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Want to text him but afraid you’ll look needy? Here’s what to do.

I remember when Hemal (my husband) broke up with me before we were married. It was after 4 years of being together, and thinking he was going to propose and instead he told me he wasn’t happy and he needed space.

I freaking hated that word SPACE.

Like what does that even mean?

I remember thinking, space from what? And of course the only answer I could come up with was space from me.

But that made no sense. I loved him, I understood him, and I supported him so how could he want space from me?

That feeling made me do some interesting things to try to win him back.

I called, even when he hadn’t picked up the first time. I sent him gifts reminding him how much I knew him. I showed up at his door unannounced. I know I know. I sound crazy, right?

Well, most people would have said that and in fact they did.

But what they didn’t know is what was driving me internally, and what they couldn’t know was that I was okay embarrassing myself, putting myself out there and letting Hemal know how much I loved him, because even if he didn’t come back to me it was important for ME to know that I had given it my all.

It was important for me to know that I said what I needed to say, so I wouldn’t have ANY regrets.

The thing is that people are so afraid of looking needy, scared of getting hurt, that we do anything and everything to protect ourselves. Now of course biologically the sole purpose of the brain is to keep you surviving and keep you safe.

When it comes to LOVE and evolvement it is ALL about not being safe and taking risks that feel uncomfortable. {Tweet This}

And my heart innately knew this.

I could get over embarrassing myself, I could get over showing up at his door and getting rejected (which happened).

What I would NEVER be able to get over is knowing I didn’t try to get answers for myself and show him my love.

So what annoys me SO MUCH, is when we are in a space of knowing that we have a connection with someone (we maybe even fell in love or were on the verge of it and he isn’t responding the way we want, our loved ones say to us:

He is being a jerk!

Forget about it, Let it go.

I don’t know why you are being so foolish – don’t reach out to him!

Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing you care.

I know they are saying it because they love you and they are trying to protect you from getting hurt. But protection doesn’t help you move forward or get to the REAL answers so you can move on in a healthy way.

Protecting your heart gets you regret and feeling like you’re stuck.

Now, I want to make a distinction here. What I did in terms of showing Hemal I loved him was coming from a place of GETTING ANSWERS FOR MYSELF, and when I got my answer, I stopped.

I didn’t keep trying to convince him he needed to take me back.

You are allowed to seek out answers for yourself.

What triggered me this week to know I needed to bring this up again was my client Sarah who was getting all this advice from friends and she was denying what her heart was saying.

She had spent some really connected, amazing dates with this man who was also going through some things at work.

In Sarah’s mind, he had pulled away and hadn’t texted her in almost a week.

She told me, “Kavita, I promised myself I wouldn’t text him again because he’s being a total jerk and ignoring me. I cried for like an hour yesterday because I feel so confused about what the heck is going on and then I got mad at myself for even caring!”

Have you ever felt like this?

I’m willing to guess you are just like Sarah and that it feels SO GOOD when there is finally someone who comes around and starts taking care of you, like this guy was for her.

Sarah is the kind of woman that really takes care of everyone – her friends, people at work, her parents, and she just wants to feel like she can have someone that is there for HER when she needs them.

So of course, when a man comes along who demonstrates that he has the capacity to support us, it feels like a whole world opens up for us.

In this situation, Sarah was still feeling a connection with this man but forcing herself not to communicate.

So I said, “The moment you are waiting on him or feeling that sense of rejection and withdraw from him, its like the scenario takes away your power and now you feel like you have no control over the situation and feel helpless. That’s not a healthy place to be either.”

I went on, “I want you to reach out to him and just say ‘Hey I know you’re going through this work thing right now and I can feel that you’re disconnected a bit. I just want to say that I’m here to support you and looking forward to when we can connect again.”

She resisted for a second because she felt like she was “beating a dead horse” but she sent the text.

Within minutes got this response back:

“Im sorry I didn’t reach out, I’ve been so deep in my work stuff. Having your support is really amazing. Can I see you soon?”

In that moment, Sarah realized she had made up this whole thing in her head that he was ignoring her on purpose and that he didn’t like her.

Meanwhile he was still in the same space of being into her, he was just going through something he needed to go through himself.

What I want you to to get from my story and from Sarah’s is that you have the option to CHOOSE saving yourself from REGRET, which is an open hearted space, rather than saving yourself from EMBARRASSMENT, which is a closed hearted space.

When we give ourselves permission to listen to our open-hearted side, even if we feel stupid or embarrassed in the moment, it is better to go THERE than to shut down, close your heart, dismiss someone, and then have regrets.

And way too often when we have the choice, we choose to save ourselves from embarrassment and have regret instead because of pride, ego, or those damn dating “rules”.

Because when you can ask yourself:

Did I do everything I could have done?

Did I say what I needed to say?

Did I express everything I needed to express?

And answer YES to those questions, then you did everything you needed to do.

So what can you do to operate from an open hearted place instead of in fear of rejection or embarrassment?

Here are 4 go-to open-heart tools:

1) Say what you want to say:

When you find yourself feeling compelled to want to communicate with him and you stop yourself – do it anyway. Ultimately if you seem desperate and needy who cares? If he is right for you, it won’t freaking matter. Send the text, email or make the phone call because you will feel back in control and more empowered in the situation.

2) Flip the script:

When you create a story of how the man who’s being distant doesn’t care, create a story of how he does. How has he made you feel taken care of? How has he been there for you?

3) Compliment him even when you’re feeling hurt:

When you’re feeling rejected, it is super likely that he has no intention of doing that. If you’ve had a ton of fun with him and you’ve never expressed that, compliment him and let him know. Our tendency is to not say anything and wait for him to make the move, but letting him feel supported and admired will open things up for him.

4) Forgive yourself for feeling upset.

Stop beating yourself up for feeling confused. This is normal.  Even if you’ve been a mess in front of someone you love or care about, it’s okay. You are operating from a place of love and just from not understanding.  So be kind to yourself instead of beating yourself up because you feel like you look stupid. Having regret is stupid.

Taking these steps will allow you to feel lighter and more empowered  ANY time you run into this situation with a man.

To really integrate this, your Lovework is to tell me in the comments over on the blog if there is anyone out there that you have something left unsaid with or that you feel like you need answers from. What statement do you want to make to them?

Then go make it!

I am totally here to support you.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • ting

    Hi Kavita,

    This is so useful for me. I’m trying to be independent and not reach out, but feel like missing something inside.

    Thanks for this note.

  • Phylliss

    Kavita,

    Thank you. This post was exactly what I needed! The situation hadn’t anything to do with a text or a love relationship. It was related to my very honest, and somewhat vulnerable, response to a superior and a colleague with whom I am involved in a Leadership Seminar at work. I said what I wanted to say, with an open heart, and risked being embarrassed. But I failed to “be kind to [myself] instead of beating [myself] up”. I hope that “taking these steps will allow [me] to feel lighter and more empowered ANY time [I] run into this situation with” anyone.

    • Kavita

      This is so great Phylliss, and they will definitely help you to feel this. Be kind to yourself and lots of things will open up for you!! xoxo

  • Andrea

    Very helpful as always! I had a connection with a man quite a while ago, but he did the whole disappearing act. I beat myself up so much over how reacted when he dissed me…offered an apology but it didn’t change his response or lack thereof. My friends tell me to let it go because they want to see me happy instead of hurting over a guy they think is a loser. But deep down in my heart, I believe it was just bad timing. So I often talk myself out of calling him because I don’t want to look foolish or desperate. But I have NOT expressed everything I needed to say and didn’t do everything I could have done–not to win him over but to live without regret. I don’t want to get involved with some other guy, when I still have feelings for him. I want an open heart, but I’m afraid to call him…considering writing him instead.

