How letting the man pay really makes him feel

When you go out on a date, do you have problems letting the guy pay because it feels like you may then owe him something?


When you need help with something in your life, maybe you don’t really ask friends and family because you don’t want them being burdened by your request or you feel like you have to lend a hand back for something?


You simply believe that you should be able to do it all.

Well, if you identify with any of the above sentiments, then what you have is a RECIEVEABILITY problem.

What do I mean by RECEIVEABILIITY?

It is your ability to take in, roll around in, and thoroughly enjoy being loved and supported.

For most of us receiving love is one of the hardest things.

Especially being strong, independent, successful women, we often put pressure on ourselves to figure everything out, look like the smart one, and look like the one that has it all together.

But what we are doing unconsciously is blocking love which triggers a feeling of being really ALONE.

MEN are always looking for a way to provide for you and make you happy.

So if you are having a RECEIVABILITY problem, a man will not feel wanted or needed.

One of my clients, let’s call her Rachel, was struggling with RECEIVEABILITY, and through her story I will reveal what you can do to FLEX this muscle of receiving.

Rachel had gone on 4 or 5 dates with a man recently and had another one coming up this week.

She let me in on something that was really bothering her:

“Kavita, I feel really awkward allowing him to pay. It’s like I want to make sure we split the bill or I pay so that there’s no misinterpretation of me owing him anything. But I don’t want him to be super turned off and think I’m insulting him either. Should I let him pay? How do I handle this?”

I said to her, “ABSOLUTELY allow him to pay. You can reach for it and say, ‘Would you like me to get it’, but if he is insistent, it is times like these that you should really receive this gift.

If he pays, you owe him nothing. This is something he offered to give to you.”

We really needed to amp up her ability to receive in all parts of her life, and this was a great place to start.

So often, we won’t ask for help or support or REALLY take in getting a gift from someone because we’re busy thinking:

Okay, what do they want?

Okay, he paid so now I’m going to have to sleep with him at some point.

Are there strings attached, am I on the hook for something now?

Oh this was so nice, now what can I do or give back to them so they know I appreciated it and know I’m not taking advantage of them?

All of that is making us feel really alone because it feels like we are having to constantly be it all, do it all, and never truly be taken care of.

Receiving is a part of being feminine, and it actually doesn’t mean we lose any “control” at all, in fact, when we can allow it, it totally fills us up!

For Rachel, I knew this came from somewhere.

So I asked her, “When you think about making sure that you could do it all, be it all, or always be in control of a situation, what memory does that remind you of growing up?”

And she told me that her father had passed away when she was younger, so her mom was left to take care of her and mourn his death at the same time. She saw her mom struggling and knew she didn’t want to give her any more trouble.

This was a decision that she made for herself at a young age, that she didn’t want to be a burden to other people, and that she could take care of herself, and she has been living it out ever since.

So many of my clients and women I speak to have similar experiences.

We feel that when we have to ask for help in some way or someone offers to help, we really shouldn’t accept it.  We say, “No it’s okay, I got it” because it makes us feel like we’re not capable, in control, or like we’re failing if we can’t do it all, even if on the inside we don’t have much energy left.

I knew what Rachel was describing when letting a man pay was really carrying over into other parts of her life because of this decision she had made.

So I explained, “When you reject a gift, an offer for help, or in this case, a gift of payment for a date, what you’re doing is actually is saying, “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be taken care of, I don’t deserve to be treated well, I don’t deserve the kindness of another human being.”

And of COURSE you deserve it, and want that kind of love, compassion, and kindness from a man.

For Rachel, it is so important for her to step into a place of deserving love and receiving, so that she can keep showing up powerfully and in her (femininity) because that just further KEEPS HIS INTEREST.

So we looked at the agreement she made with herself around her mother when she was little, and talked through how that agreement was made by a little girl who saw her mother struggling at that moment in time.

Of course a little girl wants to care for her mother and make her happy. But that moment is many years past, and it is NO LONGER serving her to hold on to that.

I bet there is a similar story you have for yourself that you can release, so take a moment to look back and think of a situation when YOU decided you had to do everything on your own.

And to start practicing your receivability right now, your Lovework is to:

Think of one thing you could use support around right now. WHO can you ask to help? It can be big or small. This week, I want you to ASK them for that help.

We are going to start to move you out of that place of isolation and doing everything alone and start taking in support and the love you deserve the way you deserve it.

When you can practice this, and be in this space with men, they will feel appreciated and needed, which is something every high-quality man wants to offer a relationship.

So tell me in the comments if you have a similar story to Rachel’s, if you’ve ever had trouble receiving something from a man, and WHO you can ask for help around something this week that would really make some space for you.

I would love to hear from you.

In Love,


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  • tania

    thanx for this note. i struggled with this also.

