My client Kelly met an amazing guy online and they totally hit it off. He was open, communicative and they had deep conversations which she loved!
She had never before experienced this level of connection after just a couple of dates and she was feeling open and excited by it all.
Kelly knew it was all happening so fast, but despite feeling a little ungrounded, she was hanging on for the ride and loving it!
Then a couple of days later they both were talking on the phone, and he said,
“It feels like things are going a bit fast here, and I have done that a lot in the past, where if I go fast in the beginning, it always falls apart in the end. This time around I really want to take it slow so that I don’t fall into that same pattern.”
Kelly was surprised to hear this even though she felt a little relieved too. She told him that she totally understood and agrees they should take it slow.
After that conversation, things slowed down. They weren’t communicating as much, and although Kelly was feeling disappointed, she kept telling herself this was the best thing for both of them.
This is when Kelly reached out to me for help and understanding.
After sharing her experience, I asked Kelly if she had told this guy how she was feeling about the new pace of the relationship and that she still wants to keep getting to know each other.
She said she had not told him because she figured if this is what he wanted then it probably was the best thing for her too.
I explained that the problem with this thinking is that in trying to accommodate only his needs, she was actually disengaging from the relationship by putting aside what she felt and following his lead only.
You see, as women, we typically are more tapped into our feelings then men. Even though at times expressing our real emotions and vulnerability may not be easy – especially when we have blocked ourselves from love – it is still part of who we are and how we do things.
We bring this gift of expression to our relationships and through it we can help our guys get in touch with what they are feeling too.
I am not talking about trying to change a man or turn him into a sensitive touchy-feely kind of guy. Instead, when you allow yourself the freedom to be who you are in the relationship, you open the door for him to be himself.
After talking further to Kelly, it became clear that her man was feeling that the only way to avoid rejection, pain, and hurt within a relationship was to take things slow. Instead of looking at the way he was choosing women in the past and what kinds of women he was attracting, he was trying to solve a deeper challenge with a surface solution.
Kelly shared that she intuitively already knew this and when I asked her why she didn’t talk to him about this, she said she didn’t want to “push anything”. So instead – she was taking the back seat in this new relationship.
As a love coach, I have seen this so many times! This is how we find ourselves in mediocre relationships with the wrong people. When we are afraid to “push the envelope” or “rock the boat”, we deprive ourselves from seeing what needs to be seen in order to make good decisions for ourselves.
I reminded her that instead of holding back and disengaging, she needs to embrace who she is and what she wants and be willing to get to the heart of whether this man is right for her or not.
I encouraged her to get back on the saddle and have a real heartfelt open conversation with him and tell him what she really wants.
Kelly was getting a little more excited about the idea of re-engaging in this new way but asked…
“What if he gets annoyed with me for bringing this up?”
My answer was that one of two things will likely happen – “It will either open up the possibility for you both to have an amazing and open relationship – without hiding behind past hurts and fears – OR it will show you that he really isn’t as interested as you thought.”
I help women find love by first finding their own truth about what they really want and with Kelly it was no different. It turns out that this all really had nothing to do with the guy – and everything to do with her and who she is being in the relationship.Kelly got it. She said she knows she can totally do this and also admitted that she herself was holding back for the same reasons he was. (aha!)
Your Lovework this week is to reflect on the times you’ve held back your truth in order to not rock the boat or out of fear that he might not like you. Why did you do this and what was the cost of you doing so?
I want to hear below in the comments!
With so much love,