Hemal and I just got back from our trip to Ireland for my friend Meeli’s wedding.
One of my favorite things in the world are rainbows, and in Ireland we saw those rare full-blown arched rainbows. In fact at one point there were double rainbows. It was divine to say the least!
This week, I want to know if you have ever unknowingly treated a man like he didn’t know what he was doing?
As soon as you have this thought race through your mind within nano seconds you start telling him how, what, where and when he should do something. It’s like you think men are stupid.
And BOOM, you have just mommed him.
If there is anything I have learned about relationships and men it is that they VERY MUCH dislike being mothered by a women that isn’t his mom.
It is a huge turn off.
Have you ever said “Honey, don’t load the dishwasher that way do it this way.”
OR you just meet a man and within your first conversation with him you are giving him advice about something.
I know that we really mean it from a loving place.
But it is the most annoying thing to men.
It’s a hard habit to break.
Literally the other day, I was talking to Hemal about how he needs to go see the doctor.
I mean I have been saying this for years, “Just go get a check up!”
And whenever I say it, I literally get a dismissive response of “Yeah I know.”
It often enrages me because I think, “I’m saying this for his own good because I love him, why doesn’t he listen to me? Does he even care about what I have to say to him?”
Then I have to walk myself off that ledge.
I’ve realized that when I vent to him about what is happening in my life and he immediately wants to fix it (and not just listen) it is super annoying to me because it feels like he is trying to be my dad.
Well, he feels exactly the same way when I do it, and I don’t want to be his mom.
I want to be his partner.
But where does this come from?
So many women have a belief that men don’t know what they are doing.
Maybe you watched your mom be overbearing with your dad saying things like “He wouldn’t even know how to eat if it wasn’t for me” and he just let it happen.
Or you watched your dad not stand up for himself in certain situations when you thought he should have.
We think men just aren’t capable without us.
This unknown pattern turns men off at some point because you can’t help yourself and you become his mom instead of his sexy, loving, partner.
It starts off subtly.
The other day one of my clients, Ria, sent me a text message of what she wanted to write to this guy she had been dating. He had gone through some career crisis and had pulled away and Ria wanted to reconnect to see if he was still interested.
I was all for that. If you have been following me you know I don’t believe in dating rules like he has to reach out first (and there is a specific way in reaching out).
So, she sent me the text message and it was simply, “Hey Cowboy, I wanted to see if you could meet up again sometime this week or next. I know you’re going through some stuff at work but you’re totally smart and strong and will get through it!”
I wrote Ria back and said “The text message feels motherly, can you feel that?”
She said yes.
Digging a little deeper, Ria revealed that because he had gone through a hard time with his career stuff she felt bad about it and wanted him to feel okay and know that he is still smart and amazing.
But assuming or buying into his struggle was turning her into his mom unknowingly.
She was like “OH, okay I get that so how should I be responding?”
I told her that first she needs to see him as capable of handling whatever is happening with his career and life and then once you feel that, write to him from that place.
I said, “If you step into believing he can handle whatever is coming at him, what would you say?”
She was like, “I would just say hey was thinking about you, and wondering if you’d be up for meeting up this week or next week. Is that good?.”
And I said absolutely yes!
No matter what they’re going through, men just don’t want you to feel sorry for them.
Especially around work stuff, they want to feel like they can handle it.
They want to feel like a provider.
What they’re looking for is a woman who is accepting of who they are and who sees them as strong and capable.
They don’t want to feel like they can’t be there for you.
It’s time to start seeing men as totally capable.
This belief that men aren’t capable is old.
So my Lovework for you this week is to tell me below in the comments:
- If you’ve ever mommed a man and what that looked like.
- What you experienced with your dad or men in your life that made you feel like they weren’t capable (Was it something your mom said about them? How you saw them interact?).
- Then identify all the ways your dad (or the other men in your life) ARE actually capable or took care of things on their own.
This will help you to start to shift the belief that men need you to take care of them.
Notice how your interactions and those sexy, powerful and flirty parts of you can actually come through when you let the responsibility of their well being go.