  • Missy

    This could not have come at a better time Kavita! I have my first date tonight after being separated for over 2 yrs and in the divorce process for over 6 mos.
    the gentleman I am going out with this evening is very nice, but older than I’d prefer. I find him quite interesting and great conversation, but have not sensed a romantic connection. I was surprised when he asked me to dinner and the theatre and I thought- why not- it would be the first to get me started. Afterwards, I felt quite guilty.

    I don’t want him to get the wrong message. And have been wondering all week how to handle the bill. Yes- my story is very similar, only my parents divorced when I was 8 and my mom’s mantra was, “Never depend on a man for anything. Always be able to take care of yourself, this way if he leaves you, you know you’ll always be alright.”

    There it is! It’s exhausting being me. And I’m ready to receive. He graciously offered dinner and the theatre, I graciously accepted. Who knows- maybe there may turn out better than I imagined- and if not, I’ll need to graciously bow out of the next.

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom and straight talk. You are appreciated!

  • Natacha Personal Coach

    Wow, I found THE moment when I decided to take power and control and to do it all by myself: it was when my mother divorced my father and she had little money to take care of me so I would figure everything out by myself from this moment.
    Now, being in a sisterhood coaching group and starting to help clients in my coaching business, I start to ask for help and support around me and the magical thing is that: people actually are dying to help and be useful to you!
    Thank you Kavita.
    My asking for help is just here now: if you want help around your life that is not quite you envisioned in the areas of relationships, career and your mental and physical self, I would ove to help you. Reach me through my blog loves 🙂

  • Shariah

    I am a very independent and headstrong woman who is used to doing things alone. I have some skin disorder issues that erupted on both my hands a few months ago which is making doing basic chores around the house quite difficult. I will be joining a new job in a couple of days, and moving in with a friend tomorrow. I am very worried how my skin issues will affect work, and my friend, who is also working in da same company, will view this. I am scared to ask for help for some things I will have difficulty with, although I really need it and dont think can go through dis alone. Thanks for your advice, I was worried on looking needy when I do ask for help. I hope it goes okay.

  • Yvonne

    Oh Kavita, you so nailed me on this one. I am Rachel but because of my belief that I don’t want to be dependent on a man (he should appreciate a strong woman) I haven’t been able to let any man get close because now I realize I wasn’t LETTING him do what would make him feel happy as well. I appreciate your homework. It’s baby steps and I’m going to create small situations for various males in my life to practice receiving. Great post! Thanks,

  • http://s KaNisha

    I’m glad you touched on this topic. This is something that I learned I was doing a few years ago during a dating situation. He said to me that it is okay to allow things to be done for you. I’d let him do things for me all the time but when it came to others doing things for me or problems that I’d had and I knew I needed help with them, I wouldn’t reach out for help. It was only when he brought it to my attention that I began to make a conscious effort at being better at receiving. I loved to say “Its okay to let people help you” but I wasn’t following my own advice. So I began to follow my own advice and it felt good and it still feels good to allow others in to help you when you need it. I still find that little voice creeping in from time to time but I can check it and not let an old habit creep back in.

    I know it comes from growing up seeing people do things for my parents and later holding it over their head and them feeling like they were a burden for asking when they genuinely need it. I knew I never wanted to feel like that. I saw them build a life for us with very little help from others. They worked multiple jobs to eventually start a business. My mom once said to me as a kid, “make sure you always have your own and that you never feel like you need anyone and then when people do things for you its because they want to and not because they have to.” I’ve carried that around and I realized that me seeming to have to have it all together, was also beginning to be a burden in my relationships and friendships so I let go of that, I started to realize that not everyone want to hold the good they do for you over your head. People want to genuinely give to me the way that I genuinely want to give to them and its okay to let them do that because they feel like I deserve it. I took what my mom said to me the wrong way and it negatively effected me. I see her receive and give at the same time and she is still in my eyes a strong, independent married woman who can also receive and nobody can take that from that from her.

  • Imberley

    Rachel’s story made me cry, because I felt all that she did as a child. Your solution to the problem is a good one, assuming you have someone to ask, that cares. I dont.

  • C

    I have a HUGE receiveability problem. As a child, nothing was ever truly a gift. If I accepted it, I was expected to give something in return—-and usually that required giving a big chunk of my soul. If I voiced my needs, I was laughed at and ridiculed. Even worse, those closest to me would use them against me, to tear me down and destroy me. As a result, I decided that if I wanted something I would have to do it myself because no one was going to ever do it for me, and there was no way I was ever going to be on the hook ever again.

    Everything I have I have done on my own: I didn’t require a penny from my selfish mother; I joined the Navy and paid for college—and my home—that way. I didn’t allow my selfish husband to keep me from investing in my career (I was supposed to live my life only for him), and after my divorce I decided I didn’t need him to invest in motherhood and adopted two children, on my own.

