Holy crap we had so many people write in and say that last week’s post really resonated with them.
One woman wrote:
I’ve been really struggling lately with letting go of a past love interest. This man crosses my mind pretty much every day…when I shouldn’t care at all because our involvement was very brief & he showed me that he didn’t share the same feelings for me.
I keep thinking I should call him, but I don’t want to be rejected again & risk looking like a fool. Then I woke up this morning to an e-mail from Kavita. She totally answered my question.
There was something real about the connection but it doesn’t mean a relationship needed to follow. As much as it hurts to embrace that perspective I know it will help me heal & move forward.
Part of the Lovework asks us to express gratitude for the connection regardless of how it turned out. I’m glad I met him…he was great and for the first time I felt like I could be myself. I’m still sad, but I don’t want to remain closed off from meeting the right man for me.
That is totally awesome!!
I also spoke with Amber (client from the last post) again this past week and we went a little deeper around what else was keeping her thinking about this man that didn’t want to have a relationship with her.
When it is hard to let go of feelings we have for a man, there is a REASON (so when friends are like, “Just get over it”, disregard that).
These feelings are CLUES that will help you release a block that will then open you up to even more profound love.
So I asked her what was still feeling heavy and she confessed to me, “Kavita, when you asked us in Step 5 (in the last post) to think about past relationships and the growth that we got out of those connections, it got me thinking about my ex. And then I just started to think that if I had just been more of myself with him the whole time, if I had allowed that to really shine, then our connection wouldn’t have been cut short.”
Basically what Amber was feeling was that she could have changed the whole scenario if SHE was different, and that potentially they might still be together.
And so I challenged her, “What if you were your full self like you are saying to me, and what if the outcome would have still been the same?
Immediately she said to me, “Well then it kind of all just feels lighter. It feels relieving to hear that there really wasn’t necessarily anything that I could have done about it to change the outcome.”
“YES! Exactly” I told her. “It takes TWO people for a relationship to work. I know that we think that if we just showed up a little bit differently, then the other person would have shown up more positively too and then the whole situation would have been better – but the truth is the way we showed up at the time is exactly how we were meant to.”
The same is true for my husband Hemal and I.
Yes of COURSE there were a ton of things that I did when we were dating before he broke up with me that I wish I didn’t do.
But all of our connections were necessary the way they happened, and because we were meant to be together. Even though I acted crazy, clingy, and needy sometimes.
When it’s the right person, none of that will matter because they also play a huge role in how the relationship works.
So then I asked Amber, “This guy that you just let go of, the one that said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, are you still holding on to it a little bit because you feel like you did something wrong, like you could have changed that somehow too?”
“Yeah” she said. “I feel like if I were to just give it a chance, even though he said he doesn’t want a relationship that maybe the situation could change.”
I said, “Amber, I totally get what you’re saying. But it’s the same condition as your Ex. It takes two people for it to work.
We think if we just show up different we can change him and the outcome. NOT TRUE. If he doesn’t want to make it work and you do, it isn’t going to work. If he wants to make it work and you don’t, it isn’t going to work. If you both want it to work, then and only then can the outcome be different.”
She took a deep breath in and sighed. “WOW” she said. I FEEL LIGHTER. “I have been blaming myself and thinking I failed at these connections with these amazing men, and trying to wrack my brain for a solution. Truth is I did my best and we just weren’t on the same page.”
This was the first time I had heard this from her! Something major had released for her.
Just to then check in, I asked her how she felt now about the new guy she was seeing.
She said, “We aren’t on the same page and that is okay. I want to continue to date and meet the man that wants to be on the same page as me!”
That’s exactly what I wanted to hear, she went from holding onto someone that wasn’t her love match, to saying okay I am going to keep dating NATURALLY. No forcing of her emotions involved. This was in like 20 minutes!
So, your Lovework this week is to go a little deeper:
Tell me in the comments below in a sentence or two acknowledging a connection that you are still hanging onto and how does it feel for you to see that it take two? Do you feel lighter?
I want to know!