When you go out on a date, do you have problems letting the guy pay because it feels like you may then owe him something?
When you need help with something in your life, maybe you don’t really ask friends and family because you don’t want them being burdened by your request or you feel like you have to lend a hand back for something?
You simply believe that you should be able to do it all.
Well, if you identify with any of the above sentiments, then what you have is a RECIEVEABILITY problem.
What do I mean by RECEIVEABILIITY?
It is your ability to take in, roll around in, and thoroughly enjoy being loved and supported.
For most of us receiving love is one of the hardest things.
Especially being strong, independent, successful women, we often put pressure on ourselves to figure everything out, look like the smart one, and look like the one that has it all together.
But what we are doing unconsciously is blocking love which triggers a feeling of being really ALONE.
MEN are always looking for a way to provide for you and make you happy.
So if you are having a RECEIVABILITY problem, a man will not feel wanted or needed.
One of my clients, let’s call her Rachel, was struggling with RECEIVEABILITY, and through her story I will reveal what you can do to FLEX this muscle of receiving.
Rachel had gone on 4 or 5 dates with a man recently and had another one coming up this week.
She let me in on something that was really bothering her:
“Kavita, I feel really awkward allowing him to pay. It’s like I want to make sure we split the bill or I pay so that there’s no misinterpretation of me owing him anything. But I don’t want him to be super turned off and think I’m insulting him either. Should I let him pay? How do I handle this?”
I said to her, “ABSOLUTELY allow him to pay. You can reach for it and say, ‘Would you like me to get it’, but if he is insistent, it is times like these that you should really receive this gift.
If he pays, you owe him nothing. This is something he offered to give to you.”
We really needed to amp up her ability to receive in all parts of her life, and this was a great place to start.
So often, we won’t ask for help or support or REALLY take in getting a gift from someone because we’re busy thinking:
Okay, what do they want?
Okay, he paid so now I’m going to have to sleep with him at some point.
Are there strings attached, am I on the hook for something now?
Oh this was so nice, now what can I do or give back to them so they know I appreciated it and know I’m not taking advantage of them?
All of that is making us feel really alone because it feels like we are having to constantly be it all, do it all, and never truly be taken care of.
Receiving is a part of being feminine, and it actually doesn’t mean we lose any “control” at all, in fact, when we can allow it, it totally fills us up!
For Rachel, I knew this came from somewhere.
So I asked her, “When you think about making sure that you could do it all, be it all, or always be in control of a situation, what memory does that remind you of growing up?”
And she told me that her father had passed away when she was younger, so her mom was left to take care of her and mourn his death at the same time. She saw her mom struggling and knew she didn’t want to give her any more trouble.
This was a decision that she made for herself at a young age, that she didn’t want to be a burden to other people, and that she could take care of herself, and she has been living it out ever since.
So many of my clients and women I speak to have similar experiences.
We feel that when we have to ask for help in some way or someone offers to help, we really shouldn’t accept it. We say, “No it’s okay, I got it” because it makes us feel like we’re not capable, in control, or like we’re failing if we can’t do it all, even if on the inside we don’t have much energy left.
I knew what Rachel was describing when letting a man pay was really carrying over into other parts of her life because of this decision she had made.
So I explained, “When you reject a gift, an offer for help, or in this case, a gift of payment for a date, what you’re doing is actually is saying, “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be taken care of, I don’t deserve to be treated well, I don’t deserve the kindness of another human being.”
And of COURSE you deserve it, and want that kind of love, compassion, and kindness from a man.
For Rachel, it is so important for her to step into a place of deserving love and receiving, so that she can keep showing up powerfully and in her (femininity) because that just further KEEPS HIS INTEREST.
So we looked at the agreement she made with herself around her mother when she was little, and talked through how that agreement was made by a little girl who saw her mother struggling at that moment in time.
Of course a little girl wants to care for her mother and make her happy. But that moment is many years past, and it is NO LONGER serving her to hold on to that.
I bet there is a similar story you have for yourself that you can release, so take a moment to look back and think of a situation when YOU decided you had to do everything on your own.
And to start practicing your receivability right now, your Lovework is to:
Think of one thing you could use support around right now. WHO can you ask to help? It can be big or small. This week, I want you to ASK them for that help.
We are going to start to move you out of that place of isolation and doing everything alone and start taking in support and the love you deserve the way you deserve it.
When you can practice this, and be in this space with men, they will feel appreciated and needed, which is something every high-quality man wants to offer a relationship.
So tell me in the comments if you have a similar story to Rachel’s, if you’ve ever had trouble receiving something from a man, and WHO you can ask for help around something this week that would really make some space for you.
I would love to hear from you.