Have you ever revealed something vulnerable to a man and he then pulled away or disappeared?
I’m going to let you in on exactly what you can do to change that.
Last weekend, I had a ridiculously amazing experience with the women in my Love Mastery program.
Our nine months together is coming to a close and the shifts that these women have made are INCREDIBLE. Several women are in relationships.
One woman moved in with her boyfriend!!!
Others are dating and having a ton of fun doing it, even though dating used to feel like hard work for them.
In lieu of these results (which are truly magnificent) what brings a smile to my face is that each woman is WAY more expressive, unapologetically showing up like who they are and asking for what they want.
These are priceless tools that affect every part of their lives, not just love!
During the retreat there were several key themes and one of the juiciest that I wanted to share with you is being embarrassed around having sex when dating.
Some sort of embarrassment around sex comes up for almost everyone I know, so it was great that we opened that can of worms!
One of my clients, Kelly came to me ready to find love at 30. She owns her own business in the UK, is super successful, and has had several serious relationships.
Due to circumstances, Kelly had never had sex before, and she came to me carrying around a lot of stress and was terrified to let the man she was currently dating in on her secret.
She really liked him, so when he eluded to wanting to get intimate, she was scared that once she let him in on the fact that she hadn’t had sex before, that he would freak and pull away.
But, because she was embracing the power of getting vulnerable, she told him anyway. He responded pretty well to her when she told him, but a few days later she could tell he was starting to distance himself.
She was hurt and frustrated that the exact thing she was afraid of happening had happened to her.
But the first thing I did with Kelly and with the women at my retreat as an exercise is to reveal something they were ashamed of was to say it out loud and to the group. As you might be guessing, this was NOT easy.
When Kelly made her statement pausing and crying, “I’ve never slept with someone before”.
I asked the rest of the group, “Okay, now that she’s revealed this, do you see her any differently?”
The room responded with a resounding “Oh my god not at all!” and the acceptance and lightness just overtook her feelings of embarrassment.
In that moment, she said, “Wow. Feeling this support is so incredible. I’ve just realized that it ISN’T about me, that my situation is not my fault, and suddenly I don’t feel anxious about the fact that he has pulled away. Now I know what it feels like when you are fully accepted even when you share something like this, and that is the feeling that I want in my relationships.”
Up until that moment, Kelly had held on to this heavy feeling of, “If I were to reveal this big secret in my life, others will judge me for it and see me differently or ‘less than’ because of it.”
She felt like there was something wrong with HER. But now she understood that expressing what she was holding on to was actually like her own personal method of filtering out the wrong men.
Have you ever felt like Kelly before when it comes to sex and dating?
You could feel embarrassed by the fact that you’ve never been in love or in a long term relationship.
Maybe you feel a lot of guilt around having your number of sexual partners be higher than “average”.
You might feel like sexual chemistry is super important to you but don’t want to come across as “sleezy or a pervert” so you hide that part of yourself.
Or maybe you’re afraid of saying that you have had some sort of sexually transmitted disease.
Let me first say fear of feeling rejected like this is BIG in your head, which makes sense.
But let me also say that the people who REALLY love and care for you don’t care.
It will not change the way they see you.
And one of the most effective ways to help reduce how BIG it feels to you is to let people you love and trust in on it, just like Kelly did with the group.
I know, you want me to tell you that all you have to do is quickly journal about it and release it that way. (Which does help, don’t get me wrong).
It’s not easy at first, but when you let someone in on something because you trust them, and they just look at you and say “Okay, that doesn’t change anything”, then the weight of your embarrassment starts to melt away, and it becomes less BIG to you.
When you tell the man you like about your situation from this lighter place, it is easier for them to understand it and move on because it isn’t that big of deal for you.
The more times you can shed light on the parts of you that you are hiding, the easier it gets for you to accept it, and hence others. (Tweet it)
Remember, any man who runs away when he hears your truth was not the right one for you. It is important to be open and honest and if he doesn’t appreciate you for it and pulls away, then GREAT.
Dating is about FILTERING FASTER so you are creating space for the right man.
I’m not saying it won’t hurt if he does pull away, but what I am saying is that in the long run it will feel SO much better.
So your LOVEWORK this week is to tell me in the comments below how this article resonates with you.
You don’t have to reveal to us what your “something” is (we all have one), but would it be scary to tell a friend or a man, and if so, why? What are the fears that come up for you?