    Thanks!

    • Kavita

      Go for it Andrea, we are here to support you!! xoxo

  • Golsa

    Dear Kavita
    I’m Golsa and I am 18 years old…I have been in love with one boy since when I was a child now we are grow up but I still love him so much.
    Thinking about him every day and every second…
    I’m scare so afraid to show I care, I don’t know he is in love with someone one else…but one of his friends said that he scare to come and asked you cause he isn’t sure he can continue or not….
    My world is him and I love him but don’t know what to do…
    Show him,or not oh God

    • Kavita

      Golsa, You will not know until you speak to him directly. Even if his feeling isn’t mutual at least you will know and can move on.

  • Goli

    Dear Kavita
    I am 18 years old…I felt in love with one boy that he is 2 years older since I was a child
    I don’t know he like me or not his behavior is makes me that I don’t became sure about it
    He has lots of friends that they are girls…
    I’m scare so afraid to show I care…maybe he is love with someone else,and don’t like me…it makes me crazy,what can I do??? I love him and love and love just love him so much but I don’t know what can I do

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Goli, thanks for writing me. First it’s important to express how you feel, so you know the truth of what his intentions are, and remember to always love yourself first. Meaning when you love yourself and from there love others, you won’t unknowingly make someone bigger or better than you.

  • Jennifer

    Thank you for the article. I too am currently in a state of regret, so much was left unsaid. We had a definite connection and he was trying to get my information to talk to me and I was literally pulled away from him by my friends, who didn’t agree with us talking to one another. I literally left him standing there dumbfounded. I don’t have any way of contacting him now, except through Facebook, but I don’t want my other friends to see if I friend him because of how risky the situation is.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Jennifer, thank you so much for writing me and sharing. I would ask yourself what was the intention of your friends in pulling you apart? Did it feel like they did it out of love or did you translate it like you were being controlled? Then understand, so you don’t feel like you aren’t empowered in this area of your life, that you allowed it all to happen. When you can own that in a way where you don’t make yourself wrong for it, you will see some more empowerment come through, that you have a say, and not worry so much about what others are saying or thinking.

  • anonymous

    Ive been dating this guy for about 3 months… I will add i am Also dating 2 other guys as well but he is the one i like the most out of all of them we get a Long great and i can tell he really likes me but hes been giving me the Hot and Cold treatment lately last week he asked me to promise him that we will spend the whole weekend together i agreed but when that weekend came he dissappeared i confronted him about it and he told me things were moving too fast and he had a lot going on he said he really like me a lot but right now is just bad timing for him which i get because he just had a loss in the family and Also he got out of a relationship about 7 months ago so i get i told him i completely understand and i didnt want to pressure him into anything that was Sunday it is now Thursday and i havent heard from him but what i didn get to tell him is that i wasnt completely ready for a relationship either i really still want to continúe to talk to him but Im afraid its too late now what should i do?

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      I totally understand that you wanted to continue to talk to him. But what I sense is that you really did want to eventually be in a relationship with him, that you liked him enough to try that, and to say to yourself because you don’t want to lose someone that you’re okay with less, however that isn’t honoring yourself completely.

  • Brenda

    Hi. I have just stumbled across this post. Who on earth are u kavita. I read ur story and it sound a lot like me. Me and my ex have been split since June, yes June. We really clicked when we met, I’ve been hurt in past and he has too. He has been divorced from his wife for 3 years. She cheated a lot. One of him 2 kids with her is not his. We told each other everything and a real connect. Then he had a wobble and needed space. Then we got back on track. But the ex would do things to try and split us up. I used to be strong and say ‘ sort it or I’m gone’ he would sort it and we would carry on. But one time she text him saying that she wanted to get back with him. Even tho he said no and I know he never would, I fell apart. I would cry and act needy and desperate. In the end he split with me saying he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. I know if I had of been strong we may have been fine. So that was June. We have been friends since, but it’s always me who texts him or turns up at his house, he’s always nice and we get on. I feel I can’t seem to shake this needy label he has stuck on me. I have considered every part of our relationship, and I want to try and be the woman he met and stick that way. But I don’t know where to start or what to say or how to try and pull him back, or just get a chance to make him see I am strong again. My best friend always says to just forget it. But I just can’t. I know he’s what I want. When I read ur story I started to cry cuz I thought I was the only one who keeps trying after so long even if I know he doesn’t see me the same way now. He did once, surly I can get that back somehow. Sorry I’ve gone on and on

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Brenda, thank you so much for sharing. I’m so glad my story resonated with you. I want you to know you’re allowed to be needy. Often we are needy because we know deep down that someone isn’t on the same page as us. That we want more. Some of the neediness that does need to be looked at is how did you feel loved by your parents. What are the ways you feel a relationship will fill you up, which is really about what was lacking for you in love (how you translated love) when younger. Pinpoint and release that, and you will temper the neediness.

  • Angela

    I am currently in the same situation. A man I’ve been seeing for a year and a half didn’t respond to I love you in the way I had hoped. He works two jobs and is in a chiropractic school full time and has children from a previous relationship . his finances are not great. I told him I love you and he the next day he texted that with all the chaos in his life it wouldn’t be fair to me . he also said it would have been easier if I would have said I hated him. His life is quite chaotic and there really is isn’t enough hours in the day for him..he usually gets maybe 3 hours of sleep day. I texted that I understand and at this point I would never expect more…this being from a man that I would hear from multiple times a day . my question is to pursue this or walk away. He really is this busy and always issues with kids .

  • Jenn

    Hi Kavita! Thank you for this post. I met a wonderful guy at a wedding and we went to Napa together after but he’s in medical school across the country for the next three years. He was unsure if he wanted to stay in touch but since then we’ve been in touch with decent regularity. I sent him an email about three days ago and he hasn’t been in touch for almost four. I feel silly for freaking out but I feel really sad that perhaps he doesn’t like me or something or isn’t interested in anything because we live so far apart but I don’t know what to do. I want to tell him I understand that for now our circumstances are challenging but that I think it would be short sighted to not stay in touch even just for the enjoyment of staying in touch despite how busy he is and I will be because I’m also starting grad school. I feel scared that he’ll reject me or say he’s not interested at all because he had been unsure initially as to whether he wanted to even stay in touch.
    Jenna

  • Karen

    Hi! What a great blog! I am sure so many of us can relate. I am at a loss myself. My boyfriend of 6 months quit his job and went back to his native country to try and sell his house so that he could make a better life here in the US. Even though we have had tiffs, we still love each other because we work through them. Last time I spoke to him he said he loved me 10+ and loved me even when I was mad – that was 20 days ago and I have not heard anything from him. I don’t know if this relationship is over or I should just wait and see what happens. Before he left he said he needed time to change his life and asked for 30 days. I have no way of contacting him as he did not pay on his prepaid phone before leaving.
    Any suggestions? Is this over? So much I want to say to him – I am by no means angry or upset with him, I just want to know where we stand.
    Thanks.

    • Kavita

      HI Karen, He seemed very specific with needing 30 days and since it has already been 20, 10 more shouldn’t make a big difference. Use those 10 days to ask yourself, what you want. If he calls after 30 days and say I’m coming home will you be ok with that?
      If he doesn’t call after the 30 days, you decide to move on and he comes back ready to be in a relationship with you, will you be ok with that?
      You can write him a letter/email, so you get what you need to say out even if you don’t expect a response. The letter is more for you to express yourself and state clearly what you need.

