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Kavita and Hemal in the kitchen

My ideal man list backfired

I have been in Spain and Ireland for the last week to get some R&R with Hemal and to celebrate my friend Meeli’s wedding. A few our friends from NYC flew over and it has been so much fun to have the crew in Europe!

Since we have been away absorbing the Barcelona nights and Irish views, I didn’t want to leave you empty handed.

This week’s Oldie but Goldie post (I came up with that on the trip, don’t you like it? :)) is a topic I wrote about earlier this year but came up again recently after a few emails I received about Soul Level Love.

So here it goes…

If there is even a small part of you that is questioning, doubting, and wondering if you will ever find a man who can love you for YOU and is someone you can respect then I have to tell you I totally feel you.

I was there too.

I literally thought I would never have a relationship like I currently have with Hemal (never say never). And this is my way of saying to you, now is not the time to give up or think it might not be in the cards for you.

Here’s what my checklist was for what I wanted in a man before I met Hemal:

·      Indian

·      Jain (my religion)

·      Vegetarian

·      Possibly European or from an upscale family in India

·      Dresses well

·      Had expensive taste

·      Had ambition and either made a lot of money or was on his way to it

·      Had a soccer player build (lean and toned)

·      Long-ish hair

When I met Hemal, there was something I was attracted to but I had no idea what it was because he was:

·      Indian

·      Not Vegetarian

·      A football player

·      Wore the same sweatshirt and jeans all the time

·      Smart

·      Liked the simpler things in life

·      Loved sports

·      Sporting a short haircut

As you can see a lot of who Hemal was when we met was not on my ideal man checklist.

Even though we’ve been through our own saga of breakup to make-up to marriage and close to divorce, we’re now more in love with each other than we were when we met 14 years ago.

And my intuition probably knew it before I got on board.

I wanted to share with you some real-life experiences that have recently reminded me that what most women are looking for in a partner is totally off the mark. And to show you examples of what is important in a partner when choosing who is right for you.

1.      We spent over two weeks together just the two of us in Hawaii and we had a magnificent time.

I had fallen sick the first couple of days we were in Kauai and he did everything he could to help me feel better. He’s the kind of man that WANTS to take care of me when I’m sick. For a long time I resisted it, but not now.

He checked on me, bought Vick’s from the hotel store, requested tea every couple of hours, and even suggested that I clear my sinuses by breathing in steam with the Vick’s.

I was surprised by this because when I’m sick I am the biggest baby (I am happy to admit that) and honestly the only person I want is my mom or another woman to take care of me. It just feels like they always know what to do!

However, I was pleasantly surprised by how nurturing Hemal was (because I allowed it) and that he came up with the steam thing that really helped. Having him take care of me also put me in a place where I really had to communicate what I needed to “help him help me”, which was powerful.

2.     One night in Maui we were having dinner at a Wolfgang Puck restaurant and they seated us next to each other so we could look out over the ocean together.

Hemal told the restaurant it was our Anniversary, (which was in July but who cares, why can’t everyday be our Anniversary!?) They brought out dessert with a candle in it, one of my favorite things in the world.

It was so romantic.

3.     The other day I was feeling down and I called him. He sensed I wasn’t my usual cheerful self and he asked me if I was okay. I said, “Sort of” but then I started tearing up and said that I couldn’t explain why I was sad, but I just was.

It was one of those moments where I just didn’t know what was wrong but was feeling down. He cracked a joke about how I was probably missing him and didn’t realize it. I immediately busted out in a laugh through my tears.

He knew exactly what I needed in that moment without even really trying. I was all up in my head, and he helped me come back to reality through laughter. It took me out of being serious to feeling lighter. We all need reminders of that, right?

4.     My brother is super important to me.  We are six years apart and I am the oldest, so when I was younger I was like a second mom, and now we are amazing friends.

Hemal and my brother are like brothers from another mother. I love that my brother loves Hemal so much that he can tell him things he sometimes may not be able to tell me.

The best feeling for me recently was when Hemal told me he talked to my brother for close to an hour, just because he wanted to.

It means so much to me and honestly I’m crying right now writing this. This whole thing may seem small, but it just shows Hemal knows what is important to me and NATURALLY makes those things important to him.

5.     When we go out to dinner we can sit there and say nothing and still have a great time. He gives me room to people watch. I love watching how couples around me interact so I can figure out their story.  And when I’m not doing that, we chat about deep thoughts, life questions, and stupid funny things that we do together. He knows the kinds of conversations I need and wants to make sure I feel fulfilled in them.

6.     When I think of him I still get excited and have butterflies in my stomach because of how handsome he is. Kissing him still sometimes feels like it was our first amazing kiss.

Alright, so why did I go into all these stories?

As you can tell, none of the most important aspects that I expressed in these points had anything to do with him having an MBA, how much money he makes (although he does amazing – I couldn’t of known that 14 years ago), what kind of car he drives, or how hot he is. If you have bad credit and an emergency expense affects your health or ability to work, a payday loan can appear as a saving grace which is Simply Done In A Few Minutes. Used effectively, these loans can, in fact, act as viable solutions to short-term financial problems. An application typically only takes about 30 minutes to complete, while loans from online providers have an even simpler approval process. Go to vegas if you have enough money and meet the sponsors for this year’s Global Gaming Awards and play fair.

These qualities that I expressed have everything to do with him wanting to make me happy, noticing what that is, and wanting to deliver.

He takes care of me. This was non existent when I couldn’t express what I wanted and couldn’t notice that he was trying because I was focusing on what he wasn’t doing.

I wanted what was in my head instead of recognizing what I had in real life. It took understanding myself, accepting who I am, and expressing that to him that changed EVERYTHING.

I couldn’t have found out how amazing he makes me feel without first giving him the chance to show me, and that took believing that I deserved it in the first place.

One of the reasons we think love might not be possible for us is because there are parts of ourselves that we haven’t accepted, so deep down we think, “How can I meet a man that accepts it and loves me for it?”.

What I want you to take away from this article is I AM SO NOT PERFECT and Hemal loves me for all of it.

I just didn’t love ME for all of it.

That was the problem for so many years.

So this week your Lovework is to tell me in the comments below:

What is one thing you’re not accepting about yourself and then wondering what man would be able to love that part of you?

Recognize that, just by owning it and putting it out there is the start of you accepting and eventually loving that part about you which is opening you up to LOVE in ways you have been unknowingly closed.

In Love,
Kavita

High Achieving , Successful and Single?

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