Every winter for the last three years, Hemal and I go out to LA for a few months to spend the winters here. We’ve just got settled into our place, and this week my brother came out to visit us.
On the very first night, a group of us went out and my brother invited a girl he’d been introduced to by a family friend a while ago.
They’d never met, but had kept in touch since they were introduced. So when my brother decided to come to LA, he reached and asked if she would like to meet up.
She was a YES.
Because it was kind of a friendly date, we all hung out as a group. She was lovely. She was pretty, funny, approachable, and it was seamless to have her around interacting with all of us.
By the end of the night she and my brother were getting along well…but given I’m a Love Coach, I can read energy really quickly!
I could feel there was some good, friendly energy occurring between them – but the romantic energy was stagnant.
So, me being me, the next morning as we were having breakfast, I was itching to ask him what he thought about her.
I started off by saying, “So what did you think of her?”
He paused for a bit, and then said, “She’s really nice!”
I said, “Right and…..??!”
He replied, “I don’t know what else you want me to say. It was one date, I don’t know her well enough yet.”
I said, “True, AND you don’t actually have to know her really well to tell me you’re excited about her.”
He was a little annoyed and said, “Fine I don’t know exactly how I feel. I want to hang out with her again and I think I will know.”
Cue me pushing a bit (lovingly)…
“No, you already know. You don’t need more HEAD information to know how you FEEL.”
He argued and said, “Yes I do! I can’t just make a decision after meeting her once.”
What I was trying to convey to my brother was that he had very little excitement, but he was trying to talk himself into “seeing” how it could go because she was lovely.
There wasn’t anything bad to say about her, and yet there wasn’t any excitement from him.
I knew he wasn’t into her but he wasn’t letting himself admit it, so I let it be.
He asked her out the next night for dinner.
Again, I was waiting for him after the dinner. I know I’m a crazy sister 🙂
I asked him how it went, and he told me he was still trying to figure it out.
This is where I really jumped in.
“You need to admit you’re NOT into her. And it doesn’t require more information or time. It is just something that you FEEL when you are with someone. It’s something unexplainable. It’s just a feeling of being drawn to someone.”
He said, “But she’s so great. If she was the right person then it would be good. I would be done with trying to find the right person for me.”
It hit me in that moment.
My brother was so stuck to getting to the end. To finding the right person and being done with his search, that he was FORCING it when someone seemed great, even if he wasn’t feeling it.
He didn’t know he was doing it (and I have to say proudly my brother is a super self-aware, confident man.)
What I explained to him, I also want you to know, ~Contact.FirstName~:
You deserve to feel excited. ESPECIALLY in the beginning. To feel like you can’t wait to see them again. That’s the kind of love I want for you. I don’t want you feeling mediocre or average. That sucks.
He finally cracked, and admitted to me (and HIMSELF), “Yes I’m not that excited about her. I’m forcing it because there was nothing really wrong with her.”
I said, “Now doesn’t that feel like a RELIEF – that you don’t have to force and keep trying to make something happen when it just isn’t there for you?”
He said yes, and told me that he was sure he would have figured it out, but my outside perspective helped him not waste his time and energy (or hers) by not admitting something felt off.
And he’s right – he would have figured it out on his own. But after more dates. And maybe after even getting into a relationship with her because he couldn’t find anything “wrong” with her and wanted to keep trying to make it be IT.
What I want you to get from my brothers experience is that there doesn’t have to be a specific quality WRONG with a man for you to stop seeing him.
If you don’t feel excited, like you can’t wait to see him again – that is reason enough.
If you don’t feel drawn to him, or like there’s more you want to discover about who he IS on the inside – that is reason enough.
I understand it can feel frustrating – because you just want to FIND HIM already, right?
But you’re not here to have “eh, he’s a good guy so I should be able to learn to love him” love.
You’re here for “YES I WANT TO BE WITH THIS MAN” love.
Which means, it’s okay to stop seeing a man after the first date if you don’t feel excited about him.
EVEN if he’s nice and wants to commit.
Your lovework this week is to tell in the comments below if you’ve ever tried to “work it out” with a man who was good to you, but who you knew deep down didn’t make you feel inside the way you wanted to feel.
Can you relate with my brother?
I want to hear all about it!