  • gina

    Hello, I’ve been seeking guidance from websites, friends, and any book I can get my hands on after my ex broke up with me. We were dating for just about a year when he broke up with me the end of January. He said it was due to financial reasons. He was going to have to work more and since we didn’t get to spend enough time together as it was we were going to spend even less time now and he didn’t want to do that to me. So instead of giving us a chance to come to a compromise, he just broke up wih me. I then see he’s going out of his way to go out to places. He had no time to see me but he can go out and do all of these things. I had to unfriend him from social media because it made me sick. So now I haven’t spoken to him. He owes me money from a trip we were supposed to take together in February. But I don’t want that to be the reason I contact him. I really just want my boyfriend back. Need advice please!
    Gina

    • Kavita

      Hi Gina,
      The first thing you need to do, is get understanding for you. And for this you will need to speak/contact him. Do understand that what he may say, may not be what you really want to hear and may not bring you back together but there is relief in understanding. So use the script and reach out and find out!

  • linda

    I have been in a relationship with this guy for 4 months now. at first he used to invite me to his place and I used to refuse because I was so bitter at men and told myself I am done visiting them, I prefered him coming to my place and he does come every weekend. But the relationship is just between the 2 of us. I approached him last week and said I want a break up because he wont introduce me to his family or want to meet mine. He does not talk of our future together etc, he told me he I could leave for he was not ready for a commitment. After that we didnt talk for a week then he came back saying he missed me and wish I could give him a chance and leave things in his hands for like 3 more months and see what he does. he said he sees a good woman in me and he has hopes of getting married. We spent the weekend together again and he was more into me than usual, caring you know stayed longer and he took me out.But I really feel like I want more out of this relationship a commitment or something. Am I being forward ?

  • Mandy

    Hi

    I was dating this wonderful guy for a few months. He was divorced 2 years prior to meeting me and I was his first serious relationship since. He was being very forward about how serious he was about me- he was the one talking about settling down, but for some reason it didn’t feel too quick between us. Sometimes I was quite reserved in the way I had expressed how I felt about him and on occasion he did comment on it, but I think he knew how I felt.

    I went away on holiday for a fortnight; we had a really romantic goodbye at the airport- and I came home to a different man altogether. He seemed so distant- he would still respond to me when I texted or asked to meet but I could tell something was wrong.

    He then told me about some serious family issues that he was going through one night and that had also affected him as a child. He was forced to move quite quickly from his family home. Since then he completely withdrew emotionally from me like he was almost embarrassed for being so vulnerable. He wouldn’t even take my calls. He then finally responded by text stating he was in a state and was confused and that he still cared about me but it was complicated. He said it had had happened over time (implying he wanted to break up) but that the whole situation with his family had taken its impact.

    I then sent him a heartfelt text on the way I felt about him, and that effectively I was leaving the door open for him when he felt ready if he felt he needed space. It’s been 5 weeks and I haven’t heard from him. Do I reach out? I really miss him and I can’t imagine life with anyone else. Did he get scared? Was life too much for him or did he go off me when I went away? I want to text but I don’t know how to start things off.

  • Liz109

    I have heard some say there is no such thing as closure when it comes to love relationships. I don’t agree. I agree with your view. It is important to be yourself and do what you need to get closure. In all my relationships at work and in my personal life, I have seen that when you are true to yourself and speaking up from the heart, and not afraid to be embarressed or look stupid, beautiful things happen, and you find peace. Thank you!!

  • Kay

    Hi Kavita,

    Thank you so much for your post. I completely connect with EVERYTHING you said. I too have been a giver my whole life. I have always put people before me and that is my normal and I will always be this person. I don’t date often but when I like someone, I have the tendency to fall hard for the reasons you mentioned for your friend Sarah.

    I have had a crush on this man for 1 year. Finally, he sneaked in his phone number to me and asked for a “meeting” 2.5 weeks ago. At the meeting, he finally revealed he had liked me for 1 year as well and was attracted to me. We were together from 9 pm to 4 am – my best first date ever. He fixed the second date, but had to cancel for work. He has been very busy, out of town every weekend since our first date (medical doctor). Out of fear of looking needy, I kept my texts at minimum 1 or 2 per day. He has always been polite in replying. But I have noticed he only wrote if I wrote. So I decided not to text. It has now been 4 days of no contact. My true feelings are I really want to get to know him more. But I am scared of rejection and scared of looking ‘needy’.

    And of course, every ‘friend’ in the world reminds you how you are not on his priority list and how he is ‘just not that into you’, making you feel even worst about your true feelings. I have really just wanted to write to him and say I know you are busy but I really want to spend some time with you. But I can’t find the right words!!!!!!!!!

    I’m so confused and lost. I loved your blog. Since it has only been 1 date, am I being too needy or unrealistic? But I have known the guy professionally for 1 year and have closely observed him. I truly like him. What should I do?

    • Michelle Kelly

      I hope someone can help I met this guy on line last year. He messaged me out of the blue on this dating website . we chatted he asked for my number said all the right things. We them spoke on what’s app for eight months. Them on valentines day he deleted me no goodbye no nothing. Gave me no reason or why. In July I texted him he seemed happy to hear from me we started to talk on WhatsApp again . he couldn’t remember why we stopped talking but wanted to talk again .3 wks ago he changed he’s become distance I’m so confused

  • KB18

    Hi, thank you so much for writing this! I dated this guy for about 6 months and we split up around Christmas for very stupid reasons. I haven’t stopped thinking about him, we haven’t stopped texting each other etc. I recently saw him and told him exactly how I felt, that I was still in love with him and wanted another chance. He really didn’t say much and now he all of a sudden stopped texting me last night after I sent him 2 text messages. I’m scared and nervous I may have ruined my chances by saying I was still in love with him and nervous I freaked him out and scared him away. I don’t want to give up on him/us and I find myself wanting to write a book expressing everything but feel that will make it even worse. I haven’t sent another text since last night but it’s killing me ha-ha.

  • Toni

    I have been in a long distant relationship for a year and a half. We live on different sides of the country but take turns visiting each other every few months.

    I care about thus man very much and he was more eager to show me a year or so ago. He used to send me flowers and the last romantic greeting card he gave me was on mothers day. I understand that relationships change, but i can’t figure out if him pulling away is real or all in my head.

    He is supposed to visit soon, and we have even talked about him relocating to my state to be together. In person he is fine but isn’t as affectionate as I am. But he can be very sweet and romantic.

    We usually facetime every so often, and at first I could tell he was happy to see me. But lately when he agrees to facetime with me, he tells me to call at 10 or 11 pm his time so when I call he is always too tired to feel engaged in the time we are supposed to be spending together.

    He is brings up how i always want to use up all of his data and he says I am being selfish. I don’t understand why he would even think this way, so I told him everything I was feeling.

    I told him that I deserve the love back that I give and i won’t settle for anything less. I asked him how he could confused with me wanting to spend time with him and communicate more for selfishness. I told him straight up, and he said he didn’t want to end the relationship, but he had to go to bed because he was tired.

    I text him afterwards and told him that if he really wanted to be with me then he needs to start showing me. (It’s not just facetime, he has also seemes irritated with a lot of things I say)

    I know he cares about me, but I’m worried I might have made him feel too uncomfortable to really respond to me now. He is quiet aND i am always the one who says too much. I really would like advice if I should contact him in a few days if I haven’t heard from him by then.

