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Why this long distance relationship worked

Today I am writing you from the air. I am on my way to Beijing, China for a close friend Tara’s wedding. It’s going to be a great trip!

For a long time, Tara was super skeptical of love and ever finding it. She was in her mid thirties and had only had a couple of significant relationships.

There were days she would say, “I am really lonely, Kavita. I have a full life. I work hard and love my friends. I just wish there was someone that would take care of me like I take care of everyone around me.”

I totally understood where she was coming from and encouraged her to do some Lovework with her parents.

After that, something shifted for her.

Shortly after, Tara went to visit a friend in San Francisco. While she was there, She met up with an old college friend, Jay, who had gotten divorced a couple of years before.

They caught up over dinner and the conversation flowed. There was so much ease and dinner led to hanging out all night. Tara was still skeptical about where this would lead considering he lived in California and she lived in NYC.

But a year and a half later they got engaged. Now I am flying off to attend their wedding!

Love is divine. After Tara met Jay, it was clear what took so long. He needed to go through his love story with his ex wife to be ready for Tara. Tara needed to go through what she did to be ready for him.  It was clear.

I wanted to tell you this story to inspire you.  I know that when you are searching for Mr. Right it doesn’t feel clear why you have to work so hard or why it’s taking so long. But no matter where you are on YOUR love journey, none of it is wrong.

There was one secret that Tara used throughout her love journey with Jay that I want to share with you. This secret is essential to maintaining a long distance relationship, but is important for you to make the right choices in love no matter what.

While they were dating, Tara had a great level of presence with Jay instead of jumping ahead to trying to figure out, “Is he the one?”

Tara knew exactly how to keep Jay’s interest even though they lived on different coasts.

Her presence had him be the one to say I love you first. He was the one to make plans in the beginning of their relationship and he would fly across the country to see her even for a weekend.

So, what did Tara do?

Mindset 1: “I have nothing to lose. Even if it doesn’t work out, I know how to be alone.”

This helped Tara stay present because often without even knowing it we start to jump ahead with a guy we like and think, “I don’t want this man to leave or pull away, so I act in ways that will keep him from doing that.”

Maybe you have been through this where you like a guy and as soon as you think it is going somewhere, he pulls away. It hurts and sucks. The brain immediately starts to protect you by making sure this doesn’t happen by anticipating the next man will pull away too. 

It takes you out of being present and has you act in ways you think will keep a man around. A man you don’t even know you totally want yet.

Mindset 2:  “I know how to be alone.”

Further breaking down the first mindset, Tara wasn’t telling herself she has nothing to lose as a way to manage expectations and not get her hopes up.

She honestly felt at peace with being alone. Were there days she wasn’t okay with those lonely feelings? YES (she is human), but, yet  more often than not she wasn’t afraid of being alone. This isn’t an easy place to get to, it is something I help women reach in all my programs.

Mindset 3: “I am making love a priority and giving what I can to see if this CAN work out.”

In long distance relationships in particular it easy to want to give up. It can feel hard, so it is easy to shut down when the man doesn’t communicate the way you want or as quickly as you want.

Tara said to herself, “I trust that I will know when I am giving too much and he is no longer giving back.” This trust allowed her to  stay present and engaged.

Because of these mindsets, Tara was able to stay present and build a strong foundation for a relationship with Jay. This presence led them to their committed relationship right now.

This week’s Lovework is to tell me: What ways do you stay present in your long distance relationship or overall in your love life? What situations do you struggle with? I want to hear all about it below in the comments.

In Love,
Kavita

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