I was talking to my client Lori earlier this week.
She’s 50 and hasn’t been in a relationship for years.
As we got started, I asked her what she thought was stopping her in finding true love.
She answered by saying, “I don’t know. I wish I knew!”
She continued, “I have kind of given up. Over the last 2 years I have been slowly pulling away from everyone. I don’t want to burden people with all of my sadness. I mostly stay at home with my dog, which feels good because he loves me unconditionally. I feel like if I could just figure out what I needed to fix it could help me in finding true love. I have spent years asking myself, ‘Why am I still single?’ without any answers.”
I looked into her eyes and I could feel her pain. I totally understood what she was feeling. Then I asked her these three questions:
What if there was nothing to fix?
What if there was no answer to why you are still single?
What would happen if you let go of trying to figure it all out?
There is no way to know WHY you are single, because it has nothing to do with something being WRONG with you.
I could have spent the entire session with Lori making up a lot of stories for why she might still be single.
But those would all just be stories.
This is a cosmic thing. It is your soul’s specific path and journey in finding true love, taking on a much higher purpose than our minds can understand.
I then placed my hand on top of Lori’s and said, “I want you to know there is NOTHING to fix or change. The idea that there is something wrong with you is a solution that your MIND came up with when you asked it the question, “Why am I still single?”
Our minds can only respond based on what we already know.
The mind is a beautifully powerful thing. It is in charge of your survival.
When it is posed with a question, our minds will be relentless in trying to answer it for us because unanswered questions are a threat.
As a response to the fear or threat it will concoct all kinds of reasons that are completely untrue, like that something needs to be fixed or changed about you.
You have likely read or have been told that you are “too much” of something: “too emotional, too intimidating, too picky, too heavy or a ton of other things”
Those are the standard, go-to answers that come up when people talk about “Why am I still single?” question, and that’s why they are the first to appear.
But they aren’t true. Our brain just can’t comprehend what is POSSIBLE or what is to come because we haven’t experienced it.
Our work is not to fix ourselves but to be fully expressed.
To be totally open to love all that is required is an acceptance of who you are and letting that be FULLY EXPRESSED.
To have you show all of your strengths AND the parts of you that are vulnerable and not so pretty.
I said to Lori, “Okay, play this game with me. If you were to let the question of WHY you are still single go, and instead say ‘I have no idea and that is OKAY’, what can you FEEL come in its place?”
She said, “I can start to feel some excitement come back. I start to feel some possibility in love again. I don’t feel like I have totally given up.”
THAT was the subtle shift I was going for.
I explained, “Your brain will fight you on this, but stay with letting the question remain a question. This is a powerful practice because you are letting the fear of not having what you want go and becoming WAY more present.”
When this kind of presence is cultivated you are able to see men for who they really are, you are able to be more of yourself around men, and you stop putting so much pressure on this area of your life to look a specific way.
Presence is everything. You become attuned to who is really right for you, and this attunes you to your intuition, allowing you to FEEL what is true for you.
Letting a question remain a question gives you access to that presence.
Implement this practice.
This week’s Lovework is to ask yourself how it would feel if you were to let the question of why you are still single remain a question, and stop trying to force an answer so you can “fix” it.
What if you could just BE and trust in the higher reasoning behind your timing?
Tell me in the comments below how that feels for you.