    I care about him so much, but I don’t want to scare him even more. I really don’t know what I should do. Please help.

  • Diana

    I started dating this amazing guy, i really like him a lot. We connected since the first day we met, however, i ruined everything. I called him one night that i was drunk and he totally kicked me to the curved the next day. He said he was going to take a break from dating, which it broke my little heart. I texted him the other day and he didnt reply back, i am assuming he things i am immature or drama. However, i am not like that at all, it just happened to be one of those nights but i scared him away. He is a mature down to earth guy so im assuming my actions scared him away. We had a great time while dating and i felt that connection, want to call him or give it another try but i dont want to sound needy or desperate. I read your blog above and i decided to send him a gift with a note that said ‘ i don’t care about ego, pride or those damn “dating” rules. I hope he doesn’t take it in a bad way. I feel like if he doesn’t appreciate that gesture then he doesn’t deserve a woman like me. I feel better not because i went of out of my way and did whatever i could. Feels good not to feel that ” what if” or regret.

    • Kavita

      That’s AMAZING Diana. So proud of you. Getting lear feels so good.

  • Nina

    Hi Kavita! I really LOVE reading these blogs! The following statements RANG SO TRUE with my recent breakup situation:

    “Forget about it, Let it go. Don’t reach out to him!” I would tell myself this, and even had a therapist tell me this!

    “I know they are saying it because they love you and they are trying to protect you from getting hurt. But protection doesn’t help you move forward or get to the REAL answers so you can move on in a healthy way.”
    “Protecting your heart gets you…feeling like you’re stuck.”

    I felt STUCK this whole summer :*( I didn’t get to release what was in my heart to the person that I wanted to tell it all to. I was telling EVERYONE ELSE, except him.

    “…GETTING ANSWERS FOR MYSELF, and when I got my answer, I stopped. I didn’t keep trying to convince him he needed to take me back.”
    “You are allowed to seek out answers for yourself.”

    So I did it, I contacted him, but not directly at first. It had been months after our split but I couldn’t stop feeling guilt and regret about my part in how it ended, so as I was rereading our old texts to see why I even cared so much I remembered he loved sweets, like nobody’s business, so I sent him a mini bump cake and a cute flower bouquet anonymously, with a note that I THOUGHT would imply it was from me…wrong! He didn’t catch my joke on the note…so I had to do it…I had to tell him it was from me, so the next week I did.

    When I had the guts to face the situation head-on (I was shaking like a leaf!!) I finally felt like I said most of what I was wanting to say all summer. It was a HUGE release…but then came the part of “how will he react?” Luckily it went well, and it seemed like he was getting answers to some things that he had been wondering but never asked (probably cuz he just wanted to move on and not feel hurt). I felt a sense of relief that was missing the last few months, like I finally said my piece and the ball is outta my court. Though this left me vulnerable in a different way than being “stuck”, it was still a huge relief 😀 I wish I would’ve said what was on my mind sooner, it would’ve saved me a TON of heartache and a crappy summer. On the flip side though, it helped that it was after a long time had passed post-split for things to cool down because when he saw me after months, he was happily surprised and almost excited to hear about what I’ve been up to, chatting about his summer, like old friends reconnecting 🙂 <3

    The weeks following that were a bit up/down, but I still feel good that I said what I felt in my heart.

    "…we choose to save ourselves from embarrassment and have regret instead because of pride, ego, or those damn dating “rules”…"
    I saved myself because of fear…but it only got worse as time went on.

    "Did I do everything I could have done? Did I say what I needed to say? Did I express everything I needed to express?"

    1) Say what you want to say
    NO JOKE, I literally heard John Mayer's song "Say" the day I went to talk to him!!! And it gave me a huge push!

    2) Flip the script
    I had been doing this all summer, but in my own head, not out loud to him, like I needed to

    3) Compliment him even when you’re feeling hurt
    One thing I did, but not enough of when we were together

    4) Forgive yourself for feeling upset.
    Now I do!!! But before, when it was all INSIDE my head/heart, I didn't.

    "Having regret is stupid."
    "Taking these steps will allow you to feel lighter and more empowered ANY time you run into this situation with a man."

    I feel LIGHTER!!! I wish I had read your blog in April!!!

  • Essie

    I have been in a relarionship for three months now we were so much in love but suddenly he went off tryin to call him but he doesnt recieve my calls nor even txt back after 3weeks i got hold of him and he tells me he has so much stress and he doesnt want to involve me in his stresses so i give him alittle time to fix everythin…i agreed but i feel i miss him and i wanna text him what do i do he said he’ll look for me if he feels he is ok???

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Essie, you just need to straight up and ask him if he is still interested in this relationship. You might not like the answer, but it will give you clarity on where the relationship stands. This way you can move in the right direction with this relationship. Thanks for sharing.

  • Mi Angel

    Thank you for this advice. I have been searching dating advice websites to understand my situation. My situation is very similar to your client’s example. I have been trying to be cool and make him “chase” me (because that’s what the other dating advice websites say to do), at the same time feeling miserable and upset. I followed your advice and received the same response as your client within 2 min of sending the text. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me believe I was not acting needy.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Great! Thats awesome Mi Angel!

  • mary clark

    Hello everyone i want to share a live testimony on how Dr Ogbidi was able to bring my husband back to me, myself and my husband were on a serious breakup, even before then we were always quarreling fighting and doing different ungodly act.My husband packed his things out of the house and we had to live in different area, despite all this i was looking for a way to re_unite with my husband, not until i met Dr Ogbidi the great spell caster who was able to bring my husband back home, Dr Ogbidi cast a love spell for me, and after some time i started seen results about the spell;Today my family is back again and we are happy living fine and healthy, with Dr Ogbidi all my dream came through in re_uniting my marriage, friends in case you need the help of Dr Ogbidi kindly mail him on(ogbidispellcaster.ko@gmail.com) or call him on +2348071756312 Sir i will forever recommend you..

  • Eva

    I am 26, live in AZ, and am a single mom to a little girl. I started seeing a 30 year old male for about a month, we really hit it off. He mentioned he never dates and was excited to ask me out (2 years out of a marriage and has 3 daughters who live in FL). At some point I started to feel like I was falling for him and I felt that he felt the same. He moved to CA for a job a couple weeks ago, the day before he left we spent the night together and made love. He said hes really going to miss me and asked me to visit. The past few days he has been liking my social media activity but not returning texts or texting back the next day. I was trying to help him find an apartment since he’s currently staying with friends and working 12+ hours per day 6-7 days a week, because I’d like to visit on New Years Eve, but I don’t know now.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Eva, you have to ask yourself what do you want, and have you let him in on that? It’s about seeing if you’re both on the same page or different ones.

      • Eva Poole

        Kavita, this was from April 2016 😯

        I have grown immensely since this time last year. That person is still figuring out their life and what they actually want and it is not me. We are friends now.

        I am now a live-in nanny. I actually have an interest who is also interested in me, a sucessful, single man with his head on his shoulders, and very easy on the eyes. We both smile coyly at each other and say hi, but nothing more. Any advice for something like that? Literally lives across the Hall.

        Thank you

        • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

          Hi Eva, I know really late on this:) Let him know you are interested!