    The problem is that it’s a lonely life. I really want to open myself up to people, but time and time again I keep being taken advantage of. My last boyfriend never wanted to pay for dinner and bought me tools for Christmas because he was tired of me asking him for help around the house. I want someone who will love me like I love my children, but I’m not sure if that is part of my destiny.

  • Chm

    Wow – this rings so true for me, its scary! Next week is my birthday. My best friend of 30 years (!) invited me over for a girls only “birthday” celebration – hang out, cook together, drink wine, just a casual fun night. I instinctively said no. After reading this post, I realized that if she had never mentioned anything about my birthday, I would said yes in a heartbeat. But because she wanted to celebrate my day, it felt uncomfortable. My boyfriend invited my daughter and parents over to celebrate and I gave him a hard time too “don’t throw a party, I hate parties” – again, because it was a party for me. If I hadn’t read this post, I never would have figured out that it’s because I don’t like people doing things for me. I just don’t think I’m worth celebrating.

  • DidImessup

    I just had an experience with this, and on date 3, I insisted on paying for dinner. He had already paid for a bunch of things. This man then never called me back, eventhough I was very flirtatious, and was very clear that I liked him.

    Did I ruin it? Is this why he did not call back?

    I understand I am learning to recieve, but I hope the right guy won’t leave me because of paying for check after he bought theater tickets, drinks and paid for parking?

  • Shelly

    I just went on 3 dates with a man who expressed how much he loved taking care of people. But he was also clear he did not need anyone to take care of him. It felt uneven, eventhough I was very forthcoming with letting him know how much I appreciated his texts and planning. On the 3rd date, I asked to pay for dinner… He accepted. But then I never heard from him again. I realized I do have a recievability issue. And I ruined a good thing. I feel awful and can’t seem to forgive myself about it…

    • Kavita

      HI Shelly, Do you see how you felt uneven when he didn’t want to receive from you? If you truly are struggling to receive that’s how others feel when you aren’t able to receive from them. It’s not inviting. But from what you just described, he wasn’t able to receive from you and you didn’t feel right about it. There is nothing to feel awful about, he may just not be the right one for you and you found out sooner then later. Your ability to see that was awesome.

  • Bridget Munoz

    I do not only feel like i owe partner something in general when he pays or buys me something this is something that I do with everyone. If a co-worker offers me anything I will say no! If a family tries to pay for me I will get bothered. It is a mixture of so many things. Seeing my mother not ever receive anything from my father and having to literally work her ass for it. Receiving and being expected to give something in return from family. Lastly, with previous relationships where I would receive and it was later thrown in my face. Aside from being very head strong and independent I can come to my senses and admit that when you finally meet someone truly amazing and you feel like you have to prove something to them or simply feel you are not worthy of having someone want to do something nice for you it does feel lonely. It is like an emptiness inside when they want to make you feel special it triggers feelings that I had put in the back burner and yet some how I still hang on to. I also am super kind and appreciative so any time someone does something nice I feel like I have to go out of my way to show them my true appreciation. This topic couldn’t have came up at a better time.

  • no

    I really don’t like having a man pay for me.It makes me feel like I can’t pay for myself, I went on a double date with my boyfriend and friend last week and after the meal, he took the check, but I kept saying to let me pay, even if it was just for my own.He kept saying no, he wants to make it special.It was very sweet of him to do that, but I don’t need people to pay for me to make it special.Just being out with him and my friends was all I needed.I purposely brought money to pay for myself.

    • anonmous

      I let him pay, because he wouldn’t stop.But like now I feel like I owe him lol.
      He’s always trying to pay for my drinks at work and such.And like I work and have money.Not to say what he’s doing isn’t sweet, its very kind.But I just feel awkward letting people pay.I even pay my family back.I once refused to let my sister pay for my birthday dinner XD

  • rwilliams

    my problem is that people don’t help me. This is true to this day. I am not exaggerating. On occasion they do but it is rare, and usually if they do they complain about it. So it is hard to accept when a man wants to help me. I am getting better at it.

  • Judith

    I Have the same problem, my mother and brother tells me until tiredeness that I should let my boyfriend pays the bills. I did pay for both two or three times.

    I feel bad when he pays because I feel I am taking advantage.

    Now that I see your post, I realize what my mother and brother meant, and I feel like garbage (no, I AM garbage)

    I don’t want to loose him, but he does deserve someone good for him.

  • cszyszko

    If I don’t want exclusivity or any variation of advancement beyond a friendship, is it still ok to accept an interested male friend to pay when we go out? I don’t want to lead anyone on and I have been clearly communicating my ultimate intention but I still feel hesitant to allow him to pay or even let him take me out at all for that matter.

  • Rachel

    Rubbish men hate paying. Women should pay at least a third of the time, if men pay too much they view the women as cheap and feel used. Also as the cost of living has increased and wages haven’t risen at the same rate the man has less disposable income.

  • Julie Ibbetson

    I did this and I was referred to as a freeloader.