Has this ever happened to you? You meet a man you find hot, smart and sexy – and in an effort to impress, you laugh at his jokes – even when they’re not funny.
You agree with his opinions on topics you don’t know and/or care anything about and you pretend to “be” someone other than who you are.
I remember this one date I went on before I met Hemal. I thought the guy was so hot that I wondered why he wanted to go out with me. I literally said to myself “I am hotter than I think” 🙂
Well, during the date I spent a lot of energy trying to impress him.
I desperately wanted him to think I was funny, smart, witty, loving (basically everything about me that was awesome but times ten), and so I was forcing myself to show up that way.
I was telling stories to show him how cool I was. Bragging about the kind of family I came from. I was acting like I knew what he was talking about when I had no clue. I would laugh at jokes that truth be told – weren’t that funny to me.
The bottom line is that I was performing for him. I wanted to look perfect.
I thought that if I didn’t show him my BEST side in every second, then there was no chance of him liking me and asking me out again.
When the date was over, instead of leaving with an energy gain and good feelings that connecting with others brings – I was filled with worry and insecurity as I analyzed every word I said, wondering if I came across as “good enough” for him. If you’ve been there – you know just how exhausting trying to be “ON” the whole time can be.
Like you, I don’t come across as insecure on the outside. I look like I’ve got it together.
But when I was dating (even with Hemal) I would turn into a mess inside – especially when I thought the guy was hotter AND smarter than me.
When this happens enough times, dating feels like a chore. Like a second job you always have to be on your A-game for. In fact, at times it can be really painful.
So why does this happen?
Well, here’s something most people don’t tell you:
This impulse that we have to want to be perfect to find “perfect” love is a way to manage risk.
It’s a way for us to guard ourselves just enough, so that no man can really get into our hearts.
If you let your guard down and be yourself that means there a possibility that he could pull away, leave you, or not really care for you the way you care for him. And then all you’re left with is hurt and pain.
This is how most of us think: Being Yourself = Being Vulnerable = Hurt Pain.
But this isn’t getting you the results you want. It’s only having you attract in the kinds of men that are unavailable and can’t really see you or get you.
What if you could start to look at your life and see all the old pain and hurt differently?
Often that pain we experienced a long time ago is still playing in our minds, and we’re resisting ever wanting that to happen again.
What if we could see that pain and hurt as we are still here – living, breathing, and better for it?
What if we saw that pain and hurt as compassion for ourselves and others, sharing a human experience – because no one is without hurt or pain in life?
And not seeing it that way just because we’re TRYING to put some positive spin on our life, but in fact we believe it with every fiber of our being.
What kind of connection would we have access to with men, ourselves, and those closest to us if we were okay with falling down and picking ourselves back up?
I will tell you being okay with falling down is what it took for me to have the powerful relationship I have now with my husband. Being okay with getting hurt is what allowed me to reveal all the different parts of MYSELF naturally easily.
Here’s what I’ve learned after my own experiences and helping thousands of women through their own (not to mention asking high-quality men every time I find one):
Men don’t care how “put together” you are. They don’t want to be with a woman that shows up perfectly all the time.
They want a woman that is REAL.
ESPECIALLY the man that is ready for a relationship, confident, and is your match.
Dating doesn’t have to be so hard. In fact, it can be a lot simpler than you think.
I’ll be showing you how to uncomplicate your love life over the next couple of posts in the next week or so.
Your Lovework is to tell me in the comments below, is dating difficult for you? Do you feel like you can be yourself?
I want to know.