  • Tara Shee Little

    Hi Kavita,
    This was so well written and really helped me. I’m a 46 year old woman going through a divorce. I met a man last year, and we’ve been exclusively dating for that whole time. We have traveled together, spent time with each other’s families , spent lots of time with each other’s kids, and really been there for each other in great times and in tough times. I was very vulnerable and allowed myself to fall for him. I fell in love and told him. He told me he loved me too but would always say things like he didn’t want to complicate my life and that I had things to work through regarding my divorce etc.
    anyway, about a month ago he started falling into a depression and avoiding me. He wouldn’t return my texts, and when he did, he was very short. I kinda went off the deep end (dropping by his house at 2am, crying, sending drunk texts) and obviously this seemed to push him farther away. We had loose plans to have breakfast last week but he never contacted me to confirm or anything. My last texts have gone unanswered.
    Is it just time to drop it? I feel like it is. But at the same time I also feel like I have things left unsaid. My heart is broken.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Tara, thanks so much for sharing this. Yes it’s important to express all of it, and then let it go. If he can’t meet you in what you need then he can’t, and you have to also own that you deserver more. Sorry I didn’t see this post sooner.

  • Sherita Johnson

    Dr Abubakar +27629741839 http://www.spellcastersnetwork.com/ Restored Back My Broken Marriage My relationship of 3 years was sinking and i was devastated. My fiancee broke from me and I got no explanations from him. for me to get him back, i have to find a solution, I went to 3 different spell casters they all failed to bring back my lover, I really wasn’t sure anymore if spells were real so as i was making a search one morning i saw some great reviews about Dr Abubakar WhatsApp +27629741839 I was a bit skeptical at first but a friend asked me to try and see what happens, so I requested for a love spell from this spell caster, he said he will take his time to do a love spell that will bring my man back to me, after some days my lover reconciled with me, It felt good to have my lover back, when he returned he said he would never leave me again. I saw him transform from a guy who wanted out to a guy who always wanted to be with me. now my lover is more open, with Dr. Abubakar Usman Herbal Centre I know love spell is real, Thanks to Dr Abubakar for getting me my man back. I appreciate all his time, effort, and energy he puts during the spell cast. kindly contact Dr Abubakar Usman for help and you can reach him via Website http://www.spellcastersnetwork.com/ email: spellcastersnetwork@gmail.com,Call & WhatsApp +27629741839 Contact him for the following:
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  • Angela Jason

    HE is a great man and a very powerful spell caster, he is so kind and true to his words, his name is Doctor Isibor also known as Doctor Isibor the great. My name is Angela Jason, i am here to testify the good work he did for me and i wont stop sharing this testimony until he is well known all over the world, my heart has been broken for the past two years and it was as if i was never going to find what is called love again, I wept and cried day and night for the past two years.
    A friend of mine then introduced me to doctor isibor, i doubted him because i have been through a lot, but she kept insisting that he will help me find love back, she told me that all what i should do is to follow his instructions and have trust in him, i did all what he said and behold am happy again with a lovely,caring husband blessed with two wonderful kids, and that is why i will not stop telling of his good work. you can contact him on his email:doctorisiborspelltemple@hotmail.com or you can whatsapp him on +2348138900575

  • seirap

    So what do you do when youve done the opposite by being very vulnerable and open with a guy, tried to be understanding yet honest about your needs and let him know often about how amazing you think he is. The only thing i’d asked of him is to spend more time with me during a rough time for both of us and then poof he’s just disappeared and deleted my number after more than 4 months of what seemed like such a close connection together .No break up lines no fights nothing just disappeared. I’ve been considered sending him an email or text him with all the questions i have but don’t know if it would even matter to him anymore as he seems to have moved on. Its been a month now since we havent been in touch but i miss him so much everyday and it hurts to think that he could just forget me and everything we had so easily. Him deleting my number makes it clear to me that he doesnt want anything to do with me, and I dont know what I did that was so bad for him to never even want to hear my voice ever again and it kills me inside that I will probably never see or hear from him again.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi, you probably didn’t do anything wrong. It’s important to ask your questions and let him know how you’ve interpreted things, and also state that you will be okay, but that you would love his honesty. Also, you want to look at why you haven’t asked much of him from the beginning. It’s important to do that from the very beginning, not in a demanding way, but why are you choosing to hold back that? It’s a good question to ask yourself.

  • John Harry

    This is a testimony that I will tell to every one to hear. I have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until I met a post where this man DR OLOKUM have helped someone and I decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me I just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, I saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why I am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email:lavenderlovespell@yahoo.com

  • Thianna Hughes

    This was the first blog I read online that I could relate to my situation. Thank you.

    I met this guy on a dating website and we chatted off and on for a while then we mutually agreed to get off the site and meet in person. We hit it off. For three months we talked. Texted or face timed every day. He lives an hour away so we only were able to meet up once a week. But a couple months in he asked to meet my kids and I brought them to his house where he cooked out and played with them in the pool. They loved it and at that point I knew he was the one for me. About two weeks later we had plans to go bowling on a Friday and he texted me that morning and suddenly stopped. No argument nothing. I tried contacting him but no answer. For a week I went through being hurt, angry, and concerned because I hadn’t heard from him, he wasn’t responding to my calls and there had been no social media activity. My texts would say just let me know you are ok, or I fell in love with you or just say something!! But I got nothing. So a week to the day I drove to his house to get answers and he was there. He wouldn’t answe the door at first but I wasn’t moving until he did. This week had been miserable. Finally he came to the door and said he had been in the hospital for a week and had no phone. I don’t believe him at all. A few days later he says he’s going to fall back because I did too much. WTH?! So I wished him well and haven’t talked to him in three weeks. The problem is I still care very much for him and would just like an explanation. I miss him terribly so much that I have lost sleep and weight. But what do I say? Do I just text I miss you? Please help I am tired of feeling this way.

    • Joni

      Thianna, I am just curious if you ever heard from him again? A very similar thing happened to me.

      • Thianna

        Joni, I decided to text him and yes he did respond. It was small talk mostly but offered no explaination. I tried not to get my hopes up that we would communicate again but I did and was disappointed again. It’s just so confusing because we didn’t have an argument and we got along great and overnight it was done. Now I’m left confused and hurt with kids that ask for him constantly it sucks

  • Teri

    I am Teri Lyn , i am here to give testimony of how i got back my boyfriend, together for more than 4 years and everything were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my boyfriend started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and later that month he did not call me again and he call me sister and told her he has done with me, I asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying that he want me out of his life and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do, i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the way he treated me. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my friend and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. but i decided to try if something will come out of it due to the fact that i don’t want to loose him. I contacted Dr. Iyere, at (dr.iyere@hotmail.com) for the return of my boyfriend to me, he told me that my boyfriend have been taken by another woman that she cast a spell on him that is why he hates me suddenly. then he told me that he need to cast the spell out from him that will make him return to me, he demanded for some items to cast the spell after 3 days my boyfriend called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still love me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that the Dr. Iyere, casted out on him that made him come back to me, today me and my is about to do our wedding. thank to Dr. Iyere for what he done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great help. i want you my friends who are passing through this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact (dr.iyere@hotmail.com) and you will see that your problem will be solved.. call +2348083221034….

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  • Sur

    Hi Kavita. I am amazed at your post ! I was feeling all that u mentioned. Confused ,did I do the right thing to text him after few
    Months of NC from him ! I am still
    Hesitant to call or text him for it was I who pushed him away! We hadn’t met ,only spoke over the phone ! Something about him triggered my past bad relationship ; I panicked and broke off with him not giving any explanations ! I am told texting him after few months of silence from him,shows I am desperate ,I am emotionally and mentally insecure and imbalanced! I texted him hoping he d response and than ask me to explain myself after which he d understand ! But he didn’t respond ! I am told of he ain’t interested he d reply to Inform me. I feel he isn’t interested ! Should I just let it go ?

