer it is PURE RELIEF and you can move forward.
So when you catch yourself in an assumption like I mentioned above, simply ask, “What did you mean by…?” or, “Were you being sarcastic or serious in your text?” it gives you a gateway to really checking in and learning more about him, or moving on.
Step 3) One text message can’t throw an entire connection off
So often we make it out to be that one text message line can make or break our entire connection with somebody.
We put so much emphasis on what we write and say, and beat ourselves up A LOT when we don’t get a response that we thought we should get (again controlling).
That’s why we go on that rollercoaster ride of, “Did i mess it up? Did I say something stupid? Now he’s going to think I’m an idiot/crazy/needy mess.”
To that I say: It’s not a big deal!
If someone is genuinely interested in you and you’re genuinely interested in them, there’s nothing you could really say to mess it up.
I PROMISE you.
There is so much more to two people meeting than what you are writing in a text message or what you are saying on the phone or in person.
There are non verbal cues we are unconsciously looking for. We are connecting to someone’s energy and many times there is a spiritual purpose to you meeting someone.
So these 3 steps will take you from trying to control everything in your head to asking yourself what’s true for you.
AKA listening and tapping back into your intuition, and when you can’t really read your intuition, you ASK.
Asking from an unassuming, unapologetic place allows you to reveal and express yourself in a totally confident way or you simply take the pressure off yourself and the situation.
These 3 steps have saved my relationship but it wasn’t an overnight process.
Many times I didn’t even know I was in the midst of an assumption or that I just made up a story because of what I had experienced in the past with a man I liked.
And I know, as smart, strong women we are totally oblivious or super scared to say something because we have to get vulnerable.
It’s important to understand how to get a man to respond to you in a specific way, while still retaining and being EXACTLY who you are.
Because they respond even quicker to that.
I want you to be able to say what you want to say, when you want to say it, how you want to say it from a place of confidence.
That way, you can literally ask a man ANYTHING from that place and feel awesome about it.
I have helped hundreds of women feel this sense of confidence with themselves again.
Who realize more of who they naturally are, so that they attract in someone that get’s that, versus denies it.
That is priceless in my opinion.