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Kavita and Hemal embrace on the beach

What to do when he’s giving mixed signals

I have had such a beautiful week. One of my closest and dearest friends Nisha was here visiting me in LA.

When she is around it just feels like another part of me comes to life. There is nothing like gabbing for hours, pushing each other to see things we often don’t want to see, and just laughing and crying together.

Friendship with a close girlfriend fills my heart up in ways Hemal (my husband) can’t. He fills it up in other ways.

But honestly even I have days where Hemal and I go out to dinner and it‘s kind of boring.

It is our current practice to be really present and not in our heads, so we can ask deeper questions of each other rather than just a play by play of what our week looked like.

Some of the questions we are playing with are, “How are you feeling in the relationship right now?” “What are you currently scared of?” or “What is exciting you?”

Now I will be honest sometimes we never get to these kinds of questions and then I often feel like we aren’t totally connecting.

I want to let you in on this to reveal what is true in all relationships.  

To create and retain a connection it requires consistently getting vulnerable (which is one of the highest levels of presence).

Going out to dinner and then not really connecting just feels like you passed the time but you didn’t really fill your soul up with the connection.

And feeling connected to ourselves and others is something we are all seeking.

Speaking of filling time, I received a question this week and I wanted to answer it here because with men it can feel like we are often receiving some serious mixed signals.

Here’s what Rebecca asked:

I met someone who is not ready to date, he’s not even divorced yet. He says lets just be friends and doesn’t want a relationship but he is acting like we have one.  The roller coaster ride is hard.

What is the best way to handle it? When he gets closer should I slow it down so he doesn’t get scared away?

I seem to sabotage relationships and I’m trying to figure out why.

My answer to Rebecca is this:

Here is the thing with men (and I asked Hemal to ensure the male perspective) they want love and attention just as much as we do as women.

He doesn’t want to feel alone. So, he is being honest when he says let’s just be friends, which is code for I don’t want a relationship. But he keeps engaging with you because you are there.

You are willing to be there for him.

I remember reconnecting with a past love after Hemal and I had broken up.

It felt good to spend time with him and it diverted my attention from missing Hemal so much.

I call these men “time fillers”.

Now, I will say I took a lot of time off from even thinking about men or dating, but once I started to feel myself again it was nice to have a man there, so I didn’t feel so alone.

I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was comfortable and comforting.

I didn’t consciously at the time say “Well I just want someone to hang out with” but that is what I was doing.

I know I am not the only one that has done this before.  And so, men do the same thing.

My next question for you Rebecca is it sounds like he has been clear about what he wants, so what is keeping you from believing that?

It could be that you feel like you might be able to win him over or that he will wake up one day and change his mind.

I want you to operate from the place of that isn’t going to happen.

So, if that isn’t going to happen then if you choose to still be with him then you are walking into the situation with your eyes wide open, knowing he doesn’t want anything further.

If that doesn’t feel good because you want more, then it is important to then let it go.

Truth is, I don’t care what you decide here. It is about you walking in consciously CHOOSING instead of feeling like you are being taken advantage of. Because then you are empowered.

AND, you can change your mind at any time and make a new choice.

For this week’s Lovework, I want you to tell me in the comments on the blog, Have you ever been in a situation like Rebecca? What was keeping you from making a decision around it or what have you done in the past if you have experienced a situation like this?

Looking forward to hearing from you!

In Love,
Kavita

High Achieving , Successful and Single?

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