  • Rosy

    Hi… Really loved this post.Honestly right now I’m so lovesick over this guy. He’s so nice to me,but then again he’s nice to everybody. He’d ask people about me, and he’d notice the little things about me…i rarely open up to him or even talk much because I want to seem perfect to him.. But when I’m around his friends I’m comfortable and I like to talk more and he noticed this and teased his friend about how much he was talking to me..but then our conversations over phone are really so so…but afew days before he cut his class to go somewhere with me..and when I said I wanted to go out.. He’d always make time…The problem is I’m so shy….haven’t been in a relationship. I’m so afraid of rejection and even if I did confess to him and he ended up rejecting.. I’m afraid of losing our friendship.. Sometimes I get the Vibes that he’s not really into me because he all in all a really nice person… I’d cry over him at nights and I hate feeling like this.so please help me

  • devin222

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  • Downing Rodney Keith

    !!! How To Get Your husband Back & Avoid Divorce !!!

    Hello friends! My Name is Silvia from Californian i have had a lot about Dr Osun Magala on his good work, for bringing back lost relationship but i never believe because so many spell caster scam me because of my husband who left me and three kids over a year and two months. so a good friend of mine introduce me to Dr Osun Magala just because my condition was so bad and the responsibility in my matrimonial home was more than me. my husband left me to another woman just because i don’t have male child for him. so i email Dr Osun Magala and told him everything, he told me not to worry that my husband will come back and i will have a male child for him. he only told me to believe on him that after casting the spell my husband will come back immediately and beg for forgiveness. he real did it for me and my husband come back to me in the nest two days. i was very happy and thanks dr freedom. so, i was in this situation (May 12 2014) i told Dr Osun Magala that i will start shearing his testimony to every one in the word if he make me to have a male child to my husband. and he also did it as am shearing this testimony to every one out dear, that am with my new bouncy baby boy. now i believe that i am the happiest woman on earth because Dr Osun Magala restore my life in my matrimonial home you can thank him for me or email him for urgent help in any bad situation i promise you he will also help you; his email address is magalaspiritualtemple@gmail.com contact him on his website address: magalaspiritualtemple@gmail.com

  • linda Wojtas

    After being in relationship with markiss for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drosemudiamenspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. I CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: drosemudiamenspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

  • Michele

    I met a man at work and there was a mutual connection. We met for coffee and he asked me out for dinner … day before he cancelled. We rearranged for th weekend and yet again he cancelled. Throughout he texted me everyday, saying how much he liked me and how he wanted to spend time with me. After mentioning another date one evening for the following day … the next day he never mentioned it although he said he had a crap day at work. I never answered but the next morning I asked despite saying how much he wanted to be with me , he had not managed it, and was he really that interested. I have not heard from him since. What shall I do? Contact him or leave it?

  • Cahal Daley

    My Name is Cahal.I will love to share my testimony to all the people
    in the forum because i never thought i will have my wife back and
    she means so much to me. my wife left me for another man 4 weeks
    to our 4th wedding anniversary,I was so heart broken and disappointed.When i called her, she never picked my
    calls,she deleted me on her facebook, when i went to her place of work she told his
    boss he never want to see me any more I lost my job as a result of
    this because i could not get myself anymore,my life was upside down and
    everything did not go smoothly with my life, I tried all i could do to
    have her back, all my effort turn in vain, not on till i met a Man
    when i travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing
    some years back, I told him my problem and all i have passed through in trying to get my wife back and how i lost my job, he told me he going to help
    me, i didn’t believe that in the first place. but he swore he will help
    me out and he told me the reason why my wife left me and also
    told me some hidden secrets. i was amazed when i heard that from him,
    he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the
    next couple of days. then i travel back to US the following day and i
    called him when i got home and he said he’s busy casting those spells
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    going to see positive results in the next 2 days that was Thursday, on
    saturday of it, My wife called me at exactly 12:35pm and apologies for all she had done, she said,she never knew what
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    promised not to do that again.it was like i was dreaming when i heard
    that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him
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    monday of it, they call me on my office to come and resume work. right
    now i am so happy with my family again.
    please i want every one to help me give thanks to this great man.
    you can also reach him through this email for solution to your relationship or marital problems.His email is; druzoyaspiritualtemple@gmail.com or call him on his phone number; +2349039134185

  • canny mike

    My life is back! After eight years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three children. I felt that my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted Dr.jude love spell and then explained my problem, in just three days my husband and I came back to us and show much love my children and I apologize for all the pain you have to bring the family. We solved our problems, and we are even happier, more than ever before Dr.jude you’re the best caster. I really appreciate the love spell you cast to get the man back to my life I will continue to share more testimonials from people about their good work. Thanks again to Dr.jude. You can also contact Dr.jude via email: drjudesolutionhome@gmail.com if any problem you can contact with this man for help is always there in his temple help you solve your problem contact email is: drjudesolutionhome@gmail.com contact him TODAY THIS VIA EMAIL: drjudesolutionhome@gmail.com AS THEIR POWERS ARE SO STRONG AND VERY EFFECTIVE AND HAS NO EFFECT ON WRONG TIME HAS A VERY GOOD PROFIT AFTER cast the spell.

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  • linda wojtas

    After being in relationship with markiss for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drosemudiamenspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. I CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: drosemudiamenspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM, HE ALSO HELP PEOPLE TO TALK TO THEIR LATE LOVER’S SPIRIT CONTACT HIM, HE WILL BE A HELP TO YOU TO TALK TO YOUR LATE LOVER SPIRIT TOO.

  • Cathy

    Me and this guy had a thing before, then we got disconnected. One day we started talking again. I fell in love with him. I’m scared to tell him this because I’m scared he doesn’t feel the same. All I want is to know how he feels but he doesn’t express it. We are basically just friends. I know I have no right to be jealous of the other ladies he talks to but I am. he shows signs that he’s into me, but I convince myself that he is like that with every lady he talks to. We will have a really good conversation then he won’t talk to me for a few days. I’m dying to talk to him but I don’t want him to know I care because I don’t want to seem clingy. I feel I will drive him away.

  • Caroline Webb

    Big Thanks to Dr.Iroko my name is Caroline Webb. I am from United States i am here to spread the entire work of a real spell caster called Dr.Iroko who just helped me to retrieve back my union with my husband and make our relationship very stronger and brought joy and happiness into our marriage.He also cured my sister’s breast cancer. contact him today in any of your problems:
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  • Caroline

    Thanks for this advice. I was on a few dates with a guy and chatted everyday and really liked him then we were out on a date and he cut it short as wasn’t feeling well. I was devastated and thought ‘oh he doesn’t like me’. He messaged a day later to apologise but never actually asked me out again. Our mutual friend said he was so embarassed and that he does like me…So other friends told me to ignore anymore messages and forget about him. But part of me wants to ask if he is still interested
    ….should I??

  • Leila

    I can definitely relate to this! So i was seeing a guy for 2 months, and everything was going great, better than i could have ever imagined for such a short time together. He was the perfect guy, and we had so much fun together, filled with laughs and jokes. And out of the blue, he just stops all contact for 3 weeks. Messaging him after, and he replies that he has a lot going on in his life and that he is not in the right state of mind to be talking to anyone at the moment. But lately I’ve been really missing him and wanting to talk and see him again. But I dont know what to do. Should i text him or should I just forget about him???

