The other day I ran into a friend on the street, it was such a pleasant surprise. He was with a friend of his. My friend introduces me, “Kavita is a coach for love.”
The friend said “nice to meet you”, pauses and then says, “I’m great at falling in love. It’s just that I don’t have the best picker.”
I smiled and said, “I hear that a lot.”
I didn’t have a chance to dig deeper with him, but felt inspired to write to you today about this topic.
Here’s the thing about your picker. It’s NOT picking wrong.
You’re picking experiences and relationships to help you resolve your childhood wounds.
And until you face those memories or feelings from the past, and CHOOSE to see that we have a choice in how you interpreted that moment, you will continue to seek out experiences that give you the opportunity to heal those wounds.
What do I mean by all of this?
Let’s say you met a man you felt a really strong connection with. A connection that almost felt indescribable, as if it was destined.
You notice that he isn’t as open about his life as you’d like him to be, but you let that go because you don’t want to push too hard or scare him by making him answer uncomfortable questions.
You also think that it’s so rare to feel this way with a man, so you just don’t want to lose it.
A month goes by and he still isn’t really opening up about his life. You’re trying to be more vulnerable and let him into your life as a sign that he can go there with you, and yet you aren’t getting much from him in return.
Another month goes by and you don’t know if you are exclusive, if he is really falling for you, or if he even wants what you want.
You’re trying to stay patient. It’s hard, but you also think “well in the past, I haven’t been very patient and that’s destroyed relationships. So I’m going to just breathe and see if he starts to open up”.
Then one day, he calls saying he’s going out with his friends, when you thought you had plans together. A knot forms in your stomach, a knot that’s been there for a while, and you lose it.
You say to him (while crying on the phone) something along the lines of, “I don’t know where I stand with you, are you even into me, why do I feel like I have to keep pulling stuff out of you, I’ve been patient I just can’t do it anymore”.
He reacts by saying very little.
You both get off the phone.
You feel horrible. And over the next week he starts to communicate less and less, and eventually let’s you know he can’t give you what you want.
What I watch most people do after going through a situation like this, is they think “what’s the point of even dating? I just keeping meeting men that aren’t there for me the way I’m there for them”.
This is exhausting. You feel like you’re back to square one, and that the kind of man you can build a life with doesn’t exist.
Then there are other thoughts running through your head.
Ones of “see I shouldn’t push so hard, I shouldn’t have gotten upset, and if I’d done certain things differently then I wouldn’t be here right now, I’d still be with him”.
Blaming yourself, him, or the universe, leaves you with no healing or a feeling of empowerment. All you’re left with is a feeling of hopelessness.
Instead, what would be powerful is thinking, “I chose this man for a reason, and I chose this experience for a reason. He does care for me. I care for him. However, the relationship isn’t where it felt fulfilling, so what do I need to see or learn about myself from this experience?”
Maybe you feel like you choose someone that wasn’t ready to emotionally let you in.
Why did I choose that?
What belief do I have that has me creating this experience in my life?
Is the belief…
Do I believe that men can’t handle my emotions?
Do I believe that it’s rare to connect with someone?
Do I believe that men are weak?
Do I believe that I am too much for people?
Once you become AWARE of the belief.
What memory or feeling did you have with your Mom or Dad when you were younger that has you thinking or believing this is true?
Pinpointing the memory from the past isn’t about blaming your parents or yourself.
Identifying the memory is important, so you can see that a lot of what you are feeling isn’t just stemming from this experience with this man or men from the past, it is much deeper.
It makes it feel less personal in the moment.
You get to see that this isn’t about your picker.
There are subconscious beliefs that are running the show, and when you take the time to go inwards, reflect, and ask the RIGHT questions of yourself, you will be able to access more perspective and truly shift the beliefs that aren’t serving you.
You’ll also just start to have more ease with yourself so that you can keep picking until you find the one.
The steps I have written here are just the beginning. AWARENESS is key, and it’s just the beginning of your journey to shift the beliefs in love that are no longer serving you.
Tell me in the comments below – do you feel you have a broken picker? How did the perspective in this post help and what questions are you left with?
I can’t wait to hear. Honestly hearing from you really does make my day!