    • Syera R Weah

      I would forget about him. You reached out to him already, and he has clearly stated that he is not in the right state of mind to be talking to anyone at the moment. The truth is, he knows that you exist, and is very much aware of what the two of you had in those short months. If he is telling you that he is not in the right state to talk, then I encourage you to give him space. Focus on you, and loving yourself. If he is meant to be in your life, he’ll come back, but don’t become fixated on him texting you.

  • Sherry Roy

    My ex-boyfriend dumped me one week ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I reach to the Internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 2 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you PRIEST ADE. You are truly talented and gifted. Email: ancientspiritspellcast@yahoo.com visit his website https://ancientspiritspell.wixsite.com/ancientspiritspell . is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man…..’

  • Tylene Braun

    I don’t really know if this fits for my situation. I was recently in a relationship that went sour. I finally start feeling like putting myself out there again when I meet someone. I barely know him, but the few times we’ve hung out together I can feel the energy between us. We’ve both said we have feelings for each other, but don’t know what they are as we hasn’t even know each other for a week yet. I’m REALLY into this guy, but I don’t want to come off as needy or clingy. I’ve turned into that love sick girl from high school over just meeting this guy. I get a notification and my hear skips a beat, when its not him I get a little down. When we have our conversations we both laugh and enjoy that time. The silence in between feels like hours even if its only been a few minutes. I don’t know what to do

    • Syera R Weah

      Tylene , I would advice you to be patient and wait. You don’t want to be the only person investing your all into ‘ what is not yet defined between this guy’. Be patient and wait. Time has a way of revealing who is suppose to be in our lives and who is not. During the time where you both are not talking, I encourage you to keep yourself busy, and discover hobbies or things that you like. You don’t want him to become the source of your happiness, that is not fair to him or you. So instead of worrying on when he is going to hit you up next, I encourage you to love yourself, do other things with your time, in doing so, you wont even notice the silence.

    • Janice

      I agree with Syera. I know it’s tough to chill out with the texts when you are excited about a new romantic prospect, but you will only hurt yourself​ in the long run of you rush things. Let it happen naturally. Don’t push him to commit to, or define what he is doing with you. Just be in the moment. Men like that. Don’t over think it. Slow your roll and be easy. Don’t rely on a man to feed your self-esteem meter. If he becomes the source of your happiness then what happens if or when he is gone? You have to be fulfilled in yourself and try not to sweat it when he isn’t talking to you. If he isn’t the one there are lots of other men out there who will gladly blow up your phone and be what you need.

  • Julia Vicic

    HI Kavita, can you help me? My ex and I have not spoken in almost 5 months. Here’s what happened:
    My situation is very complicated, but simply put, we were on and off for almost a year before he suddenly deleted me on Facebook. I felt confused and hurt, but I didn’t want to cause destruction so I left him alone for a week before leaving him a voicemail requesting that we meet in person and talk (I was very polite and respectful; I had decided that even if he no longer wanted to be together, I just wanted him to be honest with me about what was going on). A little while later, he sent me a very long text that began with “First of all, I don’t feel like having anything to do with you.” He later said “I didn’t like you. I never did.” All of this stemmed from the fact that I had mentioned to one of our mutual friends that we were on and off (and I had also asked her if they were together, because this was during one of our off-periods and I was being paranoid). He said he felt furious and betrayed and he lost trust in me. The thing is, though, I know for a fact that he had been telling multiple people about the most intimate parts of our relationship, and also he never told me not to tell anyone. When I confronted him about this, he never answered about when he had told me not to tell people, and when I mentioned that he had been telling people he answered “I told a select few.” I eventually brought up my own feelings, at which point he said “I’m done. Goodbye.” I asked him how he could hate me so much and he said “You annoy me and I’m tired of answering your questions.” (he only answered four of them). When I said I deserved to know, he answered “You can figure it out on your own.” Needless to say, I cried for hours that day. One of our mutual friends asked him about it a few days later and all he said was that he wasn’t into me, and that he “could’ve handled it better.” So anyway, I have made no effort to contact him since, although I know he’s been looking at my Facebook because a couple months ago he “liked” one of my old photos, and he never liked any of my stuff even when we were together. I have barely seen him, but yesterday I saw him at a friend’s recital and I decided I want to text him because I miss him and I don’t want things to be like this. Thing is, I’m absolutely terrified to text him. I planned out what to say and everything (a simple “I meant to tell you that I like your new haircut. How have you been?”), but I can’t get myself to send the message. Can you give me some advice or words of encouragement? Really soon, please.

  • Julia Vicic

    I finally got myself to text him after 5 months of no contact following a really bad breakup. I have barely seen him since, but recently I have been seeing him around more often. He got a new haircut so my text was “I wanted to tell you that I like your new haircut. How have you been?” No response. I’m not really surprised, but I’m disappointed. What do you suggest I do to get him talking to me again?

    • Janice

      I would just let it go. If he didn’t respond that means he isn’t interested. You had a bad break up. Apparently he is over that drama and that part of his life. Honestly, the haircut thing is kind of creepy. You should have just talked to him when you saw him out and about instead of sounding like a stalker who is watching him from afar. Sometimes you just have to let it go and move forward. I know it sucks when you want someone who doesn’t want you, but cest la vie.

      • Julia Vicic

        Actually right before you commented he and I had a long talk and he apologized and everything is good between us again. Surprise!!

        • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

          Amazing good work in following what you need.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Julia, so happy you reached out to him. Ask yourself what you are wanting now? It’s sounds like you worked some of it out, which is so good. You should be proud of yourself!

  • Rose

    I have done everything I can – complimented him, asked him if I could take him out for his birthday, wished him on his birthday even though he declined my invitation and still nothing. I do wish I had the opportunity to talk from the heart and express my love for him, thank him and appreciate him.

    • Janice

      You’re trying too hard. Men can smell desperation. If he keeps turning you down he isn’t interested. Do you have a dating history with this guy, or are you just crushing on him? Has he ever expressed an attraction to you? Why is it so important that you have his approval? Instead of wasting your efforts on him use that energy to focus on yourself and identify the insecurities you have that are causing you to throw yourself at a man who doesn’t value you the way you deserve to be valued.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Rose, there’s nothing you can do to make him feel one way or the other. It’s just important to express your feelings and let it go. You deserve more. It is important to ask yourself also why you are wanting someone so much that isn’t meeting you at where you are at. There is something deeper happening look within more.

  • Janice

    I don’t agree that it is okay to be needy. Being needy is as toxic as cancer. It kills relationships before they have a chance to flourish. You have to be happy and comfortable with yourself first. If a man drops out of your life you may want answers, but be prepared not to get them. Even if you do get the answers you were seeking, it may not be what you wanted to hear or believe. You will not always be satisfied with the way your relationship ends. If a man is distancing himself it means that he needs time away from the relationship. Now, this does not necessarily mean that he isn’t into you, it could just be that he is busy with work, school, family or other personal issues that you are not aware of. Don’t assume the worst. Let nature take its course instead of demanding answers from him about a future that he may not have even thought about yet. Ultimately it is important to be with a man who does NOT leave you guessing. If he truly loves and cares for you there should be zero question about where he stands. A guy who is being flakey either doesn’t know what he wants, or is too cowardly to tell you that he doesn’t want you. Either way this is not a man who you should be wasting your precious time on. Chasing after a man is fine up to a point. When he stops responding to you or you feel him pulling away, instead of returning your messages in a reasonable fashion, that means it’s time to take a few steps back and let it go. If he wants you he will contact you. Pressuring him to make decisions about a future with you and blowing up his phone won’t help your cause. Take a break for two or three months, work on yourself and give him a chance to reach out to you. Showing up at his home, buying him gifts, calling/texting obsessively is only going to push him out of the door completely. Trust me. I’d you want a second chance then you have to be willing to stay away from him for a few months. Let him reset and give yourself a chance to chill out and reevaluate.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Janice, this article is about honoring how you are feeling and allowing yourself to be expressed, no matter what he is feeling, thinking or wanting. You’re right the answers may not be what you want, but it’s important to honor yourself in the process, and 9 times out of 10 I see women coding it as needy and not following up to express themselves, instead of asking for what they desire. Of course if it’s not meant to be taking steps back or forward doesn’t change someone’s actions towards you. It’s their process that you have no control over, and that we can’t take on. Just look at what you need to be free.

      • gianna

        What if it is hurting another relationship? What if she knows that her ex has moved on to another more meaningful relationship? what if it is killing him to know that he may not be able to stay friends with her? Then what? Is it still important that she keep telling her friend her true feelings of wanting him back knowing in her heart after 3 years of continually expressing it to him that he has no choice but to cut her off completely? There has got to be a point where boundaries must be set. Even when he has explained to her multiple times he is not in that place? and now he is not even sure how to deal with it anymore?

  • Ash

    A few months ago i lost my home and i was forced to live in another persons home i was in the worst situation ive ever been in and thankfully a man let me live in as his room mate well at that tome i was completely in the dumps and didnt know if life was going to get any easier i was attracted to him from the start but couldnt express my feelings and today i shpuldnt be but i ended up moving away and a few months later(two days ago) i ended up staying the night with him and having the best might ive had in some time with him it was great to have him next to me as i fell asleep and making love to him felt so right at one point kissing him felt as if i was kissing the man of my dreams im not sure if he n i will ever be a thing its honestly probably out of the question but since that night all ive been ablebto do it think of how amazing it felt to be by his side like why hadnt i done this when i was living with him today i cant stop thinking about the way he makes me feel almost like im in love with him and i dont know how to deal with it i fall easy and im sure hes not even trying to be with me but i cant help myself he is friends with the man im suppost to be with whom is incarserated so i think that atomattically makes it a no go but i cant help myself i kno he doesnt want his friend to find out but im starting to feel as if it doesnt matter im so head over heals for this man that i dont care and if he n i dont make it then so be it but i feel like i need to give it a try like he n i could be great for eachother i feel like he could make me happier then ive been in a long time idk but my heart longs for him and i dont know what i can do to have him i want him today tomorrow and for the rest of my life and i shouldnt but he makes me feel like ive never truly been in love i cant stop myself from longing to be next to him hes been om my mind for thelast week or so and if i dont win him over i will be devestated but how do i get him how to i convience him that he n i should be together becuase honestly i think id be much happier and much more appreciated and loved with this man ive never really been shy but i am shy now idk why but all i want is for him to come swoop me off my feet and take me to his house and never let me leave im so into this man that i dont want to even talk to this man im post to be so in love with i want him to kno that im crazy about him amd idk how to i dont want to messege him over and over but something inside me tells me to call him untill he answers and make him want me like i want him i try to be faithful to the man that is jail but i find it very difficult to do so when im out here i love the one in jail but i cant get over the other im so cunfused but i think ive made my desesion but only if this other man will accept me i dont think it with happen im not sure if its even an option but i do kno that i had a fantastic time with him and i just want him to want me like a want him💞💞💞💞💎💎💎💍💍💍💍

  • Lina

    I watched one of your videos, “What to say to your ex if you still want to be with him.” It was exactly what I was going through and exactly how I am feeling currently with this man. we met last year September and dated for 5 months. I know it’s not too long but I developed a lot of feelings for him. When we ended things, I was heart broken but I sucked it up, and told myself I would NEVER contact him again no matter what. a week passes by… He calls me drunk at 2 am expressing his feelings to me (which he never would sober) Basically saying “I’m sad, I miss you.” he even through out the word “I love you” which sort of upsetter me… the next night 3 am came around and ANOTHER drunk phone call from him… I was fed up and basically told him to call me back at an appropriate time. That’s when I stopped hearing from him. My birthday was around the corner and I was hoping he would at least reach out to wish me a happy birthday but that did not happen. A few months pass by.. I started to ask myself “Did I let things end the wrong way?” thats when it hit me. I realized I had too much pride and wanted to look like this strong person when really, I wasn’t. I was the complete opposite. I found myself always thinking about this guy with no answers or closure to this relationship. I let a few months pass and I texted him telling him that I was sorry for the way things had ended but hoped that he understood why they had too. We caught up even talked on the phone for a little bit. some more time passes by… my girlfriend and I went out for a drink at the bar him and I met at last year September and he happened to be there. We both said hello then went our separate ways. we would text a little bit after seeing each other nothing serious at all… thats when I watched one of your videos and everything you told her to say to her ex boyfriend was exactly how I was feeling. I ended up sending him the text Wednesday night at around 10:00 am he did not respond to this text but when I woke up In the morning I had two missed phone calls from him at 2:30 am (I was assuming he was out so I was happy I was asleep when these phone calls happened) that following morning I did not return his calls I waited it out to see if he would reply to this long paragraph I had sent him. Finally, at around 6:00 pm he texts me, “thank you for your message. I will take to you in person. I will make time to see you next week after the holiday. enjoy your weekend.” this made my heart so happy. even though I don’t know what will come out of this face to face conversation I finally feel at ease. Now, can I ask you… do you think this is a good thing?

  • Amy

    Kavita,

    Thank you for your article. My other half and I broke up 2 weeks ago, we had been together for almost 3 years, living together for just over a year and had planned our entire future.

    All of a sudden he wanted to move back to Belfast and it was hard but we were making it work. I went to visit him, and a week after (a week before my birthday) he told me he needed space, that things weren’t the same, but he wasn’t ruling it out forever. It came from nowhere, we had been in a very good place, talking and not arguing. Things had been going well.

    He texted me on my birthday, wishing me a great day, and sent me the rose from beauty and the beast. But we have not spoken since (this was a week ago). It is his birthday next week, I don’t know whether to reach out.

    I am angry, and hurt, but I miss him, I love him and I still dream of the future we planned together.

    I am not sure what to say to him, I keep putting off texting him to say I miss him because I don’t think it puts across exactly how I feel very well. I also want to maintain my dignity.

    Do you have any suggestions?

    Thank you in advance

    Amy

  • Danielle

    how do you know when you should move on from someone? I had a conversation with someone I was involved with for a long time. and the other day we had a talk about everything that happened when we were together because the way we ended was kinda weird. You could clearly see that both of us still have feelings for each other, but he has a dilemma. He is trying to patch things up with one of his exes because they both did not get closure.He is just testing the waters to see if its gonna work. But the words that came out of his mouth is ” i wish things were different, i just don’t want to hurt her(the ex) again, so just give me time”. but at this moment i am stuck between listening to my head(giving him the space and not texting him) or following my heart(texting him and telling him how I’m feeling right now)

    • Anna

      I think at the moment you should just say how oh will be there for him and after all the crazyness is done you can tell him your feelings.

  • Lorraine

    I can’t believe how much this sounds like me, I have made the conscious decision to do just that and I do get my questions answered most of the time. one-up to you, thanks. I lost him once by not opening up, I am not willing to do that again.

  • Anna

    There is this guy who I stared shutting out because I felt embarrassed and didn’t want to be needy. I read this paper and I had doubts but I sent a message to him saying that even though we might be distant, I was still there for him. I feel a lot better after sending that message. Thank you